Ex broke up with me because of lockdown restrictions but now wants me back

Smiley283

My ex boyfriend and I are in our late 20s early 30s. We were together for 2.5 years. I live in dublin and he has always lived in a bordering county for work. We were friends for a year before we got together and have the same social circle.

Lockdown was really hard on our relationship as we went weeks/ months without seeing eachother and started having rows over the phone. He was told by work to work remote indefinitely and he moved back to his family home in the west of ireland.

When restrictions eased in May we spent most weekends together and then at the beginning of June he dumped me because the distance was too hard and said that when the covid restrictions and potential lockdowns end we can see about getting back together. I wanted to meet up face to face to discuss this but they wouldn't. Kept texting me all summer on and off but I wasn't sure if they were just being friendly or wanted me back. Any time I asked they would just say "we will see I the future".

With the government announcement this week they have contacted me again to see about getting back together. I am still helplessly in love with them but I just feel so hurt. The breakup was totally on their terms and I would have always thought that if you truly love someone nothing, not even a 3 hour distance, would get in the way.

I honestly don't even know if it is likely we will get back together but I cant help but want to.

Do you think they don't truly feel for me the way they should after so many years together or do you just think no relationship is perfect and we need to work on things again?

hesaidshesaid

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058207242/reuninting

If a good friend came to you with this problem, what would you tell them?

I think you already know what to do OP.

Smiley283

Thank you hesaidshesaid I definitely feel like I would regret it if I didn't try my hardest to get back into a relationship with them. They mean too much to me.

I was just worried incase my emotions were clouding my judgement and wanted an outsiders perspective.

Jequ0n

You do realisie that he is in full control of this relationship, if you want to call it that way?

He decides something, and you accept it, he doesn’t want to talk and you accept it. Of course he suggests you try again as you are a very easy and submissive partner.

The continued texting was to keep you on standby btw, I have done this many times.

Your ex doesn't appear to have considered you or your feelings at all.

did ye have a conversation about lockdown restrictions? Why did he decide to go to the West of Ireland to work remotely? Was there ever a chance of ye staying together over lockdown?

sorry OP, if you will be happy forever doing whatever this guy wants, then yeah get back together. Personally I would rather be an equal partner in a relationship.

GalwayGaillimh

Better to dump him and move on...

Better to be the dumper than the dumpee!

Taltos

Dump his ass

Block his number

No one deserves to be treated as he’s treated you. Shown you no respect or consideration and that will never improve.

You may as well give it another go.

The lockdowns were weird for everyone.

But be sure to set very clear boundaries with him. He needs to realise that the relationship isn't a one way street.

the_pen_turner

Hard to know with out taking to him. .

I get the impression that he visited you in all those long distant weekends. Maybe I'm wrong. If that's true he probably feels that he is putting all the effort .

Maybe he feels that the extra distance is only adding most stress and more rows and that he doesn't want that.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117845469#Comment_117845469

Truthfully it was pre-planned couples trips with his friends/ mutual friends to celebrate things like their birthdays because everyone needed something to look forward to after lockdown.

mrslancaster

Has something else changed OP - is he moving back to Dublin or where he lived before? If so, then have the conversation, covid was terrible for everyone. If he's staying in the west & you're in dublin then that means travelling. Some people manage it no bother but it doesnt suit everyone.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117845641#Comment_117845641

All along his company told him that he would be working remotely for the future. He applied for a few jobs in dublin to move back but had no success as of yet. With the government announcement during the week his employer hasn't made any concrete decisions but there is a possibility that he will be moving back to Leicester again. He said to me that "we have a lot to talk about but moving closer to me will make things easier".

Apart of me is very forgiving towards him because lockdown was extenuating circumstance but then another part of me feels like how did other couples manage it?

I'd have been more understanding if he wanted a breakup/ break in January when he moved home and we got back together when the level 5 lockdown lifted and there was nothing stopping us from enjoying the summer together

So he wasn't willing to make any effort at all to see you, personally.

but now he's moving back near you, ye may as well get back together?

