How should married couples conduct their financial affairs?

Housefree · 19-09-2022 6:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119636974#Comment_119636974

And every man should have an emergency fund because if the relationship breaks down men lose the family home & family car 99% of the time. They will be left with nothing. They are as entitled to cover themselves like women

Big Bag of Chips · 20-09-2022 11:20am

This thread has gone way off topic and very few of the recent replies are offering advice to the original poster who came looking for it.

From this point on replies need to be addressing the OP's issue. Not general discussion about who pays for starters or who has a pension plan. The OP is @Weesie please reply to her when posting.

Any off topic posts following this warning will pick up a 1 week ban from PI.

20-09-2022 3:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119637114#Comment_119637114

I'm the same, even down to working in Brussels in an internship (but not for the Commission sadly). Early 50s. My daughter and her partner whip out the calculators at every opportunity. I don't know how they do it.

miamee · 20-09-2022 3:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119632442#Comment_119632442

Sorry to hear about your situation Weesie. It's hard to believe that you had no idea how much your husband earned and at no point did he indicate that it was a lot more than you earn. Does he know exactly how much YOU earn?

Is he aware of how much it costs for your children to do the hobbies that they have and to keep the house running as it does? I.e. does he know how much the weekly groceries cost, bin collections, the heating and electricity bills or has that always been your thing to look after?

Maybe I am grasping at straws but is there a possibility that he is completely oblivious to the costs of running a home and family and to how much you actually earn?

If not and he is happy to allow you to struggle on your own wage while he treats himself to whatever he fancies from his larger pay packet then I'm afraid you will need to have a very frank conversation with him. Any house or family expenses should be looked after by both of you in whatever way you agree to split it between you. It sounds like there have been no real discussions about money or agreements that suit both of you. What is his suggestion when you tell him your wages no longer stretch as far as they used to and that you struggle monthly with everything? That struggle is only going to get worse as the cost of living rises so it's something you need to get sorted as soon as you can.

Cyrus · 20-09-2022 3:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119632095#Comment_119632095

i didnt need to read too far into the thread to find the answer, this is what my wife and i do as well (and she has now taken time out of work to look after the kids which we both agreed was best for our family) how anyone can argue that anything else is a better way of managing in a marriage is beyond me but no doubt as i read through the thread people will.

actually what we do is take all income that comes in, pay the mortgage, transfer a set amount into the joint account which pays for groceries, bills, meals, the cleaner, etc etc, pay an amount in pensions / investments and split the rest 50/50 to do with what we like, but the premise is the same, everything is shared down the middle regardless of who earns what.

AvalonEnaid · 20-09-2022 4:48pm

How in the world is a 50/50 split fair?? It's the most unfair method to manage finances because one person is always going to lose out!

Let's take an example using easy numbers to show why a 50/50 split is never fair.

---

Per month, Person A earns €700 and Person B earns €300. We now have a combined pot of €1000.

Let's add typical costs (using easy numbers for quick math)

Rent: €300,

Utilities: €100,

Food: €200,

Total: €600

If we go with the 50/50 split (€300 each) method; Person A is left with €400 for discretionary spending, while Person B is left with €0 for discretionary spending.

How is this in any way remotely fair??

But Person B can use the combined pot for discretionary spending I hear you say. So Person A must now pay for all of the discretionary spending of Person B? Something Person A cannot make use of because it belongs to Person B... How is this fair?

But Person A and Person B are in love with each other I hear you say. Uh huh, explain that to the money issues / debt (36.1%) of reasons for couples to initiate the divorce process.

The contributions to house hold costs must always be a percentage of your combined earnings. Using the above example with a 70% split and 30% split,

Person A is left with €280 to spend on themselves, while Person B is left with €120 to spend on themselves.

It's completely irrelevant to argue how Person A "works harder" and should therefore not be burdened with a higher percentage contribution. Is person A not living in the house? Is Person A not eating the food? Is Person A not using the gas/elec?

