Sex-starved marriage

This isn't a case of a drop in libido, she never had a much of a sex drive and only really participated because she wanted children. There is zero chance of it changing, especially given you've already discussed it.

I have female friends who lost their sex drive after having children or as a result of menopause and all but one sought help because they loved their husband,wanted to keep their marriage and also thought they were too young to shut the door on their sex life permanently. She isn't like them. She doesn't want sex full stop & doesn't seem bothered by the fact she is risking her marriage.

With regard to a FWB, I was single until recently and on dating websites. It's full of stories like this. Some might be true, others are probably lies but like most women, I don't want to get involved with someone else's husband in any capacity, whether his marriage is dead or not. No issue with anyone who is divorced & has left the family home, but I ain't dealing with the complications of having a relationship/affair/fwb/ons with a married man. Mostzingle women see it as just too much hassle.

Your only real possibility is a small percentage of women who gave no issue sleeping with someone else's husband or a married woman in a similar situation to yours & the odds are stacked against you there too given less women than men are in your situation. Most women are having the exact amount of sex they want to have whether it's none or loads.

Marraige counselling is also unlikely to help. It can help resolve issues but it cannot manufacture a sex drive where there is none and where there is no desire to change that on her behalf. Even if she did decide to have more sex to save her marraige, it would be most likely a temporary measure and not for her enjoyment etc.

Sorry to be so brutally honest but it really is a case of do you want a sexless marriage or a divorce more? Neither are nice options. If I were you, I would be looking at the financial/lifestyle implications of a divorce etc. and trying to figure out what is best for you long term.

For what it's worth, I think it's a horrible position for any man to find themselves in. Divorce typically costs men more in terms of both money and access to children. You have my sympathies but you need to decide what you need. It's not just sex, constant rejection can impact happiness, self esteem, mental health etc.

This is another big catholic church generated problem in Ireland.

People get married with little or no sex experience or are hiding or are ashamed of their real preferences.

Or sex, contraception, divorce is a sin, ... Trust in faith, it'll be grand on the night, yada, yada, yada ...

Catholic pre marriage courses don't discuss the "what if we're not compatible sexually" problem. It's not part of its universe.

Then ... wham ... people get married are not compatible sexually or are ashamed of their sexuality or just don't know how to express themselves.

And, even forget ALL of the above, people still get married for no obvious reason apart from pressure from society / advertising / a grand day out.

It's a cultural minefield.

No. Sex is not something to be negotiated over and there are no circumstances where it can be a reasonable expectation, at least not since the 1980s. It must be, and only be, with the full voluntary consent of both people. When one persistently tries to negotiate and badger the other into giving sex then that is not voluntary consent. That is coercion. And when it is a man doing the negotiating and badgering the woman may feel obliged or in fear and may relent out of fear of consequences. That sort of behaviour has no place in marriage. It is toxic.

Since sex requires full voluntary and informed consent of both people, then there can never be an expectation or entitlement to it. If both partners agree to it, then fine. But if one partner does not want it or doesn't consent to it, well then it is just tough luck for the other one and they will have to accept it or leave because forcing the issue is coercsion, nomatter how much people here want to delude themselves to the contrary.

Presumably so, but I'm simply highlighting the 'open marriage' situation could leave one open to a judicial action. Not to suggest such a charge couldn't be or wouldn't be shot down by the judge. But interestingly , adultery is the first grounds listed for granting one (although that could just be as a result of alphabetically listing the criteria).

edit: went back and looked, its not list alphabetically, but...

"When a couple cannot agree the terms by which they will live separately, either person can apply to the courts for a 'decree of judicial separation'. The decree confirms that the couple no longer have to live together as a married couple. The court may also make orders in relation to custody and access to children, the payment of maintenance and lump sums, the transfer of property, the extinguishment of succession rights, etc."

I've no sympathy for anyone who gets hit with this for playing away. But someone who thinks they've an "arrangement" could find themselves in for a surprise.

