boyfriend and drugs

Beruthiel · 14-03-2007 02:32PM

Are you lot DEAF?
I said keep on topic!

Jocksy wrote:

Dreamer7 is a troll I'm sure of it. THe amount of bad advice given on personal issues is quite shocking. People are looking for help advice and that seems to be the last thing they get.

Dreamer 7 wrote:

E you cabbage head, learn the facts before you start spouting useless crap at people that are looking for genuine advice.

Another word out of you two and you'll both be banned for a week.
B

AnonoBoy · 14-03-2007 02:39PM

I honestly believe that your relationship is doomed.

You want your boyfriend to stop taking drugs completely. Fair enough, I can understand your position.
Your boyfriend however is only willing to cut down, not stop altogether.

I think he's showed his hand and really it's all up to you. If you think you can tolerate the 3 or 4 times a year he does pills then you're ok. But if everytime he does them you're going to be worried and end up arguing then I think you should end it.

Don't give him an ultimatum - that'll only drive him away. Just discuss it with him and then if he's unwilling to stop I think for the good of both of you, you should end it.

Sorry.

Jocksy · 14-03-2007 02:48PM

Are you lot DEAF?

Deaf? I don't listen to boards. And you can take your warning back as well. I'm contributing here in a positve way.

Beruthiel · 14-03-2007 03:01PM

Jocksy wrote:

Deaf? I don't listen to boards. And you can take your warning back as well. I'm contributing here in a positve way.

Banned for a week.
B

dr.bollocko · 14-03-2007 03:04PM

Why is it always that the OP is the one with the strong moral standpoint about drugs? Sure, drugs are illegal, but many drugs arent, and drug laws are a recent cultural invention rather than a doctrine spouted since beyond BC. Is it tantamount to paedophilia to suggest that the OP is incorrect in her strong anti-drugs stance? Its just that it seems idaelogys often end relationship.
And I dont believe one can form a strong opinion on something without having walked a mile in the relevant persons shoes, so to speak..... B and Thaedy I am not suggesting for a second that the OP should just take drugs cos her boyfriend is. I just cant see how someone can be sure of their convictions when they dont know what they are arguing against...
Hope this isnt off topic.....

DarkJager · 14-03-2007 03:20PM

I totally agree with dr bollocko. Drugs are a very shady area for many people, and most opinions are formed off what people read about the negative effects and on "spook" websites like talktofrank. Its something that nobody should base an opinion on until they have experienced it themselves. Nobody should ever be forced to take drugs and should only do so when they feel curious and safe enough about it. Its nice to see that a sensible debate has gone on through this thread rather than the usual one side bashing the other.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2007 03:52PM

DarkJager wrote:

Its something that nobody should base an opinion on until they have experienced it themselves.

True,but it doesn't mean that her discomfort at seeing her bf taking drugs and turning into a different person is unjustified.
Theres a basic incompatibility between people who take drugs and people who dont and its a lot more obvious with drugs like ecstasy than drugs like hash or cigarretes. Some people can work it out, some people cant. In this case the incompatibility is not anyones fault, its unfortunate but its just the way things are.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2007 04:09PM

