Ex broke up with me because of lockdown restrictions but now wants me back

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117855392#Comment_117855392

Well, we attended numerous family weddings together. We went on 2 foreign weekend breaks together and went on a sun holiday together in 2019 as part of our friend group.

As we both were apart of the same group of friends for a year before we got into a relationship we spent that year going on group nights out and getting to know eachother and ended up eventually kissing etc which led to us deciding to get into a relationship with one another.

We would take it in turns every few months to travel to our family homes where we grew up and stay to get to know each others families better etc so I thought things were pretty normal in our relationship

rain on

Honestly, if he was really, really into you he would never have broken up with you and done the "maybe we'll get back together in future" thing, because he would have been worried you'd get snapped up by someone else in the interim. He wasn't fussed about that, though.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117858711#Comment_117858711

Agreed. Even if you leave aside the fear of your loved one getting snapped up by someone else, why would you damage your relationship like this? I think there's more to this relationship than the OP being a booty call/deliveroo. But I also think he's not half as committed to it as OP is. She's more of a Miss You'll Do For Now rather than Miss Right.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117858711#Comment_117858711

I was sort of hoping all along that the reason he broke up with me was the distance and our arguments and that he didn't want to ruin the relationship further and wanted to maybe try to preserve it.

and that if he came back it would be when the main reasons for our arguments (distance) was resolved but I guess I have to accept that you're probably right

HildaOgdenx

Your feelings, wants, needs are equally as important as his. I don't think you realise that.

I'm quoting the above from a post by Big Bag of Chips. I think this is something you really need to get your head around. I said it in a post earlier in the thread too. He doesn't get to decide whether the relationship continues or not. There are two people whose views, feelings and needs count here.

I genuinely think you would benefit from counselling. It would give you a chance to talk all of this out with someone, and to take a step back and evaluate what YOU want, from this, or indeed any other relationship in the future.

Idle Passerby

His motives aren't genuine. The break up makes no sense. You weren't spending time together due to distance/lockdown, were arguing over the phone so he broke up with you but kept in touch? That to me reads like he was getting irritated by the arguements, ending "the relationship" meant that the arguements were put on hold and you were effectively silenced but he could still keep you on the hook for potentially reigniting it if he ever decided he wanted to. And he's still doing that now. Your waiting for him to say whether your back together or not. He's using you as a doormat. If you do take him back, it gives him the green light to treat you as an option rather than give you any real commitment.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117852961#Comment_117852961

OP, ignore such kind of advice. Nobody, even if perfectly qualified, would offer a diagnosis like this based on a few posts. Don’t let people confuse you.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117865781#Comment_117865781

Yeah the word narcissist is thrown around very casually these days. It's quite a rare condition. It's almost used as a defense mechanism by people who can't cope with someone not being that into them and feel the need to diagnose a mental condition upon them to make themselves feel better. Would imagine a solid 90%+ people who've labelled their ex's as narcissists are wrong.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117866995#Comment_117866995

Agreed.

Smiley283

I just wanted to give everyone an update on what has happened since.

I've been texting my ex everyday since the government announcement. I had taken on board everyone had said on this thread and I also had opened up to my family and close friends about my relationship which really helped me process everything.

To be honest I just genuinely wanted to finally get the opportunity to speak to my ex face to face to just get everything thrashed out and a sense of closure because my gut was telling me that I couldn't continue the relationship but I would be lying if a part of me wasn't wishing that a magic wand could be waved and everything between us could be resolved.

Today he got confirmation from work that he won't be returning to the office, at least until after Christmas and that isn't even confirmed. So he bassically ended things with me (again, if that is even possible).

Thank you to everyone who contributed to the discussion. I really appreciated it.

Big Bag of Chips

Block his number now. There is no need to continue contact with him. A relationship with you comes far down his list of priorities. There are more things ahead of you on the list, and a relationship with you will only happen if it is convenient for him and it slots into his life with little effort or upset to his routine.

It'll be difficult to let this go. But I think your best bet is blocking him. Tonight. He's not coming back. Not until after the new year, and then he MIGHT be back and expect you to still be waiting for him.

Don't be waiting for him.

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887591#Comment_117887591

Ah that must be so hard. It’s like you grew to realise this might happen, but hell it’s still tough going.

I truly believe it’s better that you’re fully aware from his recent actions what he’s like, but not easy. To try to look on the bright side, at least you know now, and can move on. I know that sounds like the worst cliche, but I think most of us have been there when cold harsh reality hits - but time is genuinely a healer.

