Does sexual past have an affect on how you percieve your partner??

arybvtcw0eolkf · 23-11-2007 05:51PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'm not particularly happy with my gf's past. But that is due to my insecurities and i don't judge her because of it.

HOWEVER, i have every right to feel the way i do, and so does every man. It's not pleasant picturing your gf with other men, ESPECIALLY when you know what those men look like. Over time i have learned to deal with it, but it crops up every now and again.

You and I are in the same boat my friend.

I've more or less dealth with it, but it does rare its ugly head once in awhile.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like this. Its just how we're made up. But for a long time I was totally freaked by the whole EX thing.

Iago · 23-11-2007 05:54PM

SheroN wrote: »

If it's such common and acceptable behaviour. What's there to hide?

I hate to break it to you but it's far more likely that any partners you have will have given a blow job or had doggy sex and possibly had someones load over their face (as you so eloquently put it) than not.

Given a choice between a partner that had a sexual history and therefore some understanding of their own needs and how to drive my desire, and a partner with no sexual history who felt inhibited or uncomfortable sexually I would choose the former everytime.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, it's far more enjoyable when both (or more) parties know what they are doing and what they should be doing. The best way to work all that out is to experience different things with different people before you settle down.

It could be argued that people with your type of viewpoint are the ones posting in PI and giving out about their boring and infrequent sex life with their wife/partner and wondering why!

Marksie · 23-11-2007 05:55PM

SheroN wrote: »

If it's such common and acceptable behaviour. What's there to hide?

Thats a loaded and unfair question. There is a world of difference between *page* talking about it to partners or close friends and answering a question she/he doesnt want to to strangers on the net.

l3LoWnA · 23-11-2007 05:56PM

Iago wrote: »

It could be argued that people with your type of viewpoint are the ones posting in PI and giving out about their boring and infrequent sex life with their wife/partner and wondering why!

Exactly, well said!!!

SheroN · 23-11-2007 05:58PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SheroN
If it's such common and acceptable behaviour. What's there to hide?

I hate to break it to you but it's far more likely that any partners you have will have given a blow job or had doggy sex and possibly had someones load over their face (as you so eloquently put it) than not.

Given a choice between a partner that had a sexual history and therefore some understanding of their own needs and how to drive my desire, and a partner with no sexual history who felt inhibited or uncomfortable sexually I would choose the former everytime.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, it's far more enjoyable when both (or more) parties know what they are doing and what they should be doing. The best way to work all that out is to experience different things with different people before you settle down.

It could be argued that people with your type of viewpoint are the ones posting in PI and giving out about their boring and infrequent sex life with their wife/partner and wondering why!

My point is i'd rather not know.

Also you don't know anything about me so don't go trying to pretend you know what kind of person I am.

gabgab · 23-11-2007 05:58PM

Thanks for all the replies,

I do genuinely think that for a lot of people this is a hypothetical discussion, it is so easy to sit there and suggest that other people are prudes, and lack esteem or security,

But these people that say that, can they honestly say that they have been in the situation, that if they loved someone, thought that they loved someone or were falling for someone,

That finding out, or knowing that they had been involved in a situation, where they had been ****ed by 2 other people, they would not have an issue with it??
They would not view them in a different light??

It really is a question I would like answered, as it is a interesting thought, I would be very interested to hear from the people that would not have an issue with it,

I really liked the view that the things that people did in the past makes them the people they are today..... Excellent stance!!

Again thanks for all the replies,

l3LoWnA · 23-11-2007 06:01PM

gabgab wrote: »

But these people that say that, can they honestly say that they have been in the situation, that if they loved someone, thought that they loved someone or were falling for someone,

That finding out, or knowing that they had been involved in a situation, where they had been ****ed by 2 other people, they would not have an issue with it??
They would not view them in a different light??

