Argument last night

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 1:40pm #1

Looking for an independent view on this one.

We bought a new house a few months ago and as we now have big rooms, I said to my wife about looking at the idea of getting a pool table for the front room.

I understand that it would take up most of the room but as we’re not doing up that room for a few years then it would be the perfect place for it.

Then the argument took place that was straight away directed to money. How we can’t afford it. Now I am willing to pay for it myself as I’m the one that wants it, it might cost €500. I don’t go out, I don’t buy myself anything, last thing I bought was a car, 3 years ago which I need to get to and from work, I’m home every evening.

We have a 2 year old and another child on the way in February. My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard. I do the majority of household chores, I do at least 50% of looking after our son, drop him to creche, pick him up, wash his clothes etc.

I do some work on the side at the moment so I can have a few extra quid to help with recurring bills next year(car insurance, car tax etc)so I can be around to help with the new arrival.

Last week she mentioned the idea of a hotel night in the near future that will cost the bones of €300, she got the new iPhone last month, which I have absolutely no problem with, as she saved up the money for the phone. I’m just not understanding the argument with the there’s no money there for a pool table when there is money there for expensive hotel stays.

I personally feel it’s the pool table taking up the room is the issue but last night it was a money issue.

Any help would be much appreciated.

03-11-2021 1:44pm

You say you are "not in a position" to contribute towards saving for your new baby, due shortly, but can find €500 to spend on a pool table?

I think you need to re-evaluate your priorities.

Bummer1234 · 03-11-2021 1:47pm

"I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard" but you wanna contribute €500 to getting your own pool table...

Ahh man come on...

jimwallace197 · 03-11-2021 1:47pm

Hello Op,

I think you make some valid points & I think if you explained to this to her in a calm and rational manner you might have better success.

However, the fact that she sounds like the main breadwinner at the moment & also that you have another child on the way in February doesnt help your cause. I'm assuming because its relatively close to her due date, she is starting to probably feel a bit more stressed & hormonal especially if she's working too. On top of this, as I'm sure you're well aware, babies are very expensive.

Personally, I'd recommend waiting until the pregnancy is out of the way, when things have settled down before going for the pool table again. Say middle of next year.

On a side note, even if you have kids, you should find time to go out every now & then, its healthy & would do you the world of good & the relationship too. no doubt.

notAMember · 03-11-2021 1:51pm

You want a pool table for your family when you have a two year old and a baby on the way, and money is tight? At what age do you expect your unborn baby to start playing pool?

Please consider becoming a good father and a husband, not a lodger who helps out about the house, or another child for your wife to take care of. Your 500 euros should go to something the whole family can enjoy and supporting your spouse. A phone is for her to use to be contactable, and a hotel room is for you both to have a break or holiday. Neither of those are selfish purchases. I don't even understand the "my money" "her money" mindset here. You are a family now.

My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard

Buying solo toys while she does the physical labour of using her whole body to make a new baby and also having the expectation of her paying for everything for the children as well is just an awful way to treat your family.

Stone Deaf 4evr · 03-11-2021 1:52pm

The big red flag for me is the fact that you're married, have kids and a house and are still talking in terms of who pays for what.

The family is a team or a unit. its a group effort with group decisions.

thefallingman · 03-11-2021 1:53pm

Yes sorry Op i'd side with your wife on this, get the gaff sorted, get a job and have the baba and then maybe get the pool table. But i will say spending all that money on a new iphone makes me a little sick aswell unless she is rolling in cash.

jimwallace197 · 03-11-2021 1:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112318#Comment_118112318

Well in fairness, if money is tight, the wife didnt need to buy a brand new Iphone, probably the most expensive on the market currently. You can be contactable with plenty of other phones

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 2:00pm

Maybe I forgot to add that I’ve a full time permanent job, mortgage and creche fees for our son is split 50/50, other household bills are split 50/50 and we both contribute a few hundred every month to our savings that will be used for house improvements and contribute towards no 2 child. She earns slightly more per month than me.

jimmycrackcorm · 03-11-2021 2:02pm

Say to her you're thinking instead of getting a new iphone, mention that she just got one so it's hardly arguable that you should get one. Then when she agrees, get the pool table instead.

Mrcaramelchoc · 03-11-2021 2:02pm

Get the pool table and it could double as a baby changing station as well.

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 2:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112318#Comment_118112318

Sorry now but I’m there for our son practically every single second of the day that he’s not in creche . I get him up for creche, feed him, clothe him, take him to creche, pick him up from creche, bathe him, play with him, take him for walks put him to bed etc as my wife works longer hours 2 weeks per month, so I wouldn’t be questioning the becoming a good father, I’m not perfect but I try my best.

vandriver · 03-11-2021 2:06pm

Maybe it's not the pool table per se,but the mindset behind suggesting a hobby that takes time you won't have with 2 young kids.

It speaks to her about your priorities while she is probably worrying about how you're going to pay 2 crèche fees.

Roger the cabin boy · 03-11-2021 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216255/argument-last-night

How does one pay for something themselves when they are married?

Padre_Pio · 03-11-2021 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112363#Comment_118112363

Another meaning to "pot the brown"

To the OP, pool tables IMO are great the odd few weekends of the year when you have friends over, but the majority of the time are a complete waste of space.

Too heavy to move, to big to store, you're better off spending your money in a snooker club.

People will do anything to fill the space they have. If you didn't have the room, you wouldn't even consider a pool table.