Look after yourself, and prioritise yourself. And please do block him. I recall a friend of mine years ago saying to me “he’s never going to be good enough to you, and he’s never going to want to make you happy”. At the time, I thought she was being pretty mean, but she was 100% correct. That phrase has always stuck with me. Not in a ‘princess syndrome’ way - but I think anyone that totally prioritises themselves, with no effort towards their partner’s happiness, well it’s just not going to end well.

Onwards and upwards OP, treat yourself, and engage with good people in your life. I hope you’re ok.

hesaidshesaid

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887591#Comment_117887591

Just catching up on this thread, you misunderstood me when I said you already knew what to do. I meant you should walk away.

It’s irrelevant now as this guy has shown his true colours. His only priority is himself, this is very unlikely to ever change.

You wanted a different outcome, of course, and I’m confident you’ll get it. But not with this guy.

Let him go, he would never have made you happy and you would have spent all your time trying to figure him out.

You sound like a really lovely person. Move on, your life is too short for guys who can’t see that!

Zak Flaps

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887591#Comment_117887591

Hope you're ok.

I agrees with the last few posters.....block this guy's number.

Move on.

As far as i can see, you've dodged a bullet there.

Mongfinder General

What a prick. Block him and move him. Imagine if you’d settled down with this tool and were 10 years down the line with kids and a mortgage. You should be dancing for the street.

Smiley283

Hi again,

I know I was advised to block his number but I didn't because I knew I wouldn't be rushing to contact him and honestly thought he wouldn't be contacting me.

I exchanged around 6 texts over the weekend with him and he is still saying "sure ill be back in the office in January so we can always see how things go then" to which my response is a firm "Eh, no thankyou".

I asked him what was stopping him all summer from renting a new room closer to Dublin when he could have freely travelled to the farm at the weekends and he said he "never even considered that option". I'm here thinking we'll maybe if you hadn't have broken up with me and gave me the opportunity to discuss it we could have come to the most obvious solution together.

I asked him was he seeing someone over the summer and he said he joined tinder and was on a few dates and there's one girl inparticular he has been on a few dates with because "sure we had broke up and we were both entitled to live our lives and if you had met someone else i wouldn't have held it against you".

WHAT.

I removed him from social media and have blocked him on whatsapp.

You are not and have never been a priority for this guy. I'm sorry OP, it does hurt, but you know you deserve to be a priority for someone.

Glad you have blocked him, don't be tempted to unblock.

Smiley283

Just out of curiosity, In this situation he said from the outset that he had intentions of possibly getting back with me in the future and I just feel like you shouldn't be actively going out on dates during this time frame. Dates to me are used when you're trying to build a connection with someone new. However, I know with covid nightlife isn't like what it used to be but it isn't impossible either to go out and kiss someone in the pub after a few drinks which I don't think I would have held against my ex.

If you were to ignore everything else that went on between us this summer would anyone be of the similar mindset to him? Like, yeah fair enough you both were single and entitled to do what you both wanted during that time apart but kissingor sleeping with a randomer is a lot different to actually taking the time to set up a tinder account and organise dates?

Just curious to hear other people's perspectives on this.

Jequ0n

You weren’t together, so I am surprised that it hadn’t occurred to you that he was seeing other people. I’d have dated other people, too. Why not?

You had assumed that you were both on the same page, but that can’t really be held against him.

And why do you keep obsessing about this person who doesn’t want to be with you?

qwerty13

My perspective is that he completely suits himself, he displayed zero consideration for you by dangling a non-existent possibility of getting back together, he lied that the split was covid/location related, when it suited him to go back to his home place he replaced you with casual hook-ups - and still kept you on the hook in case he was moving back near Dublin.

He is not a nice person, and you will only be lining yourself up for hurt if you go near this selfish idiot again. For your own sake, please stop engaging with him and trying to work through his pathetic attempts at justifying himself. I cannot believe he is STILL trying to keep you on the hook. The absolute nerve of him.

Hannibal_Smith

I wonder is he really on Tinder or was that just a response to you turning down his January suggestion?

Honestly don't spend any more time on a post mortem of what he's said. I wouldn't have expected him to have joined up on Tinder either TBH and certainly wouldn't have expected that if he did and found someone he really liked he'd be contacting you to see if you wanted to get back together.

