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Would You Be Annoyed?

2

Comments

  • #32
    Attol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭Attol


    Have you ever cheated on her or betrayed her trust in some major way? I used to have serious issues with this one guy who cheated and lied regularly. We'd get back together but I'd be terrified of him screwing me over again. He'd tell me I was being silly and I'd try not to worry about things but even little things started to get to me. It was ridiculous but it's hard to trust someone about anything if they lie about every little thing. Worry can make you go a little crazy so maybe that's where the insecurity is coming from? When I stopped worrying and started trusting him again he'd always let me down again. It was ridiculous. Maybe she's afraid to let her guard down. The only way to fix that is to just not screw up again and be 100% honest all the time. I don't know her though so this could all be totally irrelevant but just another perspective to the "it's all her fault" point of view. What she's done is VERY extreme though so the issues could be worse than you think?


  • #33
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I just think that even if he had cheated on her, it still would not justify this behaviour.

    If I was going out with a fella I loved, he cheated on me & I started acting like this after we had gotten back together, I would actually acknowledge how scarily crazy and self-destructive my behaviour is and I would end the relationship due to my mental issues.

    My sister's husband is horribly possessive of her: calls her frequently on her mobile if she is away from him, etc... She has never given him reason to act this way.
    She has absolutely no comfort or life to herself because of it. We can't go for a coffee without him texting & calling her.
    I know it used p15s her off for the first few years...

    I understand that relationships & marriages are about sharing a life together.
    However, I am a person who would not be able to tolerate that type of behaviour: you either trust me or you don't.
    I need my privacy and to feel trusted by my partner as much as the next person.
    If a guy didn't trust me enough to not go through my phone, email, internet history, personal organiser, etc... then I would choose not to be in a relationship with him.


  • #34
    Kintarō Hattori
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,102 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    So where do you go for relationship counselling? It's not exactly something you run into in everyday life! What organization etc?
    No I've never cheated on her, or ever would. I try to be a decent sort of person and it's just not in my nature to ever do anything like that.

    She goes to bed much earlier than me, and when she goes I'll lie down with her for 30-40 mins until she gets sleepy and go later.
    I don't have to leave the apartment until 9:15am for work, but I get up at 7am with her, have breakfast and see her off. Not exactly the behaviour of someone who would contemplate cheating on her, I think!

    I'm pretty sure I'm her first serious, proper boyfriend, so as far as I can tell she was never in a relationship before where she was open to being hurt. She's a very good/cute looking lady who draw's glances from guys when we're out. She's popular with her friends and in social groups. She's worked hard and has a pretty decent job at the moment, although it is contract based. So I just don't know why she has self-esteem/confidence issue's.


  • #35
    Attol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭Attol


    I didn't say it was justified clarehobo, I was just suggesting that there could be something causing it and she could just have been not addressing it in a constructive way.

    I'd say just sit her down and have a huge chat. Talk it through with her and find out if there are issues.

    If counselling is definitely the way forward there have been some ads lately for relationship counselling around lately. There were some around Donnybrook anyway. I just think that that could be a little OTT? Have you tried to communicate how this is upsetting you and asked if there's something wrong?


  • #36
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭ [Deleted User]


    You sound like a proper gentleman from all your posts.
    And tbh, I think you realise this behaviour on her part is pretty destructive to you both.

    There's no explaining self-esteem issues, especially when it comes to relationships. Some of my friends are extremely strong & confident women, but when they get into relationships (me included on this btw) all common sense & reasoning goes out the window.
    I think you just need to eventually acknowledge any flaws you worry about & realise that your partner is with you because he has accepted you, flaws & all. That wee bit of an insight comes from having been in multiple relationships and your gf is new to all this.

    I reckon, sit her down & have a chat with her about her trust issues. You need to explain to her that it's irrational and harmful. If ye don't sort it out by talking about it, then ask her would she be willing to go to couples counselling to see if ye can work through it together.

