Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

RabbleRouser2k · 10-03-2022 11:52pm

Had my first online therapy session today.

I think the counsellor was just trying to get a handle on me, before really delving into my issues. Covered a lot of the bases. I made arrangements for a follow up session in about two weeks time.

Much of it's going back into my childhood. There's been some issues that I don't know if I've dealt with, or didn't want to deal with. Much of it probably 'triggered' (an overused word) by everything that's happened.

It feels selfish to discuss my problems, at the moment. Therapist mentioned that I should practice forgiveness. Easier said than done.

RabbleRouser2k · 18-03-2022 7:07am

There's this weird feeling I get, every so often. Like this sort of anger, guilt, and sadness that hit. All mired together.

I know this sounds odd, but there's this guilt that I'm mourning one and not the other, I'm not crying, but feel this genuine emptiness inside me at times. It's one I haven't felt for so long. Usually, at my lowest, I feel something like anger, or hating myself, or being snappy. None of them lasts that long.

Nowadays, I'm just hollow. I don't feel anything. If I smile, I feel guilt. Unmotivated guilt. I tend to try and make people feel better. But it feels hollow. And if I don't do something, or make people feel crappy, then I feel worse.

It's odd. Reading the bad, tragic news stories (which are plentiful) gives me some kind of odd solace. Makes me feel bad, but reminds me 'other people are feeling like crap too', or 'they have it worse'. But then it creates more mixed emotions. Like I'm this horrible person, but I just want something to feel as crap as I do.

Night time is worse, in a lot of ways. It's like the dark of the night outside makes me feel darkness inside. It's odd. Usually I'm up and alone too, so I have more time to think. Never a good combo. If I try something to feel like the 'normal' regular me, it makes me feel like I'm betraying people. Still can't quite do the normal stuff.

It's weird, I don't have the energy, and then think I do. But I get distracted.

RabbleRouser2k · 24-03-2022 7:03am

I hope everyone has been well. Genuinely. It’s been quiet on boards these last few weeks.

Got a new puppy. Introduced him to our other dog. She’s taken to him. Given her some ‘pep’ in her step again. She was very… hyper when she’d see us. Very lonely. . Now with this little guy, she’s barking and standing up to look in the window.

There’s still this heaviness to everything. It’s still very raw. Even talking about stuff, feels like it happened last week. Grief is weird.

Gremlinertia · 24-03-2022 7:15am

Your last sentence had me nodding like a mad thing. Life has been just weird and tough for both my OH and myself lately so haven't been posting much, mostly because i cen't think of a thing to say or how to describe anything, there's just this inpenetrable grey drowning everything out.

RabbleRouser2k · 25-03-2022 5:23am

'Impenetrable Grey'... that's it. It's exactly it.

Like everything is meaningless. Somedays it feels like one may want to cry, but the body wont allow it. And that's the worst feeling. When it feels like one is not allowing the emotions out, when it couldn't be further from the truth. Something is holding them back.

Very sorry you're going through the rough times now too. Would rather the world was a happy place. But sadly, it rarely ever is. OR we con ourselves into thinking it is.

RabbleRouser2k · 27-03-2022 6:02am

Had a weird last few days. Been finding my OCD has been rumbling away in the background. And these last few days, had a serious feeling of hopelessness. Found myself almost crying a few times. Just this feeling of joy leaving my life.

It just felt, disheartening. Like a feeling of nothing matters. That bit where you stop enjoying a movie while sitting in a cinema, and then you're just sitting in a pitch black room but you can't leave. You're just trapped.

Gremlinertia · 27-03-2022 7:01am

@Silly Gilly don't post on thread again

Silly Gilly · 27-03-2022 7:04am

Banned - abuse not tolerated

I'll be in contact by PM later to duscuss

Gremlinertia · 28-03-2022 5:09pm

MOD NOTE posts deleted

RabbleRouser2k · 29-03-2022 1:10pm

I just want to clarify something. That trolling didn't bother me, so much as make me realise somethings I haven't quite explained. And if one person thinks it to be true, a few others probably do too. (And to paraphrase Bill Burr, anyone who tends to say nasty stuff-I pity them. It's just a reminder of another time when they weren't hugged as a child. When a parent ignored their cries. It makes you sad for them.)

The dog that had to be put to sleep- we'd tried many things to correct his behaviour. He had shown some worrying signs (tho never in relation to attacking another dog-no biting for example. But he was not friendly to other people) and there had been some incidents that meant we'd have to correct his behaviour.

We've had dogs that have had temper issues. Regular dog issues, biting and a few scrapes. No killing (one dog killed a magpie that was eating his food, others had habits of killing mice and rats, but no dog killing). We managed to correct their behaviours in a number of ways. Prior to this, their behaviours were 'dog' behaviours. No dog killing, no cat killing.