He's just a head wreck. Stop going over it and start putting it behind you would be my suggestion. I'm sorry it's ended this way for you though.

Big Bag of Chips

Once he finished with you you were only ever an option. You were an option to keep him company if/when he was in Dublin. And someone else was company in the west.

Its probably a good thing that you didn't block him straight away, because at least now you got to the root of it.

This wasn't a brief relationship. This wasn't a casual thing between you both. You felt you were in a long term relatively stable relationship. But even your description of how your relationship was conducted pointed to him not being as invested.

But, whilst you were in the middle of it, you believed you were both on the same page. A reasonable assumption to make.

Move on now. You'll find someone better suited to you. And you'll be more aware of what you want from a relationship and if it's being offered to you. You don't have to accept bitty scraps from a self-centred man. Not all men are like him.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117920600#Comment_117920600

This OP.

You keep questioning his thinking in all this, what about your thinking? Why were you allowing him to treat you like that?

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117920630#Comment_117920630

Just picking up on qwerty's final comment there, 'the nerve of him'. Sometimes OP, you need to find your anger in a situation where someone mistreats you. And obviously, I don't mean put on your boxing gloves. Except inwardly.

Try to think to yourself -'who the hell do you think you are, to treat me like that. Go and scratch (polite version) if you ever think you can get back into my life, you...'

You get my drift.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117921800#Comment_117921800

I agree, I didn't really have any reaction to the situation I found myself in for the past few months because so little was said between us about it apart from exchanging texts every few weeks.

I just got on with things and lived my life as I would have normally. No tears were shed and there were no sleepless nights thinking about this.

I didnt really go into much detail on the whole situation with family or friends until late August because I couldn't even articulate what was going on so I couldn't even form any emotion to the situation if you can understand what I mean.

I havent cried over it because I can focus on what has actually happened now and thank god I dodged a bullet. As silly as it sounds I keep listening to the song IDGAF by dua lipa, haha.

I wouldnt say I am obsessed with my ex. I think after knowing someone for so many years it would be normal to give it all more than two fleeting thoughts. I found the honesty of the comments left here really helpful in absorbing what happened and am really glad I was able to anonymously seek advice and opinions from you all.

I amn't going to order our friend group to disassociate with him and I know that I am eventually going to end up in social situations where he is there so just going to avoid attending them and hang out in smaller groups and with other friend groups until I feel ready again.

Someone described him as a tool here and I genuinely think he is. I know I am a catch and I already know I havent processed my emotions and collected my thoughts fully. I'm sure it'll come in time and I just have to put it all down to experience.

Sort of left here questioning my personality right now. Realising my easy going nature isn't ideal for relationships and I should be more assertive. I was always the kind of person growing up that as long as my feelings weren't hurt I have been happy to go along with things and won't kick up a fuss if things aren't in my favour. I never thought of it as a confidence issue because I have always felt confident in myself. I am in a demanding career where I need to bring my 'A-game' everyday so outside of it I like things to be chilled. I definitely have a lot to reassess and sit back and take time for myself before I consider dating again.

Thank you everyone.

TheadoreT

Sounds like he'd have made a clean break by now if you weren't both part of a friends group. He knows he'll likely see you again so is trying to fade it and hope you'll take the hint eventually imo. Hopefully you have now for your sake.

Don't change too much, your personality probably isn't bad for dating, it just wasnt suited to that particular person. It's important to learn lessons but imo the main one is to be able to carry on without letting this weigh you down emotionally. I found it the biggest obstacle in dating to navigate women who had so much negative experiences built up they became fragments of their true selves. You knew what was in front of you was a staged version of how they thought they should act to counteract past experiences.

And don't leave it too long, he's out there trying to shag all and sundry, that doesn't sound like something worth spending valuable life time grieving over, we're not young for that long.

Big Bag of Chips

Realising my easy going nature isn't ideal for relationships and I should be more assertive. I was always the kind of person growing up that as long as my feelings weren't hurt I have been happy to go along with things and won't kick up a fuss if things aren't in my favour. 

Don't change this! Just be more selective about who you give this side of yourself too.

SunnySundays

Any chance you are on holiday with a new guy and he's posting the other thread?

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925536#Comment_117925536

Haha, no I checked out that thread and that isn't me. Guess I amnt the only person that's relationship broke down because of lockdown restrictions.

Tork

The way I see it, the covid restrictions saved you from wasting more of your time on somebody who wasn't as invested in this relationship.