Slept with someone else

Jequ0n

Look OP, people cheat. Nothing wrong with that, unless you act like an idiot and get caught out. The way you describe your colleague makes it sound like she is well versed in this game, while you seem to be very new to it.

Don't assume anything to come out of this, and for heaven's sake: don't look for your side fun in work. People actively look for things to gossip and you don't want to be in the spotlight (unless that's how you get your kicks). Not using protection is just incredibly naive for all the reasons pointed out in previous posts.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059854#Comment_118059854

It's helpful to the OP's wife if it convinces the OP to face up to the reality that he is treating her unfairly.

The DayDream

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059963#Comment_118059963

IMO all this craic about how you should be paranoid about thin walls and being seen, the posts about how you need to tell her or your selfish, unfair etc. is all just people hating the thought of you getting away with it and they aren't telling you this because they want to give you good advice, they are just wishing that you don't get away with it, that you get found out somehow.

It's no surprise you're still fantasizing about the naughty escapade, but I wouldn't act on it again because chances are you will get caught out if it continues. Men can often be careless sloppy dopeswhile women are often instinctive, perceptive and nosey - that's why so many men get caught. You got away with it once, if you keep it up you'll get sloppy and get found out.

I mean that's your 3 options here: 1 -dont tell her, don't do it again, and probably get off scot free.

2 - don't tell her, go back to the well with her or someone else and ruin your marriage and probably your life.

3- tell her, and ruin your marriage and probably your life.

It should be an easy choice but I have a feeling you won't pick option 1. Don't let your mickey or your guilty conscience make a total sh*tshow of your life. Put it in the rearview mirror and move on.

PalLimerick

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214040/slept-with-someone-else

You appear to be honest. My advice would be to say nothing put it to the back of your mind. Speak with the co worker and explain it was a mistake and you should both move on. Nicely say this of course. Chances are she will feel the same. Never do it again if you want your marriage. Definitely don't tell your Wife it will only hurt her and achieve nothing good. It wouldn't be fair especially with her Mam being ill.

I really don't know if you regret it or not OP, it appears from your posts that you don't really and you are wishing for a repeat performance.

I have no idea of you want to stay married or not?

rolling boh

If you are sure nobody else knows I would say nothing because it would cause a lot of trouble and what is done is done . You say you love your wife so that is what you should be focused on and while you can fancy others you cool your jets and stay away from any situation that could cause problems .

Hannibal_Smith

I ended up sleeping with a married co-worker. I'd had a crush on her for a while and we'd often flirt. She's a few years older than me but still very attractive and sexy.

This isn't something that just happened as a once off. You had a crush on her for a while, would often flirt with her and ended up sleeping with her.

It was something that had been playing out by both of you for a while, in your own words. I'm sure at some stage you told yourself, only a bit of a crush no harm in that. Only a bit of a flirt no harm in that. And now... Only one night of sex and you're trying to convince yourself no harm in that, no need to tell the wife.

You've convinced yourself at every turn that what you want you should get and now you're trying to convince yourself the result of it all is grand.

It's like you want people to tell you not to say anything, that way you've toiled over it and gone with the consensus and done the right thing.

You've no idea whether the other person has told people or not, whether she'll tell her husband and it all blows up. It could very well be a ticking time bomb. So sit it out and you might get away with it, but it's not the right thing at all.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061179#Comment_118061179

wishing for a repeat performance.

In fairness that's not something he can really control. Is it like the old Catholic thing of lustful thoughts only being a sin if you dwell on them?

Big Bag of Chips

@Loafing Oaf Personal Issues is not a discussion forum. It’s an advice forum.

Parom

This will be an unpopular opinion.

Men and women are not the same. This also applies to relationships.

Men love women for who they are (e.g good mother to the offspring, creator of peaceful home), women love men for what they provide (e.g. provisioning, security). King will marry a peasant girl, while queen will never look peasant's way. Men has to bring something of value to be even considered for a relationship.

And that's why also the lens that men and women look at infidelity is different.

OP, your wife accepted to marry you you because you were exhibiting traits that are inherently attractive to a woman and were bringing some value to her life. That means she saw you as LEADER and PROVIDER of the family. Leaders are stoic and rational.

The life partner options for women decreases as they get older, while the options for men increase as they get older. That is why women are much more likely to stay with partner that had an affair - if the man is of VALUE and can't be easily replaced (Bill Clinton comes to mind or Jay Z).

If you still want to keep the family together, consider all options and make a rational decision that will mean the best outcome for your family.

Ignore the rest of the noise as others will not have to live with the consequences of their advice.

Be the MAN, be the LEADER.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118051345#Comment_118051345

You've just contradicted your own post and confirmed the OPs a POS for cheating on his wife

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118062747#Comment_118062747

I disagree.

I'm not suggesting he's ridiculed entirely, but his role on this and how it's selfish and unfair to his wife should be acknowledged.

Or else it's tentatively suggesting that what he did is no big deal.

Walking_Wolf

I think you should tell your wife. By not doing so, you're robbing her of the choice to decide whether she wants to stay with you or not. As others have pointed out, the fact that you went for a second round the following morning shows it wasn't just some drunken one off. Also, did you climax inside this lady? You said she's older than you, was she on birth control? If I were you OP, I'd have confessed immediately, by not telling her you're just doing what's best for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

@99nsr125. you've already been warned on this thread. Offer your own advice rather than arguing with other posters. It is up to the OP to take what he feels is relevant from the thread himself.

Offer advice to the OP, or don't post.