Sorry, but you should think more of yourself then he clearly does.

mrslancaster

He obviously didnt like all the travelling if he's applying for jobs & wants to get back near dublin & back together with you. I know lots of people whose behaviour changed during lockdown especially anyone living with older family, some were like hermits. Also, all couples are different & nobody really knows whats going on in another relationship so i wouldnt be comparing how others handled the lockdown. Long distance relationships are hard even in normal times. If you feel that you want to give this relationship a second chance then have a talk & take it from there.

lulublue22

Lockdown was hard on everyone in one way or another however what really stands out in your post is your lack of autonomy. All decisions seem to be on his terms - the break up , not wanting to talk it out , not committing to giving it another go and now wanting to give it another go. He seems by his actions to have very little thought or respect for you , your feelings and your wants and needs. I would find it very difficult to be in a relationship in which I had no say - The next time a stressful situation comes up and there will be one - a death , loss of a job , illness etc will he again make a unilateral decision that things aren’t going to work out. If a friend told me this I’d be strongly encouraging her to work on her self worth - many relationships went through a rocky patch during lockdowns for me that’s not the issue but rather how he chose to deal with it.

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117843937#Comment_117843937

I doubt the poster you quoted meant that in the way you’ve chosen to interpret it.

I don’t understand why you are hanging on and on, looking for whatever crumbs he has chosen to throw your way, at a time that suits him. And why do you ‘helplessly’ love him? You do have some say in this you know!

He has exhibited such lack of consideration or respect for you that I think it would be a very bad move for you to even think about returning to him. If you do, he has already learnt that he can pick you up and drop you whenever suits him. So if he wants a booty call, you’re in. If he wants to have a bit of action with someone else, you’re out. If he needs something, you’re in. But if you need something or support, you’re out. Time to move on OP. And to see why you’re willing to put up with being badly treated.

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117845681#Comment_117845681

I don’t understand this. Surely if his company has said that he can work remotely indefinitely, he can work remotely from Dublin/whatever commuter town he was previously in. Why would he need to look for a new job to move back to Dublin?

Smiley283

Because he said things have really taken a turn for the worst in the sector that he works in so he wanted to get out of it before running the risk of becoming unemployed.

SunnySundays

It's all about him-

He moved West

He decided to break up

He decided he wanted to get back together

He wants you to move closer

He might be moving to the UK

As a couple, those decisions should be discussed and made together. Instead he has told control. Are you happy to spend your life with someone who doesn't consider your opinion,never asks for your view and just controls everything.

I wouldn't get back with him but suspect you will but at a minimum you need to at least have a conversation about being equals rather than him calling all the sorts and about how it needs to change.

Don't go backwards.

If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have dumped you because of covid restrictions. He would have found a way, waited it out, like many other couples have done. Like you said, other couples managed it.

What will be his excuse for dumping you, the next time the going gets tough or the his conditions for your relationship are not ideal?

Leave the past in the past.

Big Bag of Chips

It's not a good sign if he's pushing you away when times get difficult for him. When times get difficult we generally turn to our partner to be the one to support us through it. If he turned to others and very deliberately pushed you away by breaking up with you then that tells you what you need to know about how he views you. And what happens in the future of something crops up in his life. Are you going to be put on standby again?

He was being very unfair by breaking it off with you, yet telling you you might get back together in the future. That's really keeping you on a leash. Keeping you as an option if things don't work out for him elsewhere.

Why did he have to break up with you? Was being in a relationship with you holding him back from being with others closer to home? Now that he's moving away from home, and maybe the local girls he's happy enough to pick back up with you because you're convenient, and obediently sitting waiting because he told you to.

Don't be someone's option. Don't prioritise someone for who you are only an option.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117846506#Comment_117846506

I will try and reply to everyone individually because i am honestly blown away by everyone's responses. The internet can be so kind at times. I really appreciate everyone's input.

I was framing the breakup all along in a way that the reason he broke up with me due to distance was because of the times we found ourselves in and didn't want us to continue picking at each other and fighting until we ended up ruining everything between each other. To be it felt like it wasn't us as people that caused the breakup.. it was just the circumstances that we found ourselves in. But now I am starting to see it at a different angle.. maybe it wasn't the situation we were in at all that caused the breakup. Maybe it really was our personalities clashing all along but the distance/ long down exacerbated the inevitable?

