Tired of life and trying

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 11:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872197#Comment_118872197

I would say I try to adapt , but I struggle. How do u mean mould yourself in to the person? Would that not mean your just being like them, just to make a connection?

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 11:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872140#Comment_118872140

Exactly, I know what's wrong and why.

But how, is the difficult question I just can't figure out. I feel as though I've gone down all routes, gone to my gp, seen by professionals, on the meds, joined groups/activities, accept 99% of invites that come my, put myself in suitations I know make me feel anxious to get over the fear.

I try and try, and I'm still stuck.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 11:57pm

I probably am too distant. I can't help it. And I don't know how to help it. I feel as though the only way for me to be less distant, if I had connections with others, but because I can't seem to do that in the first place, it's as if I'll just have to accept I am distant, and tbh that's feels really **** and cold.

the whole year inn · 03-04-2022 12:37am

Do you drink , would you ask someone to go for a pre drink before a work event, even if its just an hour before the event. I usually do this anyway and if someone asked me I am usually delighted.

I might come across as mean but are you putting all the effort in when it comes to your friend in another county. Can you not do a zoom/teams call once a week. Can you set up a games night online even if its just a game of chess or what ever you like. You don't need to be in the same room as her to talk.

I am nearly sure there is watch with friend feature on Disney/Netflix could you watch a movie together and chat at the same time.

A pet is great , could you speak with your landlord about a small dog/cat. Even if its just walk in the evenings and companion it will make a difference.

You are in a tight spot, but you will rally and it will work out for you!

CrookedJack · 03-04-2022 1:18am

I'm curious OP. When you go to these social occasions, or work functions, how do you act? Are you a wallflower standing in the corner? are you trying to make small talk only for it to fall flat?

Also, you mention you know what you need to do but need support - In an ideal world what would that support be?

Big Bag of Chips · 03-04-2022 6:28am

I was hoping she might more of an effort in contacting me, we had a good chat about it, and it just didnt change anything.

My hope was that they would try involve me a bit more since I confinded in them, didnt make a difference.

This seems to be a pattern. If you want to join in groups, you have to just join in. The person who joined your workplace recently has joined in, and has been welcomed.

I'm not saying it's easy. It can be very difficult to push yourself into an already established group. And some personalities find it easier to do.

How do u mean mould yourself in to the person? Would that not mean your just being like them, just to make a connection?

Yes, that's what it means! I don't think anyone is suggesting you completely change the person you are. But we all modify ourselves a little depending on who we interact with. I'm basically the same person. But I interact and react to my siblings differently to how I am with work colleagues. I interact with my work colleagues slightly differently to my best friend. The basis of my personality is always there, but you find sometimes you mirror the other. There's little in-jokes or reactions that work with one person, or group that means nothing to another. So yes, sometimes you need to sort of mirror what a person is putting out in order to make that connection. Again, I'm not suggesting you fundamentally change who you are, but modifying a little in order to make an initial connection is sort of what having different groups of friends is all about. So for example if you are part of a chess club, then the friends there will have specific interests and discussions and you might get on great with someone in particular. There's no point in carrying exactly those interests and discussion into your colleagues and expecting the same connection. Because it won't be there. So you find what the connection is in that environment. It could be a love for Dermot and Dave's Thursday bad jokes.

I'm going to make what might seem like a ridiculous suggestion, but it might also be something that works. Is there a Gaelic4Mothers&Others team near you? It's a great way of getting to know people, being part of a club and making friendships. You don't have to ever have even seen a football before to take part. If you're willing to go along and prepared to possibly make a fool of yourself with your lack of skills then it is a great way to be brought into a team of people. Lots of clubs will have social nights too or days out for games against other teams. Rather than drive yourself ask in the group if you could take a lift with someone. It is a social initiative. You're not expected to be a footballer. We have a team and the age range is over 25. Our eldest member is 51 and never kicked a football in her life. Not even in school she said!

