I want to have a baby but my boyfriend doesn't feel ready

LegacyUser

Female boardsies, does any of you feel like this?

I really really want to get pregnant and have a baby, and as soon as possible. I'm in my late 20s, and don't think there'll ever be a better time. The boyfriend and I have a house together, are very happy together and are in it for the long term. We are sorted out moneywise and career wise, and have plenty of supportive family around. Both of us are healthy and fit. I'm prepared for the sacrifices and work involved.

To be honest, I can't think of anything but wanting to get pregnant, and it's driving me round the twist. I feel quite down about it, and when I last tried to explain it to my boyfriend, about 2 months ago, he got so freaked out (understandably, I suppose) that I haven't felt it was fair to bring up the issue again. I certainly don't want to pressurise or guiltrip him into anything (and I won't do anything devious!). But I'm going spare!

What can I do? How can I convince him? Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this - after all it's my body and the longer we leave it, the tougher it could be all round.

Nevyn

You can not trick or pressurise your partner into being a Dad.
Even if you do 'accidentally" become pregnant that does not mean he will take part in the pregnancy or being a Dad esp if he feels he was not consulted.

What if you choose to have an 'happy accident' and he choses to opt out and leave you ?

You need to sit down and sort out a time table. That way you both know what to expect and you will hopefully stop being so frantic.
This is called family planning.

You are going to have to calm yourself and talk to him about it.

JC 2K3

puzzled wrote:

Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this

No.

It might be your body but it's his sperm, and you can't force him to do anything he wants to do.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

What if you choose to have an 'happy accident' and he choses to opt out and leave you ?
.

Of course not. I've no intention of doing anything like that. I just wanted to know if other women feel like this, because none of my friends seem to.

tinkerbell

You are being completely selfish. You can't make someone have a baby. And no, you do not get an extra vote just because it's "your body", stop being so bloody thoughtless and think of your boyfriend's feelings for a change.

oRlyYaRly

Hi everybody!

I really really want to have a baby. I told my girlfriend but she completely freaked out. Is it okay if I rape her condomless?

The Sweeper

puzzled wrote:

What can I do? How can I convince him? Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this - after all it's my body and the longer we leave it, the tougher it could be all round.

You're right, the longer you leave it the harder it can be.

Where you're wrong is in thinking you have more of a say in this than he does. You cannot force parenthood on someone who doesn't want it. If you try he'll certainly be a biological father, but there's a huge chance that he won't be a parent.

Saying that, I think you need to bring it up with your boyfriend again, as calmly as possible, and tell him how you feel. Then ask him how he feels - and listen, no interrupting. You have to take his opinions on board. He has a right to be heard in this.

Is this not something you ever discussed before now? What you're experiencing is your body clock biting you in the ass - it happens in your late twenties / early thirties when you're female, and the tick-tock will only get louder from here.

Remember, even when you do decide it's finally time to have a baby, it can take months and months - even years - to conceive. While you can't force your boyfriend to do something he doesn't want to do, you do need to have a bit of a 'what are we waiting for' chat with him. Young people now do things later and later - you can hit 30 these days and still not feel grown up, but just because you mind is still 21 that doesn't mean your body is.

Nevyn

oRlyYaRly, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Boston

The whole extra vote bit has been covered, so i'll leave it. This is depressing you, if you're seriously thinking about becoming a mommy you should talk to your Boyfriend about it, you can't let things like this go unsaid. It's very possible he's not i nthe same place mentally, that you are and actually needs to have a solid think about this.

Aoife-FM104

Puzzled: What will you do if he says he doesn't want a baby at all?

Crucifix

puzzled wrote:

Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this

Really really really not. I hope you weren't serious about that.

CathyMoran

You need to talk to your boyfriend and if he does not want a baby then you have to consider if you have a future together.

embee

Hi OP,

Becoming a parent is a life-changing thing, as I'm sure any parent on these boards will tell you. Its a lot of hard work, there are no breaks from it, and you really MUST have the support of your partner to make it work. A child deserves to be brought into the world with parents who want them, will love and nurture them, and will be a whole world more than just a sperm donor and an incubator.