I understand the thinking of a 50/50 split when you look at it as "contributing" to the house, but it does not factor in discretionary spending of the individual themselves. Person A and Person B need to have ownership of their own money (after contributing to the house hold) and be allowed to spend €50 of on some beauty product or gadget for themselves.

Don't punish your other half because they don't earn as much as you do.

Cyrus · 20-09-2022 7:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119642659#Comment_119642659

Make it fairer and split all income equally that way each person’s discretionary pot is the same, why should one spouse have more disposable income than the other ?

gameoverdude · 20-09-2022 7:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119643278#Comment_119643278

Hmm. The ops post is not a black and white outcome. So many variables. Its up to an individual couple.

Overall, I believe discussion is the key. No communication, good luck.

SodiumCooled · 20-09-2022 7:41pm

As I mentioned in my post I think the argument of 50:50 being unfair has some merit if one earner has a very low income and the other a relatively high income but in the case of the OP (which is the situation we are trying to help with) I think her salary is more than sufficient to leave a very comfortable disposable income even on a 50:50 split given their mortgage isn't massive etc. I think the issue is that its not even being split 50:50 bar some of the main monthly outgoings (and of course the not knowing his income which is definitely not normal).

I get about 500 euro more per month into my hand compared to my wife (partly due to higher salary, partly due to her having a higher pension contribution). The idea that this should be shared out between us would not even enter our heads however my wife also has a healthy amount of discretionary spending money left over after our bills and other outgoing are paid so why would it need to be split? I think all being done fairly on splitting all household outgoings the OP should be in a situation like this.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119643278#Comment_119643278

Some will disagree but they have more because they earn more?

Cyrus · 20-09-2022 8:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119643357#Comment_119643357

It’s a partnership as far as I’m concerned, I can’t see why one spouse should have more walking around money than the other, but others may disagree.

fits · 20-09-2022 9:03pm

Is he gambling?

AvalonEnaid · 20-09-2022 9:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119643278#Comment_119643278

It is literally not fair to split all income equally. Person A (the higher earner) is now paying for the discretionary spending of Person B. And why should one spouse have more disposable? Because they earn more, but they must still contribute proportionally to their use of the houses fixed costs (rent, food, etc...).

@Weesie, I have no idea how you would broach the subject, but the first step is to understand why your husband is so secretive over his finances. Perhaps there is some childhood trigger that made him think he needs to hide his finances?

Cyrus · 20-09-2022 9:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119643697#Comment_119643697

Partnership means different things to different people. If you start seeing your income as separate then of course you’ll feel that way.

Skibunny77 · 20-09-2022 10:16pm

OP, I feel so sad reading your post. This is not a loving or respectful relationship.

Please, if you do nothing else, tell him you are unwilling to continue to live like this, that as he has refused to make changes or attend counselling, that you are going to attend counselling yourself and make choices that meet your needs (as he is making no attempt to hear, engage or take an interest in your needs).

I would also say this behaviour will increasingly impact the kids over time. Already he is refusing family holidays. They will grow up knowing their Dad prioritises money over their mum, and over them. This is damaging. Get counselling.

ChickenDish · 21-09-2022 2:05pm

There is no such thing as mine or hers, my wife and myself do not keep track of who spends what. Whoever has money at the time covers the cost or what is needed. We both put money in joint account and if something crops up, whom ever has the money to cover it pays.