Big Bag of Chips

Final warning to all on this thread - cheating in a marriage is always an emotive topic. The poster has posted on a public forum asking for advice and opinion. It is very likely he will hear things that he doesn't like. But maybe they are things he needs to hear.

If any poster has an issue with any post report it rather than arguing with other posters on thread. All that does is drag the thread off topic into an argument of who is more right.

The OP can decide that for himself.

Final warning: Offer advice to the OP when replying, or don't reply.

ByTheSea2019

I would leave the job rather than the marriage, based on how you said you feel about your wife. Work on the relationship with her. Don't tell her, that just gives her a load of issues to deal with, it doesn't do her any favours. I think if you leave a relationship every time the initial spark is gone, expect to have many marriages. That's the culture in the country I live in where the divorce rate is much higher and it's not unusual to have children with several different people over your life and all that goes with multiple separations and child sharing arrangements. You need to think about whether you want that for yourself and everyone involved before deciding on whether you would leave a marriage because it's not as exciting as it used to be.

SunnySundays

Up to you what you do but as a women, I might, although it's a very small might, be able to forgive a once off indiscretion but if I heard it from the cheater.

It would be much harder if I heard about it from someone else. If you decide not to tell her, make sure no one else will too.

That said, people react differently and you know her best.

jj880

You have shat in your place of work. Time to think hard about your next move as your @ss is already hangin in the wind. How far it hangs out the window depends on you. If you see a future with your wife then you cannot cheat with your co-worker again. If you carry on seeing her and end up having to break it off she will be a woman scorned for sure. Then what if her marriage ends and years later she sees you all loved up with your missus? You've fvcked up good and proper but it can get a lot worse.

rolling boh

You might be better getting away from that job which has already been suggested and remove yourself from the woman and the co workers who were on that trip i think you are very lucky if nobody on that trip is aware of something between the two of you .

tayto lover

OP do not tell your wife.

Move on with your life and if any coworkers ever mention anything just deny it.

Get on with your life as if it never happened. It was a mistake. Forget it ever happened.

Splish Splash

What you do depends on the type of arrangement you both entered into when you got married. Did you ask her to marry you because you loved her or because it was the right time, you had a career started, a deposit saved, a feeling it was the thing to do and she happened to be handy? Are you both more invested in the notion of being married but ok with a loose/open marriage? It just sounded odd how you said you cheated for the first time. Does you wife sleep with other people?

Some people seem to think being unfaithful is no big deal, if you are one of those and your wife is of the same opinion, then tell her, no reason not to, right?

Others think that cheating is a dealbreaker. If your wife is one of these, then you have to tell her to allow her to decide how she wants to deal with the news. You've already done the deed, now is the time to put on your big boy pants and 'fess up. I'm basing the rest of my answer on your wife believing she is in a monogamous relationship with an honest man who loves and respects her.

If you don't tell her, then not only have you cheated but you have lied (by omission) and every little thing from this point forwards is based on a lie because you know you did something that hurt her and you didn't tell her. Every single day you are compounding the problem because when she finds out she will realise that you had a chance after chance after chance to come clean every single hour of every single day but you chose to continue deceiving her. That's a twisted dynamic right there that says a lot about you.

If she never finds out, then you've lived evey hour of every day of your lives together lying to her, deceiving her and that says a lot about you and the respect you have for her.

There are marriages built on all kinds of pragmatic bases that have little to do with love, respect or trust and they work out just fine as expectations are not that high to begin with. For many, though, trust is the very basis for everything else. Only you know the answer to which type of marriage you had. Whatever it was, it's different now. Either way, you should tell her. And you should get checked.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@Alberta64 warning given as per previous umpteen Mod Warnings on thread reminding posters that PI/RI is an advice forum, not a discussion forum. Your post offers no advice to the OP and proceeds to drag the thread into an off topic general discussion on marriage.

HS

dublin49

i would go with say nothing and leave the job and in general dont put yourself in the way of temptation .

Hannibal_Smith

@ByTheSea2019 I've deleted your post. As per the Charter if you wish to discuss Moderator action you are welcome to PM the Mod in question.

Thanks

HS

The_Dark_Lord

Don't tell your wife OP. Accept this guilt as your punishment. I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. I was on a lads night out and met an absolutely stunning woman and ended up going back to her hotel room where we had amazing sex. Immediately afterwards I felt incredible guilt and wanted so badly to fess up to my then partner. But I thought long and hard about it and decided the best decision would be to not tell her. I used the guilt as a fuel to give my all to our relationship and we're now happily married. Best of luck OP.

mrslancaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118063965#Comment_118063965

This..

As you said OP, your wife is dealing with her mother's illness right now and if you tell her to ease your guilty conscience it could be devastating for her. Cheating always causes deep hurt and destroys trust so dont wreck your wife's world to make yourself feel better. Get yourself tested as others said and then work on your marriage and keeping your family. Losing your wife and child is a very high price to pay for a fling, keep quiet and absolutely avoid any repeat performances with your colleague.

Clint_Westwood

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061452#Comment_118061452

I don't think she'll tell her husband or anyone else. She has a lot to lose too. She was the one who initiated the whole thing, texting me to come to her room.

Clint_Westwood

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118063532#Comment_118063532

Yes I did, but she told me that she was on birth control before we had sex.

Clint_Westwood

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061179#Comment_118061179

I do want to stay married, I don't want to leave my wife.

rolling boh

How long ago did it happen ? Or would moving jobs be an option know that might be over the top but a break from the place might make it easier to start again and concentrate on your marriage.