Husband has occasional cocaine benders

Some absolutely crazy responses in here. I think the morality police in here would collapse if they knew how many people in their inner circle dabbled in Coke. It's endemic in Ireland and a "normal" part of a night out for many more than would ever admit it.

On a personal note I do think it's a pretty awful drug and can see exactly where you're coming from. I'm not sure what your describing is good reason to break up a marriage. You do describe having big problems with communicating around the issue of his binges though and it would greatly benefit your marriage up avail of marriage counseling where you have a "referee" to facilitate the discussion.

I think marriage counseling is under utilised with people often thinking it's only for those in the brink of separation. Couples get stuck on issues like this all the time despite what some of the previous responses would suggest!

Once a month is a bit much. Once a year leave him at it

are these his friends from college/going way back?

if he's not shagging hookers, and this a few mates getting together every so often for old times sake i dont see a huge issue cos it's gonna happen.

i would chat to to him, not about the frequency, but the severity of these binges. sort of 'go and do it, but you better be up in the morning for cricket practice'.

everyone still needs a life

My heart goes out to you OP. It’s a difficult position to be in. A few posters have commended him for being honest but it seems to me the problem is actually that he wasn’t honest for so many years and that you never had the opportunity to choose whether you were ok with his drug use or not. Now you find yourself married to a man who’s drug use is unacceptable to you, even though it’s occasional.

People have different understandings of what addiction is but a common definition is continuing the behaviour even when it is causing problems in other areas of your life, e.g. family, work, health etc. Consequences of your husband’s binges include not coming home to care for his children as agreed, being asked to leave his home by his wife, missing screenings for a serious health condition, and regularly not participating fully in family life for extended periods after a binge. Now maybe he doesn’t see these things as problems, but I can understand why they’re problems for you.

If you’re lying for him and covering for him after a binge, then you’re enabling him. Don’t do it any more. I’m not judging. I’m married to a person who had a drinking problem so I completely understand how you got there. You say your marriage is otherwise good but in my experience, if he is repeatedly putting his binges ahead of obligations like caring for his kids while you’re at work, you will grow to resent him, especially when you’re doing it all in secret.

I 100% recommend couples counselling. It saved my marriage. I had all but given up on the relationship when we started but I didn’t want to look back and think I should have tried harder. If you really listen to each other, it will allow him to understand why you’re unhappy about his binges and it will allow you to understand why they’re important to him. It will give you both a chance to compromise. And if you can’t compromise after that, you’ll know you gave it your best shot.

And please, OP, don’t listen to people saying you’re the one breaking up the family.

Go and speak to an addiction councillor in the HSE and ask them do they think your husband is addicted to coke and or alcohol. If your husband is taking coke once every couple of months I would doubt he is addicted. The reality is coke and other drugs are part of a lot of peoples nights out. I have lots of friends who are habitual drug users but are far from addicted and are taking drugs for the last 30 years. They live professional lives and some have families. I have some friends who’s wives know the score and others who have never told them they dabble. I would also go onto ask about alcohol website and there is a very good tool about alcohol dependency.

Drugs are bad news - A murky world most people want no part in .

Some here seem happy to excuse drug usage but most people prefer not to have to deal with the scum selling cocaine in this country !

I'd fond the fact he drinks minimum 2-3 drinks per night and more at the weekend as a much bigger deal than his cocaine use every few months. Your husband is an addict, to drink though. He's an alcoholic. Amazing though, this being Ireland that it's perfectly normal and acceptable to overlook that and view it as "normal" but a bit of cocaine very few months makes him worse than Hitler nearly.

I really think you need to get your priorities correct here OP.

I think he's way over the top in his behaviour as a late thirties married man with kids.

Sure we all need a blow out every now and again but drinking 20 to 30 pints every week then having a complete bender with cocaine thrown in every six to eight weeks is not / should not be normal for someone in his position. Ask yourself if he'd be happy if you did the the same thing. As a matter of fact ask him if he'd be happy to see you act as he does !! I'd also be very surprised as well if his cocaine use is as occasional as once every two months. To me that's a bit like telling the doctor that you 'only' smoke 10 a day or less.

Obviously the decision is yours but IMO you need to call stop right now as it's obviously affecting your life and that of your kids. I wouldn't go straight for the 'kick him out' phase but would insist on him attending marriage counselling with you so that he can see how much of an effect his behaviour is having. If he refuses or makes excuses then it's pretty obvious where his priorities lie and it's all going to come crashing down regardless. Only he can make the changes but he needs to know the consequences of not making the changes laid out bare in front of him. Stay strong and forget about being embarrassed. If push comes to shove people will rally around and are a lot more understanding than you think.

Hopefully he comes to his senses and sees what he stands to lose and you manage to put all this behind you. I hate to see any relationship break down but when your mental health is threatened and you're living on your nerves sometimes there is no option. Best of luck to both of you and your family..

It doesn't actually matter how common it is, whether he is an addict or not. We all know it's everywhere. So what? It's just his excuse.

The guy is leaving his wife in the lurch, humiliating both her and their children. She has to drop the children off with relatives when he doesn't come home from benders, so she can go out to work. Even imagining that kind of morning, I can picture myself getting embarrassed and ashamed. I don't know OP, if you tell those relatives what is actually happening, or if you are covering up for him too.

What sort of person treats their family like that?

Reading the responses on this thread defending that crappy behaviour is depressing.

OP if he is out till 5 or 6 in the morning, coke and alcohol are not the only worries. I would be worried where he is and who he is with. Considering that it has not been possible to be out in pubs or nightclubs for most of the past 2 years till past 11pm where does he go? Hooking up would be the first thing that springs to mind.

Yes he has a right to socialise. Nobody is disputing that. But he was supposed to be minding the kids the next day while she was at work and he didn’t get home on time or wasn’t in a fit state. If my partner did that more than once, I’d be raging. If it was the mother who was on a bender when she should have been minding her young kids while the father was at work, would you think that was fine?

Going on a bit of bender with alcohol every once in a while is fine but all you need to do is plan ahead and be available for friends when your family need you least.

Doing it knowing your minding the kids the next day then not really being in a fit state when present or some times not even being present is just being a dickhead, immature and selfish.

That being said the jumping to conclusions of cheating, massive debt etc is wayyyy over the top, I have often been out and ended up back in my friends house to watch sport etc that wasnt planned and got home in the wee hours 6/7 o clock ( thankfully its just me and my wife) but its a rare occurance but to insinuate someone is cheating without knowing anything about them is just off the wall.

Like I say, I could be reading too much into it, but she does mention that he's drinking seven days a week. So maybe it's not just a couple of times a year, maybe that's just when it's at its most obvious.

Maybe you aren't reading the thread, and the continued input from the OP. I'll sum it up.

I mean being bundled up in the mornings and brought to relatives houses when daddy hasn't shown up from his current session and mammy is going out to work. That's a crappy situation. It is stressful, humiliating, disruptive, and frankly a crappy example of a father. When that is the impact "socialising" has on a family, it's WAY too much. He's not entitled to do that, and that's is exactly what is being described here.