I have a bf and I sleep around?

hmmmm · 06-01-2007 12:36PM

Unregreg wrote:

'

I know what you're saying but she says that he gets annoyed about it, to me it sounds like he doesn't want her doing it but doesn't want to tell her to stop. I could be wrong, but that's how it sounds to me.'

I agree - of course he doesn't want her doing it but if he thinks the negatives (i.e. the sleeping around) outway the postives then HE must decide to leave her. I can imagine it would be hard but it is not up to the OP to do the dumping just because of her lifestyle choice.

OP, more than likely you will lose this guy eventually as he clearly does not like the fact you are still sleeping around. ONLY YOU can decide which you love more - your boyfriend or the sleeping with the randomer.

06-01-2007 04:29PM

The "troll" part in your character name explains some of the responses to your OP? That and the nature of your post makes everyone wonder if you are for real?

If you are for real, you already acknowledge, as do others, that open relationships are not the norm. The mere fact that you are asking us in this forum should suggest the answer to yourself?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 06-01-2007 06:20PM

Thaedydal wrote:

Oh get over yourself Ikky Poo2 I did not single you out but made the warning a general one.

Oh and if you really feeled compelled to point out any futher of my dyslexic error please do so via pm.

Apologies! Wasn't intended eriously!!

darkflower · 07-01-2007 04:03PM

trawingtroll wrote:

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 month and I'm still sleeping around. He asks me about the people I shag. He knows I love him, but I love my sex with radomer. We have like 3somes and stuff, but they can be had to arrange. He gets upset that I'm sleeping around but not caz I'm "cheating" caz of how people in Ireland view him. In the culture where he's from he can have 4 wife, why can't I have a few bf and just one primary bf.

Should I change and become Monogamous, what the advantage?

never met one as liberated as you dear. just be careful though. as for the primary bf, so long as he accepts it pretty well then good. you can have a few more.;)

trawingtroll · 09-01-2007 11:22AM

bringitdown wrote:

- What age are you?

23

trawingtroll · 09-01-2007 11:43AM

Unregreg wrote:

I don't think it's fair what you're doing. If you wanna be with this guy then focus on him, if you wanna keep going with randomers then dump him. It's just not fair what you're doing on the poor guy. you're obviously not ready to settle down and be in a relationship, so end it before you hurt him.

I tried to "dump" as you call it, didn't work, he wouldn't let me, and I don't really want to, why would I.

rick_fantastic · 09-01-2007 12:09PM

i thought monogamy was a type of wood.....

all messing aside though, if you dont want to settle down and your happy with your situation then happy days.

Miss Fluff · 09-01-2007 12:15PM

trawingtroll wrote:

I tried to "dump" as you call it, didn't work, he wouldn't let me, and I don't really want to, why would I.

Quite frankly this is more like a blog than a personal issue. If you want to dump him, dump him. If not, don't. Simple as.

Nevyn · 09-01-2007 12:18PM

If you want to cut someone out of your life you can, if you really want to.

If you still want to maintain your primary relationship with him then you have to
come to an agreement about what is acceptible to the both of you.

Lots of people date and have casual relationships with more then one person but if you are going to have a primary relationship you have to take them into consideration and thier feelings and what they consider to be deal breakers between you both.

I think it is a personal issue. We judge how we should be in relationships by what we see around us or what we know of relationships.
This person has come to find out if other types of relationships happen and if they are possible and yes they are.

Marksie · 09-01-2007 12:24PM

I doubt monogamy is for you at this point in time. It is society which convenes monogamy as the way to go, but really it is up to the individual, it is important that you and your boyfriend are clear on limits and what is and is not acceptable between the two of you, on both fronts.

You say that your BF is jealous not because you sleep around but because of how it reflects on him? Although his culture accepts many wives, are you happy with him having one primary g/friend and several others as you want one primary b/friend and several others?.

The other B/friends are they one night stands or more polyamoury in nature?