    WRT counselling, got on google: I think your best bet is contact the main body below and have a chat with them about who is best in your area.

    http://www.irish-counselling.ie/contactus.htm

    There's a couple of services popped up on the search:
    They seem to be mainly aimed towards married couples

    http://www.mrcs.ie/
    http://www.accord.ie/marriage_and_relationship_counselling/

    (The second one sounds quite good, plus they assess the cost on a case by case basis - I think counselling can get expensive, but don't quote me)


    Anyways, good luck with this.
    It's a tough thing to suggest to someone but if she goes for the counselling with you & you both sort through the issues in your relationship, it'll be well worth it.


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  • #37
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Attol wrote:
    I didn't say it was justified clarehobo, I was just suggesting that there could be something causing it and she could just have been not addressing it in a constructive way.

    I'd say just sit her down and have a huge chat. Talk it through with her and find out if there are issues.

    If counselling is definitely the way forward there have been some ads lately for relationship counselling around lately. There were some around Donnybrook anyway. I just think that that could be a little OTT? Have you tried to communicate how this is upsetting you and asked if there's something wrong?
    sorry Attol, just saw your post & it is a fair point you are raising.
    But, if she is so irrational as to go through his internet history & give out to him for putting links to various photos of celebs on his posts, something is very wrong.


  • #38
    Kintarō Hattori
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,102 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    Thanks for the links Clarehobo, I'll most certainly look into it.
    I have sat her down in the past and mentioned that this is a major issue that we have to deal with. It's very destructive and potentially something that could endanger our relationship. I've tried talking to her about it, and I've mentioned the whole counselling thing, but she just says that it's who she is and it's a part of her. She acknowledges that it's not good and could do irreparable damage to our relationship, but she doesn't seem to realise the severity of it or the fact that something has to be done about it.

    I think it's simply going to require me to phone up or call into one of these places, make an appointment and have us visit. Whether she likes it or not, I think a serious 'toe in the hole' is going to be required. More action and less talk. I know that's perhaps not the way that it should be, but aren't some people incapable of helping themselves? I think she might be a person like that and it'll require action on my part.


  • #39
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭ [Deleted User]


    eo980 wrote:
    I've tried talking to her about it, and I've mentioned the whole counselling thing, but she just says that it's who she is and it's a part of her. She acknowledges that it's not good and could do irreparable damage to our relationship, but she doesn't seem to realise the severity of it or the fact that something has to be done about it.

    I think it's simply going to require me to phone up or call into one of these places, make an appointment and have us visit. Whether she likes it or not, I think a serious 'toe in the hole' is going to be required. More action and less talk. I know that's perhaps not the way that it should be, but aren't some people incapable of helping themselves? I think she might be a person like that and it'll require action on my part.

    No probs; I got a masters in googling in UL;)

    Basically, if both of you are in it for the long haul & she loves you, she will eventually accept the fact that she is hurting you with this behaviour & that counselling is required for you both to work through it.
    Initially, I was going to suggest that she should just go for counselling on her own because it is her issue but it will probably strengthen your relationship & she would be more likely to attend if both of ye went....


  • #40
    Talliesin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    eo980 wrote:
    So where do you go for relationship counselling? It's not exactly something you run into in everyday life!
    Of course it is. Look at http://www.mrcs.ie/, go to google, or open the Golden Pages.


  • #41
    OLDYELLAR
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,223 ✭✭✭OLDYELLAR


    Talliesin wrote:
    Maybe if you knew Minnie Driver or Danni Minogue personally, she'd have a bit of a point.


    Yea I d have to agree with this . Geeting jealous about famous people is a bit extreme.To be fair she could of found a lot worse so she should be counting herself lucky it was just a bit of banter about celebs.


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  • #42
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    EO - I will say it again.

    I dont think it is relationship counselling you need. You sound like the perfect boyfriend. Although there are 2 sides to every story.

