Husband has occasional cocaine benders

rolling boh · 15-02-2022 2:14pm

I would say your husband's priorities are wrong here he is not a single man and has a family to consider . His behaviour for me is unacceptable and is not in keeping with someone with the responsibility he has .This habit he has will affect yours and the children's lives at some point . He could change with some professional help and he needs to engage with someone in that area .For him to stop you may have to force the issue .Best of luck .

LawBoy2018 · 15-02-2022 2:18pm

You would be crazy to turn your life upside down because your husband dabbles with cocaine one in every blue moon. Why does it matter?

He's a great dad, you're financially sound and seem to have an otherwise healthy relationship. Don't be stupid and ruin all of that for something as trivial as a seasonal night out with old friends (who happen to take cocaine).

Widdensushi · 15-02-2022 2:37pm

Since you have been in a relationship with him, married ten years so a long time, he goes on a session every two or you say every few months so five or six times a year and comes home at five or six am, i don't think is that big a deal, i presume there is the odd stag or friends birthday or something included in that, i don't think you should take any action on advice from a stranger on the Internet but i wouldn't go jeopardising your and children's future relationship with your husband over something he has been doing since you met him, especially as it doesn't seem to be escalating. The old saying "a man marries a woman and hopes she won't change, a woman marries a man in the hope of changing him" obviously that is a loose saying as situations, responsibilities change over time, but I do think it slightly applies, please don't rush away with some of the extreme advice that you have received on here.

LawBoy2018 · 15-02-2022 2:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634312#Comment_118634312

How is he destroying his family you nutter? The OP would be destroying her family by calling it quits because her husband occasionally has fun with his friends lol. Maybe the OP could negotiate with him and ask that he only takes cocaine once or twice per year, instead of three or four times per year.

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XsApollo · 15-02-2022 3:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634312#Comment_118634312

Read her posts.

you can spin it that way if you like.

or spin it this way.

great husband and father, financially sound and amazing with the kids and helps out at home and adored by his wife.

goes out once every 2 months with the lads.

Seems like they have a perfect relationship bar the fact that he goes out once every 2 months.

this is directed at the Quoted post and not the OP.

15-02-2022 3:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634689#Comment_118634689

Read the posts from the OP. Hes destroying the family because his behavior that he refuses to change or even address, has the OP questioning the relationship they have and in fact has already asked him to leave twice due to it.

We wont engage with her on the issue to even negotiate. If he did and they could come to a compromise then maybe it would help things.

seamus · 15-02-2022 4:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634673#Comment_118634673

As with most relationships it's a matter of expectations. If I go out drinking, my wife expects that I will arrive home at some point after the pubs close. That she will wake up in the morning and I will be there. And I may not be in tip-top form, but that I will, given a couple of hours, be back to functioning like a normal human being.

If a night out regularly turned into, "I am going out at 6pm and I may arrive home at some point tomorrow where I'm going to be in the house and getting in the way, but you can't really expect me to be of much use till after dinner", then that's not really cool.

But even so, if that's the plan, then that's the expectation that should be set. And if one partner is not happy with a hungover mess languishing on the couch while the kids are running around, then the one going out should be making alternative arrangements. "I'm going to stay at my Dad's tonight, I'll see you tomorrow".

Or not getting themselves into that state in the first place.

It sounds like in the OP's case the husband goes out on the promise that they'll be home at a reasonable time, but every now and again he goes off on one without notice and just doesn't appear. That's not cool. A phone call, a text, maybe? Even the self-awareness that his partner is going to be left holding the kids tomorrow and now has to change all her plans because he's decided he wants to get wrecked instead.

When you have kids, you don't get to just do whatever the **** you want. If you do, someone else has to pick up the pieces. If someone continually allows that to happen, then they become a millstone around their family's neck. It is far easier to be a parent knowing that it is just you looking after the kids, rather than having an unreliable fvckup making and breaking promises all the time. If that's the OP's relationship then she needs to consider if it's worth having him around, or if they'd all be better off in a position where he can go off and get fvcked up without making a balls of everyone else's day.