I'm not dismissing how difficult it is for you. But your latest posts admit you're a bit distant. As adults if a person is distant we tend to think that's by choice, and respect that distance by not forcing the issue. Your problem is you're distant, but don't want to be. So it's up to you to try break that down. It's obviously something that's not going to be easy for you to do, but it's not impossible. I get the feeling you're a bit of a reluctant introvert. It can be very difficult to break out of that mould.

AndrewJRenko · 03-04-2022 7:22am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872076#Comment_118872076

One possible variation on this is to get involved in some campaign. It could be a charity group or political group, or even whichever political party is closest to your values. Start showing up for meetings and events. Take on the awkward job that no one else wants, maybe Treasurer, or whatever role would allow you to bring your professional skills to the campaign.

You will meet people who share your values.

Or find something that you were involved in during your teens, maybe Scouting or a sport, and volunteer as a coach.

Jequ0n · 03-04-2022 7:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872516#Comment_118872516

Do you know anyone else who suffers from your condition, and are you part of a support group? I know this still gets bad press but I feel like it’s become more accepted by society in the last couple of years. I’m in the same cluster.

I am very different to you, but I certainly know the feeling of not fitting in, and have to adjust my behaviour and personality around people which is very tiring.

Give it a go and see if people react differently if you adjust your behaviour slightly in order to fit in. It takes some time and you might not see instant results, so you need to keep that in mind to avoid that feeling of rejection that will drag you to a dark place.

Hannibal_Smith · 03-04-2022 8:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872505#Comment_118872505

OK, but what if the trying that you've been doing has been with a guard up, you can see how it might not work when it comes to building relationships. People can generally see when someone is being stand offish or holding back. And so that's the kind of relationship that develops.

What I'm suggesting isn't an effort. Well at least I haven't found it to be an effort anyhow and the results have been worth it. Its just a change of thinking. It's far more trying, trying to read everyone you meet and assess what about them is ultimately going to screw you over.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 10:34am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872612#Comment_118872612

Ya I do, I don't have anyone to ask!

Your not being mean, I never thought if that suggestion, I could try it I guess I'm just not v hopeful it'll happen cuz as I already said in my op, it's difficult enough to arrange a phone call...

No pets allowed where I am!

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 10:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872672#Comment_118872672

I use to be the one in the corner, but I haven't managed to overcome that and I don't really have a problem physically walking over to a group and try join in, obviously depending of I'm accepted but I would say I still would get anxious and self conscious. I can do the small talk, it's just after small talk.... I kinda feel caught like ... I dunno does my anxiety go into more over drive, but that's where it usually stops, at small talk.

In an ideal world I mean the kind of support you would get from a person who genuinely gives a ****, can understand the issue and want to see and help me do better.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 10:42am

Meant to add I do have the support from my MH team, I just find it really sad that that's where it's stops, that their the only ones I can tell everything that's going on with me. I know if I did open up to some people I would be judged, I know that from how they speak about others who have opened up to them. I know the kind of people I could open up to, their usually ones who have gone through some **** too. Others judge and pull away.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 10:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872915#Comment_118872915

A pattern from me is it?

But I do try join in!! I just can't seem to fit in! Yes your right that person does have the skills, and the confidence to do all that, I don't and I m trying, I feel that IV tried many times it still just doesn't happen.

I see what you mean by moulding, I would be one that would worry as coming across as fake or not genuine but I guess once im not too ott or try too hard.

I have actually join mothers and others before! I was going to join back again this year but the nights it's on I'm doing a different activity atm for 6 weeks, so after that I might join back again cause I know their always looking for people to join at any stage.

Introvert yes, but when I feel comfortable around some people or drunk.....(i don't depend on drink btw made that choice not to a long time ago) there's no shutting me up, I actually love company I think I've just gone a bit backwards a bit and hit a brick wall.

I do think your right also that some people probably do feel that I don't want to interact or build any kind of friendship.... It's just I don't have the skills to do it.......... And I'm paying for it.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 11:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872992#Comment_118872992

Not part of a support group no, and there isn't one around me.