thanks for the replies. some have been helpful, some haven't. just a couple of things. I am NOT giving him an ultimatum. i want him to stop himself not force him by saying me or the drugs.
people keep saying this is how he was when i met him. that's true. but i've never encountered drugs before him. i didnt know what my opinion was on them because i had no experience of it. it's hard for me to say at the start of the relationship 'i hate drugs', because i didnt know if i did or not. i've never desired to take them before.
Also i dont think i'm ill-informed. i have often sat down with my boyfriend and asked him everything about the different drugs he does. i ask whats it like on them, whats in them, why does he do them etc. he was the one who told me they can have heroin and stuff in them. i dont read this on websites. so please dont lecture me on not knowing anything.
as i said before, i have no desire to do them. but since being with him i have tried mushrooms, hash and snorted half a pill. i tried the mushrooms a few times and admit i did like the feeling it gave me. but i prefer knowing my own mind and will not do them again. i dont do hash because i dont smoke anyways and it just feels horrible. when i took the pill, i was already completely drunk and dont remember anything. apparently i passed out asleep not long after. i think maybe i resent my boyfriend for this. he was the one who offered the stuff to me. he feels bad about it and he doesnt want me doing anything. sometimes i want to take a pill with him just so i can stop feeling bad and have a good time with him. but i never do, because i know i dont want or need to. it would only be a mask for the night. i am petrified of taking a pill and dont think i have the guts to do it.
m flatmate was in the same position as me before. she hated her boyfriend doing anything. eventually she took some with him. she does it regularly now and to be honest, she's definately changed and is a bit of an idiot. i dont want to go down that path.
i have been open-minded as mch as possible about this. i am not just reading scare stories. i ask my boyfriend everything and base my opinion on what he tells me. i've asked a few others who i know do them too so i'm getting information - good and bad - from people who use.
i want to go out this weekend with him. i love going out with him but i've decided to go with other people. i cant stand to see him on them and we'd both have a bad night. but i dont want that to be the case all the time. i dunno. i guess i'm just venting cuz i know only i can decide in the end.

cornbb · 14-03-2007 04:57PM

Good speech. At least you can say you tried it, fair play for not taking em just for the sake of it. These things can and do cause friction sometimes and a lot of relationships like yours would have ended a long time ago. I guess a compromise is needed if your relationship is to work out. You should both go out seperately this weekend, you'll both have fun that way. Maybe you could get him to agree to have some nights out together where he doesn't take them. A little bit of give and take is needed on both sides I guess.

ArphaRima · 14-03-2007 05:26PM

I can never try any major drugs because of my profession, but I do know that I dislike my friends being on them. Yes; its almost like going out when everyone is having a good time with alcohol, and being sober yourself. Almost.
I can soberly look at my friends on a night out with alcohol, and see that they are genuinely having a good time. When I see my friends on drugs like ecstacy, I can see that they have a truly crap night, but they think its brilliant anyway. To me at least there is something deeply wrong there.

I could never go out with a habitual (yes even tri-monthly) drug user. I feel genuine sympathy with the OP.

MikeHoncho · 14-03-2007 06:47PM

There has been some really good and some really bad advice in this thread.

Compromise is one of the most important things in any relationship. If you can not compromise on things then your relationship is doomed. It seems to me that your boyfriend has tried to compromise with you. I think maybe you should try the same thing.

How about allowing him to take drugs on certain pre agreed occasions but that he has to do something nice for you the next weekend to make up for not being around. You wouldnt have to see him or deal with him while he was on them and then you could make the quality time back the next week. Well maybe not this exactly but you get what I mean. Find a compromise that suits you both and do it. You dont want to get into a situation where he is doing them behind your back because then its a trust problem and thats even worse.

kraggy · 14-03-2007 08:08PM

stuck-in-a-rut wrote:

but since being with him i have tried mushrooms, hash and snorted half a pill.

Your 1 experience with pills is snorting a half?

Jesus, that's crazy. try swallowing one first if you're gonna do it again.

vorbis · 14-03-2007 10:05PM

was just about to say that! I've only done 2 pills ever. I remember seeing a friend of mine snorting a pill, looked like he was obliterating his nostril. I have nothing against swallowing pills but snorting them seems nuts.

StupidLikeAFox · 20-03-2007 02:37PM

Your bf has been a lot more honest than most guys i would know. In fairness when he met you he was a somewhat regular user and now he hardly ever takes them. That is a pretty big lifestyle change if you ask me, and a big sacrifice he took for you. If i were you id be grateful for that, and let him have his little dabble every now and then. I know you want him completely clean but he has made a very generous compromise so my advice would be to put up with it.

Also as other posters have said dont believe in the myths too much, they really dont make sense. For every person who ruins their life with drugs there are a thousand people who you would never even know took them, so dont believe the hype!

In general it seems as a couple ye are both completely honest and have no secrets, appreciate that and dont take that for granted. I dont mean to be condescending but you dont really know what your talkin about, he seems to have his head screwed on so try trust him to make the right decisions! and most of all good luck!

