Tired of life and trying

LilacNails · 31-03-2022 8:33pm #1

I don't know where to begin, but all aspects of my life are dim and sad.

In my 30s now, single, all but one friend have moved to different counties and all have partners.

Throughout my 20s its been up and down - 3 short term relationships, various jobs, applied for college twice and failed to get the course. (Re applying this year again though it fills me with dread at this stage). Distant and unhealthy relationship with family - I wont go into details as its too long, its more benefical for me to have nothing to do with them as they drag me down and are the most negative people I know. They have done alot of damage to my confidence and esteem - they are partly to blame as to why things are the way they are for me

Iv done the whole join clubs/activities - meet people with similiar interest/age - it just doesnt seem to work out for me. Either people join with friends or some few end up having more in common and me just being left out. Iv tried so many times. Iv done so much on my own. Alot of travelling, sports and other social outings. My new job I started in last year I seemed to have missed the boat on developing any friendships there.

I find the evenings and weeks in general so long. I honestly thought at this stage in my life I wouldnt still be coming home in the evenings on my own and have no one to hang out or talk to. Friends are too busy. I opened up the my closest one, and tbh it hasnt made a difference. I was hoping she might more of an effort in contacting me, we had a good chat about it, and it just didnt change anything.

If Im being very honest, Im scared of the furture. Im scared that in 2, 5 , 10 yrs times I'll be in the same boat. It kills me when I see and hear of people talking about what they get up to at weekends, what their doing with their family and friends - the general chit chat about everyday life that I am so alien to.

I wish so bad I had a family to rely on, a handful of friends around me to hang out with. I feel Iv tryed so much, Im just so tired being stuck in the same limbo.

I have reached out for help, many a time to professionals ie councellors & therapists. Its ongoing work. The hardest thing is doing all of it on my own, still. Mornings , I just dread now as its a new day. A new day of being on my own , that feeling of being left out at work, that feeling of being unseen and not bothered about.

My post is long winded, I could go on but I hope you get the jist of it. I want to know if others are in the same boat - I know if I was reading this I would tell the person to keep going, keep trying you'll get there, like Iv said, Im just tired and sad.

Goodigal · 01-04-2022 7:29am

I really want to give you a hug after reading that. You poor thing. You're doing so much for yourself and yet you seem to be getting nowhere. Being and feeling alone are heavy burdens to carry. And having no family relationships is a big gap in anyone's life.

I think you are doing great with trying out the meet ups and going to counselling. If only you could click with a few people in work, I think that would really help you day to day. See if you can get a bit more involved with the work crew maybe? Open a few more conversations? I'm not in the same boat but hate to think of anyone in my office feeling unseen.

_gir · 01-04-2022 7:49am

I’m sorry for how you’re feeling OP, as someone diagnosed with depression I understand what you’re going through (not saying you have depression but see similarities with myself). Would you say the pandemic period has been especially tough for you or did these issues precede it and/or become worse during?

Big Bag of Chips · 01-04-2022 12:29pm

I opened up the my closest one, and tbh it hasnt made a difference. I was hoping she might more of an effort in contacting me

Why don't you contact her? Arrange to go to the cinema, or put for something to eat, or a play etc. I think sometimes, as adults, we make the mistake of waiting for someone else to befriend us. But if you want to be involved in friendships, or groups, you really do have to step forward. Instead of depending on friends or groups to include you, you suggest something. Most people are just the same as you. You might suggest something, and it doesn't happen for one reason or other, but let it pass and suggest something else a week or 2 later. I have a very good friend. We regularly arrange something and one or other of us has to cancel or the time doesn't suit or whatever, so we give it a couple of weeks and try again. I haven't seen her since Christmas (her Christmas present is still in the boot of my car, but it's only April 😉).

Friendships like any relationship take effort. And sometimes things don't come together but you try again. Being an adult in much different to being a teen, or even a student in early 20s where you friends are pretty much a constant, every day presence in your life. Adult friendships can often be tougher to fit around as there's just more going on in people's lives.

But, offer suggestions. Contact your friend asking her does she want to go for a bag of chips and a walk some evening. Your week is unlikely to be filled with events. But if you can arrange something even once a month with different people you would find things seem better.

You are not alone, though. An awful lot of people are in a similar situation.

LilacNails · 01-04-2022 5:54pm

That friend lives in a different county to me, almost opposite side of the country.

Iv tried many a time to meet up, the last 2 times she was supposed to call down didn't happen. I have been up a few times. It's not that simple to ring and just meet or plan something. It's always a 50 50 chance as to whether something we do plan falls through. The last few times iv tried to go to a concert or suggest I come up... There's usually plans already made with others or her partner.

I'm the one that always suggests a phone call. And the last 2 times they had to be re arranged for another day. It's just **** be on someone's low priority when u think u would be more important to them.

LilacNails · 01-04-2022 5:55pm

Big bag of chips - I meant to add....

Are there really so many other people in the same boat? I honestly don't think so, not to the extinct of my circumstances.

