My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

hunter2000 · 13-12-2021 8:27am

Dump him, get on tinder and get riding. End of story, this isn’t Cinderella.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 8:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313030#Comment_118313030

I love him.

I don’t know if he loves me.. doesn’t feel like it and he has never said it

13-12-2021 8:41am

I've come to the conclusion it's incredibly unhealthy for most people to be viewing content like that often, even if it's just selfies. I gave it all up a year ago, including blocking NSFW content on Reddit, and it's like being 18 again. It's even better than being 18 again.

The fact you are so aware he does this is strange. Does he do in front of you? Or is just something you notice out of the corner of your eye? It sounds like he hasn't transferred his sexual desire to you. Like his sex life is still just his fantasies and you're just a masturbation tool while he looks at the same women and content as he did a year ago.

I don't know. I guess I've been where he is but I was always attentive and made her orgasm even if I wasn't into it and found it a chore. As I say, it all changed when I took that step to remove all content like that out of my life. Why was I looking at women and desensitising myself to the world around me when I had a gorgeous woman beside me.

Or if it isn't all that, your boyfriend is just useless and selfish. I wouldn't give it much more than a couple of months to see positive progress before ending it.

13-12-2021 8:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311612#Comment_118311612

You can eventually disentangle your emotions if & when you’ve made up your own mind he isn’t trally the right guy to satisfy your needs. Begin to think about the unattractive bits, one by one, there are always plenty of you think rationally about it, and it’s the only solution to your sanity.

Jequ0n · 13-12-2021 8:51am

Do people generally talk of love after ten months?

Look OP, you are practically repeating the same content in each response. It’s up to you if you want to stay in an in unfulfilling relationship or not. It doesn’t sound like neither of you are passionate about each other.

Best of luck.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 8:53am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313095#Comment_118313095

You can actually see what someone has liked. I came across them accidentally. And was quite surprised as he was promising me the world hours before that when we had a serious conversation and how crazy he is about me.

Going by what I saw, I’m not his type.

So why persist with staying together.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 8:55am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313111#Comment_118313111

I was passionate about him and us but now I’m tired.

Jequ0n · 13-12-2021 8:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313114#Comment_118313114

Then you know what you got to do

seamus · 13-12-2021 9:11am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313083#Comment_118313083

I'm really repeating what everyone else here is saying;

10 months in and you don't know if he loves you. You don't know if he even likes you. You think he doesn't find you attractive.

As affectionate as he comes across, it’s only superficial as I still feel I’m kept at arms length.

You think he's great, you "think the world of him", yet you describe a man who is insanely selfish and disengaged from your relationship. You describe actual being in mental turmoil, lonely and tortured.

I agree with other posters who suggest there's a potential mind game going on here. There are enough red flags to suggest that what he's doing is designed to damage your confidence and make you feel like you're the problem and keep working to fix it, keep working to try and make him happy.

I suppose I’d love to hear that this can happen or things can get better from someone’s previous experience.

Staying with a partner in the hopes that they will change is a very common theme across all sorts of bad relationships. I don't want to go as far as "abuse" in your case - he may not even be consciously aware of what he's doing - but the longer you stay in this relationship, the more it will continue to erode your self-confidence and make it harder for you to leave.

That little man on your shoulder telling you to keep trying with this relationship is by design. And the longer you keeping listening to him, the bigger and louder he gets. You need to overcome the inertia to change, and just walk away while you still have the strength.

Go back to one of the very first posts, and consider the question if it was posed to you by an attractive friend of yours:

Boyfriend makes no effort to initiate or even enjoy sex
Boyfriend has offered no indication of a deep emotional connection
He keeps throwing out tidbits of affection here and there without anything behind them
She feels undesired in the relationship
She is feeling unattractive
She is feeling lonely to the point that it's affecting her mental health
She is asking how she can change someone who has shown no desire to change

13-12-2021 9:13am

Yeah, no way someone should be saying they're tired like that ten months in.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 9:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313141#Comment_118313141

I did suspect mind games for a long time tbh.

Ive made efforts, tried to bring things up subtly and explicitly and I get the same lines in response and he doesn’t deviate from what he’s saying.