Generally we get along very well in the relationship. However, if i was to nitpick at his personality. What is the male version of a diva called? He can get very frustrated and like things to be done his way or no way. I do find I have to try and calm him down a lot, he can get overwhelmed and anxious about situations like for instance, catching covid-19 although he is healthy and has no underlying health complaints. It did irritate me that he is so anti-vaccine because he is terrified of any possible side effects. I am a lot more easy going and can laugh off stressful situations whereas he finds it a bit more difficult. However, he has a brilliant sense of humour and when things are good between us it feels amazing and i honestly pictured us to spend out lives together.

jakiah

You were with him 2.5 years and he went home to live with his Mammy during the pandemic? Really? This might be acceptable if you were young teens but for grown adults?

Smiley283

His parents are both in their mid to late 70's and need help on the farm as his father does not have the mobility to manage it on his own. His sibling was an essential worker so couldn't be putting the parents at risk.

I never took an issue with him going back to his parents house. He couldn't move in with me because I am in a sharedflat and there wouldn't have been space for him an I to work from my bedroom in my apartment and financially we couldn't afford to rent an apartment together.

Not going to get into the reasons why but for me to move in with him in his usual house wouldn't have been an option at all

Tork

OP, I get the impression you want to get back with him and will do so. That's fine - you're the one who was in this relationship and knows your ex better than we do. There's no way you and he can ever go back to the way you were before this happened and you will always have these nagging feelings in the back of your mind. Maybe that's not a bad thing because I get the feeling you might have been wearing rose-tinted glasses. I'm afraid I'm with the more cynical folk here and would strongly question his motivations through all of this. All of this smacks of him suiting himself and using you as an option. Be careful is all I can advise you to do.

Soilse

Straight up ask him does he see a long term future with the 2 of you together. Can he see himself with you in 10yrs if he can't give you an answer after over 2 yrs together plus time apart to miss you he's just keeping you as the easy option until he finds someone else.

mct1

Things you said in your original post that rang alarm bells when I first read them: "he dumped me because the distance was too hard....I wanted to meet up face to face to discuss this but they wouldn't....I am still helplessly in love with them....The breakup was totally on their terms....I thought that if you truly love someone nothing, not even a 3 hour distance, would get in the way."

Think about this and ask yourself if this sounds like someone you can trust or rely on. What qualities of character does he actually have that you love and admire? If you decide to try again with him at least go back into it with your eyes open and be prepared to walk away.

wildwillow

You are the submissive partner in this relationship. Put more value on yourself and dump him. He is a selfish needy person with no real thoughts for your feelings. Even his parents and their farm is more important than you.

Get out now and take some time to find your self esteem and self worth.

He mistreats you. He calls all the shots. Your relationship is unequal.

It will be very painful but you really must end it.

jill_valentine

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117845615#Comment_117845615

So during the pandemic he was meeting you during pre planned trips with his friends, when it was convenient to him.

He then broke up with you when it was convenient to him.

He wants to get back with you now its convenient to him.

It does not sound like he wants an actual relationship with you as a real person. He wants a Deliveroo driver who brings him company when and if it suits. I don't think you've mentioned a single thing he's done for or offered you yet in the course of your relationship even incidentally.

I think you know what to do, as somebody said above.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847168#Comment_117847168

The comment about a deliveroo driver for company really hurt me there but I think that it hurt me because I know it sounds true.

I'm a private person. I have briefly spoke about this to friends and family a number of times throughout the summer in a matter of fact manner but haven't actually shown anyone that I am feeling hurt and vulnerable. Hence why I turned to the Internet I suppose.

Its difficult for me to have pity for myself and I've tried to just keep busy and keep the "hand it over to a higher power and what will be will be" but after all these comments today it's just made me tap into my feelings more and validated them.

Thank you so much. Obviously I am still processing everyone's words and I won't lie, I have little fantasies built up in my head that everything will return to way it was pre-covid but I guess a number of major red flags are staring me in the face.

