Slept with someone else

Clint_Westwood

I was away recently on a business trip where I cheated on my wife for the first time. Our marriage is great overall but the physical spark just isn't there anymore. Sex dwindled a lot after the birth of our child a few years ago. We're still intimate at least once a week, but it's just mechanical sex at this stage.

The company paid for myself and a few other of my co-workers to attend a conference and hotel rooms for each of us. I ended up sleeping with a married co-worker. I'd had a crush on her for a while and we'd often flirt. She's a few years older than me but still very attractive and sexy. We ended up having unprotected sex, probably against my better judgement. I slept in her room that night and we had sex again the following morning. I haven't uttered a word to her about it since and she's also acting like it never happened. The flirting has also ceased.

Please believe me when I say that I love my wife. She's a great person and a great mother. I haven't looked at her differently since I came back. Is it better if I just don't tell her? Her mum is ill at the moment and I don't want to pile more stress on her.

Oops!

It never happened.... Mouth shut, but if you have no problem doing it again in the future the next time the opertunity arises well then it's time to be honest and finish it....

Atlantic Dawn

Perhaps get an STD test done before riding your wife.

FutureGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214040/slept-with-someone-else

Your actions are completely selfish. I wouldn't say a thing. I'd also stop flirting with other women and stop having sex/intimate moments with other women. Spend that time working on your relationship with your wife, counselling if needed.

Your wife and kid deserve far better behaviour.

Fiery mutant

You need to be honest with your wife. If the spark isn't there and you're just going through the motions ( and remember, you may be but your wife may be thinking things are fine) you need to be straight with her, and yourself. Almost sounds like you're looking for confirmation that your marriage is over. You may love her, but it's may not be enough to keep your together. Counseling may help you's determine the viability if the marriage for the future, but to do this, it has to start with honesty.

rolling boh

Do the other co workers know what happened if so that could cause a problem at some stage you know you did wrong but I think you shouldn't say anything but look at ways to get your marriage back on track .

noserider

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118049587#Comment_118049587

do you regret your actions or do you fantasise about a repeat night with this lady?

It'd be one thing if it was a total stranger, you could then try keep it a secret.

But a co-worker...no chance.

If you love your wife as much as you say you do, have the decency to tell her.

And as mentioned above, get yourself checked.

Finty Lemon

The Christmas party will be interesting, if there is one. My bet is she will be up for it again.

In the meantime, you can assuage your own guilt by rationalising it, and convincing yourself that you're sorry.

Welcome to adulthood.

Wanderer78

yup, get yourself off to counselling, and take things from there, best of luck

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214040/slept-with-someone-else

The company paid for myself and a few other of my co-workers to attend a conference and hotel rooms for each of us. I ended up sleeping with a married co-worker. I'd had a crush on her for a while and we'd often flirt. She's a few years older than me but still very attractive and sexy. We ended up having unprotected sex, probably against my better judgement. I slept in her room that night and we had sex again the following morning. I haven't uttered a word to her about it since and she's also acting like it never happened. The flirting has also ceased.

Bolded areas are all that matter.

• You had a crush on this person and were actively flirting.
• You had unprotected sex with them.
• You did so again the next morning.

A one off drunken fumble is one thing, that is clearly not what happened here. Based on these points (individually, not just collectively), it is clear you are not committed to your marriage or your wife. With that in mind, I think you should seriously consider why that is the case and out of respect to your wife, tell her where you are at and that you need to work out if you are committed (going forward) and let her consider what she needs to do from her perspective.

First things first, get tested.

cj maxx

I wouldn’t tell your wife if I was you. As others have mentioned, do you honestly think your work colleagues won’t cop on to what happened? They know the past dynamic between you two and this has changed. Forever. Do you honestly think this was a one off ?

Dial Hard

The fact that you went there again (unprotected again?) in the cold hard light of the next morning would be the nail in the coffin for me, quite frankly.

rolling boh

Will any of the others talk that is a problem and I agree that again the next morning makes it slightly on another level but hopefully that is not the case as she is married as well so a lot of people in the firing line .