It appears that threesomes are acceptable, so perhaps as someone suggested explore the swing scene more. Or is it that you just like the opportunity to play alone?

I think you and your primary b/friend have just to underline what it is that is causing the issues between the two of you and actually draw up the limits and stick to them.

Beruthiel · 09-01-2007 12:32PM

Thaedydal wrote:

This person has come to find out if other types of relationships happen and if they are possible and yes they are.

All types of relationships are possible, but only if everyone involved is happy with the situation.
The problem here is the OP wants it one way and his b/f wants it another.
So either you move on from the b/f because he is not happy and hurting him is not on.
Or
You care about him enough to change in order to make him happy.

Marksie · 09-01-2007 01:01PM

Beruthiel wrote:

So either you move on from the b/f because he is not happy and hurting him is not on.
Or
You care about him enough to change in order to make him happy.

Thats it in a nutshell better than all my waffle

with the addition that both could compromise on an acceptable median

trawingtroll · 09-01-2007 01:26PM

marksuttonie wrote:

You say that your BF is jealous not because you sleep around but because of how it reflects on him?

This is it, he's worried that people will look down on him if they know I'm a "slut". Do/would people look down on him? I think they more look down at me. He's been live in western countries for a while and adopted western culture even parts of the religion.

Although his culture accepts many wives, are you happy with him having one primary g/friend and several others as you want one primary b/friend and several others?

This is changing the feminists are growing stronger and putting law reform though to ensure the first wife is given the house in her name. (I'll find the article later). I don't think I'd mind if he did.

The other B/friends are they one night stands or more polyandry in nature?

More one night stands, I'm not about to open a harem.

trawingtroll · 09-01-2007 01:30PM

Oh and to all those with back ward views on polygamy and sex read.
Westerners 'are more promiscuous'

Marksie · 09-01-2007 01:39PM

trawingtroll wrote:

This is it, he's woried that poeple will look down on him if they know I'm a "slut". Do/would poeple look down on him? I think they more look down at me. He's been live in western countries for a while and addopted western culture even parts of the religion..

Things are changing as regards sexuality and i personally wouldn't look down on anyone for expressing it.
But it may be more in his head: things like would people think he couldn't keep you satisfied, would people think he is being used. That sort of thing.
Then again, do you advertise? Do you announce to people that i have a boyfriend but i do one night stands?
So i think maybe it is his own perception rather than what others are saying. If he was truly happy with it, he wouldnt worry what others think, although yes, in general society is prudish.

If it is more one night stands then perhaps a discussion on visiting clubs abroad may be in order. you get the excitment and the freedom to express that you desire, within a framework where no one will be judging.

Still you have to sit down and work out an acceptable formula for the pair of you

vermont · 09-01-2007 10:23PM

Trawingtroll, on behalf of unsuspecting randomers everywhere, and your bf of course, can you assure us that you're using protection, like condoms, every time??

Also, do people really think 'Lots of people date and have casual relationships with more then one person....' ? So lots of people have boyfriends/girlfriends and sh*g randomers on the side?

Jeez, I'm starting to think my life is pretty boring....

Bob the Builder · 09-01-2007 11:36PM

Well think of it, You're not actually going out with your "boyfriend". If you were you would be dedicated to him!

Yes, sex feels great etc, but honestly, it's not like he has an STD or sumting, does he? ..Can you not get the same from him?

In my age group, they call people like you "slut's" or "whore's". Yes, people will look down on your bf, for managing to put up with an "open to the public, whore". I'm sorry, but thats the way it is, if he;s dissappointed with you...I'm sure you can guess why. Of Course I'm just a culchie 14year old but thats the way it's accepted in our society...

vermont wrote:

Trawingtroll, on behalf of unsuspecting randomers everywhere, and your bf of course, can you assure us that you're using protection, like condoms, every time?

...?

vermont · 10-01-2007 12:20AM

Oi nevf! Hope ya don't mean me !!