He is fully aware of his actions. He doesn’t seek out privacy, book things, I do all that. He knows we are only having sex occasionally. And he’s not bothered! Instead, he goes online and creeps on women in our city instead of taking the lead with me and making me feel wanted and desired.

dont get me wrong. I don’t mind planning or being a leader, so long as I’m getting SOMETHING back.

I am…. tired now. I don’t want to sound like I’m a horse but my spirit is broken. Maybe the change in me has put him off in recent weeks but ironically, it’s his behaviour and attitude that has negatively impacted me.

13-12-2021 9:18am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313113#Comment_118313113

Tbh, I wouldn't get too hung up on that part. People can have lots of types but fixate on one online, and it's often going to be the most exotic and far removed from their day to day life.

I certainly wouldn't let it make you feel ugly.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 9:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313158#Comment_118313158

I would usually agree but one particular woman was from our city. Call me crazy but seems too ordinary and close to home.

We met online…. so not to disrespect my own relationship but I don’t exactly trust him anymore

Jequ0n · 13-12-2021 9:52am

It does not sound like mind games to me, but rather like complete disinterest. From what you are saying he doesn’t even pretend to care or be invested in your relationship.

At this stage I’d be more concerned about you reluctance to leave this union.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 9:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313225#Comment_118313225

But - That’s what I’m saying @Jequ0n he does pretend to care and says all sorts and makes promises but we get nowhere. But in action, things don’t change or improve.

Im completely alone in the relationship. I’ve no idea how he feels about me. I’ll talk to him, he’ll reassure me and protest that he does feel this and that way but afterwards, he goes back to the same behaviour.

It confuses me and then I start to doubt my own self and judgement.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 9:59am

I know I keep going on and on.. I’m just trying to get my head around it and figure out what the truth is

Jequ0n · 13-12-2021 10:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313240#Comment_118313240

But here you are writing how nothing ever changes and that it’s nothing but empty promises, so he hasn’t even convinced you in the slightest.

If you think this is a game remember that these types of games need two players. It does not work if you stop playing your role (and walk away).

seamus · 13-12-2021 11:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313249#Comment_118313249

You already know the truth, you said it in the post above yours:

I’ll talk to him, he’ll reassure me and protest that he does feel this and that way but afterwards, he goes back to the same behaviour.

He will not change. You cannot change him. Even if you leave, he will protest and promise you everything. But he will not change, he has already shown you that he will not change.

YellowLead · 13-12-2021 11:23am

OP you are putting too much countenance in his words, his reassuring you. He’s learned whatever it is he needs to say to keep you on the hook.

Bottom line is he doesn’t want to have sex with you and won’t make an effort for your sake even though you’ve said it’s important, he hasn’t told you he loves you, he keeps you away from his friends and family and makes you feel alone on the relationship.

Mother of god why are you even considering hanging on to see if he changes! You deserve a loving relationship and you are wasting time clinging to this disrespectful one.

Loafing Oaf · 13-12-2021 11:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313564#Comment_118313564

he doesn’t want to have sex with you

Well apparently he does but in a purely functional way that gets him off with a bare minimum of 'intimacy' with his partner. I don't think many women would relish such a role.

YellowLead · 13-12-2021 11:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313604#Comment_118313604

Well it’s also that he doesn’t push for it OP initiates and arranges the privacy for it to happen.

OP leave this guy before he knocks your confidence even more - you were confident at the start of the relationship you need to get back to that, and the only way you will do is by removing him from your life and finding somebody who can’t wait to have you and who respects you.

JoChervil · 13-12-2021 12:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118313249#Comment_118313249

Are your needs met? No. No amount of words will fulfil your needs, if action doesn't follow.

And you voluntarily offer yourself to be used. He doesn't even need to put any effort in it besides few meaningless words. C'omon girl.

fishersham · 13-12-2021 12:58pm

Aw OP, I was in a relationship not entirely unlike this from 18-21. The confidence bit really hits home, that happened to me too.

Wasted so much time. Deeply regret it. I know something was wrong as early as 7/8 months but I kept telling myself it would change. I was so I love and clung onto every empty promise and lie he made when I got upset or threatened to leave. So many times things would "change" for all of a few days, maybe a week, and go back to normal. I must've spoken up 20 or 30 times over our 3 years and it was falling on deaf ears. And no wonder! He could do whatever he liked so long as he'd take the odd tongue lashing from me that he probably just zoned out of anyway! He didn't need to change, I wasn't going anywhere no matter how badly he treated me. It was easy for him. And I was a great girlfriend. By sticking around and taking the disrespect and cruel behaviour, I was basically rewarding him .