Tork

Do your colleagues know you slept together? If they do, I don't think you have any choice but to come clean. This is the sort of office gossip that goes around workplaces like wildfire.

Look on the bright side, your family might be growing as you speak. 😜

listermint

It's an unusual predicament to be in. Our place has had all business trips completely cancelled for well over 18months. Even senior leadership is severely curtailed. And certainly unheard of for groups to travel or stay in hotels .

Solo travel seems to be just about getting off the ground only this month for very specific reasons.

Oranage2

If you love your wife and want to remain a family then I wouldn't tell her. And coming to a forum and bragging about it doesn't seem you'll be able to keep it quiet. The clock is ticking on the relationship however

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214040/slept-with-someone-else

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118049587#Comment_118049587

 Our marriage is great overall but the physical spark just isn't there anymore. Sex dwindled a lot after the birth of our child a few years ago. We're still intimate at least once a week, but it's just mechanical sex at this stage.

 If the spark isn't there and you're just going through the motions ( and remember, you may be but your wife may be thinking things are fine) you need to be straight with her, and yourself.

But isn't this virtually inevitable sooner or later in any marriage/LTR? Does everyone in this situation have to split up? We were talking about this in the cheating thread; People (well men) consideering marriage need to accept that some dwindling of passion is certain and if they think their response to that would be to look for a bit on the side, well they shouldn't be getting married. (obviously I know that's no help to OP)

Big Bag of Chips

@noserider please read The Forum Charter before posting again. Off topic posts deleted.

@Dav010 similarly, if you have nothing relevant to offer by way of advice, please don't post.

Telling your wife would only be to assuage your own feeling of guilt. For sure, get tested.

I'd also take the advice above to use this opportunity to make more of an effort with your wife, go spend a weekend together sans kid for starters.

You might want to avoid social occasions, but it looks like the itch has been scratched, but don't give it a chance to re-present.

IF it does get out expect a visit from her husband. He probably wont be as cuddly.

The DayDream

OP you're only gonna get the same self righteous, pearl clutching replies others have already gotten a hundred times over posting similar confessions on this site, about what a bad boy you are and how many diseases you have and how you're SO gonna get caught. Mostly I'd assume from people who are either bitter because they've been cheated in or bitter because they wish THEY could get away with riding their hot work crush.

I'll offer a different perspective. In all likelihood this married professional lady has no STDs and is going to keep her mouth totally shut about this roll in the hay (it's the men who blab and/or are too stupid to avoid being caught.)

There is absolutely no good outcome or benefit to telling your wife. If she finds out it is it really going to be much worse than if you told her yourself. IMO not worse enough to scupper all chances of it never being found out, not even close. You don't get points for honesty after you cheat, that will simply be looked at as you being selfish and trying to unload your guilt. Which is true. The price you must pay for partaking of this forbidden fruit is to gave the guilt eat at you for a while. It will go away in time though.

I will say that for me what doesn't wash is you say the spark is gone from your marriage but there is still sex on a WEEKLY basis. I've been in relationships where the spark is gone - it wasn't even monthly usually. You say it's just 'mechanical'. I don't buy that. One person is inside the other, it's physical intimacy of the highest order even if it isn't earth shakingly passionate. If your wife was rejecting you and denying you physically you might have more sympathy from others and me, but that's why everyone thinks it was rather rotten of you - you weren't a sexually frustrated lonely husband, you had your bit and you wanted a bit on the side.

Now you have to decide was it worth the guilt and then proceed from there.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051345#Comment_118051345

 will say that for me what doesn't wash is you say the spark is gone from your marriage but there is still sex on a WEEKLY basis. I've been in relationships where the spark is gone - it wasn't even monthly usually.

I was thinking that. If they've been together say ten years including pre-marriage, I'd say once a week is a decent strike rate.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051345#Comment_118051345

Having some respect for a wife you love = pearl clutching.

But the highlight of that abysmal post above has to be the notion that professional people don't get STD's.