Good for you lad/lass. Nice to see the very young have some standards...

Nevyn · 10-01-2007 12:31AM

It is not about having some standards or some morals but just different ones.
What does a 14 year old reared know about relationships tbh only what he has obeserved in his 14 years and that is not the sum of the varitation of relationships that exsist.

vermont · 10-01-2007 12:42AM

You call what the OP is talking about 'relationships'?

Nevf, sorry, trawingtroll is just describing another totally valid and acceptable way of having relationships, y'know, 'as long as no-one gets hurt' etc....

#Smokey# · 10-01-2007 12:48AM

best advice is to dump him or get you both to change to a monogamous(sp?) relationship as just because he doesnt want you to sleep around doesnt mean hes allowed to, either Westerner or not, this is Ireland and if its ok in his culture so what we all have to compromise thats what lifes about.

vermont · 10-01-2007 01:32AM

Y’know I just cannot credit this crap I really can’t. This poster comes on, there’s a couple of pisstakes because people don’t believe the post’s for real; they’re threatened with banning. Lots of people are like ‘oh yeah you can do what you like as long as you’re not hurting anyone’ or ‘sure everyone has a different view of relationships’. And it takes a freakin 14 year old to come on here and tell it like it is. Then HE gets told he doesn’t have enough life experience or whatever to understand that this is like, acceptable. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? Is that the lesson you want kids of 14 to learn, that it’s acceptable to be in a supposed relationship and shag your way round town with anyone/everyone else?

Thaedydal, do you have kids? Is this what you’re gonna be saying to your 23-year old when she (he) comes home and tells you she’s with someone for 6 months and shagging everyone and anyone else? That ‘it’s grand love as long as no-one gets hurt’?? My ARSE. And I’m sure you won’t be advising it to them when you’re giving them sex education either.

I’m all for experimentation or threesomes or whatever you’re having – WITHIN a relationship. Yes, monogamy can be hard and there’s always mistakes or affairs. But FFS, for people to be condoning this BS???
Oh and OP, you never came back to us about the ‘safe sex’….. I’ll get some leaflets on HIV/STIs to post to your boyfriend anyway will I? I worry about him…

In my opinion, posts like this should just be treated with the contempt they deserve.

Nevyn · 10-01-2007 02:39AM

vermont if you have an issue with how a thread is moderated take it to the feed back forum other wise your posting is off topic and unhelpful.
Treating any poster with contempt will can also fall under the heading of being abusice which will also get you banned from this forum.

Just because open relationships are beyond your knowledge and experience and would not be an option for you in your life does not make them bad or wrong.

Wether or not I have children and what would I teach them about sex and relationships is none of your concern.

This is it, he's worried that people will look down on him if they know I'm a "slut". Do/would people look down on him? I think they more look down at me. He's been live in western countries for a while and adopted western culture even parts of the religion.

Unfortuantly many people are either close minded or plain ignorant about open realtionships and can be very judgemental about people that are in them.

If you wish to be in an open relationship you have to take your primary partner's needs and feelings into consideration.

Take some time to research the pitfalls of open relationships and discuss it with him and what would be no go areas for you both and what would be deal breakers.

vermont · 10-01-2007 09:40AM

This is NOT an open relationship Thaedydal. I think you'll find that contrary to your statement "Lots of people have one primary partner and sleep with people on the side...' is just plain not correct. Can you provide the article where you got that statement and possibly also some statistics?
In making comment like this, you are telling some very young posters that this type of behaviour is acceptable - sorry but it's not, and if you think it is, then you have no belief in personal responsibility or boundaries, or self respect.

These are public forums. There are many mothers of young teenagers that would read this thread and some of the advice being given, and be disgusted. Boards.ie might find itself the subject of a debate on the Joe Duffy show or something. I'm just saying that Boards.ie has a responsibility to its younger posters.

This post was frivolous and waste of time.

