Ex broke up with me because of lockdown restrictions but now wants me back

Big Bag of Chips · 04-09-2021 08:23PM

You should never have to beg anyone to let you be part of their life. It's either easy, and works well. Or it doesn't.

jill_valentine · 04-09-2021 09:05PM

I'm really sorry if I put that harshly. I'm just trying to say he seems to want to be able to turn your company on and off whenever it suits him like a tap, rather than seeing your relationship as a unit you're both in and both working on.

I think there's a good chance that, if you think about it, you've been doing all the actual running and slogging for the both of you, and he's always got a reason he can't keep up his end or contribute to yours. I think you can do better than having to make and run all the moving parts of the relationship by yourself, while he just shows up when he feels like it and gets the benefit.

Smiley283 · 04-09-2021 09:22PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847763#Comment_117847763

No honestly I appreciate your honest opinion. Thank you for giving me it! You would think at my age I would be able to spot these red flags myself but I guess love is blind and I want to see the outcome my heart desires

I was honestly hoping I was over reacting to the situation and that people would reply telling me that all relationships go through tough times and to give it another go!

Genuinely appreciate each and every comment posted here. I'm going to have sit with all these comments and try organise my thoughts and feelings and confide in cloee friends and family on what is truly going on with me and him.

I understand I amnt valuing myself and I have no doubt if my parents knew the extent of how things have transpired they would be crushed for me.

TheadoreT · 04-09-2021 09:39PM

Was he consistent or flaky pre covid? Were you always doing more of the heavy lifting or was it easy and mutual?

I think his general character back in normal times should count for something as lockdown affected many peoples mental health in different ways and self sabotaging mindsets with such matters are not uncommon.

That's not to say you're still well within your rights to see his behaviour as a big red flag and that he's done irreparable damage to your trust in him and the sanctity of the relationship.

Smiley283 · 04-09-2021 09:48PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847876#Comment_117847876

Before covid we saw eachother once (or twice a week if we were lucky) which was sort of frustrating for the both of us but we were only officially in a relationship for jusy over a year when the first lockdown struck in March 2020.

Things were really good between us apart from the frustration of not seeing eachother more. I honestly thought I found 'my person'. We had a brilliant connection which was already based on friendship.

TheadoreT · 04-09-2021 09:59PM

You didn't really answer my question. Did you have commitment concerns about him pre covid? Who's terms were the meetups/lack of frequency of meet ups on? Frustration usually comes from our feelings that someone could be doing more.

Big Bag of Chips · 04-09-2021 10:01PM

Why did you not see each other more often? Even after a year you'd be expecting a bit more to the relationship than that. You say you were both frustrated with not seeing more of each other, but were you? Both? It would seem to me if after a year it was something that frustrated you both that you both would have done something about it. From what I can gather you would have liked to meet up more often, so why did it not happen?

Gael23 · 04-09-2021 10:04PM

If he wanted to make it work he would.

just move on with your life and forget about him

Hannibal_Smith · 04-09-2021 11:36PM

I don't know if you can go back? Would you not always have this doubt or paranoia that if things got rocky again he'd be gone?

Lockdown for sure has pushed people to their limits, but its not a blanket excuse for everything.

Trust your gut.

Smiley283 · 05-09-2021 12:35AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847924#Comment_117847924

No I didnt have any commitment concerns.. I suppose we were both feeling the rush of a new relationship and were happy. We both have hobbies so some evenings were off limit to meet up because we had our own commitments and then you know you spend certain evenings once or twice a week trying to catch up on meal prepping and washing and drying clothes etc (just the mundane things you need to get done after work) and then I was also studying for an online course so I needed to spend time at it after work.

mrslancaster · 05-09-2021 12:39AM

I'm looking at this differently to other posters but IME lots of relationships go through rocky patches, people split up and get back together all the time for all kinds of reasons - people make mistakes and behave badly and nobody is perfect. If you had a good relationship before covid and you want to give it another go then maybe you should. You say you still have strong feelings for this guy and if you don't give it a second chance will that be the end of it or will you always wonder if you should have tried again? If you do get back together, you'll be more aware and won't let yourself be treated badly or as his fall-back so you'll need to discuss the ground rules and make sure things change in the future. You'll know soon enough if you made the right decision or not and if it ends again after a short time, you'll walk away with no questions or regrets.