KaneToad · 01-04-2022 6:12pm

I think what you are experiencing is not uncommon. For that reason, your best bet is likely talking to a professional - insofar that they will have seen this many, many times and will have better insights than most.

That said, have you looked into volunteering at all?

https://www.volunteer.ie/

You will find activity to occupy your time and you will likely encounter people who are appreciative of your help. These positive interactions may lead to lasting relationships.

Liberty_Bear · 01-04-2022 6:55pm

Kane Toads suggestion of volunteering is a great way of both giving back but also meeting like minded people. There is a tendency as we get older to drift away from people and Im finding it too which is hard as I have just had to accept it as a part of life. Ive made other friends though. Meetup.com is great as well as there are a lot of activities from weekends away surfing, hiking, language exchange and everything else in between. Letting go of a friendship and accepting the distance is really hard but sometimes its an unfortunate thing we have to accept. I hope it works out for you though

01-04-2022 7:07pm

Hi LilacNails....... was sorry to read your OP.

This may sound totally off centre.....but have you ever considered a doggie???

Purple Mountain · 01-04-2022 7:20pm

Definitely another thumbs up for volunteering..

I'm a single parent, thankfully have great family, friends etc but often feel left out not having a partner etc.

I started to help out in child's sport's club. I was driving him anyway so rather than sit in car alone I started getting involved in supervision etc.

Getting to talk to other adults 2 evenings per week was lovely. The chats and feeling of community is uplifting and is a great stepping stone for getting back out into the world and breaking the ice.

Purple Mountain · 01-04-2022 7:20pm

Double post

Hannibal_Smith · 01-04-2022 7:22pm

Either people join with friends or some few end up having more in common and me just being left out.

My new job I started in last year I seemed to have missed the boat on developing any friendships there

I wonder whether because you've learned to distance yourself from family from an early age, you learned to distance yourself from other relationships without even noticing. It's like you anticipate people will show their true colours eventually so maybe you either don't invest in it or when you do the first sign of them revealing their true colours you back off.

I could be totally wrong, but it just sounded familiar. I would have a rough relationship with family and would have described myself similar to you re friendships etc. In recent years I've tried turning MY behaviour around so I cut others some slack and have forced myself to keep in touch with those I care about regardless of who texted, phoned or suggested meeting up last.

Others may have bonded in work, but you still have time to build a relationship with them if you want to. A cup of coffee on your break, asking them about their day, weekend, plans. Listen and pick up from there and you'll find common ground somewhere.

Daisy78 · 02-04-2022 1:57pm

Definitely lots of people in the same boat. I'm in my forties and almost all of the friends I currently have I made in my early thirties. For various different reasons I had to start over once I reached my thirties, it wasn't easy but it's certainly not impossible. I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be when you are doing everything right and not reaping the rewards. It's not uncommon for someone to find themselves in their mid thirties with a diminished social life due to friends settling down and not being available due to other commitments.

You mentioned that you have joined up to a number of clubs/activities but nothing has really come of it in terms of broadening your social circle. I think quite often people will join with the sole intent of partaking in the activity itself and don't see it as a vehicle for meeting other people. Not always the case and it can be dependent on the activity, some provide more of an opportunity for socialising than others. There is a reason you see Meet Up and Girl Crew mentioned here so frequently when these type of posts appear, generally speaking the people who join and partake in these groups are actively looking to meet up with others and expand their social circle as well as having an interest in the activity itself. So that might be a good place to start?

Secondly I think location has a big influence here, again bit of a generalisation but I think you are more likely to meet new people in an urban area than if you are located within a rural setting. Meeting other single people of a similar age and mindset is a challenge in the country, you are more likely to encounter a greater mix of people in the cities and larger towns. I have friends who have in the last couple of years moved out of Dublin and have found it difficult to re establish themselves into the community and find themselves reliant on partners friends for socialising or arranging to come back to Dublin on a regular basis to meet up with their existing group of friends. Is this perhaps a factor in your case perhaps?

I agree with the poster above who said that you may need to be more proactive in reaching out to people. And by that I mean "new" people you encounter rather than your current friends. You have to create opportunities for something to develop, which might not happen if you wait on others to make the first move so to speak. If you feel a connection with someone there is no harm in extending an invite for coffee or a walk or whatever. Finally whilst I would never recommend that someone get a dog to cure loneliness (they are a big responsibility and you should only consider getting one if you can provide it with a good home), they are an excellent way to meet with people. There are lots of dog walking communities out there and it's a lovely way to meet and get to know people.

I hope things work out for you.

Purple Mountain · 02-04-2022 5:08pm

I'd also suggest having a chat with your gp, if you haven't in a while.

Maybe explore if you need medication in addition to the counselling?

Ciara26 · 02-04-2022 5:17pm

It’s horrible feeling and I totally get it. Esp when u feel like u have tried. Think sites like meet up is grt, u may not make life long friends but u can have fun nites out.**Mod Snip**

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@ciara26 Please do not suggest exchanging PMs - it is strictly against the Charter in PM/RI. Anyone who receives a PM on the back of a thread here is asked to report it

HS

ofcork · 02-04-2022 6:22pm

I think a lot of people are in the same boat im a 50 yo male single all friends married etc,i have to make the effort all the time to try have nights out its tough at weekend especially i find.