XsApollo · 15-02-2022 4:32pm

Nobody forgets to come home really.

I don’t think his actions are destroying a family , his wife might not like it, his actions in itself wouldn’t be a description I would use or many others to describe that as destroying the family.

His wife doesn’t like it, is now threatening to break up if he doesn’t stop.

she could be destroying the family because she can’t accept maybe he wants to go out every couple of months with his mates.

you say he won’t discuss it?

what’s their to discuss? Will a discussion change the OP’s mind that actually it’s ok then? Or is the discussion more to get him to agree?

is their any compromise from the op here? Or is it flat out he not doing that anymore?

maybe if he was home by 6am it would be ok?

Seriously it’s a bit dramatic the reaction.

everything seems ok bar the fact he goes out?

now if he was going out every weekend, disappearing , coming home like bull then 100% agree..

maybe he turns around tomorrow and says he doesn’t like his wife going out in bloody tight pants anymore, are her actions destroying the family then?

Is their any compromise on your part OP. Or do you just flat out not want him going out anymore?

Cobain · 15-02-2022 4:35pm

OK thing is he has a family history of a diagnosed heart defect and has lost members of his family due to this defect. He was attending cardiac screening in the past but was discharged by them due to disclosing drug use. Again I did not know this at the time. I only found out about the dabbling in coke last year and I was honestly shocked.maybe I was naive but I believed him when he said he had a few too many drinks and fell asleep in his friends place. There have been nights where he is out and I'm due to work the following morning and I'm stressing whether he will come back or whether he is capable of minding our kids the following day. I'm reading all the comments and it is helping so thanks for the input everyone.

Widdensushi · 15-02-2022 4:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635480#Comment_118635480

That's right seamus, kick him out, break up the family, make it so they are under financial pressure and can't maintain the same standards of living for their kids, or deal with a hangover a few times a year.......

shesty · 15-02-2022 4:47pm

Ah f**k OP, I couldn't cope with that.I've kids myself. It's not just "ah sure he goes out on a bender every so often, it's grand".It sounds like it is about every 8 weeks, he spends 1-2 weeks recovering,and the attendant stress that brings on you and your kids - you wondering can you go to work in the morning and will he be fit to mind kids, and the kids seeing him in that state.And on top of that the potential damage he will do to his health, and the potential bills he may run up, and/or what he might invite into your lives by way of trouble through his dealings with the drugs.

I mean yeah, it is easy for me to sit here and say break up with him, but at the same time you are obviously just not happy with what your lives have turned into.And everybody has their view on whether his activities are or aren't acceptable, but you and the kids have to live withthe consequences, so really it is down to whether you are ok with what he does .It doesn't sound like you are, and if that is how you feel, that's ok.

foxsake · 15-02-2022 5:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233024/husband-has-occasional-cocaine-benders

i'm probably a similar age as your husband (certainly in the same position - married a while / kids) and I do likewise every 6 /8 weeks. maybe 4am finish instead of 5/6am. 6am finish would just wipe me out the next day. This social activity alone isn't an issue imo

For people saying he is an addict - in the absence of other drink/drug issues - they are talking through their arses.

If it's not causing actual problems - let him have his fun with the lads. many men his age have little or no social outlets beyond their wives/families . It's good that he has this.

If it's the legality of drugs , then sure I can get why some may have an issue with this. I don't.

I guess this is where communication is key but I don't see why you should control what he does unless his behaviour is causing problems. And your disapproval wouldn't (to me) be an appropriate reason. At least he is honest about it, many lads my age just never tell their wives.

I would caution you : cocaine use can cause problems - a blow out every 2 months isnt it - but many of the posters here are dishonest in their claims about problems and I'd guess have a very narrow and biased view.

Odelay · 15-02-2022 5:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635588#Comment_118635588

That's it, take all the responsibility for this and lay it at the mothers feet... The husband has a choice, quite simple.