It really is a question I would like answered, as it is a interesting thought, I would be very interested to hear from the people that would not have an issue with it,

As above, ex had group sex including gay sex before we met and I was fine with it. I was glad he felt he could be honest with me about it and trusted that I was open minded enough and respected him enough not to let it affect our relationship. It definately contributed to making him the person he was! Such a fantastic bloke!

gabgab · 23-11-2007 06:13PM

Hey I am delighted for you L3Lowna, that is brilliant to hear, and good to see that people can get past it and not let it bother you, and see it as a good thing,

Glad I started this thread and poll now, it seems that its a lot more balanced than people would often percieve or the views of ones own social group,

RoyalMarine · 23-11-2007 06:15PM

Iago wrote: »

It could be argued that people with your type of viewpoint are the ones posting in PI and giving out about their boring and infrequent sex life with their wife/partner and wondering why!

ive had several relationships that lasted well over a year. and none of them were awkward or boring or infrequent in the bedroom. so far ive had a very healthy sex life, and im open minded to a lot of things.

but honestly, i feel these things are personal and should not be shared with future partners. ive done things in the past that were great, and ive experimented as have most people, but i dont tell other girlfriends ive done it.

and im the first to admit that i have problems dealing with my other half's history.
to be honest, its only been on one girl in particular. she use to be a lesbian.
before i met her i was all hyper about lesbians. then when we started dating, it began to eat at me.
i really cant explain why. it affected me to the point where i had problems coping and we sat down and talked about it. i think the main part was she use to wind me up over it.
and her friends of course did the same.

Marksie · 23-11-2007 06:35PM

gabgab wrote: »

I do genuinely think that for a lot of people this is a hypothetical discussion, it is so easy to sit there and suggest that other people are prudes, and lack esteem or security,

Not in my instance it wouldn't be, far from it. I made the conscious decision to experience everything I possibly could and was interested in/curious about.
It ties into your later comment about where someone was and where they are now.
In my case it leads to total acceptance of someone elses sexual past in whatever context. From wild partying to celibacy.
Whether a person who has difficulty with accepting anothers past does so because of jealousy issues or insecurity thats for themseklves to decie. One thing for sure it is not their partners responsibility.
If thir partner has committed to them in a monogamous relationship, then what does the past matter?

gabgab wrote: »

But these people that say that, can they honestly say that they have been in the situation, that if they loved someone, thought that they loved someone or were falling for someone,

That finding out, or knowing that they had been involved in a situation, where they had been ****ed by 2 other people, they would not have an issue with it??
They would not view them in a different light??

I have loved and been in realtionships with people who have done wilder things than that.
So no, for me it wouldnt matter, its what they are now that matters.

gabgab wrote: »

It really is a question I would like answered, as it is a interesting thought, I would be very interested to hear from the people that would not have an issue with it,

Hope that helps.

gabgab wrote: »

I really liked the view that the things that people did in the past makes them the people they are today..... Excellent stance!!

yes there are several ways to look poitively at it. If somene has done all they wanted and expoerienced everything they wanted to do, then for them it may very well be a case of the grass is not always greener. It is, if you like, out of their system so that when they are ready to commit they are going to do so totally.if it isn't then they mnay very well find people of like mind and form a relationship with them. Or even realise that multiple realrionships or any variant thereof is what they want.
They will know what they want in bed and what they can do in return but that is juts the starting point in a relationship. So someone looking back and saying whwat you have done shocks me, is missing the point in that if they start with the now with the person they are with and loko forward it go on to be soemthing really worthwhile as you have the experience then cultivate the intimacy to take things a lot further.

On the flip side there was a PI a couple of days ago where the OP was bored with his G/friend and had suggested 3somes, whihc she quite rightlky said no to. In that case it was somene wanting either live out a fantasy or was just looking to sleep with someoene else.
He was thinking of himself and had misseed out on the essential point that he shuold be looking at ways of stopping routine getting in the way of his intimate life deepening not spicing up with spurious reasinings whihc wouldn't benefit the realtionship as a whole. Quite the reverse, it would wreck it.

EDIT: the part of the poll i was interested in was the option for thos who would view a partners sexual history negatively. Not because they personaklly didnt agree. BUT because of how society would view it. That is not only repressing the self instincy to fulfillment or acceptance, but it is allowing others to do it for you.

auggie2k · 23-11-2007 06:48PM

My girlfriend hates my past, I had a series of partners in a matter of months last year (August) after I got screwed over with another girlfriend - I felt like I wanted to be single for the first time ever so I went mad, 7 sexual partners in 4 months (still shocked myself cos I've never been like that). I stopped this after the Christmas cos it no longer appealed to me and I settled down... until I got with my current girl and I love it. I was her first so she can't really compare to my past so she's kind of judgemental over it... I had a huge row with her over it and nearly broke up... like I wasn't with her, I was single... didn't even know her.

Anyway, my answer was yes but now it's no... she understands now.