This dog was the exception. We'd tried everything from E-collars (not shock collars. E-collars emit a vibration, like a games controller or your mobile phone. Dogs don't like it, and it tells them where they're wrong-but it doesn't hurt) to muzzling. It's worked with another one of our dogs (she was prone to chasing cats, that stopped with e-collars) but with him... he just couldn't seem to shake this propensity to viciousness. He seemed to be deceptive, like he'd 'seem' to be better behaved...but he wasn't. Turn your back, and something would happen. He'd even break muzzles, so we'd replace them. It had gotten to the stage where he couldn't be left unmuzzled. But he wouldn't bite another dog. We never found any bite marks.

This incident shocked everyone.

SuperBowserWorld · 01-04-2022 11:14am

Back after a break from here. News even worse these days.

Finding it really hard to function.

Forcing myself to get exercise when I can. It makes a big difference. Also back wearing ear plugs which really helps my sleep. And big healthy breakfasts work. And lots of tea breaks. And pets are wonderful. Especially cats, they don't put you under pressure like dogs do. 😀 But they are all gifts.

Had a brief dip back into alcohol before Paddy's Day. Absolute disaster. Felt brutally depressed for days after. I'm done with it now.

Have a big family occasion to attend to on Sunday. Just going to get in, chat, eat and get out. No alcohol and no running myself down.

RabbleRouser2k · 01-04-2022 9:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118865065#Comment_118865065

The important thing is to recognise the issue and tackle it. If it's alcohol related, and you're trying to look after your mental health, then it might help to avoid it. Hydration helps enormously too. Water. Plenty of water. Helps with concentration.

I was in a similar situation to you, less than a month ago. There was a lot of alcohol present, but I avoided it like the plague. Stayed on tea and 7 up. Helped someone else was being teetotal that night too. Then grabbed some takeaway after. Wasn't easy, won't lie. Even one drink can just hinder.

It's good you're eating well. Breakfast, good meals. Avoiding the junk, it all helps.

SuperBowserWorld · 05-04-2022 8:11pm

Bit hyper today. Can't relax or focus.

A medical appointment I'd been waiting for has been postponed and now clashes with another medical appointment I'd been waiting for. What are the chances of that?

laoisgem · 05-04-2022 9:08pm

Murphy's law as they say. Are they telephone or physical appointments? I've an appointment in June with a mental health organisation and it's still over phone.

SuperBowserWorld · 06-04-2022 7:10am

Both physical.

Taking another break from boards.

Going round in circles.

Take it easy everyone. And hope you get some peace and quiet. And take time out for yourself when you can. Doing nothing is ok too. It's a crazy stressful time.

RabbleRouser2k · 06-04-2022 2:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118886959#Comment_118886959

I might actually help to unload on boards, rather than going off on your own. Either that, or keep a journal or a diary of how crap you're feeling, feel, and any worries you have. It can help. Sometimes writing things down helps us sort of see the unreasonable-ness we have with ourselves. (I know that's not a word, but haven't had coffee and can't really think of a better phrase).

Graces7 · 07-04-2022 5:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118827175#Comment_118827175

This is surely in these times ..well, normal and healthy are the words that come ( and I think you will take them the right way with your sensitivity) to see gray and darkness? To respond with an innate maybe unacknowledged horror and grief events in Ukraine...and yes fear that this will escalate? We would be callous not to empathise. Please be easy on yourselves? Bear wiith these deep reactions - that may not even manifest as the reality they are. Be easy on you. Please.

I am outside it all in many ways. The year before covid even when I was advised that at my age ( looking 80 in the face) with the CFS/ME even a cold could finish ,e as my immune system is down? Out here alone I went into a peaceful and total isolation. When covid arrived as I cannot tale vaccines? So the world passes by. But the pain and distress out there? Responding is part f our common humanity. The CFS/ME is worse the for many years as a result. Even when we are alone ? And ration news etc? That suffering reaches out . Drained here. Just getting up for essentials. And I understand and accept that the state of the world is ours .

I don;t analyse the past... There was too much abuse etc; and life is so short. Just do all I can and enjoy what I can. We are more resilient than we realise. Spoil yourself! And accept the grey. For what it is. The grief of the world. Not YOU

BingCrosbee · 08-04-2022 7:04am

Best of luck to all of ye. This thread gives a fantastic insight into the demon that is depression and trying to deal with it on a daily basis. I thank my lucky stars that I don’t suffer from it and life is but a short journey of bumps and knocks for us all.