Talliesin · 10-01-2007 09:51AM

vermont wrote:

I think you'll find that contrary to your statement "Lots of people have one primary partner and sleep with people on the side...' is just plain not correct.

I can think of a few among my personal aquaintances.

vermont wrote:

In making comment like this, you are telling some very young posters that this type of behaviour is acceptable - sorry but it's not, and if you think it is, then you have no belief in personal responsibility or boundaries, or self respect.

In making a comment like this you are telling some very young posters that forcing your relationship models upon people it doesn't suit is acceptable - sorry but it's not, and there are increasingly legal protections against such bigotry.

If you want to follow a particular relationship model, then fine, but don't expect the other 6billion of us in the world to find that what works for you works for us.

vermont wrote:

These are public forums. There are many mothers of young teenagers that would read this thread and some of the advice being given, and be disgusted.

I raise my children to read critically, so when they're old enough to read boards, even though bile like your post is on it it's not going to harm them.

vermont wrote:

Boards.ie might find itself the subject of a debate on the Joe Duffy show or something.

Ah, the moral and political watchdog of the nation, a bunch of over-excitable uniformed timewasters rabbitting away on the radiio. Call out the National Guard!

vermont wrote:

I'm just saying that Boards.ie has a responsibility to its younger posters.

If some young posters have learnt that your way of living is not the only one then I think the site has done a good job.

If some young posters have learnt that your way of living is not the only one, and come to decide that it's still the one for them - but are doing so as thinking people aware of how the world works rather than just blindly stumbling through important decisions in their lives - then so much the better.

This forum is meant to be about the real world, not some imaginary theocracy with comely maidens dancing at crossroads etc.

Nevyn · 10-01-2007 09:54AM

The op is asking about open relationships and clearly wants one wether her bf does is a different matter and one they will have to work to resolve.

Vermont if you want a discussion on the rights or wrongs of them take it to humanities.

For some people open relationships and polyrelationships are acceptible.

Again if you have an issue with the content or modding of this forum take it to the feed back forum.

Beruthiel · 10-01-2007 10:07AM

vermont wrote:

This is NOT an open relationship Thaedydal. I think you'll find that contrary to your statement "Lots of people have one primary partner and sleep with people on the side...' is just plain not correct. Can you provide the article where you got that statement and possibly also some statistics?

You know vermount, just because you or I may wish to have a one partner relationship does not mean we have the right to tell others how to live their lives. Nor does it mean we have the right to look down on them in some way because they are different to us in that regard, this is called tolerance.

In making comment like this, you are telling some very young posters that this type of behaviour is acceptable

No, what we are telling them is that instead of being a bigot, you could perhaps learn to live and let live.

sorry but it's not, and if you think it is, then you have no belief in personal responsibility or boundaries, or self respect.

In your opinion.
A parent who brings their child up to respect others right to live how they wish, has done a good job imo.

There are many mothers of young teenagers that would read this thread and some of the advice being given, and be disgusted.

Perhaps they should monitor their childrens internet usage then.
I happen to be the mother of a teenager, I've brought her up to think for herself and to be tolerant of others.

The Hill Billy · 10-01-2007 10:16AM

A couple of points:

Vermont - When I first read your posts I found myself mentally nodding in agreement at some of your points, but as Thaedydal said - this is better dealt with in Humanities. The OP has a specific PI & while her choice of relationship(s) may not to be your or my tastes - merde d'occur. The veiled Joe Duffy threat & suggested suppression of "free-speech" won't help the OP with her PI or your rep with the "I-demand-my-digital-right-to-say-what-I-want-brigade" (they hang out in the Feedback forum - stay well clear of there!

)

Thaed/Talliesin/Beruthiel - Modding & advice as impeccable as usual.

Back on topic...
OP - You need speak with your boyfriend & see if you can establish the boundaries of your relationship with him. If you cannot agree on boundaries that are mutually acceptable - you need to move on & find someone who is comfortable with what you want from a relationship. You should also give serious consideration to your sexual health.