23-11-2007 07:17PM

Jesus people, get the hell over yourselves

"oh no she had past experiences"
plz

MagicMarker · 23-11-2007 07:20PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Jesus people, get the hell over yourselves

"oh no she had past experiences"
plz

Don't worry kid, you'll have an experience some day:)

RoyalMarine · 23-11-2007 07:23PM

bluewolf wrote: »

Jesus people, get the hell over yourselves

"oh no she had past experiences"
plz

if you dont have anythin decent to add, then why bother reading and replying?

fits · 23-11-2007 07:26PM

My OH has a pretty wild past, as opposed to his being my second partner...

I have no problem with it, dont think he does either.

23-11-2007 07:28PM

RoyalMarineComm wrote: »

if you dont have anythin decent to add, then why bother reading and replying?

I actually wasn't going to, but some of the attitudes here drive me up the wall

Dudess · 23-11-2007 08:04PM

RoyalMarineComm wrote: »

vile term it might be, but what respect should a girl that has done it deserve?

I'm sure plenty of girls who have done it have lots of respect for themselves, some girls may be drunk when it happens, some girls may not want to do it but feel pressured into it. It all depends on the girl.

I personally couldn't do it and can't really understand why a girl would want to have it done to her, but there are girls who do, and more power to them once they're careful and 100% certain they want to do it.

constitutionus · 23-11-2007 08:41PM

cant take part in the poll because none of the answers reflect how i'd feel about it.

personally ive recently come to discover that with the right girl i can be VERY jealous so i really dont want to know anything about her sexual past bar whether she's riddled with disease or something

hey this is the 21st century so im not expecting a virgin but at least i can ignore it. TBH i dont think girls are really thrilled to find out what we were up to either. in my experience it certainly seems to lead to alot of arguements when it comes up

Catari Jaguar · 23-11-2007 08:41PM

SheroN wrote: »

Have you ever had a threesome?

I haven't. That's not to say I would rule it out. With another girl though, not a bloke. And not if I was with a partner I was in love with because it'd be weird.

But that's not to say I haven't had oral/ doggy style sexual experiences. And if my next partner had an issue with that or jealousy I'd show him the door for being immature.

And I certainly don't think of it as having someone "huffing and puffing behind me" or my face being jizzed on by some lads c*ck! (not my scene anyways) I'm not being objectified, degraded or used. And if a future partner saw it as that then he'd be totally skweing the view of my relationship/ sex life.

Everyone's had sex, where do you think we all came from. At the time I'm sure neither party felt degraded, soiled or used. So why view their past in that way?

sudokuu · 23-11-2007 08:51PM

WindSock wrote: »

I would say not really, only if he were a virgin would I be a bit iffy.

I was a it suprised by this comment, and more suprised no one else has picked up on it. Why would you be iffy about a guy who genuinly is a virgin. I didnt vote as none of the options relect my views

angelsfire · 23-11-2007 09:10PM

I say someone's past is the past, the reason it's called the past. You take someone as they are now not what they did or did not do in the past. But it wouldn't bother me what they did in the past. I don't really want to hear about it.

I also would never brag to my b/f or g/f about anything sexual I did in the past.:rolleyes:

gabgab · 24-11-2007 12:45AM

Again cheers for all the replies, I really dont want to throw a spanner in the works but is someones past really their past, if you get me?? Hypothetically if someone has a history of say cheating, stealing, drinking, fighting, anything at all...... When does it go into their past??

I dont know if I am making the point correctly, but I hope I am,

Ickle Magoo · 24-11-2007 01:56AM

Last time I checked

cheating, stealing, drinking, fighting

are all negative behaviours that we should all frown upon...if you think what goes on between consenting adults comes under the same banner as something which hurts or harms another person then it's kind of equating apples with oranges & speaking louder about your inhibitions than their past.

If you are not comfortable with your partner having had a promiscuous or colorful past is your problem, your partner stealing or cheating is their problem, it's an important distinction.

