Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Lots of times people feel they’ve disappointed parents but since being a parent, I know that’s unusual. Day-to-day living, stress, health or financial worries can get in the way of the bigger picture, but love for your kids overrides the daily grind. Sure, parents get cross at times, lose patience, have disagreements, but not disappointment, they only ever want the best for their kids, to support them in their decisions and love them. I’ve seen it time and again with friends, extended family, work colleagues. I believe the vast majority of parents feel overwhelming love for their kids and want them to have full, healthy and happy lives. And when we feel lost or hopeless and our parents are not around to wrap us in hugs and love, our memories of how much they did for us, cared for us, loved us, that helps us to get through the dark days of grief at their loss. The hole in your heart will heal. Be kinder to yourself.

Fell into a deep sleep after my therapy session, the day before. Had not slept right the day of my therapy session, and I just slept until the following day.

I felt like I opened up old wounds and scars, and touched on stuff I locked away. There was some stuff, that when I talked about it, I realized 'there's still trauma there', no matter how many years have gone by. And some therapists, in the past, have been dismissive of stuff. (You can always tell a bad one if they're advice is 'get over it').

Had a strange Sunday. Had a dream where I was visiting with my Mum. Peaceful, serene. Sunday's were always the day we'd visit her, and this felt like a real visit. I woke up feeling elated, like I had seen her. Physically visited her. That kind of feeling.

I kept trying to go back to sleep, until the following day, so I could have that dream again. It was a very special feeling.

the deterioration of our public services is very disturbing to watch

I'm after making the most difficult decision to try get back in to St pats hospital I need to , I'm so lost and I don't know where to go from here , If anyone here has been in hospital before you know yourself it's a difficult step to accept , early days but hopefully I'll be accepted in within the next week to 2 weeks

look after yourself, and best of luck

You have to look after yourself. And it is a difficult decision, but I hope you benefit from it.

It's odd, when the sun is shining, things can feel worse, sometimes. Like 'Sun's out, now you have to be happy'. Another irritation.

Kind of realising more and more that I'm not doing as okay as I'd hoped.

April is kind of a rough month, and it's really hit me this time that there's a lot of history to go with that.

April is the 20 anniversary of my uncle's passing. We knew he wasn't well, and the day he took a turn for the worse, we were waiting on an Ambulance for my father, who was having a fit or a seizure. (They'd believed it was diabetes related, we later learned it was much worse than that). April was the last month my father was at home, before going into hospice. And April was the last month that my mother was home, before she had to go to hospital… when I thought she'd come home afterwards. But fate had other plans.

There's other stuff, but I don't want to bore people. I have booked therapy appointment. I've written out some stuff, God, four pages, and I just want to discuss it in therapy. I might make a doctor's appointment too.
Folks have noticed that I'm very 'jumpy' or overly worried, and then not sleeping right.

Some people I know have also passed away, they were elderly, and these little 'shocks' sort of mount up, in a lot of ways. Takes a toll.
Geez, when will I ever stop being weak.

I know it can sound like that, but it doesn't feel like that. That might make sense, I hope, in a sec.

Just today, I decided to get out of the house, and just go somewhere to grab a coffee, and chill, and relax. And be around people who don't know who the heck I am. And it was nice, for that time, to just be nobody. I got groceries after, and I felt accomplished.

But then I get home, and it's simple stuff one might start to discuss, but it feels like jabbing a needle into the skin. Irritating, painful but not fatal. But the odd time it hits a nerve. Went to visit my mother and father's grave, and bumped into folks we knew. And they ask simple, nothing-berry questions…and they ask how old Mum was… and it's like 'that's not old, gosh you think she'd get another 10 years' and it's like… 'Please don't remind me I've been robbed of parents too soon'. Being the first orphans in the family, on both sides, it's not fun. And losing the last parent, it's horrendous. We've lost the connection and that bond. The connection to our Dad and our Mum, in one swoop.

Then coming home, my brother let slip 'Mum and Dad were always arguing where you got your 'troubles' from', as in Mental Health problems. Both allegedly blaming one another. And I was back to feeling like trash. Now with an extra burden of guilt. (I was discussing how a relative had addiction issues, and how Mum was always nervous that I'd pick up a drug habit and that would be the end of me. I was lucky, I didn't. Never tried any of them).

It's just that feeling of being one step away from shattering into pieces. And I know my parents were understanding, even if they didn't know how to tackle the problem, but would find people who could. But at times, hearing those words… makes me feel like I almost ended my Mum's life far sooner because of the burden of me.

Thanks Grem.

It's this strange thing. I was talking to my brother a few nights ago, looking at old clips on youtube of old shows we used to watch as children. And I said to him 'if we were sick, Mum would bring in the portable TV into our room to watch our favourite shows'. And he said 'I don't remember that'.

And I just felt like 'Oh please don't lose these great memories of Mum'. But then the stuff that felt like it was thrown at me… he remembers. To me that was the negative.

I just worry that I'm the one who possesses the 'archive' of the good memories. And then it's like 'what would happen if I got something that affected my memory? Like, who knows. People get strange conditions at all ages that affect their memory. I've witnessed people with dementia and alzheimer's before and after they got their conditions. They go from a wealth of knowledge, to not knowing anything. And that leaves family members feeling like they lost their history.

There's objects in the house I'd love to ask my Mum where she got them. Can't do that now.

And that couple that we were talking to in the graveyard, allow me to elaborate. (I hope this next part doesn't like 'gloating' or 'sour grapes' or something. It's an explanation, nothing more.) They were visiting their child's grave. They passed away barely in their 20s from an underlying condition that they knew about. There are folks buried in the same plot as my parents who were in their late teens and lost their lives in accidents. And I didn't say anything, but it was more like we all know that when it's our time, it's our time. There's no extending that. Plenty of us know someone gone too soon.

It just… hearing the words 'too soon' or 'that's young'… it's like a dagger to my heart.