Husband has occasional cocaine benders

It sounds like he is a functioning addict if he has to go hard every two months. If you push him strongly enough, he should give it up because it just doesn't fit in with his family life.

Confront him with a proposition where he has to choose between the family life with you or the binges, that it is the ultimatum and if he finds it so hard to quit the binges then you know that he is an addict and/or isn't happy with his life with you. Don't fight him on it, just say that he can enjoy his binges if that's what he wants but you won't stay with him so it's solely his choice, you aren't stopping him go on binges, you just don't want to be with someone who is like that.

Can't say this is accurate. I know a few people who have dabbled with various drugs down the years, including similar, semi-regular use of coke.

Some are still using it, others have completely ceased using it. One guy stopped at about 39 when he had his first kid, another friend stopped using it at 41 because he was concerned about how it was affecting him.

That said, I still have some friends who use it occaisionally.

There are no hard and fast rules, a comment on a boards.ie thread doesn't mean that he will "never change". Many people who are seriously addicted to various drugs manage to get clean.

Why do you keep letting him come back. He's showing his weakness in these binges but you're showing yours in constantly backing down. He knows you won't stick to your word so he'll keep doing this. You can't change him but you can change you. Consequences have to be real for them to have any impact on him.

Im sorry your husband is a drug addict. That must be really tough. I've dated a couple in the past too. One about 12 years ago, then a girlfriend of couple years ago developed an addiction to medication she needed to take.

Its incredibly easy to soften our view on it, because we fear the consequences of acknowledging that truth. You've actually already fallen into that pattern already. I just want to make sure you are aware of it.

You say he is a good husband and partner when sober. You just separated him into two separate people. One that you think is the husband you like, and the other a husband that manifests when the drugs are present/used. No, you are attempting to separate them because acknowledging the addict as your husband one in all, is just a coping/escape mechanism.

You also are not sharing this with your friends and family, and say its to defend him from the bad judgements. Now you are covering up for him. You likely have shame and thats completely understandable. Its also likely a way to hide what your friends and family would tell you. By covering up his addiction, you are also now enabling him so be aware that you are already part of the problem. It happens very slowly, and feels like good intentions, but covering up for an addict is part of the problem. It allows them to continue it easier, and is obviously part of the enabling process.

If you are lying to your family and friends, i know its hard to admit, but you also need to acknowledge your husband is likely lying to you too. Its quite ignorant (and i mean that in the nicest possible way) to think that you lie to your family but your family is not lying to you. There are things going on that you likely dont know about, and even when they come out, it will be blamed on the drugs, or one time things, or not the real him etc. Its all part of the problem.

If you have provided ultimatums, which were healthy ones, and he 'worked his way back into us'.. no, you were not good enough at your boundaries and you have work to do in that area. He is meeting his needs just fine. He has a wife that loves him, supports him, covers up for him, and gets to go on drug benders to cover up his unresolved traumas and problems. She eventually always takes him back, and he gets to have everything.

Now listen op, I want to make sure you know i have nothing but respect for how hard you must have been trying so far. Im just trying to be as direct as possible based on my own experience. Both of my partners eventually recovered, one i have a strong friendship with, but both recovered long after our relationship ended and they had to learn to face the consequences of thier own actions. Protecting addicts from consequences makes you an enabler, and i know you have good reasons for it. People unfortunately dont change unless there is negative motivation to stop doing something harmful. Protecting them stops the learning process from occuring.

I wish you all the very best with whatever you decide to do or not to do.

I guess only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and whether you are willing to continue living like this.

I can’t see how the opinions of strangers online make a difference here. Sounds like you’ve been at this point many times but both parties always reverted back to their default behaviour. Ultimately only you can decide if you are willing to accept this any longer

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Warned for Breach of Charter

The purpose of PI is to seek advice and opinion from strangers online.

Some really OTT stuff in here. Your husband is not an addict, he enjoys doing coke once in a while, a ridiculous amount of the population of Ireland does these days. I have dabbled with most things over the years, coke does leave you wrecked the next day, or two even, if you go heavy on the stuff, so the older you get the more you should steer clear of it.

Would you be ok if he went out once every couple of months with his friends without doing coke? I understand you can have a problem with him doing illegal drugs but I would have no problem with my partner going out like this once in a while if they just got up the next days and got on with things as usual. Lying around moaning about it is not on, he's making his own bed here.

People going on about your house being burnt down because he does a few lines now and again, some people are so out of touch.

Cocaine will literally bring out the worst in a person over time - and turn them into a worser sociopath narcissist.

It is highly addictive and habit forming - and "not that bad" until it is. I've known a few brilliant people who gradually turned into wretched a-holes from coke. Coke also makes a person feel confident without being competent.

If his friends take it as part of their drinking sessions - he is probably influenced by their collective perceptions. This also means, unless they stop taking it OR he stops sessioning with them, things are unlikely to change.

I suggest you frame it as follows:

UNLESS he stops this, he is choosing a course of action that THREATENS your marriage over time SO you're better off minimising damage earlier and then ASK HIM what he wants more?

Sorry for your trouble OP. There are definite decisions to be made, I can't fathom the kids being near that. "Forget to come home" my balls!

The thoughts of a proper session every two months actually makes my head hurt - I think I'm lucky to get one a year (sans powder, never my thing) and that's probably a wedding. . . .with the wife in tow.

I do have a few passing friends that would be partial to a sniff (still living with mammy at almost 40 types), my kids will never meet them.

No, the OP said hes a great husband and father....... when hes sober!

He goes out on benders quite regularly and often doesnt come home and when he does it fairly useless for a couple of days. This absolutely isnt okay in his situation, regardless of if its coke or just drink or anything else.

To add to this the OP has said several times shes not okay with it and its effecting the family and marriage and he's done nothing about it. Everyone needs to blow off some steam now and again but this guy needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility and realize he's not the single party man his mates are.

OP time to lay it out flat that this isnt okay and is destroying the family, what he does with that will show you his character, although it seems hes already shown it. Last chance for this guy

A lot of stereotyping on this thread, OP. Don’t let the moral judgement get to you and try to focus on what you want/ cannot accept and take it from there.

Up and leave. You need to be ruthless. You've already warned him. Take the kids with you.

Every 2 months you're hoping he doesn't OD, have a heart attack or a stroke. He also directly or indirectly put himself, you and your kids in harms way when he does this. Also he is depriving your household when you need to pay mortgages, bills etc. And also taking money away from his kids???????????

Only return to him when he SHOWS you that he is willing to change. This maybe counselling and/or telling his and your family that he has been using.

You being a nurse having to put up with all the s**t over the last couple of year (worldwide virus). You don't need this as well.