Husband has occasional cocaine benders

cannonballTaffyOjones

People are murdered in grotesque ways and people that use Cocaine are supporting this barbarism.

That alone should be enough to make you run.

amargar

Drinking several beers a day and more in the weekends is alcoholism, and sooner or later it's going to come crashing hard on your family (I was the children once in this scenario).

Put a stop to it for the sake of your children before things get dirty, believe me they will. If you don't, one day you will regret you didn't do it before. There are people out there that can help your husband.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118636762#Comment_118636762

A moderator warning was posted last night, and today a number of posts have been deleted. All posters in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues are expected to be familiar with the forum charter.

We have a very specific charter and a certain standard or posting is expected in this forum.

Offer mature, constructive, civil advice to the OP. Don't get into petty squabbles with other posters. It is possible to disagree with another's advice without getting personal. If you can't figure out how to do it, we suggest you don't post here.

Big Bag of Chips

I understand your reluctance to talk to family or friends. I also understand the loyalty you feel to your husband and not wanting people to think badly of him. But your family and friends already have a good idea. If he's a heavy drinker they know. If you're dropping the kids off in the morning before work with a flimsy excuse, they know.

Regardless of anyone telling you it's common, and widespread and everyone is doing it you are entitled to not be happy with it the effect it's having on your life, your family, your relationship. Coming home at 6/7am. Being out of it for the whole day/weekend following and being sick for a week or two afterwards is not acceptable when you're a parent. We don't like gender generalisations is this forum, but I can guarantee if a man came on here posting exactly what you have posted about his wife and mother of his children I can't imagine too many people would be telling him he's overreacting and she was just enjoying herself with her friends. A mother pretty much removing herself from family life every couple of months, not being capable of looking after her own children due to drink and drug binges would have people unanimously advising the father to remove his children from that situation. When a father does it though, he's just letting off steam, hanging out with his friends. The wife is a nag who doesn't want him to relax and enjoy himself.

You are not unreasonable.

I think you should find a local Al-Anon group. Just go along and see what you think. Maybe confide in one trusted, level-headed friend. Not someone who's going to swoop in, telling you to leave, telling you you're stupid for putting up with it etc. But someone who'll listen. Who'll support you, regardless of what decision you make. Ending a marriage is never a decision to be taken lightly. And very often it can take years to finally take that step even if you've known all along that's the inevitable end.

Take your time. Go to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. Read up on living with a problem drinker. By lying for him and keeping life ticking over for him you are enabling him. You are doing it because you love him. But you are also keeping the show on the road. Allowing him the space to continue with few consequences.

Start here

Moragle

I agree completely with big bag of chips, Al anon is definitely a safe place to talk about your husbands substance abuse issues and help you regain yourself.

As someone who was married to an alcoholic my heart goes out to you. I remember the covering up to other people, trying to keep things going by myself and just generally living on my nerves.

It's a horrible lonely place to be but I would definitely recommend Al anon and I'm glad you are getting some counselling. Take your time and use any resources available to help you make any decisions. Mind yourself

LillySV

Don’t think advice off this … lots of highly charged people with their own problems giving advice on boards . My advice would be to speak to someone close you trust … or seek counseling between yourself and hubby …

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dubstepper

The occasional drug use would not be a big deal for me, but I can see why it would be for some. He is not an cocaine addict or anything like it.

I would see a couple of areas of concern for me:

1) Drink 2 or 3 beers every night with more on the weekends. That is an alcohol dependency really. While he may not be an alcoholic I would push him to prove he doesn't have a dependency on alcohol.

2) When he goes out it's a bender. A married man has surrendered the right to write off the weekend. He is paling around with single guys (I think you said). These are in a different situation and it is unfair of your husband thinking he can act like them. As other poster's said, do you know what he is getting up to on those nights? If he is out with single guys there are most likely women around. However you dice it, it is really disrespectful to you leave you in the lurch while he gets over the night out.

3) People who take drugs and drink very regularly tend to end up lying to their loved ones. How do you know he isn't taking a line or two himself over the weekends? You may not really know the scale of what he is doing.

I would definitely having a serious discussion and seeing what he values more, your family or drink/drugs.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118679233#Comment_118679233

I go away for a few weekends a year with friends as does my wife. A married parent can absolutely avail of time away from the family unit and should be encouraged to do so. The issue here seems to be that he is good for nothing when he comes back which is odd as while I wouldn't recover from a heavy night out as quickly as I did in my 20s it does not affect me for as long as it seems to affect the OPs husband. I wonder is there something else to this that we have not been told.

There are 3 sides to every story. What the OP has written is presumably the truth as she sees it. That is not to say that it is the truth as others would see it. Her husband presumably has a different truth that is just as true and just as valid. This is why marriage counselling would be the obvious solution here rather than going immediately to the nuclear option as is often advised on this forum.

Amadan Dubh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634159#Comment_118634159

I would be shocked if her husband would bother going out without drinking or doing drugs, from what I've read and understand from my own experience. It is not the going out with friends part here that is the issue and she will see this pretty quickly when she asks if he can go out and not take any alcohol or drugs and he either doesn't go out or else does go out and fails to stick to this commitment.

