The Gray Man

Netflix have started the push with this, releasing a "full" clip of some action. The smoke and dust looks very CGI, which ain't great; nor was the quippy dialogue. Or indeed the action itself.

Yup, I've seen almost zero promotion, and only because some reviews started to trickle in via outlets I read or letterboxd that I even know this is about to be released. But something like Stranger Things had countdowns, trailers- all sorts of hype; I'd love to know why these over-budgeted movies receive none of that kind of support.

If Netflix was a person, I'd be asking if they were OK; the company seems to be spiralling.

It's weird we have a major Netflix film that isn't actually available on the service yet. Was going to see how it has done with its limited release, but there's no actual listing on boxofficemojo, ha.

Well, Red Notice's stars, Reynolds, Gadot and The Rock all gained $20 million each so fair guess the stars of this got similar. Maybe even the Russo's too given they're a big enough directorial name ATM.

I gotta stop watching these open chequebook Netflix blockbusters; every single one has been the most forgettable, artless, algorithmic wastes of space. Yet because my eyeballs contributed to their statistics I'm giving the service carte blanche to keep making these bloated time-wasters. I genuinely watched this with an open mind, on a lazy Sunday afternoon and with no expectations. I was ready to be pleasantly surprised.

Instead, what I watched was an overlong attempt at the espionage-action thriller by a pair of genuinely talentless hacks; brothers who have failed upwards 'cos they assembled (ho-ho) a bajillion superheroes into two movies & it didn't fly apart at the seams. Now. There is a lot to be said for the Competent Pair of Hands: the likes of Martin Campbell, Richard Donner and - to use modern examples - James Mangold or Christopher McQuarrie proved that you don't have to be some mad, visually inventive auteur to helm a crowdpleaser. Just know how to structure scenes, build a story's momentum - and knowing how to shoot action helps too. The Russo's chaotic over-editing killed every single action set-piece, robbing them of their tension and basic coherence. Swooping drone shots often disorienting, rather than thrilling - Michael Bay's own recent work demonstrating better use of this frontier-pushing technology.

The Netflix slushpile was obviously spent on the endless parade of whistle-stop visits to international locations, serving no real purpose except in a shameless attempt to Do a Bond - but Bond remembered to heighten the glamour of those foreign locales - not cover them with smoke & moody lighting for the sake of it. A big central location was a gloriously ostentatious palace, yet the Russo's shot it behind gloomy light, inexplicable smoke, and a tonne of fancy lighting.

And I didn't pick up the excitement for Ana DeArmis' character; she did nothing, except occasionally look pensive behind her stylish haircut; while Chris Evans' borderline cocaine-mania performance only distracted more than it entertained. We get it Chris, you don't wanna be typecast as Captain America; stop overcorrecting. The dialogue was generally awful, really trying for Shane Black style snark but none of it landed. "If you wanna make an omelette, you gotta kill some people". Okay. But that's this mess to a tee: The Russo's really, realllly wanted to bit a bit John Wick; a bit Shane Black; a bit Bond; a bit Bourne; a bit everything without ever making any of those ingredients work.