OP your hubby needs a serious wake up call. Unfortunately you have enabled him for quiet some time, so there is no easy fix. I suspect if this situation is not resolved fairly (you not bearing the brunt of all the financial expenses) your marriage will deteriorate even faster given how you presently feel. What's more important to your husband? A healthy bank balance or his family unit! Give him a reality check....

growleaves · 21-09-2022 2:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119638668#Comment_119638668

A judge may not allow this "emergency fund" to exist separately though. It may be pooled with other money and assets for the purposes of dividing it up for spousal maintenance and child support. I'd think long and hard about trying to hide money and keeping it undeclared.

griffin100 · 21-09-2022 2:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119637114#Comment_119637114

I'm the same age as you and my wife and I are exactly the same so perhaps it is a generational thing. We set up a joint account before we were married and we have always had both salaries paid into it and all spending comes out of it. There has never been any issue around one person earning more than the other, that's just life. Reading some of the comments here if the fact that one partner in a marriage is earning more than the other is causing stress then the marriage has more than money issues.

We have never thought along the lines of her and my money, it's our money that is used to fund a family of 4 kids, pay a mortgage, pay for cars, etc. and now pay for kids college. We discuss major purchases like cars and holidays and we also agree on how much to out into joint savings at the end of every moth, but if I want to spend a couple of hundred euros on something then I just do, I don't need my wife's permission and vice versa. I'm not criticising the couples that have a clear division of finances, its just a way of life that I could never imagine and after almost 20 years of marriage is just alien to me.

Quantum Erasure · 21-09-2022 2:41pm

Is this kind of stuff not covered in pre-marriage courses, for better or worse...?

Henry Ford III · 21-09-2022 2:41pm

I think a financial counselling session is what's needed OP.

Make an appointment with a reputable independent Accountant or QFA and tell your Husband what's going on. Tell him you expect him to attend, and why you are unhappy. Don't pull any punches.

Your issue really boils down to where his extra net income is going every month. Your biggest mistake was a lack of openness and transparency going way back, and after all this time that behaviour is going to be difficult to detail/change. It's big stuff you are talking about btw - maybe c.€40,000 p.a. after tax.

Best case scenario is that the prospect of having to disclose to a 3rd party will encourage him to come clean with you before the appointment.

Unfortunately you're not in a great position, and this is likely going to be a impactful confrontation.

Best of luck.

Sunny Dayz · 21-09-2022 2:52pm

I think from reading the comments on this thread that there's not a "one size fits all" approach to couples' finances. And whether it's mainly joint or separate finances a couple go by what works best for them as a unit.

OP in your case there is something not working within the household finances. You need to sit down with your husband and work out what your incomings and outgoings are and communicate. When you know what's coming in and what has to be paid (mortgage, bills, childcare, savings) then you can work out how much each of you can contribute to the household and what is available for extras such as clothes shopping, household items, holidays etc.

amdublin · 21-09-2022 4:46pm

A thought struck me, admittedly going from nought to 100 very quickly, if you were separated or divorced from him he would probably HAVE to give you more money per a court order?? Am I right?

Kind of crazy to stay in an unhappy relationship where you are broke all the time because he is not paying his fair share (which he simply is not).

At it's simplest: he should be paying half of every bill/mortgage/children's needs etc. And I would think more than half based on him earning more.

He sounds stingey: that he would choose no family holidays or no extra curriculars for the kids? What is he doing with all his money do you think??

shesty · 22-09-2022 10:51am

It's easy to split stuff 50/50 or have separate accounts when you have no kids.

When you do have kids - a joint account is needed that an amount is paid into every month, be it both salaries, or an agreed amount (more than the mortgage amount), or else one person ends up being the one funding all of the kid's needs. (it seems).

How you do the division is up to the individual couple, but I do think the OP needs to sit down with her husband, tot up what she pays out every month - bills, kids, the works - and look at what he pays out every month and then see are the two in any way equal. By the sounds of it, they aren't. And then agree a contribution from both sides that doesn't see one half losing out.

All very easy to write down I know, but very hard to implement in real life if he is unwilling to engage on it.

I would say at this point OP, that counselling of some sort will have to be part of the solution.

Or, while I am not advising it, potentially a refusal to pay 50% of the bills one month until he agrees to talk (since it is a tactic he seems to like employing).

I'd recommend counselling first though.

