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I have a bf and I sleep around?

13

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    Let's not make this a Vermont bashing session, focus on the OP and her question :)

    The OP states that the only reason the bf is hesitant about the open relationship is because he is afraid of how he looks to other people.

    This is still hesitance on his part and therefore indicates that he is uncomfortable with the current arrangement.

    So, right now, your behaviour is hurting him, if you love him, I believe you should stop sleeping around for now. In the meantime you need to discuss with him the exact reasons for this discomfort. I know what he says but is that really it? Are you 100% sure that he is comfortable with the physical act of you having sex with other people?

    If he is, then you can work to resolve the issues, if he's not then I don't believe anything you can say will change things and you therefore have a choice: continue to hurt him and abuse his trust in you or let him go and find someone who is completely comfortable with an open relationship.

    If he is worried about how he looks to other people then this is going to be difficult to overcome as it sounds like a self-esteem issue. Your behaviour will certainly not help someone with low self-esteem as he could indeed begin to doubt himself sexually as well...sounds crazy but people with self-esteem issues don't need much to tip their thinking in a negative direction. Perhaps if he felt he had more control over the issue (i.e. when you slept with someone) he would feel better in himself. Perhaps having him take a more Masterful role (without descending into BSDM, doesn't sound like he'd be too comfortable with that) it would boost his self-esteem?

    Either way, your bf is providing a mixed message...yes, I'm happy to be in an open relationship so long as all my friends and people around me think that's okay. In other words...he is not happy to be in this open relationship and for that reason you should stop hurting him by either remaining monogamous or just moving on. Hard choices ahead.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    vermont wrote:
    Beruthiel, you've essentially called me 'vile' and a bigot.

    No where in my post did I use the word vile. Your views are bigoted though.
    I just know that if my 23 year old came in and told me he/she was living their lives that way, I wouldn't be happy about it. I wouldn't be happy for the supposed boyfriend, I wouldn't be happy about the safe sex situation, I wouldn't be happy that he/she could be exposed to any type of danger from an unpredictable 'randomer' or even from an enraged partner.

    Because hetrosexual relationships are never exposed to STI's, they are never exposed to unpredictable randomers or enraged partners.
    You only have to read this forum on a regular basis to see hetrosexual relationships exposed to these kind of things all the time.

    I feel sorry for any child you have that might be gay then.
    What if they were?
    You would never know, because they would know they could never come to you.
    You would make them feel like there is something wrong with them for being gay, you would deny a whole part of their existance, a very important part of their existance.
    You would make them feel like they were not good enough to be your child. They would feel unloved by a parent who should love them no matter what. Because all they are doing at the end of the day is living their life in the only way they can in order to be happy.
    I was under the impression that all any parent wants is for their child is to be happy.
    Conforming to how you 'think' life should be lead by others is not happiness if it denys the individual his freedom to be what s/he wants to be.
    I'm not the type of person you should be hatin on, you especially Beruthial.

    Hatin on?
    That's a presumption on your part vermount, I don't know you, why would I hate you?
    If anything, I feel sadness for you, and that's the truth.


    OP
    I'm interested to know if you have discussed anything with your b/f on this yet?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 38 hmmmm


    vermont wrote:
    I wouldn't be happy for the supposed boyfriend
    So what if you are not happy for the boyfriend. The OP's boyfriend has a choice. She is not lying to him and she is not cheating on him - he knows the situation, if he doesn't like it then he can dump her.
    vermont wrote:
    I wouldn't be happy about the safe sex situation
    You are presuming she doesn't practice safe sex. You are getting all high and almighty just because the OP didn't answer your question on whether she practices safe sex or not. Just because she didn't answer doesn't mean that she doesn't practice it.
    vermont wrote:
    OP, I just don't understand why you posted. It's like a alco coming on saying 'well I love gettin rubbered, but hey tell me what's so great about sobriety'.
    and I would list all the things that are great about being sober.
    vermont wrote:
    I'd still like to hear you come on here and say you always practice safe sex, and get regular tests and make sure your boyfriend does too.
    I doubt that would be enough for you considering you seem to have many other issues regarding the OPs situation.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 38 hmmmm


    r3nu4l wrote:
    continue to hurt him and abuse his trust in you or let him go and find someone who is completely comfortable with an open relationship.
    Firstly, while it MAY hurt the OP's boyfriend - she is not abusing his trust. She has not lied to him.
    Secondly, She is not keeping him chained to this relationship - so why should she feel like she has to "set him free".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 vermont


    Beruthial I have lots of gay friends. My kid being possibly gay doesn't bother me in the slightest, and why would it? Now if I found out my kid had terminal cancer, well that's a different story.