SteM · 03-11-2021 2:09pm

Forget about the pool table OP. You're a grown man and you'll have a second child in a few months so you won't have time to use it. Take a fraction of the €500 you were going to spend on it, go out and buy your pregnant wife a nice bunch of flowers and apologise for the argument (even if you think it wasn't your fault).

Gregor Samsa · 03-11-2021 2:11pm

Dedicating an entire room to a pool table - no matter what the cost is - isn't the same as a weekend away or a new phone. In your mind, you're spending €500 on a pool table. In her mind you're getting the exclusive use of an entire room in the house for €500. The €300 on a hotel stay is for the two of you to enjoy. Unless the house is massive, having a dedicated pool room is quite an extravagance, especially when you have a young and growing family, and by your own admission you're not financially flush. The fact is that while you're getting great value for this €500 purchase, she's not only not getting anything for it - she's losing out.

greendom · 03-11-2021 2:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112369#Comment_118112369

There's going to be a lot of expenses coming up, more important than a pool table. I'd drop the idea for now.

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 2:17pm

Hold on. Did I read this correctly:

"We have a 2 year old and another child on the way in February. My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard."

but I want to buy a pool table for €500.00?

bobdcow · 03-11-2021 2:17pm

I'd start saving myself, like your wife does for her iPhone, and then when you have the cost of the pool table from savings, job done?

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 2:17pm

OP...the pool table can double up as a changing mat. Bingo.

meeeeh · 03-11-2021 2:19pm

I think other posters were a bit unfair. For me it makes sense that person earning more is able to contribute to household finances a bit more, so I have no issues with only wife saving extra.

Pool table is another issue. It's a type of a purchase that will take up whole room and while they are cool they tend to be used a lot less than intended. Especially if you have small children that keep you awake. From what you wrote you don't seem to be under a huge financial pressure and you should be able to talk it out how much money you are prepared to spend on recreational items. I get the feeling your wife just doesn't see the value in a pool table. Do you play pool, are you a member of a club? If not it might be better to try that first. However I also don't think 500 Euro is huge amount if you spend very little on yourself otherwise and if it means you can still meet your own financial obligations.

Roger the cabin boy · 03-11-2021 2:21pm

My wife is doing the majority of savings for the new arrival as I’m not in a financial position at the moment to contribute in that regard. I do the majority of household chores, I do at least 50% of looking after our son, drop him to creche, pick him up, wash his clothes etc.

I do some work on the side at the moment so I can have a few extra quid to help with recurring bills next year(car insurance, car tax etc)so I can be around to help with the new arrival.

Perhaps read this back to yourself.

Perhaps not. The modern idea of marriage is not what it used to be although the clue to what it should be is in the vows one takes.

This does not mean you can't have money for yourself, it does mean that its not "yours" to start with.

I find it odd myself. Money is the least of the things one shares in a marriage. If you can't even share that properly, whats the point?

Buddy Bubs · 03-11-2021 2:25pm

It's the pool table that I'd guess is the issue. I like a game of pool as much as the next guy but one in my house, not a chance. Maybe a dedicated pool table and games room in a garage or something but if you're talking about a sitting room, not a chance. Massive eyesore.

SteM · 03-11-2021 2:26pm

Also, pool is a social game. There is zero fun in playing on your own. Are you going to be inviting friends over to play when you have a new baby in the house? That'll be fun for your wife.

HeidiHeidi · 03-11-2021 2:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112476#Comment_118112476

This is the bit I was wondering about!

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 2:28pm

I have to admit OP...your posts come across as rather detached. Perhaps it is just your writing style but you sound like you are looking in.

Looking after your own children emotionally and financially is called "parenting"- it is not grounds for a lifetime award.

El Gato De Negocios · 03-11-2021 2:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216255/argument-last-night

Your wife is the one doing the majority of the saving for the new arrival.

You cant afford to save anything extra so she is carrying the can in that regard.

You can afford to buy a pool table.

But cant afford to throw a few extra quid into the savings account?

And you are perplexed as to why she is annoyed?

romaderwdcsax · 03-11-2021 2:33pm

I’ve forgotten about the pool table at this stage as it’s not worth the hassle, my issue was and is that there’s no money for one thing but there is money for other things. If I suggested that the money goes towards a suite of furniture then I would have more than likely got a very positive response.

If she was looking for something that I wasn’t keen on then I’d have said no problem work away. But it seems to be a much different response on the very very rare time that I’d actually like to get something for myself and that was the exact same case when there were no children involved and much much more disposable income

DubCount · 03-11-2021 2:36pm

The heart of this problem is the "my money / your money" debate. All couples need to figure this one out. Your combined intake of money needs to cover the essentials - the mortgage, bills, food on the table etc.. After that (hopefully) there will be some space for discretionary spend (nights out, holidays, iphones and pool tables). You have to find a way to sit down and work on a combined budget, and agree how the essential spend and discretionary spend is split, and at what stage do you need to consult each other before making a spend. You also need to agree what happens if one side overspends, or if additional essential spend hits you (new washing machine etc.). Its not very romantic, but its the only way to stop these kinds of rows.

For what its worth, I wouldn't spend 500 on a pool table with a new baby on the way. I wouldn't have bought a new iphone either. 2 wrongs dont always equal.

Buddy Bubs · 03-11-2021 2:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118112521#Comment_118112521

You've bigger issues then, financial compatability. But I really think this is about plonking a huge eyesore in the middle of a house. Getting a pool table instead of a coffee table is like getting a horse as a pet instead of a dog, just not appropriate for most people.

Go to the snooker club for a game.

Argument last night

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