I want to have a baby but my boyfriend doesn't feel ready

LegacyUser · 03-12-2006 08:51PM #1

Female boardsies, does any of you feel like this?

I really really want to get pregnant and have a baby, and as soon as possible. I'm in my late 20s, and don't think there'll ever be a better time. The boyfriend and I have a house together, are very happy together and are in it for the long term. We are sorted out moneywise and career wise, and have plenty of supportive family around. Both of us are healthy and fit. I'm prepared for the sacrifices and work involved.

To be honest, I can't think of anything but wanting to get pregnant, and it's driving me round the twist. I feel quite down about it, and when I last tried to explain it to my boyfriend, about 2 months ago, he got so freaked out (understandably, I suppose) that I haven't felt it was fair to bring up the issue again. I certainly don't want to pressurise or guiltrip him into anything (and I won't do anything devious!). But I'm going spare!

What can I do? How can I convince him? Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this - after all it's my body and the longer we leave it, the tougher it could be all round.

Nevyn · 03-12-2006 09:42PM

You can not trick or pressurise your partner into being a Dad.
Even if you do 'accidentally" become pregnant that does not mean he will take part in the pregnancy or being a Dad esp if he feels he was not consulted.

What if you choose to have an 'happy accident' and he choses to opt out and leave you ?

You need to sit down and sort out a time table. That way you both know what to expect and you will hopefully stop being so frantic.
This is called family planning.

You are going to have to calm yourself and talk to him about it.

JC 2K3 · 03-12-2006 09:52PM

puzzled wrote:

Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this

No.

It might be your body but it's his sperm, and you can't force him to do anything he wants to do.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2006 10:02PM

Thaedydal wrote:

What if you choose to have an 'happy accident' and he choses to opt out and leave you ?
.

Of course not. I've no intention of doing anything like that. I just wanted to know if other women feel like this, because none of my friends seem to.

tinkerbell · 03-12-2006 10:05PM

You are being completely selfish. You can't make someone have a baby. And no, you do not get an extra vote just because it's "your body", stop being so bloody thoughtless and think of your boyfriend's feelings for a change.

oRlyYaRly · 03-12-2006 10:09PM

Hi everybody!

I really really want to have a baby. I told my girlfriend but she completely freaked out. Is it okay if I rape her condomless?

The Sweeper · 03-12-2006 10:10PM

puzzled wrote:

What can I do? How can I convince him? Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this - after all it's my body and the longer we leave it, the tougher it could be all round.

You're right, the longer you leave it the harder it can be.

Where you're wrong is in thinking you have more of a say in this than he does. You cannot force parenthood on someone who doesn't want it. If you try he'll certainly be a biological father, but there's a huge chance that he won't be a parent.

Saying that, I think you need to bring it up with your boyfriend again, as calmly as possible, and tell him how you feel. Then ask him how he feels - and listen, no interrupting. You have to take his opinions on board. He has a right to be heard in this.

Is this not something you ever discussed before now? What you're experiencing is your body clock biting you in the ass - it happens in your late twenties / early thirties when you're female, and the tick-tock will only get louder from here.

Remember, even when you do decide it's finally time to have a baby, it can take months and months - even years - to conceive. While you can't force your boyfriend to do something he doesn't want to do, you do need to have a bit of a 'what are we waiting for' chat with him. Young people now do things later and later - you can hit 30 these days and still not feel grown up, but just because you mind is still 21 that doesn't mean your body is.

Nevyn · 03-12-2006 11:22PM

oRlyYaRly, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Boston · 03-12-2006 11:30PM

The whole extra vote bit has been covered, so i'll leave it. This is depressing you, if you're seriously thinking about becoming a mommy you should talk to your Boyfriend about it, you can't let things like this go unsaid. It's very possible he's not i nthe same place mentally, that you are and actually needs to have a solid think about this.

Aoife-FM104 · 03-12-2006 11:35PM

Puzzled: What will you do if he says he doesn't want a baby at all?

Crucifix · 03-12-2006 11:42PM

puzzled wrote:

Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this

Really really really not. I hope you weren't serious about that.

CathyMoran · 03-12-2006 11:50PM

You need to talk to your boyfriend and if he does not want a baby then you have to consider if you have a future together.

embee · 04-12-2006 12:16AM

Hi OP,

Becoming a parent is a life-changing thing, as I'm sure any parent on these boards will tell you. Its a lot of hard work, there are no breaks from it, and you really MUST have the support of your partner to make it work. A child deserves to be brought into the world with parents who want them, will love and nurture them, and will be a whole world more than just a sperm donor and an incubator.

