I want to have a baby but my boyfriend doesn't feel ready

LundiMardi

Thaedydal wrote:

If a man is not married to the mother of his child he has no parental rights what so ever.

The inhertance rights and tax in reguards to the house they have bought as well change.

Unless you are married your parents are your next of kin.

There are a lot of reasons why legal civil marriage is a good idea if you are going to bring a child into the world.

These are all good points, and probably the only reasons i would ever get married, but somehow i don't think the people suggesting it in this thread were doing so for these reasons:)

fifly

LundiMardi, I totelly agree with Thaedydal points about all the legal stuff. Marriage is also a committment and promise to someone. Obviously not everyone takes this committment seriously but alot of people still do. I certainly wouldn't go through pregancy and child birth if the guy in question didn't want to get married.

Marriage also give children stability.

Nevyn

A good home with loving parents give children stability.

Op you either come to an agreement with your bf to you future together and the possiblity and time frame for having a family or if you can't come to an agreement and you can not face a life with out children you have to consider
coudselling or spliting up with you current bf and start again.

jonny68

Nothing worse than a bird desperate to have a kid and forcing the man when he doesn't want to,stating the obvious here but this is how relationships end,why the desperation you've years ahead of you yet FFS.

LegacyUser

puzzled wrote:

Female boardsies, does any of you feel like this?

I really really want to get pregnant and have a baby, and as soon as possible. I'm in my late 20s, and don't think there'll ever be a better time. The boyfriend and I have a house together, are very happy together and are in it for the long term. We are sorted out moneywise and career wise, and have plenty of supportive family around. Both of us are healthy and fit. I'm prepared for the sacrifices and work involved.

You went and got a house, moved in, decided you were at this for the long term and never asked how he felt about having a kid?

puzzled wrote:

To be honest, I can't think of anything but wanting to get pregnant, and it's driving me round the twist.

There is the problem right there. You are in your late twenties, you have at the very least five safe years before you should start to worry, if you start demanding something that could wait a little longer you might drive your other half mental. Talk to him, he has probably just got round to enjoying the fact that he can relax now he has it all together, and then this bombshell hits him.
It may come as second nature to you, but its a biggie to most blokes.

puzzled wrote:

What can I do? How can I convince him? Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this - after all it's my body and the longer we leave it, the tougher it could be all round.

woah there!
Thats just crazy talk. I'm female, but if my other half thought like this I would run for the hills. It's a huge commitment, more than marriage IMO, more than a house. Relax for Gods sake and talk to the bloke like a non hormonal lunatic.

embee

Lust4Life wrote:

Really? Making a total commitment to each other before bringing another person into the equation is rediculous?.

I have a 9 month old daughter. Myself and her Dad are not married, and we don't need to be. We can be just as committed as a married couple are, particularly when it comes to the welfare of our child. It is "ridiculous" to think, that in this day and age, that marriage before you have kids is seen as some sort of necessity.

Lust4Life wrote:

You're okay with having people wonder every time you fill out a form.... say, for Child Care Facilities, School enrollment, Sports, The Doctor's Office, The Optomitrist, the Dentist, the parents of your child's friends ....

I see the doctor relatively frequently for my babys check ups etc. I don't sit there worrying what he must think of me, an unmarried mother. Schools these days are well used to enroling children whose parents aren't married. My daughter got her own passport earlier in the year, and, whilst there were a few extra things to do because myself and her Dad aren't married, I never once thought "Hmmm, what COULD the Passport Office be thinking about me?!" Dude, are you living in the past or what? There is no social stigma anymore when it comes to being an unmarried parent.

Lust4Life wrote:

The OP is in her late 20's. You can still give birth to healthy children in your early 40's. I work at a hospital and see it every day.

Okay, so you see women in their 40's labouring and giving birth. On an average day, what actual percentage of the women who deliver babies are over 40? What you probably don't see every day is that, in fertility clinics around this country (and indeed, throughout the world), the VAST majority of women attending are in their late 30's upwards. Your fertility is at its peak in your 20's, and starts to decline fairly rapidly once you hit 35+. Women have a finite number of eggs. Men can father children into their 70's, so I can absolutely understand the OP's sense of urgency regarding this issue.

Lust4Life wrote:

Oh yeah. Now that's a great reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.
Just because you give birth does not mean you won't get breast cancer. I know 3 Mothers personally who have had it. So that is NOTa valid reason to become a mother.

It would never be an unwanted child. She would want it and love it. Sure, its not ideal if her partner didn't want to be involved, but the love of one parent is better than none at all.

iguana

embee wrote:

We can be just as committed as a married couple are, particularly when it comes to the welfare of our child. It is "ridiculous" to think, that in this day and age, that marriage before you have kids is seen as some sort of necessity.

I'm sorry but Ireland with the law as it stands it is kind of a necessity. Your partner has NO rights over your child, none. If you died your parents would become your childs guardian, not your partner despite the fact that his name may be on the birth certificate. In any medical situation he has no say about your childs medication. If you split up he would have NO automatic right to access.

Now hopefully none of these thing will ever be an issue. You and your partner will stay together and live long, healthy lives. But that is unfortunately not guaraunteed, and allowing a situation that leaves your family in legal limbo is as irresponsible as not having a clear will.

I'm not saying that the law is fair. Unmarried fathers who are involved in their child's life should have the same rights as married fathers who are involved in their child's, but they don't. The law is antiquated and atavistic, but it is the law, and until that changes couples with children need to seriously consider being married.