For perspective, you are bringing approximately 225k gross into the house annually. We are bringing less than that. My husband earns more than me, and I work a 4 day week so it is further reduced - yet we do save, and have some bit of spare money every week (not much these days), and paying for the kids many activities is done by both of us, even if it is me who mostly reminds when things are due.

Your husband's behaviour just isn't acceptable when you have kids to provide for too.

ManOfMystery · 22-09-2022 11:43am

My wife and I have always had a joint account - both our wages go into it.

She earns slightly more than me as she is in a more senior role, but I also have some side work which supplements my main income so it balances out - plus in the past I was the only one paying into the pot when she extended her maternity leave.

There is no "her money" or "my money". There is no 50/50 imbalance. We don't look at this as money belonging to individuals - when we married, we became a unit and the money belongs to both of us.

This works absolutely fine for us, and all we both have to do is be respectful of each other - we don't monitor each other's expenditure for normal/small purchases, but if either of us want to buy something large we just run it past the other person. Neither of us tend to go on spending sprees so it never feels like one person is abusing the money which has been pooled by the other. And neither of us would ever create a scenario where one person decides to stop working and just rely on the income of the other. As long as it's generally balanced, like everything in life, it works fine.

The problem with your scenario OP is that it is hugely, hugely imbalanced. And if your OH has been unwilling to communicate it, I would really consider escalating this to the next level. He is not acting in a trustworthy way.

Hooked · 22-09-2022 4:26pm

Feel sad reading the OP's post... Married and not knowing what he earns... just not right, in MY opinion.

We are not married long... few years... but when we made a huge house move we sat and chatted about this... Long story short: we split the mortgage in the ratio of our salaries. Wife has 60% of the bill. As she earns 50% more than me. Then everything we need (groceries, bills, etc...) we split down the middle. She wants to buy a 1000 euro handbag in BT's... none of my business. It's her money.

I guess it boils down to what works for each couple/situation.

Jump_In_Jack · 29-09-2022 10:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058263859/how-should-married-couples-conduct-their-financial-affairs

I don’t know how you can put up with a partner that won’t be fair with the shared expenses of your children and your household. That’s just common decency, you have to expect that as a minimum threshold.

The bare minimum should be everything bought for the house, or for the children, should be split evenly.

Can you explain how it transpired that you paid for expenses for the house and the children without getting half from your partner?

Have you tried simply getting together all the receipts of what you spent at the end of a month and totalling them up and saying you need half the total paid into your account by electronic transfer there and then or else there will be consequences?

By rights, if you do a lot of the running around and organising and managing things for the house and children then you should make your partner pay more than half, maybe 60%, to compensate for your time and effort taken to maintain everything.

BattleCorp · 30-09-2022 5:00pm

We've three accounts. My wife's account, my account and a joint account. We both contribute equally into the joint account. We put money into this to cover the mortgage and living expenses. There's never a whole pile of money in it and sometimes we have to top it up and we both do that 50:50.

If we have an expense like buying a bed/fill of oil etc. and the money for it isn't in the joint account, we both pay 50% each for the bed/oil etc. Anything for the house that isn't covered for by the joint account is paid for evenly between us.

That seems fair to both of us.

OP, you shouldn't be out of money at the end of the month if you are on €75k and he's on twice that. No way.

Your other half needs to pony up his fair share of the household expenses.

yourdeadwright · 30-09-2022 5:11pm

Ok you've a joint income of 225 k a year,

How are you broke ?

Unless you live in a multiply million mansion . Sound's like you husband i hiding some kind of a problem ,drinking, drugs ,gambling,hookers cause where is the money going ,

MrMusician18 · 30-09-2022 6:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119642382#Comment_119642382

Struggle? This household has a combined gross income of €225k!

Your mortgage isn't even particularly large given your earnings.