    'Because hetrosexual relationships are never exposed to STI's, they are never exposed to unpredictable randomers or enraged partners.
    You only have to read this forum on a regular basis to see hetrosexual relationships exposed to these kind of things all the time.'

    That's what you say above, sorry about the way I'm quoting it, can't seem to pick bits out and quote em properly.
    To answer that, of course what you say is true; but it's not like those people have chosen a lifestyle that would expose them more to this,do you know what I mean? Not making myself clear really. Say a man goes into a monogamous relationship for 3 years, ends up having a one nighter that he didn't intend to have and gets Aids from it. I mean I would have a lot of sympathy for him, obviously for his partner too. It's different with the OP, who has chosen to live this life, and is probably more exposed, so's her partner.

    Look Beruthial, I'm not saying monogamy is the bee all and end all. Right now I'm in a monogamous relationship and sometimes I find it hard. I'm not intending having an affair because there are bigger things at stake. But I know life can throw things at you sometimes. Said it before, yes people live differently, of course they do. I just think there are respect issues in this case over and beyond other cases.

    marksutton, you made lots of points too, and I take all your points but to debate them all would take too long. I was angry when I typed that mail and would never normally use uppercase. Like I said, I'm saddened about aspects of this; I would hate to think a kid of mine would treat someone like that.
    Mark I repeat, I think boards.ie is a great forum; only the other day, a 16 year old got some great advice about first sex etc. The Joe Duffy comment, I repeat, is most certainly not something I'd do, just saying there are other people who would, and you don't know who's reading.

    CAn't really defend myself any more; if people feel sorry for me, grand, I know I'm a fair-minded person and I just want to see people treat each other with respect.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    hmmmm wrote:
    Firstly, while it MAY hurt the OP's boyfriend - she is not abusing his trust. She has not lied to him. She is not keeping him chained to this relationship - so why should she feel like she has to "set him free".

    :confused: It IS hurting the bf, that's why the OP is here!

    I agree that the bf can just walk himself but again I suspect (but obviously can't be sure ;)) low self-esteem and if this is the case the bf is never going to walk himself and should be 'set free' as you put it :)

    Fair point about 'abusing his trust', I didn't mean it the way it sounds. I meant that the bf is trusting the OP's love for him, I'm not entirely sure that's the case (again I don't know, this is subjective with me putting myself in the OP's shoes, not the easiest thing to do). If I loved someone who didn't want an open relationship then I would either stop sleeping around or let the other person go...hard as that would be. Some people just aren't built for an open relationship and it is unfair to expect they should accept one. We should also show tolerance to those who do not understand the concept of an open relationship or who do not accept that it is right.

    Personally, I have no problem with people having open relationships, heterosexual or otherwise and would have no problem with a son/daughter having any such relationship so long as all partners were happy with the situation.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Hill Billy wrote:
    Thaed/Talliesin/Beruthiel - Modding & advice as impeccable as usual.
    Wasn't modding in my case. I only mod here if a PI mod is busy and has asked for extra cover. If it sounded like I was talking as a mod then I misworded my rather hasty response.

    I was thinking of the OP in what I wrote, and my point being that it's for the OP to decide upon the rights and wrongs of polyamoury, monogamy, open monogamy or whatever. Doing so by following the norms of a particular society, religion or what have you is certainly one way to come to that decision if they've already decided that one should follow such norms, but following those norms just because it's simpler not to think about what one does with ones life isn't.

    Breaking from norms will bring problems of course, but so will following them.