    This girl needs to work on her own insecurities. Sure you can make the appointment, bring her, even pay for it.

    But this jealousy is something that stems from inside her and its definately not something you are doing to cause it. If you are as perfect as you sound well god knows you couldnt possibly do anymore to make her feel loved.

    Perhaps there is something from her past you dont know about. Your relationship sounds ok, i dont think a relationship counsellor can solve her problems, they sound more personal than a joint issue

    You've done nothing wrong looking at minnie driver on the internet. Did someone mention in an earlier post that she freaked cos you bought a CD/DVD with a cute girl on the front? I remember this post and thought it was crazy and apologise if it wasnt you posting.

    You know I dont think one person on here will say she was justified and i do know from previous posts that you are quite defensive when it comes to your gf, and rightly so.

    But if you post you have to be prepared for peoples honest replies and the fact that you have been so open in other posts people will not just judge on this post but will put 2 and 2 together. One incident and our opinion might have been oh maybe it was PMS, she will apologise later!!

    I'm sure you are aware that it is possible to post unregged in PI?

    Sit down and talk to her before deciding which road to take counselling wise. Is she confident in work? Around groups? Is this issue just with you?

    Just one more question. Are you the jealous/possessive type? Do you go to bed with her and get up with her cos she asks you to?

    Does she have much personal space?


  • #43
    Kintarō Hattori
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,102 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    Talliesin wrote:
    Of course it is. Look at http://www.mrcs.ie/, go to google, or open the Golden Pages.

    For me not really, I wouldn't have come across this every day.
    Trinity1 wrote:
    Did someone mention in an earlier post that she freaked cos you bought a CD/DVD with a cute girl on the front? I remember this post and thought it was crazy and apologise if it wasnt you posting.

    No, that was me alright.
    Trinity1 wrote:
    I'm sure you are aware that it is possible to post unregged in PI?

    I am indeed, but I don't feel I need to go unregged.
    Trinity1 wrote:
    Are you the jealous/possessive type? Do you go to bed with her and get up with her cos she asks you to?

    Does she have much personal space?

    I'm not the jealous type at all. She has half jokingly brought this up before, asking me why I don't get jealous. She's never given me any reason too.

    I do go to bed and get up with her because she asks me too, but also because I want to. At night it's a good chance to be honest/open with each other, talk about the day etc.

    She doesn't have much personal space, and neither do I to be quite frank. She has ZERO hobbies. I've asked her before what her hobbies were and she jokingly said me. I've tried to motivate her into doing something, but she literally doesn't have any interests. If she's not doing something then she spends alot of time stressing out about her job. She work's in a bank's headquarters which probably can be stressful but I think she really brings alot of the stress on herself when there's really no need for it.

    I know this is a bad bad situation and I've taken steps to give ourselves some personal space. On a saturday morning I'll go and meet my best friend which gives both of us some time to ourselves.


  • #44
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    My partner idoloises super woman. He had a big crush on her when he was younger, and now she is back on living TV - so happy days! I dont mind - I laugh at him.

    There is one thing he does/used to do, he would comment on the women on TV ("oh shes an ugly bird", "Oh she is actually quite pretty"). Drove me nuts. He has a very bad habit of commenting on people (the other night we were out he was saying that one of the girls had a big nose!).

    I told him it annoyed me. Anyways, look, you need to be annoyed with her for doing that. You seems a little bit "walk all over me" kinda person??? (not meant as an insult).


  • #45
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 22,785 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    dellas1979 wrote:
    My partner idoloises super woman. He had a big crush on her when he was younger, and now she is back on living TV - so happy days! I dont mind - I laugh at him.
    LoL I was watching that yesterday! I wasn't impressed when she was knocked out by the tear gas though.

    @ the op

    On the topic-yes this is silly.Does your GF not realise that looking for a man that doesn't look at other women and want to comment is pointless.
    They don't exist.
    What you are doing is normal-what she is doing is not.