Jump_In_Jack · 30-09-2022 8:08pm

To be fair to the OP, if the burden of furnishing the house is falling on her alone, that would definitely wipe out a lot, and birthday presents nowadays can be expensive, and if there are lots of them it could amount to a fair bit.

after tax and pension contributions 75k might leave around 3,500 a month net, and childcare and mortgage could eat 2k of that, and bills and groceries another 500, so 1000 a month left to keep a car going, and pay out for a cleaner, and pay off furnishings and presents, I could see how there could be nothing left at the end of each month.

The thing I can’t understand is how the burden of furnishing the house and paying the cleaner and the kids presents would fall onto one person, surely it would be a simple demand for each to put half of this into the joint account and pay it out of the joint account, or else keep a total every month and demand he pay half into your account. Generally these expenses tend to be regular every month, like €300 each a month might cover it.

That could be a few hundred every month back to yourself, which for most people would be plenty.

The holiday thing is definitely one where I’d be setting a target for the holiday, say 3k for a two week summer holiday, and each must put in half into the pot, even make it a monthly thing, €150 a month for 10 months, and then ye pay for everything on the holiday out of the joint account. I really think that would be worth it.

The last thing I’d reference is the pension and savings, because there has to be a plan for retirement, for example would ye retire somewhere abroad, or to a quiet countryside place by the seaside or stay in your house.

And what age to retire and what standard of living to expect, once kids are grown enough ye’ll surely want to start enjoying meals out, weekends away together and Sun holidays or cruises etc.

if ye can’t plan that now (broadly at least), it’s like saying ye won’t be together in 20 years time so why bother.

in any case OP, you need to ensure your pension pot is sufficient for your retirement, and you may need to pay AVC’s into a private pension to get you up to the level you’ll need, so it’s important you don’t continue to be caught to pay for the day to day expenses and you’ll find the years will fly by and you’ll be sorry you didn’t sort it out in time.

and unlike a lot of other posts, I don’t particularly care if your partner throws his own money away on hobbies etc, as long as he doesn’t expect you to pay for his responsibilities.

I do think it’s fair if someone earns money it’s their money to do what they want with, it’s a reward for getting your career together and finding a way to earn a good wage, everybody should be entitled to reward themselves for their own efforts.

But personally I would not let my partner struggle if I was flush with cash, I suppose it’s about caring for their happiness and if your partner doesn’t care for your happiness then that’s a red flag.

Pawwed Rig · 01-10-2022 10:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119685865#Comment_119685865

That is how I do it aswell but this system assumes that both are earning similar amounts. If one spouse was on 100k and the other min wage then it wouldn't work

Charles Babbage · 02-10-2022 12:28am

There are a lot of simplistic comments here about splitting the mortgage 50/50 and so on.

If you have two people on different incomes (and this couple are although they are both well paid) then what sort of house do you buy. Do you buy a house proportionate to 2.5 times the joint income or whatever? In this case the less well paid partner is lving in a better house than they could otherwise afford and paying 50% of the mortage will impoverish them, while their partner has plenty of money left over. Do you buy a house proportionate to the lower income and everyone lives in a crowded space? A similar issue could apply to things like holidays, but this does not seem like an issue here.

UsBus · 02-10-2022 1:43am

For many couples getting married in their 30's or later, most people would have had their own bank account for 15-20 years before. Just because you decide to get married, you don't completely give up your independence and live joined at the hip. Nothing complicated at all about each person having their own bank account and both paying into a joint account to manage all household bills or joint expenses. A healthy surplus in the joint account and each person has the freedom to live off their own excess earnings.

It's not real life to pool everything and live as one entity. Things can change unexpectedly in the future. Anyone who has experienced divorce will tell you that.

Cyrus · 02-10-2022 1:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691089#Comment_119691089

If you decide to have children then you need to start pooling income imo, doesn’t mean you lose your independence you just both have the same amount of disposal income , if you want to have a family with someone it’s a partnership you should treat it like one.

downtheroad · 02-10-2022 1:44pm

A married couple with kids should be putting all income into 1 account and running the household from it.

gameoverdude · 02-10-2022 1:52pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691996#Comment_119691996

I don't agree.

