Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

I have suffered with on and off anxiety and depression for awhile now. The anxiety first came up in my 3rd year of university. I ended up dropping out due to it. My anxiety has been traced back to childhood. My Mum had a bad temper and would often either hit myself or my older brother, call us stupid or useless and other names. The past two years her anger issues have resurfaced big time with her blaming my father and myself for everything that is wrong in her life. 6 months ago during a meltdown she said to me she regrets ever having children. This of course has played havoc and further exacerbated my anxiety. On top of that I have been experiencing on and off problems with dizziness, headaches, dazed feeling for 2 years now. Multiple blood tests, scans have found nothing. Yet the symptoms persist. Right now I am on a waiting list for a primary mental health psychologist and on medication. I feel completely lost and abandoned. I try and tell myself its nothing serious, I can get through this but the honest truth is I don't believe I can.

This last week been rough.

So, I grew up on a farm. My dad inherited it, my brother took it over when he died. And my Mum used to run it with him, until she retired. But she always kept an interest, asked how things were going. And she'd always be excited for the first newborn calves. Asking who the mother was, if it was male or female. And she'd often have her 'pets' in the herd. When my brother would phone for advice, many of the animals would hear my Mum's voice, over the phone, and start bellowing. She'd raised them as calves, and many were now adults.

Well, spring is here, the baby calves have started to be born in the last few weeks. And boy has it hit hard.

The loneliness and feeling like tragedy is just around the corner is staying in my mind. A real sense of 'to hell with everything'. Don't bother. Made a therapy appointment for a few weeks time.
I wish I could feel gratitude, more than emptiness right now. At times I feel like crying would help, but my body won't let me.

I think it depends on the person, honestly. For some it's a release, for other's it's another burden.

That's mental illness for ya. Some people will expect one to be crying and teary eyed, but the reality is far from it

My brother is better than me. But there are things that will upset him. Not to the point of crying, but that sadness. That draining, draining sadness. He's trying to keep busy, doing things like chopping timber for firewood. Or working the farm. We have to go register my Mom's death today. So that will be a 'get out of the house' trip. And he'll run errands.

He was in my Mum's sewing room, a few days ago. And he found the last thing she'd been sewing-drawing it out, putting it together. It was a mask, for covid. She'd made two, one for me, one for my brother, during lockdown. And I still have mine. I think she was either making one for herself, or one as a backup. I'm sure it will come back to me It upset him. Not to the point of crying, but loneliness.

He's told me to ring the bereavement phoneline.

Kind of hit me today- it's the first valentine's day that my Mom and Dad get to have together.

I know it's odd, to think of that, but it gave me a little comfort.

Haven't posted here in ages,but my anxiety is sky high at the moment. Having a really hard time at work. Id a couple of bullying incidents. I feel like I am a person who seems to get picked on. I can't stick up for myself. I feel like a child. Anyway my confidence in myself and my work is low, and it's affecting my job. I feel like an idiot tbh.

I've gone through the process. Wouldn't do it again. Bully rewarded with a promotion to keep them out of sight. But the damage has been done to me. My confidence is in the gutter. So my work is suffering.

Mother's day was rough, for obvious reasons. No crying , just really off-kilter. Went to her and my father's grave, but the weather was awful today too.

Rough to see people posting their 'happy Mother's Day' posts on social media.

Rough couple of days. Lots of anger at myself, for my past. Went to get groceries, yesterday, and came back around 5 pm and just went to bed. Had maybe slept for about an hour or two the night before, and then went to bed and slept until 4pm.

Can't really talk to anyone about it without feeling like a burden.

If I can articulate it, I will grem. Thank you.

I guess for me, it's just been this mix of emotions, of anger, of regret, of sadness, since Mother's day. Just feeling like a major disappointment, and a parasite. Having all my failures coming back to haunt me. I feel like a broken record.

I just wish that I could have been normal. I was always the target of someone's criticisms or 'comments', of bullying, of torment and at times torture. Wherever I went. I didn't suffer sexual abuse, like others who post her might, but I never saw myself as worthwhile. I guess it was my Mum who kept me present. I didn't ask for any of this depression or suffering. Grown adults would pick on me as a kid, so a lot of internalized negativity has built up.

And I wish my mum could have lived to be a grandparent. I told her I wouldn't be a parent, it just wasn't in me, but I was hopeful my brother would find someone and have kids, and then be able to ask her advice. I wonder if it would have kept her around to be involved in her grandchildren's lives?

I found myself getting emotional tonight. It was hovering underneath for the last few days, and I started tearing up. It was away from prying eyes, so nobody could see me. I'm living in a house, right now, that I didn't build. It was built by my parents. I didn't earn it. And I find that my life is still nowhere where I wish it would or could be. Trying to find meaning and purpose right now is getting harder and harder to maintain.

I feel like I've left people down, and that someone else deserves to have my place on this earth.