My first child was unplanned, but when I found out I was pregnant, it was okay. Myself and my partner had always said that we wanted to have kids at some stage in the future. It just happened earlier than we anticipated. Is it that your boyfriend doesn't feel ready yet, or does he not want kids at all? If it is that he isn't ready, then trying to convince him may work to a certain degree (but you may find you are doing a lot of convincing, regularly, for quite a long time). If however he doesn't want kids at all, you will need to sit down and think seriously about your future together. I know that personally, I could not settle down with someone who didn't want children with me. Children have always been in my future, since I was younger, and I would never, ever resign myself to being childless just to stay with someone. Loads of couples break up every day over that old chestnut "we want different things" - its a valid reason to break up.

I do sympathise with you over your desire to have a baby... even before I got pregnant, I was aware of the biological clock starting to make its presence felt, and I was only about 23 at the time.

Good luck... I hope that you get the result you want.

Black Swan

Patience. Make sure he buys into having a child before coming off protection.

Lust4Life

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

the_syco

puzzled wrote:

We are sorted out moneywise

Maybe, but him paying you child-support for the next 18 years may not be what you've planned, so talk to him first.

dRNk SAnTA

Lust4Life wrote:

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

Yeh, I agree with this. Suprised it hasn't been mentioned. Surely 'the right time' is when you find someone who wants to be a father, and not simply as soon as your maternal instincts get going.... Do you want a family or do you just 'want' to be pregnant?

slipss

Lust4Life wrote:

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

Yeah thats about the best bit of advice so far. You seem to be skipping a step there. I know speaking as a man I would be very freaked out if I thought my girlfriend was already thinking about having a baby before she was thinking about getting married. Nearly all of my friends would think the same way. My albeit worhtless advice would be forget about convincing him to have a baby and maybe start very very subtely bringing up the idea of marriage. Most men would think of marriage as the lead up to parenthood, barely any would view it the other way around.

And about having an extra vote ect, give it a rest, If your boyfriend heard you say that you can be sure he'd be on the other side of the world right now, or at least he'd be wearing three condoms at a time and slipping birth control into your corn flakes.

tensecyclist

Lust4Life wrote:

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with getting married first and doing things in proper order? You'll be happier in the long run and have no explainations or side-stepping when the child gets older.

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

i've had friends who did it the old-fashioned way. waited for years until they think they were ready financially, emotionally etc. unfortunately, 2 months after the marriage both parties claim they hate each other and was both willing to go for an annulment.

DublinEvents

I should mention that the OP's chances of breast cancer will double after the age of 30, ESPECIALLY if she's not been pregnant at least ONCE. OP, this established medical fact alone means you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

No you never get an extra vote & just because it's your body doesn't give you the right to try & force the issue or trick your bf into anything. I have two kids & being a parent is bloody hard, exhausting in fact...it's not fair to foist fatherhood onto a man who has stated categorically that he's not ready. I'd discuss with him what his plans for the future are tho. Are they to tie the knot & settle down & have babies in the next 5yrs or so, or has he no intentions of ever becoming a father, in which case you need to decide what you want more, your BF or children...best of luck

murrayeel

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

No you never get an extra vote & just because it's your body doesn't give you the right to try & force the issue or trick your bf into anything. I have two kids & being a parent is bloody hard, exhausting in fact...it's not fair to foist fatherhood onto a man who has stated categorically that he's not ready. I'd discuss with him what his plans for the future are tho. Are they to tie the knot & settle down & have babies in the next 5yrs or so, or has he no intentions of ever becoming a father, in which case you need to decide what you want more, your BF or children...best of luck

agreed. can't force anyone into responsibilities he's not ready with. unless you'd want 'ready' ones to father it.:cool:

greenkittie

Think you're all being rather harsh jumping on this girl telling her "you cant force him!" and "dont trick him!" whenever she already said she dosnt want to do either of those things.

hunnymonster

Lust4Life wrote:

Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

no it won't..... I'm not for one second suggesting, this in anyway gives the OP the bigger say in this but women have a limited number of years in which to have children. I'm 35 and getting used to the idea that I'll probably never have children. I has been my choice to live my life like this but it's still slightly worrying that if I change my mind in 10 (or even if I did it now) years time it will be too late.