Smiley283 · 05-09-2021 12:39AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847929#Comment_117847929

We lived 40 minutes drive from eachother. I don't have access to a car in adublin so I would get public transport to visit him in the evenings but we took it in turns. He would drive into me or I would get the bus out to him. We both have hobbies so some evenings were off limits because of training but I was also studying for a year long online course so I'd have to spend an evening or two studying for it or completing assignments after work.

Smiley283 · 05-09-2021 12:57AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848346#Comment_117848346

I so badly wanted this relationship to work out. I can't imagine having this connection with anyone else. I just feel so so so hurt that he stayed in the relationship all throughout lockdown and then about 6 weeks after the level 5 restriction lifts he breaks up with me. I would have probably understood the breakup more if it had happened in January or February.

After reading all your replies I feel like why end the relationship once the country reopens and there was nothing stopping us from seeing eachother at the weekends? we both had annual leave carried over from the previous leave year so we still more or less had our full leave entitlements to use for 2021 so we could have gone on trips away together to spend quality time together. He dismissed my suggestions because he was afraid of getting covid. Sorry, I am just ranting now!

I have a lot of opinions to digest now over the next few days. I think its been really difficult for me to even make attempts to recover from the shock of the breakup because he wouldn't meet up face to face to discuss it and I havent seen him since the first week of June.

Apart from being told that lockdown is too hard and that we can see about getting back in the future after covid ends- I really haven't been given any further info on what happened over the past 3 months.

He would contact me to check in on how I was keeping and it was all very surface level information and it honestly just left me feeling like my head was all over the place but I clung to those interactions

road_high · 05-09-2021 01:12AM

If ever there was a case for blocking a number it is this head ball…

twowheelsonly · 05-09-2021 01:28AM

I'm sitting on the fence over this one but if you really, really want him back to try again then I'd be inclined to make him do all the running.

When you're speaking to him again and he's talking about getting back together tell him that you're not sure and you'll have to think about it some more.

If you want to go full metal jacket on it you could tell him that someone at work/in the local shop/on the bus is showing interest in you and has asked you out and you're considering it.

If he has to work to get you back he'll appreciate you all the more. If you just go along with his plans you'll be doing that for the rest of your relationship.

From the outside looking in it seems to me like you're in a relationship but he's 'seeing someone' in Dublin.

JP Liz V1 · 05-09-2021 01:36AM

Sit down and talk face to face, put your point across, a relationship is a two way equal street, ye may come back stronger, it's hard when you still love and want him

YellowLead · 05-09-2021 09:03AM

Have you much experience with relationships OP? I just wonder because, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, you saying that you can’t imagine having that connection with anybody else sort of indicates that to me a little. I don’t want to assume you have low self esteem but from the outside looking in it seems that way. That you might be so craving to be wanted and loved by a man that you are willing to put up with a lot of crap just for breadcrumbs of affection here and there, even if the fact the guy doesn’t care the same way about you is staring you in the face.

05-09-2021 09:07AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848346#Comment_117848346

Great post.

That "What if?" will always linger.

05-09-2021 09:16AM

he had a car and yet you still had to get public transport to visit him, 40 minutes away?

He stayed going out with you when there was nothing else to do, then when lockdown lifted a little, he dumped you.

I don't know OP, I wouldn't be worried about 'what ifs' , I would be happy enough I saw the real him.

I think you will go back to him though.

TheadoreT · 05-09-2021 09:19AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848341#Comment_117848341

2 evenings for meal prep/washing sounds extremely fastidious especially when used as a reason why you couldn't see each other more often. Are you sure you're not coming up with reasons to make yourself sound busier to excuse the fact he wasn't all that bothered in seeing you apart from for the occasional ride once a week? I think if he truly had that new relationship rush you speak of you'd be seeing him more often rather than cooking that lasagna for Thursday night.

I knows it's difficult to admit that perhaps you've wasted 2 years chasing someone who's never quite been as in it as you were but it's important to realise this now to save another potential 2 years of hurt.

notAMember · 05-09-2021 10:05AM

Look, where were you before this? You weren’t living together after years of a relationship , with him in his 30’s.

He is emotional, and can’t deal with it. He runs away to hide when stressed. And is leaving you in the dark about what happened in that time. Were there other women? Was this his way of having a fling without it technically being cheating? We were on a break?

Where would you see this going? Marriage, children, a life together. The signs are not good if he doesn’t listen to your perspective when you disagree. He’d also be a pretty useless parent if he ran away when you were pregnant, or refused to vaccinate your children. There are a lot of stressful times in life OP. Take this as a good glimpse into the future.