    You should consider showing her this thread if she hasnt already seen it.


  • #46
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    eo980 wrote:
    I'm not the jealous type at all. She has half jokingly brought this up before, asking me why I don't get jealous. She's never given me any reason too.

    I do go to bed and get up with her because she asks me too, but also because I want to. At night it's a good chance to be honest/open with each other, talk about the day etc.

    She doesn't have much personal space, and neither do I to be quite frank. She has ZERO hobbies. I've asked her before what her hobbies were and she jokingly said me. I've tried to motivate her into doing something, but she literally doesn't have any interests. If she's not doing something then she spends alot of time stressing out about her job. She work's in a bank's headquarters which probably can be stressful but I think she really brings alot of the stress on herself when there's really no need for it.

    I know this is a bad bad situation and I've taken steps to give ourselves some personal space. On a saturday morning I'll go and meet my best friend which gives both of us some time to ourselves.

    Its possible she wasnt joking. People can become very attached and dependant on each other. While its probably cute and cosy and the start, it is very unhealthy and can be the ultimate downfall in an otherwise good relationship.

    She has gotten used to it, being treated well, you being there for her and while it is important that she can rely on you, you can see where it has led. Its almost childlike.

    you need to sit down and talk to her about it. I am not saying threaten her by any means but you must make her see that this has a very detrimental affect on any relationship and you are only human. Life is too short.

    She needs to have a life outside of you. I can almost see why she is reacting this way. You are her world and anyone that takes away your time and affection (even celebs on the internet) can make her feel threatened and insecure.

    This may make you feel good for now that she loves you so much but its not a healthy love that drives people to this behaviour. Its fear.

    You obviously love this girl very much and if you want to keep her you have to nip this in the bud now. she needs girly nights out and a life outside of you as you need to have your lads night out.

    Project yourself 5 or 10 years into the future and you will not be a happy man if this continues. She wont be happy either btw. And situations like this can only end in tears.

    FOr the sake of the relationship cut the apron strings now. Explain to her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her but you cannot go on this way.


  • #47
    Beruthiel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 42,361 ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    eo980 wrote:
    She doesn't have much personal space, and neither do I to be quite frank.

    I honestly don't know how either of you can cope with that.
    She has ZERO hobbies.

    This I really don't get. What does she do with her spare time then? Does she never read a book, stick on a dvd, listen to an album, play the xbox for an hour, go for a walk, whatever, she must fill her evening hours somehow? :confused:
    I've tried to motivate her into doing something, but she literally doesn't have any interests.

    Dangerous tbh. None of us can predict the future, if ye were to split up for whatever reason, she has absolutely nothing to fall back on by the sounds of it. Not a good position to be in and very unhealthy. For her own sake she must make some sort of a life for herself outside of you.
    Being totally dependant on just one person to fill your needs is never, ever a good idea. You are there to enrich her life, not to be an all consuming part of it.


  • #48
    Kintarō Hattori
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,102 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    Beruthiel wrote:
    I honestly don't know how either of you can cope with that.

    It's a toughie alright, but something I've kinda started to address and will try and develop more.


    This I really don't get. What does she do with her spare time then? Does she never read a book, stick on a dvd, listen to an album, play the xbox for an hour, go for a walk, whatever, she must fill her evening hours somehow? :confused:

    She'll either want to talk to me or she'll sit on the couch mopping, thinking about work and not really doing too much. She really doesn't do any of the above. I think she's way to pre-occupied with work, it's always on her mind and she's always stressed out by it.
    I bought her an iPod, but she only really uses that in the mornings on the way to work, and it was a struggle to get her to use it as she'd usually just leave it behind her.