I do adjust myself, I do try.... I dunno I'll just have to keep trying. It is tiring, it's lonesome it's ****, I'v just hit a brick wall. Maybe I'll put myself up again, it's difficult atm and hard to see how after all the times I try and still try.

gidisblog · 03-04-2022 11:02am

Getting tired of life or anhedonia is the unfortunate ordeal a lot of persons face in life. Some are able to shed it off and pick their spark in life again while others can wallow deeper in depression and if not we'll handled can even lead to taking their own lives. This shouldn't be your case. Remember the saying, no matter how dark the night is the morning must surely come. All you need to do is to take steps to overcome sadness and every pain that comes with. Whether you or your loved ones is in this boat I want to assure you that solution is near. The first step in taking care of sad person is recognizing there is a sad person nearby, it could be you or someone else.

Whoever it is you can take this step here to fuel healing and happiness will naturally flow.

Recognize there is a problem

Ask yourself is the problem worth spoiling my mood?

Ask yourself if worrying about it will bring solution?

Ask yourself what can I do different to male the situation better?

No matter the weight of the world don't let worries of the unseen keep you from playing the game. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 11:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873058#Comment_118873058

I definitely do come with a guard up, not as bad as before but I feel it creeping up higher again.

Yes I do try read people and assess them, iv copied that a while ago. There are times I can remind myself of this sort of thinking and try snap out of it. Coming from the environment I grew up in, that was the norm , that is what I learned. It's almost like trying to unlearn a language again. And that's what I must do, it'll take years probably but I'm aware it's something that must be done, everyday.

It's really hard and that's why I started this thread.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 11:09am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873479#Comment_118873479

That's a really helpful post, thank you. Am going to write down those questions, they have me thinking already ha.

Jequ0n · 03-04-2022 11:24am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873471#Comment_118873471

It’s the same for me. Every once in a while I reach the point where anger and frustration spill over and I become destructive, whereas you seem to despair.

We all reach this point sometimes but for most people it is probably impossible to understand or comprehend that feeling.

Keep trying, you will pick yourself up again. Keep in mind that most people will misunderstand you at times because they assume that everyone else is like them.

Ciara26 · 03-04-2022 11:30am

I just thought of 2 other items that cud help. I know someone mentioned gaa for mothers. I have done this( no kids and no talent) and was a blast. I also joined the chairty committee in work so I was involved in setting up events and meeting as many ppl as possible in work. In ur job, there may be more committees like social, D &I?

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 12:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873555#Comment_118873555

I have reached them before and got back up, this time has been a harder hit I suppose when I remember I'm the only single one and haven't managed to have any long term ones or anywhere near successful.

I'll pick myself up again I know I will, this time I just need some kind of push to get me going.

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 12:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873575#Comment_118873575

There is a social committee alright, I'll keep an eye out for any opportunities and try be open to it. Charity is a good idea as well. What do u mean by D & I?

Ciara26 · 03-04-2022 2:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873912#Comment_118873912

I just emailed the committee and asked to join or to keep my name on file. These committees tend to take any help. sorry D&I is diversity and Inclusion. It’s a committee that try addressing issues within the company. Most larger companies would have this. Again I say most not all

LilacNails · 18-04-2022 10:35pm

Found this weekend really tough.

Thoughts are in overdrive that things won't change for someone like me because of the crap circumstances I'm in.

Iv had little to no interaction over the weekend. Spent 90percent of it on my own. I did manage to get out for 2 long walks, got some meals prepped for the week. I just just feel so empty.

Anything good or healthy I try do, I do... But I'm just still left with that feeling of what's the point. What's the point of putting in this effort.

So many negative feelings, I just what to run away from them. I sit through them. At times I can move on, it's times like this I feel I'm drowning in them. I feel frightened.

Just needed to get that out of my system.

sporina · 18-04-2022 11:10pm

big hug,... honestly... please call the Samaritans - 116123.. you have as much of a right to be on the planet as anyone else.... and to feel like you wanna be here.... there is always hope - talk to someone.. make an appointment to see a GP.. be good to you... be gentle with yourself.. please call the number.. big hug.. really.. S xxx

sporina · 19-04-2022 5:26pm

i hope your OK OP..