I think you can do better. There are much nicer and more emotionally stable men out there than this fellow.

HildaOgdenx · 05-09-2021 06:22PM

OP, he has treated you very badly. The break up is one thing, these things happen, and as has been said, it was a peculiar time for all of us, and many relationships, both romantic and family suffered along the way. But it's the refusal to discuss this, like a grown up, and the keeping you dangling and now casually deciding that he will get back with you...that would have me running a mile.

Something that stood out for me in your OP was the phrase he used 'we'll see in the future'. Have you ever been in the supermarket and heard a small child asking for sweets, or can we go to McDonalds and the parent answering 'we'll see'? That's fine in that context, (it means no, most likely), but anyway, I digress.

He does not get to decide whether or not the relationship will resume, he just doesn't. You obviously have loads going for you. Even the way that you have responded to the posts here, some of which may have been difficult to hear/ read, shows you are someone with lots to offer.

As I said, personally I would run a mile. But I'm not you, and at the end of the day, it's your life. I certainly would not be rushing to get back into that relationship. Don't beat yourself up about what you should or should not have done, or have seen. I doubt that there are many of us posting here, who haven't made mistakes in relationships and taken some hard knocks along the way.

What is the male version of a diva called? He can get very frustrated and like things to be done his way or no way. I do find I have to try and calm him down a lot, he can get overwhelmed and anxious about situations like for instance, catching covid-19 although he is healthy and has no underlying health complaints. It did irritate me that he is so anti-vaccine because he is terrified of any possible side effects. I am a lot more easy going and can laugh off stressful situations whereas he finds it a bit more difficult. However, he has a brilliant sense of humour and when things are good between us it feels amazing and i honestly pictured us to spend out lives together.

Just reread that to yourself. As a pp has said, imagine bringing children into the equation. And I imagine, OP, being the one who has to always be easy going and talking another adult out of a strop wears pretty thin after a while, and even thinner if there are children in the mix.

Once again, fair dues to you for the way you have taken all the responses here. I think it certainly has given you food for thought. I know you mentioned talking to friends and family. I also think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor.

It can be a little harder sometimes, for those close to us, to remain objective. And should the relationship continue, they will be worrying about anything they might have said about him. I'm not trying to put you off speaking to them, in fact I think it's a great sign that you are thinking of doing so.

All the best, OP, you deserve so much better.

qwerty13 · 06-09-2021 06:57AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848371#Comment_117848371

I’d put money on that’s on purpose on his part re keeping you ‘on the hook’. He hasn’t shut you off, he’s kept you dangling. Waiting for if or when it suits him. I’m sorry to say that you’re very far from his priority. I truly suspect that he’s engaging in contact with you because he’s planning (for himself) to move back towards Dublin, and he wouldn’t mind an easy casual relationship.

I genuinely think there is no real relationship to salvage, it was gone when lockdown started. Move on.

moritz1234 · 06-09-2021 11:55AM

You use the word "They" quiet a few times op - so I assume it's not a typo ?

<mod Snip> Do not offer diagnosis on line. your judgment is clouded - your heart is ruling your head.

For your own sake - leave him as your EX

Smiley283 · 06-09-2021 02:36PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117851958#Comment_117851958

I shared my situation on this forum looking for advice or a fresh perspective on my relationship and I genuinely do appreciate each and every comment that has been left.

I spoke about my feelings last night to my housemate and she said that she can definitely see that I shouldn't be treated like this but to play the devil's advocate she also put the idea that we'll maybe he thinks what is the point in pursuing a relationship with me if we can't move forward and progress into maybe moving in together or making more of a commitment to eachother. That maybe he feels like I do love her but this relationship isn't working for me because of the distance and I want more of my emotional/ physical needs met.

To be honest I heard the words she said but my head is so fried I can't even really take it in and I wish he would just communicate this all to me rather than leaving it until the end of September or October when he has a better idea of what his work situation would be.

Akrasia · 06-09-2021 04:36PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117853832#Comment_117853832

Why don't you take him back on a trial basis to see how he treats you and how you still feel about him. Let him know its on your terms but give him the chance to show that he is serious about making it work in the long term

Taking him back is not a commitment to staying with him forever.

Big Bag of Chips · 06-09-2021 05:50PM

If your relationship was his priority he wouldn't be waiting until October to see what his work situation is going to be. My cousin spent a year in Australia. Met an Australian man in a bar a week before she flew home. She lasted 3 months at home and then moved back to Australia. They are now married with children.