JC01 · 15-02-2022 5:14pm

Jesus some people on here are horrific, I swear there only encouraging OP to leave for the “drama”.

OP firstly I don’t know what would possess you to turn to the cesspit of boards.ie for advice on your family unit as it was only going to end as it has, morons screaming that your husbands a monster etc.

Whats going on with him is very common, I do similar myself, don’t drink at all from one end of the month to the next then blow off steam and pressure with a proper session 4 or 5 times a year. My partner understands it and while she doesn’t love it she understands it’s important for me and my own mental well-being.

Ultimately your husband goes on a bender what 6 times a year? Talk to him and work out when he’s gonna do it so your not wondering if he’s gonna be home if you need to go to work etc (the lack of communication is only making things worse).

And for the love of god don’t listen to some of the screaming on here as it’ll put awful ideas in your head.

Eircom_Sucks · 15-02-2022 5:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233024/husband-has-occasional-cocaine-benders

only pure dirt would say you are over reacting

he won't stop as its been going on 15 years

imagine what else happens on these night outs ? cheating ?

sure its only every 2 months

think long and hard as if you want this in your life going forward , as it's not gonna change

seamus · 15-02-2022 5:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118635588#Comment_118635588

You've clearly got some personal stake in this, quite a strong reaction to what was a suggestion that she should examine her options.

At the end of the day it is not for you to dismiss her concerns as "a hangover", nor for someone else to pump them up as being a hanging offence.

She wouldn't post here if this wasn't an issue causing difficulties in her family life. And if one partner's behaviour is causing problems in the relationship and they refuse to address them, then the other needs to consider if the hassle is worth it. You cannot change people, they can only change themselves. And if they don't want to, then it tells you how much they value you.

Since we can agree that what constitutes a "reasonable" hangover is a matter of opinion, then if the OP does not consider her husband's hangover to be reasonable, then she's neither right nor wrong. The question then is whether they can come to a compromise that works for everyone, or if not then separation may be the only option.

Marriage is all about compromise. Especially when there are kids.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 5:28pm

From a medical point of view I've seen the effects of drug use ie strokes, seizures and cardiac arrests and a gradual decline in cognitive function. Look I know cocaine use is widespread but it is a deal breaker for me especially with regards to his family cardiac history.

I'm attending counselling regarding this and just wanted to sound out other opinions. I ultimately know it is my decision to make.

Pawwed Rig · 15-02-2022 5:39pm

If he was going away for a weekend with his friends 4 or 5 times in a year would that be an issue? I don't see this as being any different tbh.

To suggest breaking up a family is a bit of an over reaction. Are you annoyed that he goes out OP? If the cocaine was gone would you be quite happy with the situation? I am sensing a your way or the highway vibe here

Stephen_Maturin · 15-02-2022 5:45pm

Surprised at the unbelievably shrill OTT responses here.

Your husband is not a drug addict OP. He’s an occasional recreational drug user, like hundreds of thousands of others are every weekend in this country.

You say yourself he is a great father and that you are otherwise in a great place together.

Genuinely ask yourself is it worth throwing all that away for the odd dalliance a few times a year.

I wouldn’t be listening to the moralising outrage brigade on here OP. They haven’t got a clue - pretty despicable to see them trying to break up a family over what is overall a reasonably innocuous habit in the man.

Thelonious Monk · 15-02-2022 6:09pm

Fair play to the husband for actually telling you he's doing a few lines, I know plenty of blokes married with kids who get on the bag from time to time and are always saying "she'd bleedin' kill me if she found out". None of them are addicts or having heart attacks either.

arthursway · 15-02-2022 6:29pm

Maybe I'm looking at this wrong but is the man not entitled to a night out with friends once every 2 months?

LawBoy2018 · 15-02-2022 6:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118636125#Comment_118636125

What are you talking about you weirdo? You should take a step outside your little bubble every now and again.