OP, I would try to talk to him again. Don't confront him with the "I want a baby and I want it now" line but start off by getting his long term plans. Maybe he has thought about it in more detail in the last two months.

fifly

If you pressure him into becoming a father before he is ready he could resent you for it which cant be good for your relationship. How would you have felt if it was him pressuring you to have a baby years ago before you were ready? I think marriage is the next logical step. Are for your body clock and breast cancer... I think you should only conceive when both people want a child. Rushing it for health reasons (that might never be an issue) is just looking to build you arguement to get your own way. I know plenty of women who have had children well into there late 30s and early 40s. I also know plenty of women who have had no children or children late in life and didn't get breast cancer.

You and your boyfriend need a long talk and come to a comprimise thats you are both comfortable with.

Sleepy

fifly wrote:

If you pressure him into becoming a father before he is ready he could resent you for it which cant be good for your relationship. How would you have felt if it was him pressuring you to have a baby years ago before you were ready? I think marriage is the next logical step. Are for your body clock and breast cancer... I think you should only conceive when both people want a child. Rushing it for health reasons (that might never be an issue) is just looking to build you arguement to get your own way. I know plenty of women who have had children well into there late 30s and early 40s. I also know plenty of women who have had no children or children late in life and didn't get breast cancer.

You and your boyfriend need a long talk and come to a comprimise thats you are both comfortable with.

While I agree with most of this, I'd scratch the last sentence. Having a child should never be a matter of compromise, you should have a child when you're both ready and not a month before imho.

LundiMardi

Surely this conversation came up before moving in together? Especially at your age... Have you ever discussed children before? As in do you know if he actually wants children?

As for the people saying that maybe they should talk about marriage first, what??? Really, what has that to do with anything? Just because someone wants kids doesn't really mean they want marriage too, it's pretty rediculous suggesting getting married first before talking about children.

Lust4Life

Posted by LundiMardi:
it's pretty rediculous suggesting getting married first before talking about children.

Really? Making a total commitment to each other before bringing another person into the equation is rediculous?

You're okay with having people wonder every time you fill out a form.... say, for Child Care Facilities, School enrollment, Sports, The Doctor's Office, The Optomitrist, the Dentist, the parents of your child's friends ....

There's a lot more to it than just giving birth and bringing home that bundle of joy! That Bundle of Joy is going to have its own thoughts and opinions on the whole matter one day (Oh, and believe me, you WILL hear them!).

Posted by hunnymonster :

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lust4Life
Your clock will wait until you are both really ready.

no it won't.....

Not true. The OP is in her late 20's. You can still give birth to healthy children in your early 40's. I work at a hospital and see it every day.

Posted by DublinEvents
I should mention that the OP's chances of breast cancer will double after the age of 30, ESPECIALLY if she's not been pregnant at least ONCE. OP, this established medical fact alone means you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend.

Oh yeah. Now that's a great reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.
Just because you give birth does not mean you won't get breast cancer. I know 3 Mothers personally who have had it. So that is NOT a valid reason to become a mother.

LundiMardi

Lust4Life wrote:

Really? Making a total commitment to each other before bringing another person into the equation is rediculous?

I don't see what one has to do with the other, a marriage certificate doesn't prove one's commitment to another, a decision to buy a house together does though, imo of course.

I just don't see how suggesting marriage is going to help with the op's problem, what will change after marriage?