My first child was unplanned, but when I found out I was pregnant, it was okay. Myself and my partner had always said that we wanted to have kids at some stage in the future. It just happened earlier than we anticipated. Is it that your boyfriend doesn't feel ready yet, or does he not want kids at all? If it is that he isn't ready, then trying to convince him may work to a certain degree (but you may find you are doing a lot of convincing, regularly, for quite a long time). If however he doesn't want kids at all, you will need to sit down and think seriously about your future together. I know that personally, I could not settle down with someone who didn't want children with me. Children have always been in my future, since I was younger, and I would never, ever resign myself to being childless just to stay with someone. Loads of couples break up every day over that old chestnut "we want different things" - its a valid reason to break up.

I do sympathise with you over your desire to have a baby... even before I got pregnant, I was aware of the biological clock starting to make its presence felt, and I was only about 23 at the time.

Good luck... I hope that you get the result you want.

04-12-2006 01:36AM

Patience. Make sure he buys into having a child before coming off protection.

Lust4Life · 04-12-2006 01:49AM

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

the_syco · 04-12-2006 01:54AM

puzzled wrote:

We are sorted out moneywise

Maybe, but him paying you child-support for the next 18 years may not be what you've planned, so talk to him first.

dRNk SAnTA · 04-12-2006 02:59AM

Lust4Life wrote:

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

Yeh, I agree with this. Suprised it hasn't been mentioned. Surely 'the right time' is when you find someone who wants to be a father, and not simply as soon as your maternal instincts get going.... Do you want a family or do you just 'want' to be pregnant?

slipss · 04-12-2006 03:36AM

Lust4Life wrote:

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

Yeah thats about the best bit of advice so far. You seem to be skipping a step there. I know speaking as a man I would be very freaked out if I thought my girlfriend was already thinking about having a baby before she was thinking about getting married. Nearly all of my friends would think the same way. My albeit worhtless advice would be forget about convincing him to have a baby and maybe start very very subtely bringing up the idea of marriage. Most men would think of marriage as the lead up to parenthood, barely any would view it the other way around.

And about having an extra vote ect, give it a rest, If your boyfriend heard you say that you can be sure he'd be on the other side of the world right now, or at least he'd be wearing three condoms at a time and slipping birth control into your corn flakes.

tensecyclist · 04-12-2006 06:02AM

Lust4Life wrote:

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

i've had friends who did it the old-fashioned way. waited for years until they think they were ready financially, emotionally etc. unfortunately, 2 months after the marriage both parties claim they hate each other and was both willing to go for an annulment.

DublinEvents · 04-12-2006 06:25AM

I should mention that the OP's chances of breast cancer will double after the age of 30, ESPECIALLY if she's not been pregnant at least ONCE. OP, this established medical fact alone means you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend.

Ickle Magoo · 04-12-2006 06:56AM

OP,

No you never get an extra vote & just because it's your body doesn't give you the right to try & force the issue or trick your bf into anything. I have two kids & being a parent is bloody hard, exhausting in fact...it's not fair to foist fatherhood onto a man who has stated categorically that he's not ready. I'd discuss with him what his plans for the future are tho. Are they to tie the knot & settle down & have babies in the next 5yrs or so, or has he no intentions of ever becoming a father, in which case you need to decide what you want more, your BF or children...best of luck

murrayeel · 04-12-2006 07:02AM

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

No you never get an extra vote & just because it's your body doesn't give you the right to try & force the issue or trick your bf into anything. I have two kids & being a parent is bloody hard, exhausting in fact...it's not fair to foist fatherhood onto a man who has stated categorically that he's not ready. I'd discuss with him what his plans for the future are tho. Are they to tie the knot & settle down & have babies in the next 5yrs or so, or has he no intentions of ever becoming a father, in which case you need to decide what you want more, your BF or children...best of luck

agreed. can't force anyone into responsibilities he's not ready with. unless you'd want 'ready' ones to father it.:cool:

greenkittie · 04-12-2006 12:23PM

Think you're all being rather harsh jumping on this girl telling her "you cant force him!" and "dont trick him!" whenever she already said she dosnt want to do either of those things.

hunnymonster · 04-12-2006 12:34PM

Lust4Life wrote:

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

no it won't..... I'm not for one second suggesting, this in anyway gives the OP the bigger say in this but women have a limited number of years in which to have children. I'm 35 and getting used to the idea that I'll probably never have children. I has been my choice to live my life like this but it's still slightly worrying that if I change my mind in 10 (or even if I did it now) years time it will be too late.