Joint account for house expenses yes.

There's no one size fits all answer.

If the OP paying for everything then a discussion is needed.

02-10-2022 3:06pm

God bless my parents. My Dad used to come in on Friday night and put the square brown envelope with his wages in it (cash) on the kitchen windowsill for my mother to take out what she needed to run the house that week. She looked after all the bills, as by his own admittance, he wasn't great with money. She worked as well.

She'd take what she needed from the envelope and then put it back on the windowsill for him, and whatever she'd left he spent on his cigarettes, and his biggest vice - eccles cakes and rock buns - which he'd bring home for us on Saturday night. He never complained he didn't have enough and she never left him with too little. We didn't have a car, my mother got the bus to work and my father walked everywhere.

Simpler times. It was all down to trust and they definitely worked as a team.

OP, my long-winded point is I feel your husband is not treating you and he as a team.

That, and as I mentioned before, the secrecy, would bother me more than the income inbalance. I hope since starting the thread you've managed to have a decent chat with him. (Please don't take that as a request for an update, its not).

02-10-2022 3:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691089#Comment_119691089

Also sudden illness/incapacity of one partner could potentially land the other in a tricky situation re cash flow if neither has an independent current account.

02-10-2022 3:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692404#Comment_119692404

Rather like my parents. My mother ran a small cottage industry which helped finance her widowed sister, and it paid bills when my Dad would be seeking next job. She started it in motion when her sister’s husband was dying, and he died a relieved man knowing his widow would have a living and occupation. They did have a joint account, but when my Dad started getting strokes she opened a separate account. They were a team, but my mother was especially good at managing finances, even though my Dad was better at the math when she set him the task of getting to grips with actual figures. The neighbours were mostly father only working, and they had control of the finances, so when they became widowed they needed a bit more assistance from the children to conduct transactions etc. My Mum was able to manage finances up to age 89 when she died.

helimachoptor · 02-10-2022 7:05pm

Interesting responses and this subject has come up a few times.

myself and wife have earned similar is over our relationship, last couple of years I’ve significantly out earned her and that will continue for a couple of years at least.

I dump my salary into our joint account as does she, we keep a bit of cash for any DDs that come out of our individual accounts. I have a credit card for her personal account.

we’re near on 20 years together, 3 kids and 2 houses, but most importantly I trust her and she’s financially responsible, my biggest vice is coffee shop coffee.

Pawwed Rig · 02-10-2022 7:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691996#Comment_119691996

Says who?

SodiumCooled · 03-10-2022 3:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691996#Comment_119691996

I am not really sure this helps the op, all wages going into or not going into a joint account is not the problem - the issue is an overall very dysfunctional financial setup between the op and her husband. If you read the thread lots of posters have explained that they don't get paid into one account and prefer to keep their income separate (my wife and I included) and either top up a join account (50/50 or what they deem appropriate) or use some other method to share expenses (in our case Revolut transfers and scheduled payments back and fourth has taken over from the joint account in recent times) Kids coming along hasn't changed how we manage our family finances.

That is not to say there is anything wrong with the all into joint account method but it is not for us nor the absolute must that some posters are making it out to be and is in some ways distracting from the core issues for the op.

Cyrus · 03-10-2022 4:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696418#Comment_119696418

Generally people who prefer to keep their income seperate is because one person earns a lot more and wants to keep it that way, thats fine if it works for you but its strange carry on when married with kids. As is transferring money back and forth like you would do with a friend.

Makes more sense to have a joint account with a sufficient amount in it to cover all monthly household expenses, kids expenses, lunches, dinners, coffees etc and then keep a seperate income each in your own account split whatever way you deem fair. In our case we just split it equally regardless of income because i dont see the point in one of us having way more disposable than the other but thats just me.

