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My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

12467

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,823 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    Do really need him to actually say the words "I don't want to have sex with you"?

    He's telling you loud and clear.

    For whatever reason, laziness, disinterest, who cares?

    You're just going around in circles hoping someone here might throw you a lifeline and say "I did it, and he changed"

    Literally not one person has done that here.

    You know it yourself, or you wouldn't have posted the same thing 10 times.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,130 ✭✭✭KaneToad


    I think you need to stop reading between the lines and try some direct talking/actions. It will help confirm his true feelings on your joint situation. If you are not on a similar page, it's unfortunate but it does happen. But it will be time to move on.

    You've mentioned previously that you go down on him during sex. Perhaps you need to follow this up by bluntly saying "your turn" and positioning your body so that he is in no doubt that you see it as a reciprocal process. Then rinse & repeat the process so that he realises that your pleasure is as important as his.

    Hopefully it will encourage him to partake in alternating giving/receiving pleasure. Ultimately it may lead to successful simultaneous pleasure, which I assume is the objective!

    Your partner may not fully appreciate your lack of satisfaction - he might think you're exaggerating. However, if you are specifically 'ordering' him to do specific actions & he is not willing to do so, then the writing is on the wall. He may genuinely not be interested in your requests, as is his right, but you will know that he is unlikely to change.



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    Hey Kane,

    I done that several times - your turn, will you go down on me etc he loses interest when it’s not his turn. He doesn’t seem to understand that you need to give it 5-10mins not 30seconds. It’s not even about that. He just loses interest when it comes to my pleasure.

    In our entire relationship, he has never once asked did I c*m… not ONCE



  • Registered Users Posts: 130 ✭✭loveall


    Maybe you should fake it. Good n loud. That'll shock him.



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    Im shaking my head here. How foolish I’ve been. So many situations and things I let slide with him, thinking he didn’t mean it or he didn’t realise but it’s literally been one thing after another. No man is that unlucky or unaware.

    So many things I left slide. Now I’m kicking myself. I feel like I let myself down and I’m a fecking eejit



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  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss




  • Registered Users Posts: 7,603 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    We all make mistakes and we all love, live and learn - no need to feel like an eejit. However - you would be an eejit if you continue with this man hoping for change. You have the power now to end this and leave yourself open to finding a man who will care about you and your pleasure



  • Registered Users Posts: 806 ✭✭✭Skyrimaddict


    Hi,


    I know others have said to the contrary, but things like this can change, ONLY if there is a willingness to work on it.

    From your posts, which seem fairly consistent, there doesn't seem to be any work on this front, please correct if wrong.


    Sometimes it can be a confidence or experience issue with a partner, poor history of other relationships etc. Things can change, but only IF both are working towards the same goals. If you do end up speaking in very frank terms going forward and he has no interest, time to move on. From re-reading posts you seem younger, so my previous post about being older wont hold water.

    He could just have a very warped sense of what is working, a lot of people think that once they are happy its all happy ( you would be surprised judging by other posts about money etc)

    If nothing changes then you really should look at options, I am sure there are chaps out there who would give the right arm so dont worry or lose faith.



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss




  • Registered Users Posts: 908 ✭✭✭JPup


    Play Lily Allen it's not fair on repeat. That should do the trick :)



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  • Registered Users Posts: 221 ✭✭SunnySundays


    People tell us who they are and their actions tell us what they want.

    The problem is we won't listen or won't see it because we are hoping for a different outcome.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,235 ✭✭✭HBC08


    "Am i imagining it"

    Are you thinking you're mistaken and your attentive partner is giving you earth shattering orgasms,are you thinking well no but we have a decent enough sex life? Are you thinking no but at least he's trying?

    If you're imagining it as you allude to in the above post then everything else you've posted here is complete lies.

    Actions are a real indicator of what going on,words are meaningless if they don't somewhat align.

    You've got good advice on here,I don't how how much else can be said.



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    No I meant am I imagining the passive aggressive behaviour like being brushed off or dismissed. Sorry should of been clear.



  • Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    How is this passive aggressive? Is it not rather dismissive?

    I’d get it if he wanted you to be anxious and “eager to please” to get attention, but it that doesn’t fit the pattern either because he is so passive.

    Believe me OP, the longer you remain the more difficult it will be to walk, but if you want to stay that’s up to you and ok too.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,130 ✭✭✭KaneToad


    Have you ever told him, explicitly, that 30 seconds isn't enough and that you want more? Or do you just sigh internally when he gives up too soon. Maybe he just needs a lot of education and direction.

    I may be clutching at straws here..but if it is a relationship you hoped would endure you probably need to be sure you've exhausted all possibilities.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,235 ✭✭✭HBC08


    Apologies, I picked that up wrong.

    Bottom line is this fella isn't a life partner for you.Id be embarrassed If I couldn't get my partner off,the fact that you make it easy for him for him makes it worse.Youre not a prude and literally explain it to him makes it worse.