OP, I would try to talk to him again. Don't confront him with the "I want a baby and I want it now" line but start off by getting his long term plans. Maybe he has thought about it in more detail in the last two months.

fifly · 04-12-2006 02:15PM

If you pressure him into becoming a father before he is ready he could resent you for it which cant be good for your relationship. How would you have felt if it was him pressuring you to have a baby years ago before you were ready? I think marriage is the next logical step. Are for your body clock and breast cancer... I think you should only conceive when both people want a child. Rushing it for health reasons (that might never be an issue) is just looking to build you arguement to get your own way. I know plenty of women who have had children well into there late 30s and early 40s. I also know plenty of women who have had no children or children late in life and didn't get breast cancer.

You and your boyfriend need a long talk and come to a comprimise thats you are both comfortable with.

Sleepy · 04-12-2006 04:05PM

fifly wrote:

If you pressure him into becoming a father before he is ready he could resent you for it which cant be good for your relationship. How would you have felt if it was him pressuring you to have a baby years ago before you were ready? I think marriage is the next logical step. Are for your body clock and breast cancer... I think you should only conceive when both people want a child. Rushing it for health reasons (that might never be an issue) is just looking to build you arguement to get your own way. I know plenty of women who have had children well into there late 30s and early 40s. I also know plenty of women who have had no children or children late in life and didn't get breast cancer.

You and your boyfriend need a long talk and come to a comprimise thats you are both comfortable with.

While I agree with most of this, I'd scratch the last sentence. Having a child should never be a matter of compromise, you should have a child when you're both ready and not a month before imho.

LundiMardi · 04-12-2006 08:00PM

Surely this conversation came up before moving in together? Especially at your age... Have you ever discussed children before? As in do you know if he actually wants children?

As for the people saying that maybe they should talk about marriage first, what??? Really, what has that to do with anything? Just because someone wants kids doesn't really mean they want marriage too, it's pretty rediculous suggesting getting married first before talking about children.

Lust4Life · 04-12-2006 09:45PM

Posted by LundiMardi:
it's pretty rediculous suggesting getting married first before talking about children.

Really? Making a total commitment to each other before bringing another person into the equation is rediculous?

You're okay with having people wonder every time you fill out a form.... say, for Child Care Facilities, School enrollment, Sports, The Doctor's Office, The Optomitrist, the Dentist, the parents of your child's friends ....

There's a lot more to it than just giving birth and bringing home that bundle of joy! That Bundle of Joy is going to have its own thoughts and opinions on the whole matter one day (Oh, and believe me, you WILL hear them!).

Posted by hunnymonster :

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lust4Life
Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

no it won't.....

Not true. The OP is in her late 20's. You can still give birth to healthy children in your early 40's. I work at a hospital and see it every day.

Posted by DublinEvents
I should mention that the OP's chances of breast cancer will double after the age of 30, ESPECIALLY if she's not been pregnant at least ONCE. OP, this established medical fact alone means you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend.

Oh yeah. Now that's a great reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.
Just because you give birth does not mean you won't get breast cancer. I know 3 Mothers personally who have had it. So that is NOT a valid reason to become a mother.

LundiMardi · 04-12-2006 09:57PM

Lust4Life wrote:

Really? Making a total commitment to each other before bringing another person into the equation is rediculous?

I don't see what one has to do with the other, a marriage certificate doesn't prove one's commitment to another, a decision to buy a house together does though, imo of course.

I just don't see how suggesting marriage is going to help with the op's problem, what will change after marriage?

Anyhoo, it's besides the point and not really on topic.

Nevyn · 04-12-2006 10:04PM

LundiMardi wrote:

I just don't see how suggesting marriage is going to help with the op's problem, what will change after marriage?

If a man is not married to the mother of his child he has no parental rights what so ever.

The inhertance rights and tax in reguards to the house they have bought as well change.

Unless you are married your parents are your next of kin.

There are a lot of reasons why legal civil marriage is a good idea if you are going to bring a child into the world.

simu · 04-12-2006 10:10PM

Lust4Life wrote:

You're okay with having people wonder every time you fill out a form.... say, for Child Care Facilities, School enrollment, Sports, The Doctor's Office, The Optomitrist, the Dentist, the parents of your child's friends ....

Wonder what?

OP, you have to find out if your bf is interested in having kids and when. If it's never, time to find a new partner or accept childlessness.

I want to have a baby but my boyfriend doesn't feel ready

Comments