People's work lives are constantly moving and changing. Your housemate makes it sound like it's a toss up between Dublin and home, and if he can continue working from home he'll stay. If he's back in the office, he'll pick back up with you.

I'm not sure what he expects to change in his home situation though. He's at home to help out because his parents need the help. If he is back in the office, does than mean his parents are going to suddenly not need help then?

I don't know. I know where you are coming from, and I think you probably feel like you do have to give it a chance. It's been a funny old year where nothing was straightforward. But, as another poster mentioned, just because you agree to get back with him doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship. You can always finish with him if it's not working for you. Think about what you want from the relationship. What you want to be different from last time round. What you are willing to compromise on and what you are no longer willing to compromise on? For a relationship to work both parties have to make compromises. He doesn't get to have everything his way with you making all the concessions.

Have it clear in your head what you want from this relationship and if after a (short) period of time you find you're not getting it, then you have every right to call it a day.

Your feelings, wants, needs are equally as important as his. I don't think you realise that.

SunnySundays · 06-09-2021 05:59PM

If you knew it was a good idea to give him another chance tou would have done it already.

You know it's a bad idea, know he has treated you badly doesn't see you as and equal and is still messing with your head.

What I think you are hoping for is someone to find a way to explain away or justify his **** behaviour which would allow you to convince yourself that things may be different this time, or that he's worth a second chance. You want it to be different, you want him to be different but no one her can give you that, as it won't be any different.

Sounds like your brain gets it but your heart is taking longer to catch up which is the same as most of us after a break up. It's **** and there's no real way of accelerating it. People make all sorts of situations work if they really want to be with someone, don't put up with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve.

Smiley283 · 06-09-2021 06:50PM

"What I think you are hoping for is someone to find a way to explain away or justify his **** behaviour which would allow you to convince yourself that things may be different this time, or that he's worth a second chance. You want it to be different, you want him to be different but no one her can give you that, as it won't be any different"

Honestly, I read that paragraph and instantly felt like you have hit the nail on the head there. I can look at myself in the mirror and feel comfortable in my own skin, obviously like most women my age I have minor things about my appearence i wish were slightly different but over all I love and appreciate my body and features.

I'm confident, sociable and friendly and I would like to think I'm a kind person. I know I am a good catch and I do feel like my family and friends appreciate having me in their lives. I just go about my life day to day never really checking in on myself and thinking "oh amnt I just great.. God's gift over here" haha, if you get me. However, now I am sitting here like well, if I do have such healthy self esteem why have I found myself in the situation? Am i too trusting that he has my best interests at heart to let the past few months slide? Is he too good at explaining away bad behavior. Did he ever really feel that strongly about me? Can I even trust him anymore?

But yeah, I feel like the penny is only just beginning to drop for me and it still has further to fall. Obviously in an ideal world my ex and I would see eachother more regularly and all these covid restrictions wouldn't have occurred, but we don't live in an ideal world. **** happens and life is problems but living is working through them. As one poster put it my ex's response to stressful/ less than ideal situations was to walk away from me but to still keep contacting me without answering bassically any of my questions. I can barely remember the summer if I'm honest because I feel like I've been going through the motions of work/ life on auto pilot in a haze of confusion. If he wanted to break up with me that is fair enough but he really shouldn't have told me that we would get back together in the future. I currently feel right now I would have rathered spent the summer crying and grieving the relationship because who knows, I could be out the other side at this stage. I'm not going to lie though, I still want to see him face to face to discuss what has been going on all these months. I just want to get the opportunity to listen to what he has to say to me. I think I would regret it if I was stubborn and didn't have that conversation. I definitely think things are going to be up and down for me for the next few weeks and I'll probably go back and forth on what decision I'll make based off my mood on any given day but I think a seed of realisation has been planted. Thank you to everyone who has replied. It has honestly helped me so much and given me loads to think about. If anyone else has anything to add that would be of value, please do.

Thank you all.

TheadoreT · 06-09-2021 08:04PM

I still haven't read anything to suggest you weren't just an irregular hook up to him and you're still basically putting your life on hold while he's likely getting in with his.

Was their holidays? Weekend trips? Did he spoil you on your birthday or Xmas?

I feel you may be falling into the all too common trap where you mistook the highs of momentary attention from someone indifferent to you as a deep connection. Some people genuinely fall deeper into infatuation the worse they're treated and its really a problematic route to go down.

Ex broke up with me because of lockdown restrictions but now wants me back

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