Anyhoo, it's besides the point and not really on topic.

Nevyn

LundiMardi wrote:

I just don't see how suggesting marriage is going to help with the op's problem, what will change after marriage?

If a man is not married to the mother of his child he has no parental rights what so ever.

The inhertance rights and tax in reguards to the house they have bought as well change.

Unless you are married your parents are your next of kin.

There are a lot of reasons why legal civil marriage is a good idea if you are going to bring a child into the world.

simu

Lust4Life wrote:

You're okay with having people wonder every time you fill out a form.... say, for Child Care Facilities, School enrollment, Sports, The Doctor's Office, The Optomitrist, the Dentist, the parents of your child's friends ....

Wonder what?

OP, you have to find out if your bf is interested in having kids and when. If it's never, time to find a new partner or accept childlessness.

LundiMardi

Thaedydal wrote:

If a man is not married to the mother of his child he has no parental rights what so ever.

The inhertance rights and tax in reguards to the house they have bought as well change.

Unless you are married your parents are your next of kin.

There are a lot of reasons why legal civil marriage is a good idea if you are going to bring a child into the world.

These are all good points, and probably the only reasons i would ever get married, but somehow i don't think the people suggesting it in this thread were doing so for these reasons:)

fifly

LundiMardi, I totelly agree with Thaedydal points about all the legal stuff. Marriage is also a committment and promise to someone. Obviously not everyone takes this committment seriously but alot of people still do. I certainly wouldn't go through pregancy and child birth if the guy in question didn't want to get married.

Marriage also give children stability.

Nevyn

A good home with loving parents give children stability.

Op you either come to an agreement with your bf to you future together and the possiblity and time frame for having a family or if you can't come to an agreement and you can not face a life with out children you have to consider
coudselling or spliting up with you current bf and start again.

jonny68

Nothing worse than a bird desperate to have a kid and forcing the man when he doesn't want to,stating the obvious here but this is how relationships end,why the desperation you've years ahead of you yet FFS.

LegacyUser

puzzled wrote:

Female boardsies, does any of you feel like this?

I really really want to get pregnant and have a baby, and as soon as possible. I'm in my late 20s, and don't think there'll ever be a better time. The boyfriend and I have a house together, are very happy together and are in it for the long term. We are sorted out moneywise and career wise, and have plenty of supportive family around. Both of us are healthy and fit. I'm prepared for the sacrifices and work involved.

You went and got a house, moved in, decided you were at this for the long term and never asked how he felt about having a kid?

puzzled wrote:

To be honest, I can't think of anything but wanting to get pregnant, and it's driving me round the twist.

There is the problem right there. You are in your late twenties, you have at the very least five safe years before you should start to worry, if you start demanding something that could wait a little longer you might drive your other half mental. Talk to him, he has probably just got round to enjoying the fact that he can relax now he has it all together, and then this bombshell hits him.
It may come as second nature to you, but its a biggie to most blokes.

puzzled wrote:

What can I do? How can I convince him? Shouldn't I get an extra vote in this - after all it's my body and the longer we leave it, the tougher it could be all round.

woah there!
Thats just crazy talk. I'm female, but if my other half thought like this I would run for the hills. It's a huge commitment, more than marriage IMO, more than a house. Relax for Gods sake and talk to the bloke like a non hormonal lunatic.

embee

Lust4Life wrote:

Really? Making a total commitment to each other before bringing another person into the equation is rediculous?.

I have a 9 month old daughter. Myself and her Dad are not married, and we don't need to be. We can be just as committed as a married couple are, particularly when it comes to the welfare of our child. It is "ridiculous" to think, that in this day and age, that marriage before you have kids is seen as some sort of necessity.

Lust4Life wrote:

You're okay with having people wonder every time you fill out a form.... say, for Child Care Facilities, School enrollment, Sports, The Doctor's Office, The Optomitrist, the Dentist, the parents of your child's friends ....