JC 2K3 · 20-03-2007 04:09PM

fluffer wrote:

I can soberly look at my friends on a night out with alcohol, and see that they are genuinely having a good time. When I see my friends on drugs like ecstacy, I can see that they have a truly crap night, but they think its brilliant anyway.

What the hell?

What's the difference between having a good time and thinking you're having a good time????

Cake Fiend · 20-03-2007 04:30PM

OP, you've obviously developed an (uninformed) opinion of ecstasy (your boyfriend is no more an expert on drugs than you are; he's not a reliable source of statistical information such as the rat poison content of your average E tablet). I think you should do some more research, using scientifically accurate sources (rather than asking random recreational users) and then consider your position from a more informed standpoint.

fluffer wrote:

When I see my friends on drugs like ecstacy, I can see that they have a truly crap night, but they think its brilliant anyway. To me at least there is something deeply wrong there.

This statement is just bizarre and I'm not sure what to make of it. I can only assume that you greatly overestimate your ability to tell whether someone is having a good time.

axer · 21-03-2007 02:27PM

stuck-in-a-rut wrote:

thanks for the replies. some have been helpful, some haven't. just a couple of things. I am NOT giving him an ultimatum. i want him to stop himself not force him by saying me or the drugs.
people keep saying this is how he was when i met him. that's true. but i've never encountered drugs before him. i didnt know what my opinion was on them because i had no experience of it. it's hard for me to say at the start of the relationship 'i hate drugs', because i didnt know if i did or not. i've never desired to take them before.

Yes, you are right. He must decide for himself. All you can do is let him know your feelings on the matter. If you feel that strongly about drugs then it will come down to him giving them up or you leaving him. There is no point telling him that that is the ultimatum as you will not get a true decision from him to give up the drugs then i.e. he must decide for himself or its all a waste of time.

stuck-in-a-rut wrote:

Also i dont think i'm ill-informed. i have often sat down with my boyfriend and asked him everything about the different drugs he does. i ask whats it like on them, whats in them, why does he do them etc. he was the one who told me they can have heroin and stuff in them. i dont read this on websites. so please dont lecture me on not knowing anything.

While Cake Fiend has a point that you should look at scientific studies, I still think it is a good idea to talk to people who actually use the drugs. Scientific studies do not show everything.

stuck-in-a-rut wrote:

as i said before, i have no desire to do them. but since being with him i have tried mushrooms, hash and snorted half a pill. i tried the mushrooms a few times and admit i did like the feeling it gave me. but i prefer knowing my own mind and will not do them again. i dont do hash because i dont smoke anyways and it just feels horrible. when i took the pill, i was already completely drunk and dont remember anything. apparently i passed out asleep not long after. i think maybe i resent my boyfriend for this. he was the one who offered the stuff to me. he feels bad about it and he doesnt want me doing anything. sometimes i want to take a pill with him just so i can stop feeling bad and have a good time with him. but i never do, because i know i dont want or need to. it would only be a mask for the night. i am petrified of taking a pill and dont think i have the guts to do it.
m flatmate was in the same position as me before. she hated her boyfriend doing anything. eventually she took some with him. she does it regularly now and to be honest, she's definately changed and is a bit of an idiot. i dont want to go down that path.

You are dead right. You have been exposed to drugs and peer pressured to try some. I think your boyfriend was COMPLETELY wrong to offer you a pill. Granted he knows this now.

I think the only way to get past this is to either start taking drugs or leave him. It is a sad situation when someone would have to take drugs in order to keep a relationship alive. I stongly recommend you do no take that path (which I know you already know).

stuck-in-a-rut wrote:

i have been open-minded as mch as possible about this. i am not just reading scare stories. i ask my boyfriend everything and base my opinion on what he tells me. i've asked a few others who i know do them too so i'm getting information - good and bad - from people who use.

Asking users is not enough - you need to read the scientific research aswell - neither by themselves give a true picture of drugs.

stuck-in-a-rut wrote:

i want to go out this weekend with him. i love going out with him but i've decided to go with other people. i cant stand to see him on them and we'd both have a bad night. but i dont want that to be the case all the time. i dunno. i guess i'm just venting cuz i know only i can decide in the end.

