Advertisement
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.
Hi all, please see this major site announcement: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058427594/boards-ie-2026

One-Liner Jokes

Options
1…204205206207208210»

Comments

  • Options
    #6272
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to an Eskimo restaurant last night.

    I asked what was on the menu.

    "Whale meat, whale meat, or you can try a Vera Lynn"

    "What's that?" I asked

    "Whale meat again"



  • Options
    #6273
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What does a guy with a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

    Decorative balls.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6274
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I just found out cock-fighting is done with chickens....

    That's a year of training down the drain.



  • Options
    #6275
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Whilst cooking I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.

    I’m now parsley sighted...



  • Options
    #6276
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,570 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    Im dying to see that new documentary about car, van and lorry accessories designed to be towed by a motorized vehicle. The trailer for it looks great.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #6277
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,869 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Was on my way to work in the army barracks this morning when I was involved in a nasty accident. Sitting here in A and E for the last 6 hours and still haven’t been seen.



  • Options
    #6278
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I absolutely refuse to accept the fact, that i fell overboard on an Egyptian river cruise.



  • Options
    #6279
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you call a homeless Italian man?

    Giovanni Change

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6280
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A new trial TV Series ‘The Masked Chef’ was cancelled after the kitchen burnt down.



  • Options
    #6281
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    And the award for the Best Neckwear of the Year goes to...

    Well would you look at that, it’s a tie!



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #6282
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I'm at the airport and I've just witnessed a man collapse on the luggage carousel.. I think he's ok, as he's slowly coming around.



  • Options
    #6283
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    If you are ever going to climb the mountains between france and spain, you will need strong legs and a good pyrenees

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6284
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".

    You've been saying it wrong the whole time.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6285
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are in a restaurant eating with chopsticks.

    Noticing his friend is struggling, Obi-Wan says, “Use the forks, Luke.”



  • Options
    #6286
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    How many tap dancers does it take to change a light bulb?

    .

    5-6-7-8

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6287
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath.

    When all of a sudden, I felt a tap on my shoulder.



  • Options
    #6288
    mrm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 614 ✭✭✭mrm


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124539790#Comment_124539790

    I looked up and saw a right shower hanging around, looking down at me.

    I turned to my left and I knew it was curtains!



  • Options
    #6289
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you call a Spanish flasher?

    Señor Willie

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6290
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 100,317 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two: One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.



  • Options
    #6291
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I said to the doctor “I've got a problem with my ear.”

    He said, “Are you sure?”

    I said, “Yes. I'm definite.”



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #6292
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I married my wife for her looks -
    But not the ones I have been getting lately

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6293
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.

    The librarian says “ They’re right behind you! “



  • Options
    #6294
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals: Eating vegetables,

    Staying home, Taking a nap, Going to bed early.



  • Options
    #6295
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Man: “Your Honour, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus.”

    Judge: “Repeat infractions?”

    Man: “Fine…3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus.”



  • Options
    #6296
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What’s the best music for limbo dancing?

    Anything by Gary Barlow.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6297
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭xlogo


    JUST IN: An independent survey has found that 87% of Americans believe that Mbappé was a 1997 number one hit by the American band Hanson.



  • Options
    #6298
    Joesa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 88 ✭✭Joesa


    What's the difference between your wife and a battery?.........

    A battery has a positive side😊



  • Options
    #6299
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just heard someone is organising a Memorial concert for Dame Vera Lynn

    Don’t know where. Don’t know when

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Options
    #6300
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,095 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Got arrested for playing Engelbert Humperdinck records too loud, all night.

    Police released me, let me go.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement