Slept with someone else

10000maniacs · 21-10-2021 01:25AM

You know more people than you think know who people are from their boards profiles. I wouldn't be brave enough to post that info. Just sayin'.

21-10-2021 01:55AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051502#Comment_118051502

He has 4 posts . I would think he is safe enough

Hannibal_Smith · 21-10-2021 07:01AM

Sleeping with someone else that you know and work with - you should tell her. It's a line crossed and it's not fair that she's oblivious to it.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2021 07:06AM

There has already been an onthread warning. Posters who are not familiar with the standard of posting expected in this forum are asked to reread The Forum Charter, especially the box highlighted at the top.

Offer advice, in a civil, well phrased manner or don't post in Relationship Issues' threads. Name calling and exaggerated use of derogatory terms to prove a point are not welcome here and add nothing of use to the OP.

21-10-2021 07:06AM

I wouldn’t tell her if you want to stay married. Avoid your work collegue like the plague and end the business trips or nights out. You do not want a repeat of what happened. Put a big boundary in place there. Otherwise you will hurt your wife irreparably.

Go to the clinic and get checked. As the poster above said it’s no big deal. Any sexually active person should get themselves checked.

Work on getting your sex life and relationship in your marraige back on track. As others have said this should be the impetus for focusing on your marraige. A kick up the proverbial to do so in fact .

Faith · 21-10-2021 08:51AM

Leaving aside the morality of what you've done, by not telling your wife the truth, you're stealing from her the opportunity to make her own decision about how to proceed. You're deciding on the course of action you want and not giving your wife that same opportunity. That's selfishness of highest order, on top of the selfishness of cheating. It is her right to decide whether she wants to proceed with the relationship, not yours.

I'd advocate telling her, not because it will cause hurt, but because it's a tiny morsel of respect. Cheating on her already indicates you don't give a damn about her; hiding the cheating just doubles down on that and will cause double the pain when it finally comes out. Tell her now, explain why it happened from your perspective and allow her the dignity of deciding what happens next.

For those saying "you will hurt your wife", the OP already has hurt his wife, she just doesn't know it yet. But she will find out, or get suspicious, and you're hurting her even more by not being honest with her.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2021 09:24AM

The woman you slept with could have a husband who has also cheated on her. You simply don't know. You may also not have been her first overnight fling. Cheating in marriages is very common if threads here are anything to go by.

You've slept with someone other than your wife. You don't know that woman's sexual history, or the sexual history of her husband. Chances are there is no history of STI. But, if there's even a tiny chance that there is you owe your wife the dignity of not catching something from you.

If your sexlife is still good, some might say once a week is great you are going to have to come up with a plausible reason to not have sex until you are clear.

The impression I get from your post is this is not finished. I think you are going to pursue a secret relationship with this woman, and I think no amount of advice, opinion or judgement here is going to stop that. Just be aware, you will hurt your wife. You will hurt your children. You can't "have it all". Unfortunately too many people think they can. You just need to consider if it's worth losing all you have now for this sexy, flirty colleague.

It rarely is.

TheadoreT · 21-10-2021 11:10AM

I'd doubt you actually love your wife. That's a bit of an empty statement. Actions speak far louder for love than words ever could. And what you've done here could obliterate the mental health of the one person you should be protecting. For me, if anyone truly loves someone even the idea of doing that to them would be jarring to all their senses.

It's selfishness in its purest form and not telling her is compounding selfishness x10 as you're taking away her potential to reshape her future for the better.

So yeah, tell her.

thefallingman · 21-10-2021 11:25AM

Imagine your wife finds out at a later date from a disgruntled work colleague who decides to do the right thing and tell her, or one of their wives. This is your mistake, my advice is to own up to it, if the marriage survives perhaps counselling after but be honest. She deserves that and deep down i'd say you know that too.

jbv · 21-10-2021 12:41PM

If it was her instead of you? Would you like her to be honest and tell you about it?

How would you react?

Take time and think about it.

You will know the answer.

El Tarangu · 21-10-2021 12:52PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118052784#Comment_118052784

I would hate if my partner cheated on me - but if they did it once and truly regretted it afterwards and never did it again, I would way prefer not to know, and don't see how anything would be achieved by telling me about it. It's providing a salve for your own conscience by making it your partner's problem, and potentially (probably) destroying the relationship in the process.

The OP should feel very bad about what they did, and not do it every again - but they keep quiet, draw a line under it, and move on with their lives (and try to be a better husband while they're at it).

21-10-2021 01:12PM

What strikes me about the opening post, is not once do you say your regret what happened with your co-worker.

Do you regret it? Genuinely regret it.

Or if you got the opportunity to cheat again, (with this or any other woman) would you?

If the answer is "yes", then you need to end your marriage.

If no, then you need to tell your wife what happened, and let her decide if she wants to end the marriage.

Cheating is a dealbreaker for many.

Donald Trump · 21-10-2021 01:15PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051430#Comment_118051430

A wise piece of advice I heard when I was younger was something to the effect that if you meet a girl and she is happy to have casual sex with you without protection right off the bat, chances are that she is applying the same standard with everyone she sleeps with. (It obviously applies to men of course too)

You may say this lady is married, but the OP has to ask himself whether he thinks he was really that special that this was a genuine one-off? Well the circumstances are that they flirted, she was happy to have sex both after a few drinks and when sober the next morning .... but now is blanking him. So it doesn't appear to be that this was a special exception with a special person. She just wanted the ride. So it's probably neither the first nor the last time for her.

Loafing Oaf · 21-10-2021 01:24PM

post deleted

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2021 01:24PM

There has already been 2 moderator warnings on this thread.

Off topic posts and posts that breach the charter have been deleted.

Relationship Issues is an advice forum. Offer advice to the OP or don't post.

Any off topic post or breach of charter posts from this point will be carded.

Loafing Oaf · 21-10-2021 02:14PM

post deleted

21-10-2021 02:22PM

@Loafing Oaf nothing wrong with trying to get a bit of joy back in your life. Maybe not an easy conversation maybe. Nothing wrong with trying to enjoy life more.

I didn’t see that article.

Loafing Oaf · 21-10-2021 02:42PM

post deleted

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2021 03:37PM

@Loafing Oaf,

Please read the Relationship Issues Charter. Your posts might make for interesting discussion in another forum. Relationship Issues is an advice forum, however, and posters are required to offer advice to the OP who has come asking for it.

Clint_Westwood · 22-10-2021 06:15PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118050618#Comment_118050618

No, they don't.

Clint_Westwood · 22-10-2021 06:17PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118049657#Comment_118049657

Both, if I'm honest.

RojaStar · 22-10-2021 06:50PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059101#Comment_118059101

This is a bad place to be. If you value your marriage and making it work you will need to exclude yourself from any potential scenario where this could happen again. Don't even go. The next morning activity is the kicker for me. You can't really put it down to a drunken once off.

If she wasn't avoiding you it probably would have happened already. You need to get a grip. Think about the consequences of this bit of fun coming to light and what that would mean for you ie. your wife kicking you out.

22-10-2021 07:00PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059101#Comment_118059101

Well, that would make

"Please believe me when I say that I love my wife. She's a great person and a great mother. I haven't looked at her differently since I came back."

from your opening post a load of nonsense.

Vestiapx · 22-10-2021 09:05PM

We are not here to assuage your guilt. You are clearly either a fool or a cnut. If you are a fool then delete the mistake and learn from it. If you are a cnut then leave your wife and be a good father to your kids.

I hope you have the strength and self knowledge to work out what you are and what you should do.

22-10-2021 09:14PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059854#Comment_118059854

And what exactly is what you've just posted, aside from a means of wasting my time?

If OP is still fantasizing about riding his co-worker again, what he wrote in the opening post is nothing more than him trying to cod himself.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-10-2021 09:15PM

99nsr125. Your post above is off topic. If you have an issue with a post report it. Calling it out on thread is off topic.

storker · 22-10-2021 09:15PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059092#Comment_118059092

I wouldn't be too sure about that. The altered dynamic could well be enough. People notice.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-10-2021 09:19PM

Vestiapix - Your post is far below the standard of posting expected in this Forum. Do not post on this thread again. And read the charter before posting in any other threads.

Zechariah Hot Tear, similar to my warning to 99nsr125. if you have an issue with a post, report it.

Tork · 22-10-2021 09:20PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059931#Comment_118059931

If any of them were in adjoining rooms, they might have heard ye riding. The walls are paper thin in some hotels. There's no guarantee either that somebody didn't see something. It's up to you what you choose to do next. Telling or not telling both carry risks.

TomSweeney · 22-10-2021 09:51PM

Don't tell your wife - what good would it do ?

Assuage your guilt , but what else ?

Leave it, move on ... you're only human.

FWIW with my wife the sex was getting a bit boring a few years back , but we have managed to spice it up again - by having it less ... bizarre it sounds, but I far prefer quality over quantity.

Point being the spark CAN be re ignited...

Good luck.

Slept with someone else

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