Absolutely cuckoo.

iffandonlyif

Telling your wife imperils the relationship, and she may never get over the betrayal. But if you aren’t remorseful and would consider cheating again, she deserves to know.

If you intend to preserve the marriage, I think it reasonable, on balance, to stay quiet and use the mistake as impetus for resolving the problems in your marriage.

sporina

and your username is "clint westwood"? based on that and all you have said (no spark with wife - crush on attractive/sexy colleague etc) .. think you need to man up.. do you love her or not? I mean, romantically.. if not, do her a favour and wrap things up now before you sleep with someone else... ie: respect the Mum of your kid if nothing else.. no judgement but do whats best for your wife and kid (out of respect if nothing else)

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051378#Comment_118051378

and your username is "clint westwood"? based on that and all you have said (no spark with wife - crush on attractive/sexy colleague etc) .. think you need to man up.

I think we can be pretty sure what the bould Clint would be doing in this situation. Not a man to be hanging round in a relationship gone stale, and he's got the brood of kids to prove it...

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051386#Comment_118051386

thats what i am thinking,, meh.

The DayDream

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051375#Comment_118051375

I didn't say they don't get STDs, I said in all likelihood she doesn't. Especially since she is married. Thinking a married person who slept with a colleague on a work trip = disease ridden whore is the kind of pearl clutching I'm talking about. The chances of it are very low. It's just something people always say in their replies to the 'i cheated' posts, because they want to make the bad boy feel bad and afraid.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051378#Comment_118051378

He couldn't even wrap it up that night or the morning after

notAMember

Is there a need for “disease ridden whore” term ffs? everyone gets STDs. Getting checked isn’t going to kill him.

I’ll note the very telling term “first time “ OP. Not only time, or never again. First time implies more times expected in the future.

Id say from the reaction of that lady you slept with, cold shoulder, that you shouldn’t expect a repeat there.

Take a good hard look at your marriage and family life and list what YOU need to do to improve it. If there are things on that list that you expect your wife to do, tear it up and start all over again.

10000maniacs

You know more people than you think know who people are from their boards profiles. I wouldn't be brave enough to post that info. Just sayin'.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051502#Comment_118051502

He has 4 posts . I would think he is safe enough

Hannibal_Smith

Sleeping with someone else that you know and work with - you should tell her. It's a line crossed and it's not fair that she's oblivious to it.

Big Bag of Chips

There has already been an onthread warning. Posters who are not familiar with the standard of posting expected in this forum are asked to reread The Forum Charter, especially the box highlighted at the top.

Offer advice, in a civil, well phrased manner or don't post in Relationship Issues' threads. Name calling and exaggerated use of derogatory terms to prove a point are not welcome here and add nothing of use to the OP.

I wouldn’t tell her if you want to stay married. Avoid your work collegue like the plague and end the business trips or nights out. You do not want a repeat of what happened. Put a big boundary in place there. Otherwise you will hurt your wife irreparably.

Go to the clinic and get checked. As the poster above said it’s no big deal. Any sexually active person should get themselves checked.

Work on getting your sex life and relationship in your marraige back on track. As others have said this should be the impetus for focusing on your marraige. A kick up the proverbial to do so in fact .

Faith

Leaving aside the morality of what you've done, by not telling your wife the truth, you're stealing from her the opportunity to make her own decision about how to proceed. You're deciding on the course of action you want and not giving your wife that same opportunity. That's selfishness of highest order, on top of the selfishness of cheating. It is her right to decide whether she wants to proceed with the relationship, not yours.

I'd advocate telling her, not because it will cause hurt, but because it's a tiny morsel of respect. Cheating on her already indicates you don't give a damn about her; hiding the cheating just doubles down on that and will cause double the pain when it finally comes out. Tell her now, explain why it happened from your perspective and allow her the dignity of deciding what happens next.

For those saying "you will hurt your wife", the OP already has hurt his wife, she just doesn't know it yet. But she will find out, or get suspicious, and you're hurting her even more by not being honest with her.

