Sex-starved marriage

The information the OPs has shared is that his wife is asexual, not aromantic.

Its also be pointed out, more than once, that they did not realise this until relatively recently.

Its possible she felt a romantic attraction to him, and thought the sex life would come later.

Asexuals are not incapable of feeling love, romantic attraction or having relationships.

I hope they consider talking to a psychotherapist who specialises in sex, gender and identity issues if they haven't already.

Not every psychotherapist is trained in this area.

shillyshilly

get out while you can man, a mis-match of sex drive in a couple is torture...

I was down to once every few moths with an ex, and it was a headf*ck.... I was made out to be a perv if I advanced ("as I wanted it all the time")?

But here's the even more headfuckery part.... if I didn't try it on, I got the "do you not like me anymore" treatment....

don't get me wrong, relationships ebb and flow, particularly over time.... but to me (and I assume you too) a partner without sex involved, is just a "friend"....

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119015618#Comment_119015618

People with unreasonable sexual expectations, involving another person, and who feel they have the right to voice their displeasure if their expectations aren't fulfilled, are a real problem. If you read what Op was saying you would agree that any expectations would be unreasonable.

Most women have plenty of experience of this while out socialising. Being approached by some tool with unreasonable sexual expectations and having to listen to them "voice their displeasure", often in the nastiest way, when told 'NO'.

Dial Hard

Is expecting a fulfilling sex life with your romantic and life partner unreasonable, though? Really??? I certainly wouldn't have thought so.

Honestly, though, the OP hasn't been back in a bit and I suspect he might not be. Given how much feeling this thread is clearly stirring, I don't think it would be a bad idea to lock it in the meantime.

put_the_kettle_on

OP might have been a bit overwhelmed by all the interest ? Or he might be pondering the different opinions. Either way, it's been very interesting.

spontindeed

Purchasing sex may be illegal but a friend with benefits isn't illegal in Ireland. The OP has has a sex-starved marriage.

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119021356#Comment_119021356

A sex life which is mutually agreed, voluntarily by both participants is fine. Expecting, or feeling entilted to sex from another person, spouse included, is not. It is grossly disrespectful and entitled. Nobody, not even spouses are entitled nor have any right to impose sexual acts or requests on the other if the other person clearly does not want that. That is coercion.

And will people stop suggesting sex therapy, counsellors and medical checks for the wife. She has said she is asexual. It is her sexual orientation. She does not want sexual contact with any other person, male or female. That is her right and it should be respected without question. If the OP doesn't like it, well he can either take it or leave it. I and most others here, and himself, are leaning towards the leave it option.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119022790#Comment_119022790

I think seeing a psychotherapist who specialises in sex, gender and identity / orientation matters would be of a very great benefit for them - not from the perspective of trying to "light a spark" but to help each of them understand what the other is feeling and going through.

Because even though the wife feelings have been pretty much ignored while she was being painted as an evil deceitful uncaring woman who trapped a man into a sexless marraige in this thread and doesn't give two **** about him, its more likely closer to the truth that this hasn't been easy for her either, to discover that she is asexual, and that hurts her partner, who (he himself says) she loves. She is also probably afraid of what a separation will mean - they got together young and have been married a long time.

A clear understanding of each other would help them towards an amicable separation, without resentment, if that is the path they decide its best to take.

miamee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119022790#Comment_119022790

It is very reasonable to expect a sex life with your spouse, especially if no alternatives have been discussed or presented before marriage and there was a sex life to begin with. However irregular sex was when the OP and his wife got together, it existed then and now it doesn't. It is not unreasonab le to wonder why and to ask if there is any way things could go back to how they used to be (however futile that might be). He has not suggested coercing or forcing his wife to have sex, he has asked how to handle the situation.

Still stihl waters 3

Of course sex is expected, is there anyone saying otherwise, I expect sex and all that goes with it off my wife and vice versa, anything else is just friendship, and if you can't ride your wife or husband there's little benefit to being friends as you wouldn't normally be friends with the person you married unless you'd built a sexual relationship originally, hence the marriage

victor8600

And will people stop suggesting sex therapy, counsellors and medical checks for the wife. She has said she is asexual. It is her sexual orientation.

I agree with you in that she should not do a medical check or a sex therapy for the sake of someone else, even for her husband's sake. But she should do it for herself. Really, I would recommend health checks and sex counselling to everyone.

Some people may be avoiding the physical intimacy or not having the full benefits of it because of some physical or psychological issue that can be fixed. The wife may consider herself asexual, but what if she has not yet discovered her true sexuality or even some kink that may give her pleasure?

Of course, she should come to the decision to seek help on her own terms and at the time that suits her. This may mean years in the future, and in the meantime probably the best advise for the OP is to separate. I don't believe that occasional motel sex meets would be enough for the OP, and having a girlfriend while living with the wife and kids is difficult.

CreadanLady

No i disagree fundamentally with sex being a expectation or entitlement, even in a marriage. I think it is something that must be mutally agreed on a compeltely voluntary basis without one badgering the other into it. And yes, repeatedly suggesting counselling, hormone checks, and the like is badgering. The woman has stated her position. All these suggestions of counselling and therapy and medicals are basically just attempts at getting her to change her mind and provide what it sought. That is both misogynistic and disrespectful.

So what if they had a mediocre sex life before marriage or at the beginning. She, for whatever reason, has over time decided that she no longer is interested in that with him, or any other man or any other woman. And that is her absolute perogative and right to choose without need to explain or justify it to anyone else.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119023090#Comment_119023090

Some of what you say there is true some is a bit silly. Most of it completely depends on the context and your blanket absolute statements aren't all that useful. If a marriage had an active and passionate sex-life and then one partner decides to change that they certainly owe the other partner an explanation. It's silly to suggest otherwise or to imply that the other partner would be wrong to have an expectation that the marriage continue to be sexual and seek to understand the reason why it changed. One partners expectation does not mean the other has an obligation to meet that expectation however, perhaps that's what you mean?

It's also more nuanced when talking about hormone checks, counselling etc. There are both medical and phycological/emotional issues that can lead to a drop off or loss of libido. A partner does have an obligation to encourage the other to resolve these issues, and to support them as they do. Just as a partner does have an obligation to maintain their own physical and mental health when in a marriage, especially with children.

Conversely no one is obliged to go against their own sexuality or tolerate hector and emotional blackmail to appease the desires of their partner. Both these facts are true simultaneously and are why this is a much more complex issue that your reductionist blanket statements describe.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Okay the thread is going around in circles now. OP, you have plenty of advice to go through which I hope is of some help to you.

I'll close the thread there in the circumstances but if you want further advice and need the thread reopened just PM one of the PI mods who can do that for you.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer advice.

HS