    I've had friends who stayed with fellas for years before they figure that out,do you want to be like them or do you want to cop on and move on with your life?

    Make the right decision, you've got got advice on here.



  • Registered Users Posts: 220 ✭✭whats_my_name


    Was in a similar relationship for 3 years. We both had an evenly matched sex drive only his interest started to wane. Came to light then that he was addicted to porn. Would knock one or five out at work, come home to me & show zero interest. Admitted he had a problem after persistent "chats" on my behalf. In the end I couldn't put up with it anymore, you'd know day to day if he had pleasured himself purely by the amount of interest he would show in me when he came home. & then when he did show interest in me I would be constantly thinking who has he been creeping on on social media that day that has got him in the mood to have sex. It broke me, my self esteem was on the floor, I was a shell of my former self and still probably haven't recovered from it all...don't be me thinking he'll change, they don't & they won't change for the next person that comes (no pun intended!) along either.



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,481 ✭✭✭California Dreamer


    108 comments and still the OP can't see the writing on the wall.

    Dump his ass, save yourself the cost of a Christmas present, use the money to buy yourself something nice and get some decent sex!



  • Registered Users Posts: 806 ✭✭✭Skyrimaddict


    Ok, at that age there should really ( hopefully) be no medical issues, so it must be in the head, for what ever reason !



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,603 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Actually it can occur at any age - if somebody is taking medication for depression/anxiety for example that can affect performance drastically regardless of age.

    But he can still get himself off, he just ignores OPs needs so it’s not a medical issue from that respect.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    Its been very frustrating and the enthusiasm or horniness isn’t there from his side…not looking to be humped 24 hrs of the day but some sort of sexual activity or desire or excitement would be great.

    when he can’t get in a position or do something, he puts the criticism on me or my physical appearance. Not only am I trying too hard and not orgasming, I also have to listen to him complain too. Every time he does that.

    i was thinking today and looking back over the last few months… My confidence has taken a real knock and in the last few weeks, I’m feeling ugly and not sexy.



  • Registered Users Posts: 6,756 ✭✭✭sporina


    so whats the verdict? are you gonna carry on with him or dump him?



  • Registered Users Posts: 806 ✭✭✭Skyrimaddict


    Its why I said Hopefully ! At that age there SHOULD be less chance if it being medical, but that can always occur.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    I don't use social media I find it strange a man would be liking women's pics on insta while not putting much effort into his own relationship . my advice move on he sounds like a lazy selfish idiot you can do better it sounds like friends with benefits. But what do you get out of it ? you, ll find a nice bloke who will take care of his girlfriend and appreciate her in the bedroom and make her feel special he's ignoring your needs it's unlikely things will improve this is a common problem. you know the problem the only solution is to break up .

    Maybe he's a nice bloke but he's not being attentive or responding to your needs in any way.

    if you stay with him you will just feel worse undervalued and used for sex



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    I’m not sure why people have said friends with benefits because we are apparently is a “serious relationship”… that’s what I’ve been told or reassured anyway.

    Yeah it was surprise to me too as before that he claimed he wasn’t into Instagram or social media at all lol

    Post edited by redlipgloss on


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    you are in a relationship, it sounds like you boyfriend is a stereotype Male selfish idiot, he does not listen to you,he does not care about giving you pleasure, he Likes other women on social media,i presume every one under 30 is on social media ,insta,tik tok or using dating apps, is it normal for a boyfriend to be liking women on insta ,it sounds creepy to me, if this is a serious relationship ,which i think it is. i dont know is it true, i read storys many young men watch alot of porn, which distorts how they behave when they have sex with women .

    even biilie eilish was interviewed on the howard stern show recently she said she watched way too much porn, she says it had a negative effect when she started to have sex with her first boyfriends



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    You see, I wouldn’t give a f*ck if he put some effort into our relationship and made me feel wanted and loved but that is not what’s happening and it leaves me feeling “not good enough” or sexy in my BF eyes. And the fact the women were in the same city made me completely insecure. Seems he can go on and on about how he trusts me and that, but he can do what he likes! I feel I’m being used as a time stamp because none of it makes sense.



  • Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I don’t think anyone on this thread questioned how you feel. The question has been what you want to do about it.

    Because so far you have not taken anything on board, which is ok, but it makes the thread kind of pointless.



  • Registered Users Posts: 49 redlipgloss


    Jequ0n, I have. Believe me.

    I’m in pain and tortured.

    I suppose my discussing it is just me trying to process or get my head around the “why” - my head is absolutely wrecked.

    I totally accept there’s only one course of action.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    The point is he is a selfish lazy bad boyfriend, hes not listening to you, or responding to your needs, why is someone in a normal happy relationship wasting time Liking other women on instagram, it makes no sense to me at all ,i don,t think hes going to change, he may like you alot, he may find you sexy and attractive he may trust you, but he is not listening to you or even trying to make things better.hes happy to have sex with you anyway.



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