Ciara26 · 02-04-2022 6:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870874#Comment_118870874

Apologies. Won’t happen again

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 9:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118864186#Comment_118864186

I'v already made a few attempts trying to see if anything might take off in work, I went to the christmas party alone, I was invited to a bday party went there alone...there was a drinks thing after work went to that alone aswell. When I say alone, I didnt have anyone to share a lift with, arrive or sit with like the rest had. I didnt really want to go to these things, but I did cause I know I have to make the effort and if I want to make friends and feel part of the group. I dont know is it cause Im still maybe seen as the new one maybe, the ice hasnt been broken when I feel it kinda should be at this stage.

Another person started a few weeks back and they have fitted it alot more than me in such a short space of time. TBH I feel theres a click there, and im just not "good" enough to be. I did mention to one person that at times I found it hard to join in or be part of the place at times, my hope was that they would try involve me a bit more since I confinded in them, didnt make a difference.

I know theres the saying, work friends are not your real friends, maybe thats just all they will be work "friends".

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 9:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118864212#Comment_118864212

Thanks for your comment.

I dont know has it become worse cause I havent worked with as many people in the one room before. I always the social aspect of it , I would find difficult I just guess now that I feel all aspects of my life are not so great, it doesnt help. I do feel, like most people that I lost 2yesars of my life, and maybe if those 2 years were just normal, maybe today I might have been in a better place. Its not a good way of looking at it I know, but its something thats crossed my mind a few times.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 9:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118867144#Comment_118867144

I have looked into volunteering before found there v little in my area, but I will look into it again as some new places/chartities might have different opportunities.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 9:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118867389#Comment_118867389

Im renting, no pets allowed but I see where u were going with that! Would love one some day, but not atm.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 9:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118867456#Comment_118867456

You are on to something there re: having learned to distance myself from family. I was thinking about your comment, and made me realise not only did I gone up in such a distant family, but having seen and being in that kind of envoirnment did not help social skills/creating connections with others, cause I never did or learn to at home. I grew up seeing all my family being distant from one another, from me, vice versa.

I do always feel that for some reason, others will show their true colors and hurt me, or they end up seeing something wrong with me, and in turn distance themselves.

Its such a mess.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 10:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870187#Comment_118870187

Thanks for your post.

There is a new social group starting in my area, well Iv been to 2 out of the 3 meet ups so far, so Im planning on keeping that up. Your v right in regards to people joining some activitites , just for that alone and not so much to meet other people. And thats fair I think.

Where I live isnt too rural, yet it is kind of small. I mean what I think is that most living here, are from here and already have there friends, where as in the likes of cities there more opportunities to meet others as alot would be in the same boat, looking to make friends, if that makes since?

I love where I live, Im v lucky, if I can have a positive experience in this new social group it would be great.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 10:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870835#Comment_118870835

Iv that area explored already.

SCOOP 64 · 02-04-2022 10:04pm

It seems reading your posts you know what's wrong, suppose you need to change your question is how ?

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 10:05pm

I appricate everyone who has posted here, its nice that some people can understand and see these kind of difficulties and dont judge.

Jequ0n · 02-04-2022 10:17pm

Would you describe yourself as adaptable or struggling in this regard?

I find it very easy to make connections and build rapports but it’s because I mould myself to the person or group. It sounds like others might be doing the same but you are being left out, so maybe thats something that is creating a barrier?

Hannibal_Smith · 02-04-2022 10:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872110#Comment_118872110

It doesn't have to be a mess. Don't give up hope. The key is realising that the environment you know isn't standard and not everyone behaves the way your family did. It's taken me a long time to realise that a lot of people actually grew up in supportive, healthy environments and they are not out to screw you over. They're just getting on with their day the same as you. Honestly if you let go of the negative anticipation and just enjoy someone else's company it really does make a difference.

02-04-2022 10:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872083#Comment_118872083

Yeah, tisnt an option for all.......but you caught my drift......my ol pal, Buster, goes everywhere with me...... he's a bit of a legend.....never a day has gone by that I don't get a 'kick', a 'lift' out of him. You look after yourself & I hope that " new social group" proves successful....Best of luck.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 11:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872252#Comment_118872252

That's lovely, dogs are the best company... Their love has no end. Thank u, look after yourself also.

LilacNails · 02-04-2022 11:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872205#Comment_118872205

But it feels like a mess, realistically it feels like it is.

I have learned that my family environment wasn't standard and healthy, and that not everyone has that. I know that. I know all that, that's why I feel so **** cause I keep thinking how am I suppose to survive and be a strong healthy human? I've looked into this for so long, like I said in my op, I'm tired of trying, I'm tried of having put effort into many things that could benefit me, still haven't. I've been trying for 10 years.

Tbh I feel as though things are so crap that people just don't believe me or get it. I just so stuck. It's like I'm in quicksand and I need someone to throw me a rope to pull me , cause I can't get out with no support.

Tired of life and trying

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