Your attitude is unfortunately a typical Irish attitude of "it's just a few pints, once it doesn't interfere with his life sure it's grand" but presumably a few pints for you would be sufficient quantities to get a hangover - which should not really be normalized with a young family waiting at home and a wife who doesn't partake. In Ireland there is far too of a relaxed attitude to taking enough drink to get a hangover and there is some denial around drinking to excess, often it is portrayed as a love of socialising but in reality the addiction to socialising is not what the actual addiction is, it is to the alcohol or drugs.

Amadan Dubh

And I would suggest quite a few of the replies from those that can't seem to restrain themselves on a night out could also start their own personal issues threads along the lines of "when should I know when to stop?". Enablers and reality deniers, but I'm sure the OP can see this.

I make no health distinction between cocaine or alcohol bye, in fact would view alcohol as a lot worse than cocaine given its being taken in much larger quantities and its normalisation in society.

Shank Williams

It’s hardly endemic- a sizeable minority take its but they are a minority

dubstepper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118680473#Comment_118680473

But the OPs husband is not going away, he is going out with some mates getting off his head and writing off the weekend. Quite different to your comparison (which I agree is totally fine).

While there are always different versions of a story, on the face of it it wouldn't excuse his behaviour. Unless she is wrong in her assertions.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118685425#Comment_118685425

Not that different. In both scenarios there is an absent parent for the weekend. What they choose to do is surely upto them (within reason). They are both adults after all.

Her assertions on the severity of the issue is all we have to go on. As I said 3 sides to every story and all that.

Main point was that if she is that concerned then marriage guidance is the next logical step rather than depriving children of (as the OP describes him) a good father.

cj maxx

As an ex coke head I can advise you that, when it gets a grip , it is all consuming in the situation where you take it ,if that makes sense. With your husband, it seems to be his mates. . I'm guessing they are also doing coke during these benders. The only way imo is to remove the temptation. Ie tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to ditch these mates. Worked for me. I stopped going out with coke heads and even moved out of a house I shared with them

. Once the temptation is easy access is removed coke is very easily kicked. It's not very physically addictive like heroin etc

https://vertavahealth.com/cocaine/mentally-physically-addictive/

By the way, it must be costing a fortune.

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118686081#Comment_118686081

Isn't the whole point of the OP that it isn't between them at all? She has no say, he unilaterally goes off getting coked up, vanishes and doesn't show up when his children need him, as they had planned.

There is a simple difference between that and someone going on a planned weekend away with their friends. In one, you're leaving someone in the lurch, reneging on prior arrangements, in the other, you've made an agreement and you stick to it.

Your whole other point about her not telling the truth is odd, and that's a fairly meaningless comment on a thread in PI. We go on what's presented and take it at face value.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118718492#Comment_118718492

You cannot go on what is presented at face value as there are more than 1 side to a story. Giving someone life changing 'advice' and convincing them to deny their kids a good Dad based on 1 side of a story is at best reckless and at worst misandrist and sinister. The ONLY good advice that has been said on this thread is a recomendation for marriage guidance where a mediator can hear both sides of a story and mediate anything else is coloured by personal biases around drugs and assuming that the OPs truth is the only truth. The complete disregard for the children is also chilling given that we passed a referendum on the rights of children only a few years ago.

What is your objection to mediation?

notAMember

No objection to mediation, my advice to the OP was to be truthful to her family if she is hiding the reasons for showing up in a fluster with children needing to be looked after because their other parent is a no-show. That's not life-changing advice, it's protecting the children.

And yes, there we agree, the disregard for his own children shown by that man is chilling.

jiltloop

There is a boad spectrum of opinions on this and I don't agree with the opinions on the extreme ends of the spectrum.

Personally I do not think your husband has major addiction issues but he definitely has substance abuse issues. Going on benders like that is simply not something that a parent can do if it is impacting the family. It's not acceptable at all for this to be happening regularly.

I think the best approach would be to let your husband know that this is not going to be tolerated anymore and is no longer acceptable. It's always going to be difficult to take a firm stance on this but eventually I think that will need to be done. As someone else said, consequences need to be felt by him. I think if he doesn't start suffering consequences then you and the kids will eventually.

It may be useful to push him towards seeking help to find out what the root cause of the substance abuse is. It sounds like it could be because of his friends who have less responsibility. He needs to realise that he no longer has the freedom to behave like his unattached single friends. He has gone down a different path, his number 1 in his life (by his choice) is his family.

I was very fond of sessions myself up until fairly recently but I had to come to the conclusion that I am now a family man and a partner so the sessions have to be consigned to history. It's simply not possible to be a sessioner and a responsible father/husband at the same time.

joeguevara

I’m only going to give my opinion and not going to get into the rights or wrongs of drugs etc.

Nobody ever just forgets to come home when they are on a night out. Whether drink or drugs or both are involved if someone doesn’t come home to their partner it’s because they have made a conscious decision not to. If a night out turns into an after party (eg. Ufc is on and watching it in a mates house then you text).

Honestly the subtext regarding ‘dabbling in Cocaine’ is irrelevant to the issue. No committed partner, whether a guy or girl, with kids at home just forgets to go home on an ongoing basis…especially when called up on it continuously.

One thing you should be aware of (and not from personal experience but from being a publican and from my job now) people on a night out who are on patsy don’t forget what they do and more often than not don’t black out…don’t swallow excuses like I forgot to come back etc.