Don't expect him to change. Decide can you deal with this relationship if nothing changed? If you can - then you must leave it at that and give up on the arguments as they will get you nowhere. If you can't then you must leave him and let him know the truth that you cannot go out with a guy that takes ecstasy.

I used to smoke a bit of hash with my friends - I would never do anything harder even though they do when Im with them. My girlfriend is completely anti-drugs (but she has a reason - she has behcet's syndrome so she cannot understand why someone would ruin a perfectly healthy body). She asked me to stop smoking hash. At first out of principal I didn't as I know I smoke so little that it does not have a negative effect on me but now out of respect to her I don't smoke any more even though I am offered it so much.

ArphaRima · 21-03-2007 03:06PM

This statement is just bizarre and I'm not sure what to make of it. I can only assume that you greatly overestimate your ability to tell whether someone is having a good time.

Hmm.. I overestimate my ability to tell if someone is having a good time? I guess its a fine line. If somebody is having a good time by rubbing the hairs on their arms, or dancing badly to nobody, then grand. But its not what anybody would call a good time if drugs were not involved. Yep sure, drinking CAN be like that too. A joke more funny when drunk, a bird more shaggable, a prank more appropriate etc. But at least it usually just people's inhibitions gone, making it a fun night. Drugs let you have a bad (ie completely uneventful) night but you think it was great. I think alcohol can be far more sociable a drug than ecstacy can be. But I like socialising. Maybe others like rubbing their arms and chewing their gums more...
Like I said though. I'm not anti-drugs. I just cant do them. I just say it as I see it.

mossieh · 21-03-2007 04:45PM

dr.bollocko wrote:

OK there are far far faaaarrrr too many uninformed opinions spouted on this thread for me to even begin commenting. And thats just a fact.
And Dreamer 7, I really really hope that thats just a misguided troll or something, because there is no way in hell that any amount of MDMA in one pill is ever gonna have that effect on someone. Why do you think that pills are branded? Its so that people who take them can recognise the type and know that it's ok. Nobody who wants to make money from selling is ever gonna put rat poison, heroin or any such thing in pills if they actually want people to buy them again. Dead people dont buy drugs again.

You walked into this relationship with your eyes open OP. Your boyfriend has never changed his stance on drug use, whereas you have. What was fine in the start when you were just happy to be with him is no longer fine now, and thats not his fault, is it?
I can understand that you dont like him when he's on it. But I can guarantee that he loves you, wishes you were around with him and has some of the best and closest nights with his close friends when he is taking them. I know a lot of pills people, and none of them turn into raving frothing at the mouth idiots when they take them. For the effects that you get from not taking too much there really is a huge amount of bull**** and propaganda out there about what will happen to you.
If you are in a relationship and a partner doesnt take drugs, lord help that relationship if you do take drugs regularly. If you smoke, he better smoke, if you like to stay out all night and get pissed, he better too. Otherwise the arguing, the claiming of the moral highground, the making the other feel bad and trying to change them, it just causes resentment, anger, promotes a lack of understanding and will eventually cause the relationship to end.
If you were out for a wild night with your friends, and your boyfriend wanted to go home, clean up and head to bed, you'd think "What a boring dry bastard."
And this is how his pills evenings are going for him. Its just something you cant explain to the uninitiated.
I think that you can badger him and badger him until he is lying to you about his usage of drugs, or until the relationship ends, but he is never gonna stop taking them forever just because someone sticks on a lemon face and leaves every time he takes one.
It just is not a big deal for someone to occasionally take an ecstasy and have a brilliant night. I think you either have to re-evaluate your strong anti drugs stance with the evidence in front of you, of people actually on them that you can see are ok and having a good time, as opposed to using biased online resources, and listening to some of the crap spouted on here.
Either that or you have to re-evaluate your relationship. If he doesnt stop, do you still want to be with him? If no, then leave him, if yes, then leave him be.

Great post, well said. OP, if you want good advice, read this post again.

boyfriend and drugs

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