    Ultimately the OP will have to decide what relationship models can work for them, what relationship models can work for their partner (really work for him, rather than his just putting up with it), and then see if there is one in both sets. If there is, then that's the one to live by. If there isn't, then a break-up is probably inevitable and probably a matter of the sooner the better.
    r3nu4l wrote:
    Perhaps if he felt he had more control over the issue (i.e. when you slept with someone) he would feel better in himself. Perhaps having him take a more Masterful role (without descending into BSDM, doesn't sound like he'd be too comfortable with that) it would boost his self-esteem?
    I know people that that works for in a D/s way.
    r3nu4l wrote:
    Either way, your bf is providing a mixed message...yes, I'm happy to be in an open relationship so long as all my friends and people around me think that's okay. In other words...he is not happy to be in this open relationship and for that reason you should stop hurting him by either remaining monogamous or just moving on. Hard choices ahead.
    TBH if his only issue was genuinely a matter of how other people thought about him I'd be inclined to tell him to grow a pair and start living authentically instead of in fear of opinion.

    I'd be more worried that he isn't as okay with things as he'd like to be, and talk of how other people would view it is a way of expressing that, that doesn't mean he has to vocalise his own issues with it.

    I'll wrote in defence of people's choice to not be monogamous above, but other people's choice to be monogamous is just as worthy of defence. One certainly doesn't have to be happy with any other relationship model.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    Talliesin wrote:
    I know people that that works for in a D/s way.

    That's why I thought it could boost his self-esteem or at least give a feeling of control. It becomes more of a game then, and he is actively involved but I do still wonder if the bf would be willing to participate (without having to go so far as to bring out the dog collar or crocidile clips obviously!).
    Talliesin wrote:
    TBH if his only issue was genuinely a matter of how other people thought about him I'd be inclined to tell him to grow a pair and start living authentically instead of in fear of opinion.

    I'd be more worried that he isn't as okay with things as he'd like to be, and talk of how other people would view it is a way of expressing that, that doesn't mean he has to vocalise his own issues with it.
    [/QUOTE]
    My thoughts exactly, that's why I've asked the OP to clarify with him. From what I've read the bf sounds totally uncomfortable with the situation and that is not a good way to be. Either way I hope the OP and bf can work it out. There are plenty of fun alternatives that the bf may like but it's better not to mention them in PI.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    hmmmm wrote:
    Firstly, while it MAY hurt the OP's boyfriend - she is not abusing his trust. She has not lied to him.
    Secondly, She is not keeping him chained to this relationship - so why should she feel like she has to "set him free".

    In one of the OP posts she stated that she had tried dumping him but he didn't want that.

    Talliesin made a very good point about the b/f projecting his concerns in the context of what others think.

    That was partly why i asked were they going around announcing it to all and sundry or if others knew.

    So thats why they have to have a frank discussion about the situation


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    r3nu4l wrote:
    That's why I thought it could boost his self-esteem or at least give a feeling of control. It becomes more of a game then, and he is actively involved but I do still wonder if the bf would be willing to participate (without having to go so far as to bring out the dog collar or crocidile clips obviously!).

    D/s is about mindset and the dymnamic not props.

    I'd be more worried that he isn't as okay with things as he'd like to be, and talk of how other people would view it is a way of expressing that, that doesn't mean he has to vocalise his own issues with it.

    It could be that he has never heard of this type of realtionship and is confused by his feeling or lack of certain feelings about it and certain activies.

    There is a lot of sterotyping about being The Man in a relationship keeping your woman and what The Man in a relationship should not stand for.

    Unfortuantly due to the stigma of being in an open relationship very few people who are talk about it so it can be hard to find someone to have converstaions about those feeling and the issues that arise.

    There are online discussion groups and email lists for those that are in or considering being in a nonmonogamus relationship.
    I would suggest that you seek one out and maybe get better advice there for you and your partner.

    A realtionship and intimacy is a lot more then having sex and where you and your bf draw those lines will be for the both of you to decide together.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    Thaedydal wrote:
    D/s is about mindset and the dymnamic not props.

    I realise that (believe me!), I was being flippant about the props but not the idea of a role for a Masterful approach which could be helpful. This may not have been the time or place for flippancy. Apologies Thaed ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    That was partly why i asked were they going around announcing it to all and sundry or if others knew.
    Though on the other hand people do worry about what other people will think when there are actually no other people that know.
    Thaedydal wrote:
    D/s is about mindset and the dymnamic not props.
    The props can be fun though :)
    That said, while I know some people who combine a non-monogamous relationship and D/s in such a manner as I said, they're people who are quite clearly into D/s (and indeed the whole range of BDSM) and are pretty comfortable with the non-monogamy outside of that. Unless he's going to jump at the chance to introduce some D/s in controlling the "outside interests" or perhaps B&D as "punishment" afterwards or I think r3nu4l's suggestion is just going to be suggesting yet another non-mainstream form of sexual expression when he's already upset about the non-monogamy. Not to mention that the OP would have to be into bottoming in that way too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39 trawingtroll


    yes, vermont, I away use codom, thank you for your concern.