Big Bag of Chips

The woman you slept with could have a husband who has also cheated on her. You simply don't know. You may also not have been her first overnight fling. Cheating in marriages is very common if threads here are anything to go by.

You've slept with someone other than your wife. You don't know that woman's sexual history, or the sexual history of her husband. Chances are there is no history of STI. But, if there's even a tiny chance that there is you owe your wife the dignity of not catching something from you.

If your sexlife is still good, some might say once a week is great you are going to have to come up with a plausible reason to not have sex until you are clear.

The impression I get from your post is this is not finished. I think you are going to pursue a secret relationship with this woman, and I think no amount of advice, opinion or judgement here is going to stop that. Just be aware, you will hurt your wife. You will hurt your children. You can't "have it all". Unfortunately too many people think they can. You just need to consider if it's worth losing all you have now for this sexy, flirty colleague.

It rarely is.

TheadoreT

I'd doubt you actually love your wife. That's a bit of an empty statement. Actions speak far louder for love than words ever could. And what you've done here could obliterate the mental health of the one person you should be protecting. For me, if anyone truly loves someone even the idea of doing that to them would be jarring to all their senses.

It's selfishness in its purest form and not telling her is compounding selfishness x10 as you're taking away her potential to reshape her future for the better.

So yeah, tell her.

thefallingman

Imagine your wife finds out at a later date from a disgruntled work colleague who decides to do the right thing and tell her, or one of their wives. This is your mistake, my advice is to own up to it, if the marriage survives perhaps counselling after but be honest. She deserves that and deep down i'd say you know that too.

jbv

If it was her instead of you? Would you like her to be honest and tell you about it?

How would you react?

Take time and think about it.

You will know the answer.

El Tarangu

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118052784#Comment_118052784

I would hate if my partner cheated on me - but if they did it once and truly regretted it afterwards and never did it again, I would way prefer not to know, and don't see how anything would be achieved by telling me about it. It's providing a salve for your own conscience by making it your partner's problem, and potentially (probably) destroying the relationship in the process.

The OP should feel very bad about what they did, and not do it every again - but they keep quiet, draw a line under it, and move on with their lives (and try to be a better husband while they're at it).

What strikes me about the opening post, is not once do you say your regret what happened with your co-worker.

Do you regret it? Genuinely regret it.

Or if you got the opportunity to cheat again, (with this or any other woman) would you?

If the answer is "yes", then you need to end your marriage.

If no, then you need to tell your wife what happened, and let her decide if she wants to end the marriage.

Cheating is a dealbreaker for many.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051430#Comment_118051430

A wise piece of advice I heard when I was younger was something to the effect that if you meet a girl and she is happy to have casual sex with you without protection right off the bat, chances are that she is applying the same standard with everyone she sleeps with. (It obviously applies to men of course too)

You may say this lady is married, but the OP has to ask himself whether he thinks he was really that special that this was a genuine one-off? Well the circumstances are that they flirted, she was happy to have sex both after a few drinks and when sober the next morning .... but now is blanking him. So it doesn't appear to be that this was a special exception with a special person. She just wanted the ride. So it's probably neither the first nor the last time for her.

Loafing Oaf

post deleted

Big Bag of Chips

There has already been 2 moderator warnings on this thread.

Off topic posts and posts that breach the charter have been deleted.

Relationship Issues is an advice forum. Offer advice to the OP or don't post.

Any off topic post or breach of charter posts from this point will be carded.

Loafing Oaf

post deleted

@Loafing Oaf

@Loafing Oaf nothing wrong with trying to get a bit of joy back in your life. Maybe not an easy conversation maybe. Nothing wrong with trying to enjoy life more.

I didn’t see that article.

Loafing Oaf

post deleted

Big Bag of Chips

@Loafing Oaf,

Please read the Relationship Issues Charter. Your posts might make for interesting discussion in another forum. Relationship Issues is an advice forum, however, and posters are required to offer advice to the OP who has come asking for it.

Clint_Westwood

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118050618#Comment_118050618

No, they don't.