How should married couples conduct their financial affairs?

And every man should have an emergency fund because if the relationship breaks down men lose the family home & family car 99% of the time. They will be left with nothing. They are as entitled to cover themselves like women

i didnt need to read too far into the thread to find the answer, this is what my wife and i do as well (and she has now taken time out of work to look after the kids which we both agreed was best for our family) how anyone can argue that anything else is a better way of managing in a marriage is beyond me but no doubt as i read through the thread people will.

actually what we do is take all income that comes in, pay the mortgage, transfer a set amount into the joint account which pays for groceries, bills, meals, the cleaner, etc etc, pay an amount in pensions / investments and split the rest 50/50 to do with what we like, but the premise is the same, everything is shared down the middle regardless of who earns what.

Make it fairer and split all income equally that way each person’s discretionary pot is the same, why should one spouse have more disposable income than the other ?

As I mentioned in my post I think the argument of 50:50 being unfair has some merit if one earner has a very low income and the other a relatively high income but in the case of the OP (which is the situation we are trying to help with) I think her salary is more than sufficient to leave a very comfortable disposable income even on a 50:50 split given their mortgage isn't massive etc. I think the issue is that its not even being split 50:50 bar some of the main monthly outgoings (and of course the not knowing his income which is definitely not normal).

I get about 500 euro more per month into my hand compared to my wife (partly due to higher salary, partly due to her having a higher pension contribution). The idea that this should be shared out between us would not even enter our heads however my wife also has a healthy amount of discretionary spending money left over after our bills and other outgoing are paid so why would it need to be split? I think all being done fairly on splitting all household outgoings the OP should be in a situation like this.

Some will disagree but they have more because they earn more?

Is he gambling?

Partnership means different things to different people. If you start seeing your income as separate then of course you’ll feel that way.

There is no such thing as mine or hers, my wife and myself do not keep track of who spends what. Whoever has money at the time covers the cost or what is needed. We both put money in joint account and if something crops up, whom ever has the money to cover it pays.

OP your hubby needs a serious wake up call. Unfortunately you have enabled him for quiet some time, so there is no easy fix. I suspect if this situation is not resolved fairly (you not bearing the brunt of all the financial expenses) your marriage will deteriorate even faster given how you presently feel. What's more important to your husband? A healthy bank balance or his family unit! Give him a reality check....

I'm the same age as you and my wife and I are exactly the same so perhaps it is a generational thing. We set up a joint account before we were married and we have always had both salaries paid into it and all spending comes out of it. There has never been any issue around one person earning more than the other, that's just life. Reading some of the comments here if the fact that one partner in a marriage is earning more than the other is causing stress then the marriage has more than money issues.

We have never thought along the lines of her and my money, it's our money that is used to fund a family of 4 kids, pay a mortgage, pay for cars, etc. and now pay for kids college. We discuss major purchases like cars and holidays and we also agree on how much to out into joint savings at the end of every moth, but if I want to spend a couple of hundred euros on something then I just do, I don't need my wife's permission and vice versa. I'm not criticising the couples that have a clear division of finances, its just a way of life that I could never imagine and after almost 20 years of marriage is just alien to me.

My wife and I have always had a joint account - both our wages go into it.

She earns slightly more than me as she is in a more senior role, but I also have some side work which supplements my main income so it balances out - plus in the past I was the only one paying into the pot when she extended her maternity leave.

There is no "her money" or "my money". There is no 50/50 imbalance. We don't look at this as money belonging to individuals - when we married, we became a unit and the money belongs to both of us.

This works absolutely fine for us, and all we both have to do is be respectful of each other - we don't monitor each other's expenditure for normal/small purchases, but if either of us want to buy something large we just run it past the other person. Neither of us tend to go on spending sprees so it never feels like one person is abusing the money which has been pooled by the other. And neither of us would ever create a scenario where one person decides to stop working and just rely on the income of the other. As long as it's generally balanced, like everything in life, it works fine.

The problem with your scenario OP is that it is hugely, hugely imbalanced. And if your OH has been unwilling to communicate it, I would really consider escalating this to the next level. He is not acting in a trustworthy way.

I don’t know how you can put up with a partner that won’t be fair with the shared expenses of your children and your household. That’s just common decency, you have to expect that as a minimum threshold.

The bare minimum should be everything bought for the house, or for the children, should be split evenly.

Can you explain how it transpired that you paid for expenses for the house and the children without getting half from your partner?

Have you tried simply getting together all the receipts of what you spent at the end of a month and totalling them up and saying you need half the total paid into your account by electronic transfer there and then or else there will be consequences?

By rights, if you do a lot of the running around and organising and managing things for the house and children then you should make your partner pay more than half, maybe 60%, to compensate for your time and effort taken to maintain everything.

Ok you've a joint income of 225 k a year,

How are you broke ?

Unless you live in a multiply million mansion . Sound's like you husband i hiding some kind of a problem ,drinking, drugs ,gambling,hookers cause where is the money going ,

To be fair to the OP, if the burden of furnishing the house is falling on her alone, that would definitely wipe out a lot, and birthday presents nowadays can be expensive, and if there are lots of them it could amount to a fair bit.

after tax and pension contributions 75k might leave around 3,500 a month net, and childcare and mortgage could eat 2k of that, and bills and groceries another 500, so 1000 a month left to keep a car going, and pay out for a cleaner, and pay off furnishings and presents, I could see how there could be nothing left at the end of each month.

The thing I can’t understand is how the burden of furnishing the house and paying the cleaner and the kids presents would fall onto one person, surely it would be a simple demand for each to put half of this into the joint account and pay it out of the joint account, or else keep a total every month and demand he pay half into your account. Generally these expenses tend to be regular every month, like €300 each a month might cover it.

That could be a few hundred every month back to yourself, which for most people would be plenty.

The holiday thing is definitely one where I’d be setting a target for the holiday, say 3k for a two week summer holiday, and each must put in half into the pot, even make it a monthly thing, €150 a month for 10 months, and then ye pay for everything on the holiday out of the joint account. I really think that would be worth it.

The last thing I’d reference is the pension and savings, because there has to be a plan for retirement, for example would ye retire somewhere abroad, or to a quiet countryside place by the seaside or stay in your house.

And what age to retire and what standard of living to expect, once kids are grown enough ye’ll surely want to start enjoying meals out, weekends away together and Sun holidays or cruises etc.

if ye can’t plan that now (broadly at least), it’s like saying ye won’t be together in 20 years time so why bother.

in any case OP, you need to ensure your pension pot is sufficient for your retirement, and you may need to pay AVC’s into a private pension to get you up to the level you’ll need, so it’s important you don’t continue to be caught to pay for the day to day expenses and you’ll find the years will fly by and you’ll be sorry you didn’t sort it out in time.

and unlike a lot of other posts, I don’t particularly care if your partner throws his own money away on hobbies etc, as long as he doesn’t expect you to pay for his responsibilities.

I do think it’s fair if someone earns money it’s their money to do what they want with, it’s a reward for getting your career together and finding a way to earn a good wage, everybody should be entitled to reward themselves for their own efforts.

But personally I would not let my partner struggle if I was flush with cash, I suppose it’s about caring for their happiness and if your partner doesn’t care for your happiness then that’s a red flag.