    He's now giving me an ultimatum, if I want an open relationship I have to leave him.:(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 475 ✭✭Dutchology


    yes, vermont, I away use codom, thank you for your concern.


    He's now giving me an ultimatum, if I want an open relationship I have to leave him.:(
    Well then, you either decide you love him enough to stay with him, and only him, or you leave him! If you can't stay faithful to him, and that's what he wants, then there's no point. An open relationship is fine if both people are willing to accept that, but obviously he is not open to this anymore, and wants you to himself.

    Decision time. Him, or the others?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,001 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    He's now giving me an ultimatum, if I want an open relationship I have to leave him.:(

    Open relationships are fairly common among gay couples so what's his real beef with all this? Has he vocalised his concerns to you other than simply issuing an ultimatum?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    MojoMaker wrote:
    Open relationships are fairly common among gay couples so what's his real beef with all this? Has he vocalised his concerns to you other than simply issuing an ultimatum?

    It doesn't matter how common they are in any community, if he has a problem with it then that's all there is to it. He's obviously tried to accept this and given the OP time to sleep around but has had enough. OP, decision time for you. I totally agree with Dutchology.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,706 ✭✭✭craichoe


    Arra do whatever you like ... thats what your going to do anyway, go and bag as many people as you want or not. Its up to you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'So what have you decided? I hope you found the advices helpful. Do let us know.'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39 trawingtroll


    I lasted the whole of 3 weeks!!! And so I broke up with him, that last the whole of 2hours. I could be mad at him or hate him or be angry enough to break up with him. I need him too. plus my friends just love him and thinks he's great, well, I don't tell them anything bad about him.

    It's our decision and it will be some time before an answer is found.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭LundiMardi


    I lasted the whole of 3 weeks!!! And so I broke up with him, that last the whole of 2hours. I could be mad at him or hate him or be angry enough to break up with him. I need him too. plus my friends just love him and thinks he's great, well, I don't tell them anything bad about him.

    It's our decision and it will be some time before an answer is found.
    excuse me? What the fúck have you to be angry about? You're the screwing around on a person you supposedly care about.

    Cop the fúck on will ya!!! :mad:


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,807 ✭✭✭chump


    An unapologetic lack of integrity.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    There's nothing wrong with loving a bit of japseye but you need to make up your mind whether or not it's going to be one or all, for the sake of your body and anyone's mind who gets close to you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    LundiMardi banned for a week for personal abuse.

    Trawlingtroll's bf knew what the situation was and chose to stay in it to try and change the relationship and reach a comprimise, Trawlingtroll chose to stay in the relationship as well.

    A relationship is more then just sex and for some people having sex with someone else does not invalidate that relationship.

    We don't know what promises where made between these two people.

    trawingtroll clearly in this situation you can't have it all with that person as your partner, so I wish you well in finding someone who understand your wants and needs and poly/open relationships or in resolving matters so that you can be in a monogmous relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'So you guys have decided to continue the relationship. I wish both of you clear horizons. What are the parameters of the relationship?

    Are you going to stop sleeping around? Or has your boyfriend decided to engage in a polygamous relationship?'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39 trawingtroll


    Well, Mr UnKool, nothing much, really. It's always been ok for me to have sex with others as long as he's in the room; from that point of view we're always been in an open rellationship. I don't mind if he goes and sleeps with randomer, maybe caz I don't think he will. It takes a long time to work out an agreement caz we're just as stubborn as each other.

    But as time goes on, randomers seem less appealing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,382 ✭✭✭Motley Crue


    Sometimes I think this might be the way forward in my own relationship, but im not sure whether or not Id be able to fully embrace it, I mean sometimes I crave for sex (as opposed to a relationship) with another woman because i miss her, and then other times I tell myself im wrong for feeling those things and I should be faithful...yet im not getting any younger and if this is the girl im going to spend the rest of my life with shouldnt i get infidelity out of my system now, it doesnt help that i was a virgin before i met her


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    Well, Mr UnKool, nothing much, really. It's always been ok for me to have sex with others as long as he's in the room; from that point of view we're always been in an open rellationship. I don't mind if he goes and sleeps with randomer, maybe caz I don't think he will. It takes a long time to work out an agreement caz we're just as stubborn as each other.