SuperBowserWorld · 09-04-2022 12:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118888975#Comment_118888975

I'm back on but avoiding all the negative threads or saying anything negative even if it's tongue in cheek.

laoisgem · 10-04-2022 12:14am

Has anyone found any online services that they'd recommend?

RabbleRouser2k · 10-04-2022 4:23am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118905068#Comment_118905068

I've been using an Irish one, for my counselling. It's paid, but it's good quality, professional. (I don't know if I can mention it because it might look like I'm promoting them).

You can narrow down the therapist you want, so that you're working with a professional. Sites like betterhelp have been called into question because you may not get an actual professional therapist. You may just be paying to have a penpal.

Gremlinertia · 10-04-2022 4:43am

Rabble, feel free to mention it if you feel it's a useful resource

RabbleRouser2k · 10-04-2022 5:45am

There's this weird feeling I've been having since everything that happened. You know that feeling you have, after a bad flu, or a bad headcold, where you think you've recovered, but you're not 'present', you don't feel yourself, and you're waiting to feel normal.

That's what I've been feeling for weeks now. Almost 2 months. Like the skin I'm in isn't the one I'm meant to be wearing. It's a very weird feeling. Can't connect with people. Can't focus on my usual activities. It's frustrating, even in therapy, I feel like I'm not quite there.

(I've been using Fettle. They're an online therapy service, where you do zoom therapy sessions. They cost about 59 euro per session.)

Edit: Included therapy service.

Gremlinertia · 10-04-2022 6:42am

Shock and fatigue last a loooooooooong time, recovery isn't a linear process either or there wouldn't be any need for this forum! There seems to be this 'bounce back' pride that society has, look at any weekend newspaper section, such-an-such looks amazing following cancer diagnosis, such-an-such glows just days after having baby.. It's another unrealistic bs thing that annoys the living crap out of me..

Dempo1 · 10-04-2022 8:45am

I've followed this thread for a while now and some very difficult experiences many people are going through, I've rarely commented but have acknowledged the support people give each other and it's wonderful to see.

It took me quite a while to admit I need some help, some personal matters related to a journey I commenced in search for some information having spent 16 years in state care and partly the isolation over the past 2 years. I should also mention I was diagnosed with a Thyroid disease 4 years ago which had difficult side effects sometimes confused with Mental Health symptoms , I may be in remission for that challenge though but a long process to determine that.

I have a few dear friends and an excellent GP who detected I might be struggling Two months ago and she's reffered me for counselling recently (I had to opt in and have done so but could take 6 weeks) . She asked me to take a week to consider medication (I'm old school and nervous of medicines generally).

So my review took place on Friday last, quite emotional but she was incredible and supportive . So tomorrow I start on medication and she did say it will take few weeks to help.

I'm 54, always lived independently, faced many ups and downs and challenges in life and despite being brought up in state care and at a time you were literally on your own at 18, I had real struggles in early 20"s including brief homelessness, forged a successful career, travelled the world and purchased a small cottage in the Midlands. I've been engaged but an odd affect of living in care is the lack of ability to forge close relationships beyond a personal friendship, not easy to explain. I never thought I would struggle mentally, I thought perhaps, I was hard as nails.

It took a while for me to admit I need some help, it's a little overwhelming but, I'll try start this journey with positivity. Reaching out was hard to do and despite all the negativity in the world today and indeed Ireland, I've learned there's equally a lot of goodness & positivity to be found.

So that's my story, I've learned, I'm not alone.

SuperBowserWorld · 15-04-2022 1:32pm

In bits today. News and people's expectations and fakeness and shallowness driving me crazy. Worn out.

RabbleRouser2k · 16-04-2022 8:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118930767#Comment_118930767

I hope the weekend brought you some solace.

I don't know if it was just the weather, but I felt the same. Just tired. Went to bed around 5 pm, woke up at 10 am. I think the weather being odd isn't helping either. We got a good burst of sunshine and vitamin D the last few days, then Friday and Saturday were dull. And then rain.

Not fun.

Whenever I'm feeling the stress and tiredness I tend to just wallop a pillow, or get out of the house. Something, anything to burn up the energy. Even something like chopping wood has helped me. You sweat out a lot of emotions.

SuperBowserWorld · 19-04-2022 9:10am

Yep, exercise is really useful. Anything really and get out of the house.

Wanderer78 · 19-04-2022 9:42am

anyone any advice on having someone sectioned?

Gremlinertia · 19-04-2022 4:01pm

Hmm. In this era it's a suitably difficult process. If you are not directly related, next of kin or primary caregiver then you wouldn't have a chance.. I can't say much more as there isn't much detail in your question..

Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

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