To the OP, yes most women go through phases like this once we hit a certain age. I've had periods where I have absolutely craved a baby for months on end since I was 24/25. When I first started having these feelings I wasn't in a position to have a child, my partner and I lived in a pretty crap rented apartment and he was at too delicate a point in his career where he works freelance a lot.

Fairly early on in our relationship we discussed children, we both knew that with the way he works and with my reluctance to work when we have kids that having children would have to wait until we were set up better. Now we're married and own a house which is big enough to raise a family in, but our mortgage is still too high for me to quit work so the plan is to pay off a chunk of it now so we have less owing in a few years. I still get occasional cravings but having a plan helps. I know that waiting a few years is OUR plan, while sometimes I wish we weren't waiting I know why we are.

Plus that we got puppies recently and they have actually quelled most of my broodiness, while igniting it in my husband.

LegacyUser

'why are people debating fertility in this thread?
We can only reiterate general stats because fertility is an individual + 1 issue.

The OP can talk about fertility to her doctor in which case he would possibly reiterate the stats we've talked about here.
Unless there is of course a medical reason we aren't aware of, the real issue here is the OP's immediate want to have said child.

Marriage, the reason for etc.. means different things to different people, only the OP plus significant other can discuss these things rationally.

I would suggest a visit to GP for reasurance about your fertility, a good GP will also talk to you about the issue you have with your bf.

Then re-visit the situation calmly with him, not us.'

embee

iguana wrote:

I'm sorry but Ireland with the law as it stands it is kind of a necessity. Your partner has NO rights over your child, none. If you died your parents would become your childs guardian, not your partner despite the fact that his name may be on the birth certificate. In any medical situation he has no say about your childs medication. If you split up he would have NO automatic right to access.

Now hopefully none of these thing will ever be an issue. You and your partner will stay together and live long, healthy lives. But that is unfortunately not guaraunteed, and allowing a situation that leaves your family in legal limbo is as irresponsible as not having a clear will.

I'm not saying that the law is fair. Unmarried fathers who are involved in their child's life should have the same rights as married fathers who are involved in their child's, but the don't. The law is antiquated and atavistic, but it is the law, and until that changes couples with children need to seriously consider being married.

Fair point, if unmarried parents are willing to accept this as the status quo and do nothing about it. It is, however, possible to get a legally binding Statutory Declaration, signed by both parents. This will give both parents joint guardianship of the child and a father will have rights in terms of custody, the childs healthcare, education etc.

This declaration states the names of the parents of the child, that they are unmarried and that they agree that the father should be appointed as a joint-guardian. The declaration also states that the parents have agreed arrangements regarding custody of and access to the child. If there is more than one child, a separate statutory declaration should be made for each.......... In situations where the father has been appointed joint guardian of a child, then his consent is required for certain things relating to the child's general welfare and other items.

from here - http://oasis.gov.ie/relationships/civil_relationships/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples.html

dame

OP,

Maybe if you brought the subject up again in a non-threatening way he might be more prepared to discuss it now? He's had two months to mull it over for himself and get used to the idea.

Perhaps your boyfriend is still settling into the living together commitment part and doesn't want to upset the applecart when things seem perfect?

Perhaps your boyfriend is actually quite old-fashioned and would prefer to be married before becoming parents? Maybe it's just that he feels rushed and wants to enjoy being a young married couple for a while first?

I know you're getting extremely anxious about the whole body clock issue and it's not what you want to hear but you do have a good few long years left yet.

My advice; talk to him again and get a kitten or a puppy for now. I know it's far from a baby but having a little pet to lavish some affection on may dissipate a bit of the edge for you and allow your mothering instincts some opportunity to grow. If you seem more relaxed your boyfriend will be more relaxed and better able to consider how he feels without feeling any pressure.

Dutchology

Dear OP,

I understand where you're coming from. I've been extremely broody since I was 15 or 16, years old. I still think quite often about having children, and although I have met the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life, I know having children is off the agenda.

Both "halves" in the relationship need to be settled and ready to have children, and pressurising or pleading will not help. It is not just the financial aspect that needs to be considered, but also emotional readiness. If you believe that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man, and he feels the same, then I am very happy for you, I know what a great feeling that is. When you are both ready to have children, then that is the time.

By all means discuss this with your man, as it is important to always be open and honest with eachother, however do not be tempted to pressurise or put him on a guilt trip regarding the issue as this will only prove to be a hinderance.

Take care...

LegacyUser

Dutchology wrote:

I understand where you're coming from. I've been extremely broody since I was 15 or 16, years old. I still think quite often about having children, and although I have met the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life, I know having children is off the agenda.
Take care...

Thanks. I was looking for reassurance that I'm not mad when I posted, and your, embee's and a few other responses have made me feel that my emotions are relatively normal.

In my defence, I should say that I'm not trying to force my boyfriend's hand, and I've no intention of doing anything sneaky. Also, we both agree that we do want to have children, and we've talked about issues like how we would provide for them and how we feel that children need to be looked after.

The question is when: as a woman, I feel a sense of urgency; as a man, he doesn't.

I'm not saying this gives me rights ('extra vote' was a poor choice of words), but I just feel a certain imbalance there.

[As regards marriage, it isn't something I feel is necessary for raising happy children. I never shared my mother's surname and it created absolutely no difficulty. However I do take the points about the father's legal rights, and that could be a deciding factor.]