    But as time goes on, randomers seem less appealing.

    Well the basis of the agreement is already there, as you have made very clear, sex with others is ok with him in the room. So in essence you can get the variety and he is happy with it.
    Is having some randomer on your own, worth ruining a dynamic when you can have a randomer as long as your b/f is present.
    You just have to ask what is so special about picking up a guy on your own that makes it a necessity? Lets face it as well, in doing that on your own, you run potential risks in case you make an error in judgment and end up with someone harmful. With your B/friend there, it is an uncertainty taken away.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 25,848 ✭✭✭✭Zombrex


    Well, Mr UnKool, nothing much, really. It's always been ok for me to have sex with others as long as he's in the room; from that point of view we're always been in an open rellationship. I don't mind if he goes and sleeps with randomer, maybe caz I don't think he will. It takes a long time to work out an agreement caz we're just as stubborn as each other.

    But as time goes on, randomers seem less appealing.

    I would just make a few points -

    You dismissed the STD aspect rather sharply by saying you use a condom. At the end of the day there is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. By sleeping with others while also sleeping with him you are playing the odds game. You do significantly reduce the odds of catching an STD and giving it to him by wearing a condom, but you don't eliminate it. You also place yourself in a higher risk category by sleeping with randomers with one night stands. They also sleep with randomers during one night stands, and so on and so on down the link. So the pool of infected people you risk exposing yourself to is quite large. There is also currently and STD epidemnic in Ireland, with infection rates shooting up. If you are going to continue as you are I would strongly recommend you read up on STDs, get very regular STI tests and discuss fully with your boyfriend the risks involved, how to minimise these risks, discuss tests and how you would both feel if an STD was brought into the relationship. I am sure that you would feel bad if you caught something and passed it on to him. You don't want to be discussing all this after that has happened.

    Secondly I'm not going to give you lecture about the morality of sleeping around. If you are happy with doing that, and you are aware of the risks and aware of how to minimise those risks, then it is your business and your business alone.

    The only point I would make is that at the end of the day you claim to love your boyfriend, so if this is true you need to honestly ask yourself if your boyfriend is happy or unhappy and if you make him happy or unhappy. How we view our partners opinions is often shaped by what we want ourselves. We often ignore or lessen our partners feelings on a matter if it disrupts what we ourselves want and it is all to easy to dismiss our partners real feelings if they are not making them crystal clear, which often they don't because of worry over upsetting us or upsetting the relationship. To do this with your boyfriend (and I'm certainly not saying you are) would do a disservice to the love between the two of you.

    Ignoring the question of if you want to sleep with others or not you need to ask yourself do you believe your boyfriend wants you to do be doing this. Not just will he put up with you doing this, but is he actually happy you are doing this? If you come to the honest conclusion that he isn't, that he is simply putting up with it, then you need to ask yourself is it fair to him to continue the relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 232 ✭✭Angeles


    I lasted the whole of 3 weeks!!! And so I broke up with him, that last the whole of 2hours. I could be mad at him or hate him or be angry enough to break up with him. I need him too. plus my friends just love him and thinks he's great, well, I don't tell them anything bad about him.

    It's our decision and it will be some time before an answer is found.

    I Still don't understand this.
    You lasted as a loyal couple for 3 weeks and needed to break up or get back to open relationship?
    I mean, that says to me, your not exactly "made" for eachother, and to me it seems more like you have him as a "security barrier" to fall back on should another guy not sleep with you. "ya know so you won't feel so bad"
    I can't really comment on your b/f as i don't understand this guys motive to stay with you as long as he has, if he's uncomfortable with you sleeping around.

    I guess you should think about what you want from him, because right now he's nothing more then someone to show off to your mates acording to yourself.
    Look up empathy imo and see if you feel for him atol, and relise this, if you were to consider settling down with him in the future, do you think you'll ever have his trust?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39 trawingtroll


    That's it. It's all over finailly.

    Time to start looking for a new bf!


This discussion has been closed.
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