Tired of life and trying

LilacNails

I thought we may have been on the same page re dating. He asked me what I was looking for, which is ideally a relationship...not ons or time wasting, he said he was looking for the same, looking to take things slow.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414148#Comment_121414148

Yes but if course guys will say that. Doesn’t mean they want one with you. Being too into you is a big red flag. Once you learn that, you’ll be less likely to end up in these situations. You absolutely should NOT be getting remotely invested when you haven’t even met somebody.

looksee

You are evidently looking for a partner but at the moment no one has clicked. Can you look at your life and see, at least for the short term, the positives of being single? You do not have to have a partner, but you have to recognise that being single is not any sort of failing on your part. Can you stop stressing about it and just do your own thing? You are organising a social life for yourself, go out and enjoy the company you find, but be an equal partner in friendships - you have to encourage them along, people are not for the most part looking at you and judging you, they are too busy with being concerned with themselves. It takes time for a friendship to develop, once you have left school/college, give it time to develop.

When the people you know settle into a routine relationship with children and mortgage, your freedom to do as you wish may look very attractive to them. There are pros and cons to almost every situation, keep looking for the pros in your situation!

The guy you were texting with sounds like small loss, texting with someone on Tinder isn't a very solid basis for a relationship. No harm in doing it but don't allow yourself to get too invested in any of them - you were doubtful about him from the start.

Try not to allow yourself to keep count of disappointments and mulling over past problems. It didn't work, ok its gone, move on. Doesn't matter whose 'fault' it was or whether you should have done something different, put it behind you and think positive.

There is an element of 'fake it till you make it' about life, if you can come across as confident and content with yourself and your life, and take an interest in the person you are talking to rather than thinking about yourself and how you are coming over, other people will see you as confident and content and be more responsive than if you express your own anxieties in the early stages of any friendship.

LilacNails

Yellow lead.......Ya ur right.

I was reading and taking things as gospel truth. I guess I just really want to meet someone and not feel behind. Its taken a knock to my confidence. I know it all sounds a bit intense, perhaps this is a realisation I need to take more time out and to myself.

Lesson learned. Tinder account deleted. Not going out of my way anymore to meet someone.

LilacNails

Looksee

Thanks for your lengthy response.

Iv been single for quiet a while and thought by now I would have met someone. Its hard, all friends and those around me have partners.

Iv fallen into a rut and I was bit silly and vulnerable to have got my hopes up so easilyand quickly with this guy. Sometimes I like to think that oh maybe Iv finally met someone, I'll believe everthing they say and think they are being genuine. U culd say I have become that desperate.

Iv been working on my confidence for a while, but Iv now deleted tinder caused its definitely had a knock on me. I wish I didnt get knocked so easily.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414912#Comment_121414912

At least you’re becoming self aware 🤗Give yourself a break. It may seem everyone around you has everything but many don’t, you just don’t notice them.

RiderOnTheStorm

Hi Lilac Nails (cool name, btw). I just read through the 3 pages so far, and I really feel for your situation. There was some great advice along the way, and you seem to know what the problem is, but change is hard, and sometimes its actually beyond ourselves to change some things.

But ..... good news .... It only has to work once, and one thing will lead to another etc

My (useless?) piece of advice is to not compare yourself to others. Dont look / listen to what they were at for the weekend, etc. People portray a best version of themselves and its impossible to keep up. As the song says "do not look at beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly" Baz Luhrmann . Another person not to compare yourself to is .... yourself! Dont tell yourself that 'I should have had X by this stage' 'I thought I doing X now' etc. I used to do that, and its harder to do this than stop comparing yourself to others (as we are our own worst enemy sometimes!). I found the book 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl very useful and I pick it up and re-read it from time to time. Its a true story of a man in the WW2 concentration camps who learns that there can be happiness in any situation. From that book is a great quote "A man who has a 'why' will find a 'how' ... "

Last quote (I promise!) "When you are going through hell ... keep going" Michael Cane (?)

I really hope you find to be happy :-)

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873379#Comment_118873379

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/happy-trails/202209/why-people-probably-you-more-you-think

watch out for that^

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121432621#Comment_121432621

Dont tell yourself that 'I should have had X by this stage' 'I thought I doing X now' etc. I used to do that, and its harder to do this than stop comparing yourself to others (as we are our own worst enemy sometimes!)

That is a tough one though as once you start getting up to say 35yo+ by then you need to be hitting a couple of milestones or you do start getting ruled out in life. Even just finding a SO.

You can start saying to yourself that you are where you are and thats OK but from OP point of view thats only gonna make things worse. But it is OK OP if you are OK with it. It's however you look at things.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414912#Comment_121414912

Did you check the backgrounds of the MH people you see? They could be faker than the guys you meet on Tinder.