I see the doctor relatively frequently for my babys check ups etc. I don't sit there worrying what he must think of me, an unmarried mother. Schools these days are well used to enroling children whose parents aren't married. My daughter got her own passport earlier in the year, and, whilst there were a few extra things to do because myself and her Dad aren't married, I never once thought "Hmmm, what COULD the Passport Office be thinking about me?!" Dude, are you living in the past or what? There is no social stigma anymore when it comes to being an unmarried parent.

Lust4Life wrote:

The OP is in her late 20's. You can still give birth to healthy children in your early 40's. I work at a hospital and see it every day.

Okay, so you see women in their 40's labouring and giving birth. On an average day, what actual percentage of the women who deliver babies are over 40? What you probably don't see every day is that, in fertility clinics around this country (and indeed, throughout the world), the VAST majority of women attending are in their late 30's upwards. Your fertility is at its peak in your 20's, and starts to decline fairly rapidly once you hit 35+. Women have a finite number of eggs. Men can father children into their 70's, so I can absolutely understand the OP's sense of urgency regarding this issue.

Lust4Life wrote:

Oh yeah. Now that's a great reason to bring an unwanted child into the world.
Just because you give birth does not mean you won't get breast cancer. I know 3 Mothers personally who have had it. So that is NOTa valid reason to become a mother.

It would never be an unwanted child. She would want it and love it. Sure, its not ideal if her partner didn't want to be involved, but the love of one parent is better than none at all.

iguana

embee wrote:

We can be just as committed as a married couple are, particularly when it comes to the welfare of our child. It is "ridiculous" to think, that in this day and age, that marriage before you have kids is seen as some sort of necessity.

I'm sorry but Ireland with the law as it stands it is kind of a necessity. Your partner has NO rights over your child, none. If you died your parents would become your childs guardian, not your partner despite the fact that his name may be on the birth certificate. In any medical situation he has no say about your childs medication. If you split up he would have NO automatic right to access.

Now hopefully none of these thing will ever be an issue. You and your partner will stay together and live long, healthy lives. But that is unfortunately not guaraunteed, and allowing a situation that leaves your family in legal limbo is as irresponsible as not having a clear will.

I'm not saying that the law is fair. Unmarried fathers who are involved in their child's life should have the same rights as married fathers who are involved in their child's, but they don't. The law is antiquated and atavistic, but it is the law, and until that changes couples with children need to seriously consider being married.

To the OP, yes most women go through phases like this once we hit a certain age. I've had periods where I have absolutely craved a baby for months on end since I was 24/25. When I first started having these feelings I wasn't in a position to have a child, my partner and I lived in a pretty crap rented apartment and he was at too delicate a point in his career where he works freelance a lot.

Fairly early on in our relationship we discussed children, we both knew that with the way he works and with my reluctance to work when we have kids that having children would have to wait until we were set up better. Now we're married and own a house which is big enough to raise a family in, but our mortgage is still too high for me to quit work so the plan is to pay off a chunk of it now so we have less owing in a few years. I still get occasional cravings but having a plan helps. I know that waiting a few years is OUR plan, while sometimes I wish we weren't waiting I know why we are.

Plus that we got puppies recently and they have actually quelled most of my broodiness, while igniting it in my husband.

LegacyUser

'why are people debating fertility in this thread?
We can only reiterate general stats because fertility is an individual + 1 issue.

The OP can talk about fertility to her doctor in which case he would possibly reiterate the stats we've talked about here.
Unless there is of course a medical reason we aren't aware of, the real issue here is the OP's immediate want to have said child.

Marriage, the reason for etc.. means different things to different people, only the OP plus significant other can discuss these things rationally.

I would suggest a visit to GP for reasurance about your fertility, a good GP will also talk to you about the issue you have with your bf.