RojaStar · 22-04-2022 4:08pm

Sorry you're struggling OP, lots of great advice here.

Just something that struck me when someone mentioned that other people may join groups just for the love of it, well I would say that that's actually the best approach when joining any group and if you make friends out of it, bonus. The idea of joining a "social" group just to make friends would be my personal idea of hell.

My advice would be, get passionate about something. Anything! Try different things until something sticks! Whether it's drawing, running, hiking, cooking, cycling, whatever. And then maybe you can connect with a group from there. It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful connections, just people to meet for coffee initially and who knows where it can go from there.

LilacNails · 20-11-2023 10:39am

Hope its ok to reactivate this old thread...

Unfortunately Im still feeling like I'm still in this boat, however, a few things changed Im in a different career and new house share, still in therapy tho but dont go as often as I use.

I managed to join 2 social groups since, still going to these as I know and do have to keep pushing myself. Im still going. I have seemed to have been ghosted by a long time friend, tbh I feel as though I may have been bringing her down, tho I always would have said to her Im conscious of this and always appricates the listening ear and her time. She is in a different life stage to me has kids and lives 2hrs away. My other friend is getting married again she lives 3hrs away and her friends in that area are all getting married as well.

I guess I'm bringing this thread up because....this sounds so ott on my end, but I got talking to a guy on Tinder and I like him. Heres the thing, now its only been 1 week of texting but my anxiety is off the wall. Iknow I know I need to chill out, but I just cant. I need some words to help calm my mind down and come back to reality. Or hear from others in a similar suitation.

This guy has made a good impression on me, hes consistent, doesnt drink or go to pubs, has a career with helping people...he comes across as kind and caring. He has texted/VN every day, However, Iv noticed he talks about himself alot. Like I'll tell a story from my day etc and most of the time he doesnt acknowledge it.....

This is a red flag isnt it? Because of his career I get the impression his ego is at 90 at times. I dont mean to be judgemental, its something I always watch out for. I feel as though Iv painted these amazing pic of him i my head and hopong for the best....

I also feel I wouldnt be good enough for this guy. He speaks intelligently, seems smart and grounded. Im struggling in college, depressing freinds and family situation and has emotional issues!

Ugh... sorry my thread is fairly sad, would appricate any thoughts and advice.

Goodigal · 20-11-2023 4:50pm

Hi. Sorry to hear your anxiety is still overwhelming you. But maybe even writing all that down might have helped.

With regards to the guy, try meet him sooner rather than later, in case when you do meet, he's not the guy for you. Then you'll feel less stressed out. You're making a lot of assumptions about him and you haven't been in his company yet. He might be good for you! Never think you're not good enough for anyone. We all bring different things to the table 😊 Plus in my experience, men do like to talk about themselves a lot! Living with 2 boys, I see that even now! Arrange a meet for a coffee and see what happens.

Keep going to your therapist, and the groups you've gotten involved with. Try not to be so hard on yourself OP. You're doing your best.

LilacNails · 24-11-2023 9:57pm

So that guy has ghosted me!

I was getting the impression he was just passing time, kept talking about himself...and sending me selfies...through whats app.

He will meet sometime soon but hes up the walls and can barely breath, his course is so intense etc. I said Im not a big texter or like to text weeks on end and would rather meet see how things go and take it from there, also said I dont mean to out any pressure on. And ya, no response since.

Im so fed up. How and why do I keep meeting these guys. This is the 2nd one I had some hope for,constant texting, coming across interested and what I thought were genuine.

YellowLead · 24-11-2023 10:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414037#Comment_121414037

But that is where you are going wrong. If. A guy is pushing himself constantly texting, he’s not for real. He’s just passing time for fun/flattery. Everybody knows to build something real you have to take it slow. Stop giving your number to people you haven’t met.

Tired of life and trying

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