Where did you originally meet these friends of yours that are disappearing? Work? Never have I met a more useless subset of people to try and build a friendship with than people Ive worked with.

What course do you keep getting turned down for? Is their no alternative way in? Springboard? Or are you happy with new career?

what county are you in? Sign up for the biggest parkrun and start sticking your nose in to all main roles in that. (not the marshall roles, no good for you) It's every saturday which is the good part for you. Introduce yourself to the core team there.

mrslancaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414912#Comment_121414912

You said you've done the whole 'join clubs/activities - meet people with similar interest/age' and it hasn't worked out for you. That sounds tough, it's hard to keep trying and feel like nothing changes for the better but maybe 2024 will be the year.

You didn't say what kind of clubs you joined and perhaps you just haven't found the activity that is best for you yet. Would you consider trying again? Maybe a short course in January, something that is fun and easy-going, not too taxing or involving too much commitment or expense. Most community colleges offer a variety of short adult education/hobby courses at a reasonable cost, 6-10 weeks of one evening or afternoon per week. Generally the participants are local or live near the college, and some may also be hoping to make new friends.

It depends where you are located of course, but a beginner/speciality cookery course is a great way to meet new people, learn about other cuisines, good fun and the only expert in the room is the instructor so no need to feel nervous, anxious or intimidated because everyone is a beginner. They are usually short courses so there's no on-going time commitment and new recipies from different world cuisines are a great skill to have and share with others.

If cooking is not your thing, how about gardening, ballroom dancing, photography, creative writing or geneaology? These courses just provide an introduction but they are enjoyable and will not cause any stress and no study involved. I know someone who signed up for a wine appreciation course a few years ago. They learned a lot about wine - whats good/bad, different wine regions etc. They made new friends and still regularly meet up for wine tastings, meals out and other social activities with the group. They highly recommend it, said it was great fun and had a very relaxed atmosphere. (It wouldn't be for everyone though as there's alcohol involved).

Don't be so hard on yourself, nobody has it all figured out. Baby steps.

blackbox

1. You're just as good as anyone else. Probably better than most.

2. Everyone is different.

3. You don't need a partner. You may or may not want one.

4. You don't need to fit in - especially if you have to make yourself different to fit in.

5. What other people think doesn't matter except for people you really like and trust.

6. Find the things that make you happy, even when you are on your own. I found listening to blues music to be great when I was down.

Daisy78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539651#Comment_121539651

I’m curious. Why would someone be ruled out as a prospective partner if they are over 35? You can meet someone at any age. I accept it’s more of a challenge but I can’t see why you might be dismissed out of hand if you were over a certain (and relatively young) age?

LilacNails

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539651#Comment_121539651

Thanks for the reply. With the 1st link you provided, I completely get it, however growing up the adults I was surrounded by were very harsh, critical, judgemental of others , and eachother. Of course Iv grown up thinking, this is how.others think, and I use think that way too. I obviously know its wrong and really ignorance... but I automatically think people don't like me, because of what I was hearing from the grown ups, growing up. But I do feel I am catching when I think these thoughts, I think it's just a long process I have to go through. And tbh they will always pop up now and again.

LilacNails

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539694#Comment_121539694

Ya it's hard because that's what always gets suggested, join a club etc..... it doesn't always happen that easily. I find most people join with someone or already.know them. Sometimes those on their own are left out. Like one club I.joined for example there's a few sets of sisters , and they all get on like a house on fire... cause its easier for them and I guess.more in common. I'm on a right downer. I join ones I have the interest in! But ya I'll always join, I love learning. I believe it takes a good few goes, hopefully I'm getting closer to one I'm truly happy in and part of.

LilacNails

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539720#Comment_121539720

Thanks for your input.

One thing I have to pick on lol.... no 4, I might enjoy need to fit in but as social beings the desire and need to 'fit in/belong to ' is and always will be there. Its a natural need. My need for that us so bug because I didn't get it from home, so outside of home I feel as though I'm on 'high alert' for the opportunity to fulfil this. It's hard to explain, not sure do alot of.people get it. But I can say, I love company and the sense of being part of and belonging to something.

Trying to get more.into listening music to lift my spirits. I usually listen to self help podcasts but they keep me stuck on a loop for a while.

YellowLead

https://www.eventbrite.ie/o/korina-duffy-ecofitness-connect-through-movement-66357996033

There are singles hikes and events that are actually brilliant for making friends. I don’t think any couples or only 2 maybe have come out of it so far but so many people have made friends. The hikes themselves are grand but the real benefit if you get added to a whattsap group then, and there are local groups too. So somebody says anybody fancy a hike in x location at x time and usually 4 or 5 people will be up for it. You’d never be without people to meet up with and all of them are lovely and in the same position - ie 35+ (there is also a younger section) with a lot of married friends and so everybody there has joined specifically with the goal of meeting new people - they’re actively looking for people to hang out with. And I do think a few more couples will come out of it as time goes on

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121542607#Comment_121542607

I dunno about the social creatures thing.