My partner is my partner because of who he is, that means every relationship he's had & experience he's gone through. I don't have to like it or agree with it but it is certainly his right to have experienced it & he wouldn't be who he is without it - and visa versa.

gabgab · 24-11-2007 11:28AM

Hi,

I obviously made the point badly and I apologise for it,

What I mean is if a partner has been promiscous in the past, when does it become the past, do you know what I mean??

eg; A person that has traditionally been involved in a lot of random sexual encounters, no strings attached stuff, when does this become a past if you get me?? A year after they have not had one, 6 weeks etc etc?? What I am curious to see is when old habits that die hard can be deemed as broken??

these are not my views, I have a pretty open mind to most stuff and I believe that everyone is free to make their own choices, I am really just curious to peoples views on the matter,

Apologies for the bad examples,

However I do think that, in any of the threesome situations etc somebody always gets hurt, if these people know one another and it is not just a pure chance encounter, that one person always ends up in a less happy state than other people,

Is that a fair point to make??
note: I am not condemning, or judging anyones behaviour, I think its brilliant and makes the world a much more colourful place, I am just curious to hear other peoples views on the matter, everydays a school day and all that

:D

Ickle Magoo · 24-11-2007 11:44AM

It's a past as soon as they decide it's not their present, surely? I don't think theres a set time that passes before it can be more "officially" declared in their past.

I'm no expert on threesomes so I couldn't comment but I would assume everyone is different just as any encounter between two people is different & leaves each with different levels of satisfaction.

You say you are open minded yet see promiscuity as a habit that dies hard? I'm not sure why you think that. Promiscuity & polygamy are choices in lifestyle just as being faithful to one partner are, there is no reason why one can't be promiscuous one week & faithful the next or visa versa. I don't think anyone is more likely to cheat because they were promiscuous in the past. If they want to cheat, they will. Many people who are not particularly promiscuous or into threesomes will cheat on their partners. There's no guarantees regardless of how colourful someones past is.

gabgab · 24-11-2007 12:39PM

Hey Ickle, thats an excellent point and I agree with it that because they were promiscous in the past it does not mean that they are more likely to cheat,

I really am looking for different standpoints and views on the whole thing, and everything everyone says is a different and excellent stance on it,

John Mason · 24-11-2007 03:09PM

i think i might have problem if the guy told me he had had a gay relationship. everyone has a history and a past and tbh that's where is should stay, there is no need whatsoever to bring up your past sexual experiences and discussing "your number".

Terry · 24-11-2007 03:55PM

Ph3n0m wrote:

This begs the question - would you brag about your past exploits to your current bf/gf?

From experience, I wouldnt want the details, etc. And since the movie was used as a reference point, I think its time to bust out the speech that would explain it all

So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bull****. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic. So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the **** is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
Jay: ****ing-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...So to speak.

That movie certainly my perspective.

SheroN wrote: »

How could it be a turn on to hear that your GF has been rooted from behind while she was sucking another guy's c*ck?

Heh. Fingercuffs.

I recommend Chasing Amy to anyone who voted "Yes".

Screw it. Everyone should watch that film anyway. It has some great lines:

Hooper: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "Whitey-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bull****. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European mother****ers were hiding out in caves and ****, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.
Holden: Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse ****! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?
Hooper: Who said that?
Holden: I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model in the realm of science fiction/fantasy.
Hooper: **** Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom ******!

Hooper: Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy. Bust this: those movies are about how the white man keep the brother man down, even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this ****: You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky Edwards: What's a Nubian?
Hooper: Shut the **** up! Now... Vader, he's a spiritual brother, y'know, down with the force and all that good ****. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he's gonna run the ****in' universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now what the **** do you call that?
Banky Edwards: Intergalactic civil war?
Hooper: Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy 'safe' for white folks. And Jedi's the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!
Banky Edwards: Well... isn't that true?
[Hooper pulls out his gun, shoots Banky]

Banky Edwards: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.

l3LoWnA · 24-11-2007 04:23PM

Dudess wrote: »

I'm sure plenty of girls who have done it have lots of respect for themselves, some girls may be drunk when it happens, some girls may not want to do it but feel pressured into it.

Some girls may actually want to BE in the situation and enjoy it and still have self respect *shock horror* :rolleyes:

How could any girl who gets so drunk she lets people take advantage of her OR who lets herself get pressured into sexual encounters that she does not want have any respect for herself Dudess?

I don't have any less respect for people because of their sexuality OR sexual encounters they enjoy as long as they are happy and not affected in a negative way by anything they do, as long as they aren't letting themselves get hurt or aren't hurting anyone else.

stratospheres · 24-11-2007 04:45PM

I didn't vote as there wasn't really any option I agreed with.

My bf is experienced whereas I'm not and it did bother me when I found out about his past but I asked questions myself so its my own fault! Its like one of those things you wanna know even though you know you won't like what you hear! Luckily I'm over it now anyway

Does sexual past have an affect on how you percieve your partner??

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