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Warning given for personal abuse

rolling boh · 15-02-2022 6:32pm

A big concern I would have is when he does return home is his condition to maybe look after his children as the o p has said she has to go to work . I suppose if he has being taking coke for 15 years he seems to have some level of control but my first point would be an issue for me .

XsApollo · 15-02-2022 6:35pm

Well you shouldn’t really be in that situation with the kids like that, that is not on in itself..

if you are working then of course he has to have some level of responsibility.

outside of that maybe ask him to only go out on days you don’t work?

but judging by the sounds of it he hasn’t actually not ever come home or not being able to mind the kids the day after when you were working?

jolivmmx · 15-02-2022 6:36pm

OP, I am really sorry to hear that. There are some employee assistance programmes for healthcare staff that offer free counselling. You do not have to go via HR. You can self-declare. It is completely confidential. Sometimes, it can be very therapeutic to hear yourself say something aloud and to work through it with somebody you trust.

Please do not feel ashamed! Every family has its closet crammed full with skeletons. You see somebody smiling in work. But the reality is that we never know what they are going home to.

dulpit · 15-02-2022 6:42pm

What a weird set of reactions in this thread. The OP has stated that their husband goes out hard every 2 months or so and uses cocaine. They have also said that he drinks 2-3 beers a night and more at weekend. And uses alcohol as a crutch. To those who say it's just someone going out with their friends - it clearly isn't.

I feel for you OP, if it was me I'd be sitting your husband down and giving them their last chance. Either cut it out or move on. At some point in their lives they need to decide if they want to grow up and be a responsible adult and parent and partner, or whether they want to cling to their foolish youth...

0ph0rce0 · 15-02-2022 6:51pm

To the people overreacting and thinking they have the perfect family I'd guarantee plenty of your kids from teens to young adults. Your girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands ,wives, parents and even grandparents are on the bag throughout the year on more than a few occasions without your knowledge. 100%

I'd bet my house and every cent I own on it.

And I'd win.

Cobain · 15-02-2022 6:59pm

Thank you yes EAP has been a god send for me.Hse is a tough enough place to work without my added home drama. Mixed opinions here and I'm open to hearing different views. Obviously a lot of people have no issue with cocaine. It just doesn't sit well with me.We are both late 30s there have been times when I've had to drop kids off in the morning to relatives because he hasn't come home or is in no state to look after them. I work some weekends. Definitely not exaggerating the after effects of a session; a full week recovering maybe 2 if a chest or sinus infection sets in, usually requiring antibiotics.

That's it for now. Will mull everything over. Thank you all.

jolivmmx · 15-02-2022 7:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118636265#Comment_118636265

The question is not to determine whether or not his action is morally permissible. That is quite irrelevant in a way. Some will say it is, some will say it’s not. We are not going to reconcile the two sides.

Relationships are a series of compromises. There are certain things about my partner that I love, and certain things that I despise. However, beyond these compromises are non-negotiables. These are extremely personal. I just couldn’t date a smoker. Ditto somebody who does not read books. Call me stupid, close-minded, but past experiences have taught me that I these these to be happy in a relationship. Similarly, working out or going out to the pub may be a non-negotiable must for another person. The whole purpose of the initial dating phase is to figure if they tick your boxes and don’t fulfil any of your non-negotiable criteria.

The question that OP needs to ask is whether she can live with her partner’s behaviour. Nobody on here can answer that!

notAMember · 15-02-2022 7:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118636345#Comment_118636345

Yes, agreed exactly. And in fairness, I think that's why OP is here.

While it might have been ok to brush under the carpet when it was rare-ish with no family, or assumed he would grow up at some stage... when there is a family to support it's a different story.

OP, I don't think calling him an addict or not is the way to go. You could explain to him that his behaviour is no longer acceptable because of where you are in life. That he has to change his ways. If he doesn't listen, brushes you off, dismisses you as some of the similar-minded children in here are, then you know where you stand and you can at least make a decision on the next step from there.

Husband has occasional cocaine benders

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