Half the people i pass every day don't even say hello and its like that all my life so its not our new digital fast pace hellscape existence that our useless leaders have created thats the cause.

We are tribal. Not social. And feck everyone else when it doesn't serve you is more like it.

You sure you actually want to meet these people or just think that that is what you should be doing?

Your time be better spent trying to build your own tribe.

Breezy_

If you want friends. Facebook folk you grew up with.

LilacNails

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121545498#Comment_121545498

Do I want to meet people, or do I feel I should..... its both. I should meet them for my own health and progression in life, and want to because I can be sociable and like I said I do love company.

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547231#Comment_121547231

What are you like say tonight and assuming you're not working tomorrow. Are you happy to kick back with the TV and a toblerone? Do you like or love time on your own?

LilacNails

Ya I love those kind of nights too, and don't mind time on my own, I need time on my own to recharge.

It would just be nice not to come home every evening with no one to talk. No one to talk to about my/their day or just silly stuff. Even someone in the sitting room watching TV together with.

I'm in a house share with 2 others, but we don't do any thing together. We don't mix.

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121548074#Comment_121548074

Theirs that recharge word. Yea. I'm a little older than you. Similar past. I tried most of what you have minus the MH. Good luck to ya but I don't think it'll ever work out the way you want.

I work alone (but im out and about) and I live alone. The alone time use to bother me as I could go weeks and not speak to anyone and I use to think it shouldn't be like this. But I'm meh to it now. I really don't give a sh1t about anything now. You mentally stew on something long enough and it'll find it's place. Even xmas there. From Thursday to Thursday the only people I saw/talked to were my parents.

Are you irish? What nationalities are your house mates? all women?

Have you dated much? You mentioned it earlier and really it's your best bet. Not this unreliable friend sh1t. But not from the apps. You should be rocking up to 1 guy a day and starting conversations. Out in the wild. In the cereal aisle in Tesco for eg. That'll get you growing out of that comfort zone of yours. You'll be a new woman by the time you hit 20 conversations doing that.

You've about 9 hours till parkrun starts and I think theirs a special one on new years day in most places so you have 2 this wkend. I found that the best of the lot but I use to like running but you can walk it. You can be in and out of parkrun in 15 minutes or 2 hours. Race someone to the finish and pip them on the line and you have yourself a connection, an activity is better than most other things. You don't even have to register, just show up. You just won't have an official time.

Robert Jackson

Get a dog and a snooker table and you'll be fine

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121556230#Comment_121556230

Dog will keep you a bit healthier if you walk it. Won't help otherwise.

Dunno what the snooker table is for. Somewhere to throw laundry and stuff

tritriagain

Dog would help with stress and worry. If your a "dog" person.

LilacNails

Would appreciate helpful comments only.

Have a dog already, won't be getting a snooker table.

rolling boh

Would there something in the volunteering area that might suit to get you out with people that by what they are doing would suggest they are sound decent people ?.

LilacNails

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121557413#Comment_121557413

The ones I have most interest in are very far away, 30 miles plus...its tricky being in college full time, but I usually do keep an eye out for things locally.

rolling boh

I haven't read every post so maybe you have posted already but what actual interests or hobbies if any do you have ? somebody might have a suggestion if we knew exactly what you were into.

Idbatterim

Do you live in Dublin, a town or rural ?

LilacNails

Iv already stated Iv tried new things, many times throughout the years, ones that Iv had an interest in, and some with not much. Iv pushed myself, to where it doesnt bother me joining new things. But sometimes when u join groups, it doesn't solve everything. U don't always make friends. I feel I don't make friends because no.1 making connection is difficult for me, cause my family is so distant and emotionally abusive- I have issues connecting and maintaining friendships/relationships....because of this, I'm lonesome and feel different to people my age. It's as if the years go by, as I change and get help, things just don't change. Friends/people move on, no relationship with family..... I dont know what or where to turn. Iv given up jobs I'm miserable in, Iv taken the chance and gone to college to pursue a career I'll *hopefully love and manage. Iv been doing therapy for over 2 yrs, my therapist is currently trying to finish up with me cause its going on so long. Counselling since 18.

There's has been a few highlights in my life, but at this age and after all this time, I thought I would be further.

With the lack of support, people around me and .... esteem/confidence....I'm just at bit of a loss.

I ask that my thread is read over, cause it can be bit annoying repeating the same things...