It's only been 10 months. Please get out OP. He isn't going to change. Its only getting worse. The first year is when most people try their hardest/are at their best, I'm sure you're aware of that. He'll only get worse from here.

TheadoreT · 13-12-2021 1:37pm

I know you only hear about relationships with issues here but my word what it is about human condition that makes so many people give way more when they're getting nothing back. These forums are full of either good married men who don't get sex or terrible zero effort men who have girlfriends throwing themselves at them desperate for validation. And all of them are miserable but don't seek to address their problems head on. You're not special or any different to the others, things won't change for the better if you don't make positive changes to your life.

Please practice self respect people. There are also plenty of healthy relationships out there with mutual love. If the most in love you've felt is with someone treating you awfully please challenge what you are feeling because it's not actual love. It's just dopamine going crazy in your mind, driving you from regular lows to the very occasional high when you get a rare bit of validation from you partner.

redlipgloss · 13-12-2021 1:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118314305#Comment_118314305

I take your point. As I said before, it’s harder to see when you’re “in it” because you think am I imagining this? Am I overreacting? He’s here so he must want to be with me, right?

Its not as if the hot and cold behaviour/ no effort towards sex is done in a clear way. It’s all passive aggressive and behavioural. There is actually no direct statement from him for example “I don’t want to have sex with you” or “I don’t want to make you orgasm”….it’s more me reading between the lines and interpreting his behaviour.

YellowLead · 13-12-2021 1:55pm

It’s not easy OP and we are all rooting for you. You might be fearful of being miserable without him - but you are miserable with him. Be brave and take that step, it will hurt but you will get over him and in time have the space to meet people who treat you right and make you feel loved and desired.

Skyrimaddict · 13-12-2021 2:21pm

What sort of ages are you OP?

It doesnt sound too great to be honest, from a male perspective. Usually ( I mean usually) a man will be delighted if being told what works, doesnt etc.

I ask the age, some men both really young and really older have different issue sets.

Younger, he could watch Porn a lot and think just whacking it in there will work great, sure all those young ones get off the second they are entered online.

An older man, might not have the stamina or energy for it, and once he is done its good night !

fishersham · 13-12-2021 2:22pm

I feel for ya OP. I really do. I was in your shoes this time 2 years ago.Telling myself it was all in my head, what if I'm ungrateful and this is as good as it gets, what if I try harder, "sure he's still with me it must mean something" It was bad enough he gaslighted me, I was gaslighting myself.

No.

Get mad OP. Make a list of all the crappy things he's said and done. Get really mad. And leave. And everytime you feel tempted to go back/that you were wrong/you'll never do better, look over that list again. Get mad again. Open up to someone you really trust. When I told people how awful my ex really was, it made me see our relationship for what it really was. No rose tinted glasses. Get mad again.

Is this relationship really what you want? Are you sure you can't do better? You can. You 100% will.

TheadoreT · 13-12-2021 2:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118314431#Comment_118314431

I'm not saying it easy, there's countless people in that same situation for a reason.

But stop using excuses. You know you're not imagining him not initiating things, you know he's not getting you off when you do have sex, that's not conjecture, it's the reality.

And does it matter if he's doing it in a direct or mind-gamey indirect way? The fact is the end result is you're unhappy in any case.

And when people tell you this only gets worse believe them. You'll get even more needy and stroppy which are horribly unattractive qualities and he'll pull away further.

Think of what you're doing in simple terms. If a dog bit you would you give him a treat to reward that behaviour? Of course not. The answer to your wants and needs not being met isn't to give even more, its to keep firm with your standards and be willing to walk when they're not met.

A woman with confidence and standards and self respect is sexy, that will keep someone interested. I'm not saying for a minute you should do less to pull someone in, love with all your heart, but make sure the other person does too and meets your needs.

sporina · 13-12-2021 3:56pm

ask yourself this, is he worth the pain your obviously going thru?

My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

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