WertdeerSC · 04-10-2022 11:42pm

It'd be nice for you to know what he's doing with all his money... if he was saving for your joint future, for his children's future. There shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage, and that includes money - what is being earned and where it's being spent or saved. It's about trust and respect. It's hard-wired into most men to care for and protect their family and providing for them in a monetary way is often part of that.

If he's not contributing to the daily expenses, you'd sure hope he's sorting out the college funds, the sizeable deposits for houses, the money for a first car, etc. All the things a couple with your income should be able to do. Hell, even buy 2nd and 3rd homes to rent out and one day pass on to your children to set them up and make their lives easier.

Do you have a budget drawn up to see where the money comes and goes? This could be something you show him to explain that there's nothing left!! And for one person to be on the breadline as you put it, and the other to earn twice as much and squirrel it away (we assume), is completely unfair.

If necessary, you could always frame it that you have paid for the following A, B, C, D, for the last X number of years, and now, it's his turn, and if he doesn't pay for these things the children or whomever, won't have X, Y or Z and will go without.

If he's not prepared to have an open and honest discussion, then where can you go from there? You can't build a strong relationship on a sinking foundation.

tscul32 · 06-10-2022 7:11pm

There's no one size fits all and no one solution that fits a family that expands and changes with time. It needs to be flexible.

We've always had our own accounts and a joint one. Back in the day we were earning similar and kept a same personal disposable income, all else went into the joint ac. Then there were two maternity leaves so my tax allowances were transferred over. I never bothered getting them back. Some told me I was losing out, that my husband was getting my money, but as long as it's coming to the household it doesn't make a difference to me. Then redundancy for me timed with kids staring school and number 3 arriving. Wasnt worth the childcare costs and the first 2 needed a lot of appointments, not realistic with 2 full time jobs. So I went stay at home and OH carried the can. Children's allowance went into my ac and OH kept a bit but the majority went into the joint ac. Someone said if you work hard to advance your career you should get to enjoy the benefits. But I sacrificed my career for the sake of the family, and I didn't love being at home. OH could do well in his career because he didn't have to do half the appointments or school meetings or other kids stuff or the shopping, etc. I went back part time a few years ago and now we just let my wages build up and use them for a holiday/pay the orthodontist, whatever is needed.

What I don't understand is how the OP never knew what her OH earned. Surely they applied for a mortgage, filled out a census form, how did she never know their joint income? As others have said, the secrecy is strange, and the idea of having to ask for contributions to furniture or kids' expenses.....

How you manage your money as a couple is irrelevant as long as there is full transparency and it's agreed upon by both parties. Looks like there was never a revision of the plan when kids came along and the family dynamic and priorities changed.

Mystery Egg · 06-10-2022 11:01pm

I'm genuinely amazed reading these responses. We're together 23 years and pool everything, always have. I actually don't think it's right for partners to withhold finances from one another. Of course there are exceptions where a relationship is abusive or a partner is an addict or will blow the household funds.

But assuming you've no great problems and where you've got a trusting committed, permanent relationship, it just feels mean tbh, and driven by the scabby higher earner.

amdublin · 07-10-2022 5:35pm

I think your partner might be a stingy person/hoarder of money. Not wanting to spend money on furniture or holidays is not a great sign tbh... I am all for being thrifty and not wasting money. But you have kids!

Not sure what the answer to this is?? A marriage counsellor to help you mediate, agree a way forward of how to manage.

Fwiw I think this would work for you: You both agree an amount that goes into a joint account every month - this is to cover all spends e.g. mortgage, bills, kids stuff, savings i.e you take money from this and put it in to a savings account. This savings is used as needed for bigger stuff like holidays or furniture etc. You both also should put some money into a joint savings account for Long term/emergency savings.

*Personally I think because he earns more than you he should be paying in more every month.

Then all the rest of your money: you each do what you like with it

How should married couples conduct their financial affairs?

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