Marksie · 10-01-2007 10:52AM

Vermont:
Replies to the OP that i made were in relation to the issue raised and possible consequences.

Ranting about other peoples views and attitudes ony show the attitude of the poster.

Whether you like it or not there is an incredibly wide spectrum of human behaviour present. If it does not fall into your mindset fair enough, but a reasoned response rather than a semi hysterical rant would have been appreciated.

A more frank and open discussion on issues is in the s+s forum, which is subscription so that "children" cannot use it.. (mods you can correct me if i am wrong).

If you start with threats of Joe duffy etc. Where will you stop.. no PI where anyone discusses sexual issues?

Whether you believe in monogamy or open relationships is really up to the individual, but to scream and insult posters who are openly discussing and issues with the OP really shows a poor attitude altogether.

As beruthiel says, understanding others viewpoints and being open about them, even though you may not necessarily agree with them, is a sign of maturity. From that aspect your posts show a level less than that of the 14 year old you were talking about.

Yet there is a degree of hypocrisy in your posts in that you accept threesomes as long as its in a "relationship", yet refuse to accept a more open relationship as being anything but and the OP a slut and whore.

as for some statistics .. as you seem not to accpet anything unless hard copy.. there was an article in the sunday times on swinging being the new vogue in chic circles. it stated that an estimated 1.5 million couples in the uk alone had indulged in swinging with 9 million swaying.

Additionally it has been etsimated that 30% of monogamous couples actually have affairs.

Monogamy, polyamoury, something in between is all a choice. If you read many of the posts, they were not attacking "morals" but were accepting that this particular couple were in a situation where the b.friend was not upset by her having different sexual partners but more by what others would think.

From that aspect posters were dealing with the post.
But i guess it was only a question of time before a bigoted post came in.
As for your ascertation that this is a frivolous thread. No.. i would dispute that,this is an every day life occurrence.

Should we stick to better ones... "my teddy bear has no ears" perhaps, or perhaps you would like a censor?

vermont · 10-01-2007 10:56AM

First of all, 'The veiled Joe Duffy threat.....', Hill Billy don't worry, there is absolutely no way that was a veiled threat by me; I've only occasionally listened to it, but I've heard the type of people that come on, and this is the sort of thing that you sometimes hear them discussing. All I'm doing is advising the boards.ie show caution with some of the open-ended and unproven statements, given some of the possible readership.

Beruthiel, you've essentially called me 'vile' and a bigot. I know what you have me pegged as profile-wise, and you couldn't be more wrong. I'm a young person, I know lots of people doing lots of different things with their lives, sexually and otherwise, and within reason, I'm tolerant. I'd love to think that the op is out there practising safe sex and at least showing some sense of responsibility over it - I'm doubtful, but that's up to her/him. If you think that makes me vile and a bigot, so be it.

Theadydal, I just felt some of your advice was unsubstantiated; personally I would never feel I could come on a forum and say 'lots of people.....' etc... I just don't have the proof. The comment I made about your possible kids, didn't really want a reply. I just know that if my 23 year old came in and told me he/she was living their lives that way, I wouldn't be happy about it. I wouldn't be happy for the supposed boyfriend, I wouldn't be happy about the safe sex situation, I wouldn't be happy that he/she could be exposed to any type of danger from an unpredictable 'randomer' or even from an enraged partner. Again, if that makes me narrow-minded, bigoted etc etc. I'll take my chances.

OP, I just don't understand why you posted. It's like a alco coming on saying 'well I love gettin rubbered, but hey tell me what's so great about sobriety'. I'd still like to hear you come on here and say you always practice safe sex, and get regular tests and make sure your boyfriend does too.

Finally, so be it if you all want to ban me just because I've expressed a different opinion. I'm not the type of person you should be hatin on, you especially Beruthial.

I have a bf and I sleep around?

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