I would try counselling first. How could you have good sex, if you don't talk, don't open yourself emotionally for each other first? It is other way around, you have great sex, if other parts of relationship work. If something doesn't work and is not addressed in time, resentment can build up and people don't want to be intimate anymore.

You never said why she doesn't want sex. Is it her belief system, is she afraid to have more kids, was this postnatal depression too traumatic to her, was she hurt in any way in her past etc. She might not even know herself. Hence counselling could help. If she treats it like an illness, so go to a doctor (therapist) and treat it. The most sexual organ in our body is our brain.

You might assume things about her wrongly (even her asexuality). For example you say, that she value her friends more than you because she cleans the house for the whole day before their visit, while she didn't give you a card. You are comparing apples with oranges. She might be cleaning so much because she might feel insecure with them. It has nothing to do with you. With her whole day afford, she might be adding a value to herself. And we know nothing about you, how she was treated by you. Could you consider, if you might have contributed in her law self esteem?

There are many questions to answer, so therapy would help. If things developed gradually, so it is very likely, that something unresolved had built up. So it would be worth investigating. And if you both eventually come to a conclusion that it won't work, so at least you will split with a clean conscience.

Absolute nonsense! Genuinely separated guys with children have every chance of starting a new relationship! Most people who are dating in middle age have “baggage” of some sort - and I don’t mean that as a derogatory term.

But I’d be very wary of the “open” relationship option OP - hard to see that ending well!

The longer I live the more afraid I am to be in any kind of relationship.

I'll tell you truthfully OP, I don't know what you should do but I hope it works out for you and I think deep down you know best yourself what to do....there may be no right answer for this imo (without knowing a lot of extra details/factors, the unknowable unknowns)

Well she can't be forced to do that any more than she can be forced to seek medical help. Seems OP has made repeated efforts to get her to engage and she's said most of what she's likely to say on the subject. Looks like the ball is in his court re how he deals with this grim situation.

Your link also contains a bit about lack of a normal marital relationship for at least one year.

I think this covers the OP's situation pretty much, as normal marriage by its nature usually involves sexual relations; so if he is not getting any, he would have grounds for a separation. If this has been going on long enough, he may well even have grounds for a divorce.

Of course this BTW is not say that anyone has the right to sex by virtue of being married - because of course each incidence requires agreement on both sides. But as I understand it, the lack provides grounds for separation or even divorce.

I'd drop her like a hot spud OP, why you'd want to stay with someone who doesn't want sex with you beggars belief let alone someone who's stuck in the missionary position, she sounds like she was born 40 years too late, you'd be better off if she just told you no and not be placating you with bad sex, do yourself a favour and separate but no way would I leave the house until I'd all my ducks in a row, if at all, unless you're fully set up I wouldn't leave the house but I'd tell her the marriage is over and start living your life from there

You must have been pretty young when you got together- explains the naivety.

Seems to be the case with most divorced men I meet on dating sites - it’s pretty much always the case that there was feck all or no sex. They put up with it for a while because of children and financial reasons until they can’t take it anymore.

Do you have much opportunity to meet people on nights out if tinder or ashley Maddison doesn’t work for you?

I think it’s not fair on the op to say he should have known better. If he wasn’t happy at the time he should have spoken up but equally if she wasn’t interested in sex or is asexual then she should have been honest and explained that to him before they got married. There are two of them it.

Also saying she has body autonomy only goes so far, she entered into a relationship with somebody where intimacy is normal and natural, even expected.

OP I think you are between a rock and hard place. Kids are involved too. Is an open marriage her way of shutting you up? It may well be OK up to the point that you meet somebody. Then there is what if others find out or kids find out or you fall for this other woman. You will be the bad guy. And let’s face it – its second best to a proper relationship with your wife.

It's more complicated because there are kids involved and there is housing  crisis what would you do if you broke up . Does she want to fix this or risk letting you go all together.  Is counselling an option? However if she is genuinely asexual, I think the wringing is on the wall.