Then re-visit the situation calmly with him, not us.'

embee

iguana wrote:

I'm sorry but Ireland with the law as it stands it is kind of a necessity. Your partner has NO rights over your child, none. If you died your parents would become your childs guardian, not your partner despite the fact that his name may be on the birth certificate. In any medical situation he has no say about your childs medication. If you split up he would have NO automatic right to access.

Now hopefully none of these thing will ever be an issue. You and your partner will stay together and live long, healthy lives. But that is unfortunately not guaraunteed, and allowing a situation that leaves your family in legal limbo is as irresponsible as not having a clear will.

I'm not saying that the law is fair. Unmarried fathers who are involved in their child's life should have the same rights as married fathers who are involved in their child's, but the don't. The law is antiquated and atavistic, but it is the law, and until that changes couples with children need to seriously consider being married.

Fair point, if unmarried parents are willing to accept this as the status quo and do nothing about it. It is, however, possible to get a legally binding Statutory Declaration, signed by both parents. This will give both parents joint guardianship of the child and a father will have rights in terms of custody, the childs healthcare, education etc.

This declaration states the names of the parents of the child, that they are unmarried and that they agree that the father should be appointed as a joint-guardian. The declaration also states that the parents have agreed arrangements regarding custody of and access to the child. If there is more than one child, a separate statutory declaration should be made for each.......... In situations where the father has been appointed joint guardian of a child, then his consent is required for certain things relating to the child's general welfare and other items.

from here - http://oasis.gov.ie/relationships/civil_relationships/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples.html

dame

OP,

Maybe if you brought the subject up again in a non-threatening way he might be more prepared to discuss it now? He's had two months to mull it over for himself and get used to the idea.

Perhaps your boyfriend is still settling into the living together commitment part and doesn't want to upset the applecart when things seem perfect?

Perhaps your boyfriend is actually quite old-fashioned and would prefer to be married before becoming parents? Maybe it's just that he feels rushed and wants to enjoy being a young married couple for a while first?

I know you're getting extremely anxious about the whole body clock issue and it's not what you want to hear but you do have a good few long years left yet.

My advice; talk to him again and get a kitten or a puppy for now. I know it's far from a baby but having a little pet to lavish some affection on may dissipate a bit of the edge for you and allow your mothering instincts some opportunity to grow. If you seem more relaxed your boyfriend will be more relaxed and better able to consider how he feels without feeling any pressure.

Dutchology

Dear OP,

I understand where you're coming from. I've been extremely broody since I was 15 or 16, years old. I still think quite often about having children, and although I have met the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life, I know having children is off the agenda.

Both "halves" in the relationship need to be settled and ready to have children, and pressurising or pleading will not help. It is not just the financial aspect that needs to be considered, but also emotional readiness. If you believe that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man, and he feels the same, then I am very happy for you, I know what a great feeling that is. When you are both ready to have children, then that is the time.

By all means discuss this with your man, as it is important to always be open and honest with eachother, however do not be tempted to pressurise or put him on a guilt trip regarding the issue as this will only prove to be a hinderance.

Take care...

LegacyUser

Dutchology wrote:

I understand where you're coming from. I've been extremely broody since I was 15 or 16, years old. I still think quite often about having children, and although I have met the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life, I know having children is off the agenda.
Take care...

Thanks. I was looking for reassurance that I'm not mad when I posted, and your, embee's and a few other responses have made me feel that my emotions are relatively normal.

In my defence, I should say that I'm not trying to force my boyfriend's hand, and I've no intention of doing anything sneaky. Also, we both agree that we do want to have children, and we've talked about issues like how we would provide for them and how we feel that children need to be looked after.

The question is when: as a woman, I feel a sense of urgency; as a man, he doesn't.

I'm not saying this gives me rights ('extra vote' was a poor choice of words), but I just feel a certain imbalance there.

[As regards marriage, it isn't something I feel is necessary for raising happy children. I never shared my mother's surname and it created absolutely no difficulty. However I do take the points about the father's legal rights, and that could be a deciding factor.]