do i have a rite to be angry???

mickoneill30

axer wrote: »

i'm talking about the type of relationship where people do not need privacy from each other as there is nothing about them that they want to hide (keep private) from the other.

So if you're planning a surprise present for her you don't keep it private?

axer

mickoneill30 wrote: »

So if you're planning a surprise present for her you don't keep it private?

already answered..

axer wrote: »

unless for example it is not telling your girlfriend that there is a surprise party for her etc which is a different story.

pisslips

I have to side with Fysh on this tangent.

I don't feel it's natural for one human to totally integrate their personality with another, that sounds like a dangerous if not impossible ideology to me.
People need private space, they need to respect each other, sure, even to a point on par with their own self-respect.
This I think is where relationships can break down.If either party considerably lacks self confidence and/or self respect, there is no foundation for trust.

You need to be self-assured enough to know that there's only so close that two personalities can get and respect the differences and have confidence in the unknown because of your total trust.

Somewhere hereafter you''ll probably fall in love.


All i have to do is look at my parents to know this.


To me trust does not mean complete openess but rather having faith in someone, willingness to depend on their judgement.

ali.c

ztoical wrote: »

but what if the information they are reading in their texts has nothing to do with your relationship but someone elses? I'm just looking through my phone and I have messages from a friend who is going through a very difficult time in their life right now - they have been calling me and texting me, as one of their closest friends, with information that they only want to share with me. They are my friend not a mutal friend of both myself and BF so how would they feel if they knew my BF would read their messages?

i agree, i mean with my friends if they ask me to keep a confidence i do and that includes from my bf. anyhow i think not discussing your friends personal business with your SO is a sign of personal intergrity. Sure how then would he know that you wouldnt got spouting his personal business all over the place if he ever confided in you. Reading text messages, emails etc without permission is a bit like eh opening someones post tbh, plan bad manners and disrespectful. TBH i probably would be offended if my bf did it without permission. Sometimes if he is away from his computer he will ask me to check his mails or whatever and i do so i have his password but I still wouldnt do it without his permission.

axer

ali.c wrote: »

Sure how then would he know that you wouldnt got spouting his personal business all over the place if he ever confided in you.

because you trust him/her?

Victor

I think people need to step back and stop posting for a while.

Relax, tone it down, it is only the interwebulator after all.

Fysh

axer wrote: »

because you trust him/her?

...

You are not your GF, and your GF is not you. This means that if someone confides in you, they have not automatically confided in your GF and vice versa. And your "but we trust each other so we have to share everything" approach is fine if it works for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. Plenty of people don't particularly want to be in the bathroom when their SO is evacuating their bowels, and it'll take a better person than you with better arguments than you've given to convince me to change my stance on this.

Trusting your partner is an obvious requirement to being in a relationship. Becoming some sort of unified entity with them in such a way that anyone one of you thinks the other one is told, less so. And if you don't grasp how someone can have private parts of their life that they keep to themselves, I'm not interested in carrying on trying to clarify this. If you don't get why some people are particular about their privacy, that's your matter, but your assumption that all such people must have dirty laundry to hide is a stupid one.

ali.c

Fysh wrote: »

...

You are not your GF, and your GF is not you. This means that if someone confides in you, they have not automatically confided in your GF and vice versa.

Yeah that was sorta my point, but i was also kinda saying that either you can be trusted to keep your mouth shut (or correspondence private) or not. If you dont respect your friends wishes for details to be private what level of confidence would your SO have that you would respect his/hers

Fysh wrote: »

...
If you don't get why some people are particular about their privacy, that's your matter,

True tbh though i think it comes more from having no boundaries in a relationship rather than trust anyhow

for me i trust my bf, hell he has acess to my phone and my emails, i trust him not to use that access my email without my asking and not to read my phone when i leave the room.

axer

Fysh wrote: »

Becoming some sort of unified entity with them in such a way that anyone one of you thinks the other one is told, less so.

See thats where your missing the point. Thats not what I am saying. I am talking about purposely and consciously keeping things private.

Fysh wrote: »

And if you don't grasp how someone can have private parts of their life that they keep to themselves, I'm not interested in carrying on trying to clarify this. If you don't get why some people are particular about their privacy, that's your matter, but your assumption that all such people must have dirty laundry to hide is a stupid one.

I can grasp it alright but you can't seem to tell me why you would want to have privacy from your SO? Obviously that means that you are concealing or hidding something from your SO.

Fysh

axer wrote: »

I can grasp it alright but you can't seem to tell me why you would want to have privacy from your SO?

Man, I feel like I'm in the middle of a performance of the Umbrella Song here, this is getting so repetitive.

I dont think the sight of me going for a dump is something she needs to see, and neither are various other things. But fundamentally the question is irrelevant - you're failing to accept that my privacy is my business[/b] and it really is as simple as "because I say so". You can respond to that however you like, but it doesn't change the fact and part of a relationship is going to be understanding and accepting and respecting such facts. (Or, if it's a deal breaker for one or both people, a reason for the relationship to end rather swiftly).

You can be suspicious and paranoid about that if you want and decide that this means I'm clearly hiding something, but frankly I don't care because it's not your business. My privacy = not your place to dictate to me on. Fortunately, my GF isn't any sort of voyeur and thus agrees with me on the whole personal space/privacy/not watching each other going to the toilet thing, so the issue is averted. If it's not an issue for you and your GF either then that's a good thing. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the one conclusion reachable through our discussion here has been that there is no standard view on matters of privacy and that without discussion, arguments can easily happen. (Although I'm half expecting you to come back with a "yeah but why?" post shortly, out of habit if nothing else).

SarahSassy

"West is west and east is east and n'er the twain shall meet"

It seems to me that the 2 main beliefs in this post are:

1. I am entitled to my privacy and just because I am in a relationship does not mean I need to be open and share my private life.
2. I have nothing to hide from my partner and being in a relationship means sharing everything including my privacy.

and people will never meet in the middle... Surely this post has gone stale now... The right advice for the OP solely depends on whether you believe in 1 or 2 above and people in these posts are each fighting for their own corner dependent on their own beliefs. With opposing points of view being thrown around surely its difficult for the OP and her bf to be gaining any benefit at this stage?

Marksie

Sarahsassy: I think you are right as regards the OP and partner getting lost in theis htread.

Folks:
This thread lost the plot despite people being told to calm down and that is with Me PMing to request some type of calm..

IN future take it to PM and reread the charter.

As the OP and partner are both aware of this thread and indeed have responded to it. They are probably dealing with it themselves.
As such, and feeling that bannings are in the offing i am locking this thread.