    Beruthiel wrote:
    Dangerous tbh. None of us can predict the future, if ye were to split up for whatever reason, she has absolutely nothing to fall back on by the sounds of it. Not a good position to be in and very unhealthy. For her own sake she must make some sort of a life for herself outside of you.
    Being totally dependant on just one person to fill your needs is never, ever a good idea. You are there to enrich her live, not to be an all consuming part of it.

    Aye I know and I agree. When I get home from work I like to do stuff, rather than just sitting around. Go out for a walk, go to the cinema, vist friends etc. I think I'm going to have to make her do stuff and get her more active.


  • #49
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    eo980 wrote:
    I think I'm going to have to make her do stuff and get her more active.


    Yes but without you.


  • #50
    BoozyBabe
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,724 ✭✭✭BoozyBabe


    Jeez, I'm really sorry, but how exactly is she wonderful?

    Firstly:- the issue of jealousy? That's crazy!!! Two photos of fully clothed celebs, pics on DVD's? That's ridiculous!
    I think she's a little princess who has just gotten used to getting her own way by pulling strops!!!

    She comes home from work & just mopes around. Bundle of laughs!! Or whines about her work. How is this fun for you?

    Doesn't want to do anything besides mope & whine. Again, how is this fun for you?

    Wants you to go to bed with her to cuddle her off to sleep & get up 2 hours before your time to have breakfast with her!!! You say you like to do this. Perhaps your life is easier that way?????

    You discuss the fact that this is an issue for you, she says practically that it's part of her & tough, get to like it??????

    How are you having fun in this relationship?
    You sound like a very sweet & caring person. You obviously love her very much, but you sound like you're very different than her.
    & you sound like you're evolving your way of life so that it suits how she likes it, instead of what you like.

    You seriously need to get her to cop on!!!!! This jealousy WILL ruin ye. If your not fed up of it now, you will eventually get fed up of it, as you will get fed up of her moping & the lack of any past times.

    I wish you luck. What you have sounds like a nightmare, but so long as you're happy, right!


  • #51
    Kintarō Hattori
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,102 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    I can see how you could interpret this situation BoozyBabe, but yes I do have a good time in this relationship. We do have a good time together and she does alot for me.
    In fairness this whole thread is pretty much centered around one very negative aspect of the relationship. Granted it's a major obstacle, but you are pretty much getting just one side of the story. She is funny, sweet, caring etc. It's not all doom and gloom. I'm by no means a doormat and if I really thought there could be no positive outcome I would call a halt on things, but OTHER than this major obstacle she is a great lady that I do love and I'm willing to try and work this out.

    The one good thing I inherited from my mother was her patience and I sometimes think I have too much!


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  • #52
    Caliden
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,981 ✭✭✭Caliden


    She got jealous because you bought a dvd fo her with a cute girl on the cover?
    If you want someplace to start, get her to read this thread so she can see how rediculous everyone thinks she is acting.


  • #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Your bird is a mess. I think you know this though. You seem to be a walkover too though, I mean what are you doing letting her do this to you? Who cares if she gets jealous, have you seen what she gets jealous over?? There is nothing you can do about it. My girlfriend was over the other night and I was looking up Christian Troy(From Nip Tuck cos i love that show) and found a picture of his ex girlfriend lying oiled up on a couch in a bikini, and decided to put her as my desktop background in front of my girlfriend. She didn't give a damn and why should she? She knows she is my girl and that's all there is to it.

    Also, why are you not unregged if she snoops through your internet history? I say get a few desktop backgrounds of Jennifer Lopez and let her see them, if she flips out, show her where the door is, tell her to cop on or get out. I have no patience for that unwarranted bull****.


  • #54
    Luka Sticky Movement
    Posts: 81,308 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Luka Sticky Movement


    eo980 wrote:
    I can see how you could interpret this situation BoozyBabe, but yes I do have a good time in this relationship. We do have a good time together and she does alot for me.
    In fairness this whole thread is pretty much centered around one very negative aspect of the relationship. Granted it's a major obstacle, but you are pretty much getting just one side of the story. She is funny, sweet, caring etc. It's not all doom and gloom. I'm by no means a doormat and if I really thought there could be no positive outcome I would call a halt on things, but OTHER than this major obstacle she is a great lady that I do love and I'm willing to try and work this out.

    The one good thing I inherited from my mother was her patience and I sometimes think I have too much!
    But it sounds like all doom and gloom. You said she has no hobbies. She clings to you and moans about work all the time. She doesn't go out and do anything. She wants you to tuck her into bed so she can sleep, I mean seriously, she's not 3 years old!!

    Does she even have any friends??


  • #55
    Mrs_Doyle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,187 ✭✭✭Mrs_Doyle


    eo980 wrote:
    As a result of the following post in After Hours about choosing someone for a date my GF isn't speaking to me:
    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=52994614&postcount=35

    She was trawling through the history in Internet Explorer and was asking why there were images of the said ladies.
    I didn't delete the history as I don't think I've done anything wrong, so had nothing to hide.
    I constantly tell her I love her, I look after her very well, I spoil her etc, but she has a major problem with jealousy as I've mentioned here in the past.

    So my question is, would you have a problem if you're partner searched Google Images for pictures of these people to link to in the thread?

    Wow, that's a bit nuts. I could perhaps understand her losing the head if you had secret snaps of girls you actually know in real life, or girls you have met online, but not at a couple of pictures of some celebs!


  • #56
    hottstuff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 595 ✭✭✭hottstuff


    Is she checking your pants for any unsual stains also?

    Sorry , but that is just weird.
    Ive heard of parents checking their pubescent kids browsing habits , but your gf sounds like a control freak.:eek:


  • #57
    Seraphina
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    eo980 wrote:
    She acknowledges that it's not good and could do irreparable damage to our relationship, but she doesn't seem to realise the severity of it or the fact that something has to be done about it.

    yeah, she's happy with the relationship. she sulks about something stupid, you try and make it up to her even though you've done nothing wrong, and she gets her way.

    why would she want to do something about it? she's got you by your balls. you love her, and would do anything for her, and she knows it.

    how far is it gonna go before you say enough is enough?
    she needs to cop on and start making efforts to change, but you seem willing to accept it if you have to, so there's nothing pushing her.

    no offence, but quit pandering to her


  • #58
    irishpartyboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 330 ✭✭irishpartyboy


    Ask your gf does she fancy George Clooney or Brad Pitt? case closed.


  • #59
    stratospheres
    Closed Accounts Posts: 317 ✭✭stratospheres


    I'm sorry but her behaviour is just way too ott imo. I'm only 18 and wouldn't dream of behaving like that with my boyfriend. I am pretty jealous and insecure but I'm nowhere near that bad! You need to stop spoiling her so much - the going to bed with her and getting up with her is strange, it's almost like a parent and child. She needs a life outside of your relationship.


  • #60
    ergonomics
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,810 ✭✭✭ergonomics


    I'm sorry but I find a lot of this crazy. Your girlfriend is completely over reacting and acting like a baby to boot. You seriously go and lie with her in bed until she gets sleepy? How old is she? That's what you do with a 5 year old, if even. You need to sit her down and tell her seriously that her behaviour is way out of order. I can't believe she stopped talking to you over a picture on a dvd and for having photos of fully dressed celebs. Tell her it's not on and make it known how childish and stupid it is. Truth hurts but it's it has to be told. This comes from a jealous, and at times, childish person. My boyf just tells me straight out that I'm acting stupid or like a baby and it hurts but I realise how stupid I am and the embarrassment stops me from doing it again.


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  • #61
    Fanny Cradock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,240 ✭✭✭✭Fanny Cradock


    Trinity1 wrote:
    EO - I will say it again...

    You sound like the perfect boyfriend.

    Careful, anonymous female posters throwing around compliments like that could very well send her into another fit of jealously :)


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