It honestly just feels difficult for me because all along I have had little conversations in my head at times when I'm not busy where I am pining for the past and imagining he is standing in front of me where I'm just pleading with him like "I am here, I love you. I would never hurt you and I so badly want this relationship to work. Why won't you let me try to give you the love I have for you". God, now that I have written it out it makes me realise how pathetic my inner thoughts sound.

I just wish I could have the mentality of someone who is like "I deserve to be swept off my feet and blown away, if you don't want me then I'll find someone who will move mountains for me". Currently as it stands that mindset doesn't feel authentic for me to have right now.

Big Bag of Chips

You should never have to beg anyone to let you be part of their life. It's either easy, and works well. Or it doesn't.

jill_valentine

I'm really sorry if I put that harshly. I'm just trying to say he seems to want to be able to turn your company on and off whenever it suits him like a tap, rather than seeing your relationship as a unit you're both in and both working on.

I think there's a good chance that, if you think about it, you've been doing all the actual running and slogging for the both of you, and he's always got a reason he can't keep up his end or contribute to yours. I think you can do better than having to make and run all the moving parts of the relationship by yourself, while he just shows up when he feels like it and gets the benefit.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847763#Comment_117847763

No honestly I appreciate your honest opinion. Thank you for giving me it! You would think at my age I would be able to spot these red flags myself but I guess love is blind and I want to see the outcome my heart desires

I was honestly hoping I was over reacting to the situation and that people would reply telling me that all relationships go through tough times and to give it another go!

Genuinely appreciate each and every comment posted here. I'm going to have sit with all these comments and try organise my thoughts and feelings and confide in cloee friends and family on what is truly going on with me and him.

I understand I amnt valuing myself and I have no doubt if my parents knew the extent of how things have transpired they would be crushed for me.

TheadoreT

Was he consistent or flaky pre covid? Were you always doing more of the heavy lifting or was it easy and mutual?

I think his general character back in normal times should count for something as lockdown affected many peoples mental health in different ways and self sabotaging mindsets with such matters are not uncommon.

That's not to say you're still well within your rights to see his behaviour as a big red flag and that he's done irreparable damage to your trust in him and the sanctity of the relationship.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847876#Comment_117847876

Before covid we saw eachother once (or twice a week if we were lucky) which was sort of frustrating for the both of us but we were only officially in a relationship for jusy over a year when the first lockdown struck in March 2020.

Things were really good between us apart from the frustration of not seeing eachother more. I honestly thought I found 'my person'. We had a brilliant connection which was already based on friendship.

TheadoreT

You didn't really answer my question. Did you have commitment concerns about him pre covid? Who's terms were the meetups/lack of frequency of meet ups on? Frustration usually comes from our feelings that someone could be doing more.

Big Bag of Chips

Why did you not see each other more often? Even after a year you'd be expecting a bit more to the relationship than that. You say you were both frustrated with not seeing more of each other, but were you? Both? It would seem to me if after a year it was something that frustrated you both that you both would have done something about it. From what I can gather you would have liked to meet up more often, so why did it not happen?

Gael23

If he wanted to make it work he would.

just move on with your life and forget about him

Hannibal_Smith

I don't know if you can go back? Would you not always have this doubt or paranoia that if things got rocky again he'd be gone?

Lockdown for sure has pushed people to their limits, but its not a blanket excuse for everything.

Trust your gut.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847924#Comment_117847924

No I didnt have any commitment concerns.. I suppose we were both feeling the rush of a new relationship and were happy. We both have hobbies so some evenings were off limit to meet up because we had our own commitments and then you know you spend certain evenings once or twice a week trying to catch up on meal prepping and washing and drying clothes etc (just the mundane things you need to get done after work) and then I was also studying for an online course so I needed to spend time at it after work.

mrslancaster

I'm looking at this differently to other posters but IME lots of relationships go through rocky patches, people split up and get back together all the time for all kinds of reasons - people make mistakes and behave badly and nobody is perfect. If you had a good relationship before covid and you want to give it another go then maybe you should. You say you still have strong feelings for this guy and if you don't give it a second chance will that be the end of it or will you always wonder if you should have tried again? If you do get back together, you'll be more aware and won't let yourself be treated badly or as his fall-back so you'll need to discuss the ground rules and make sure things change in the future. You'll know soon enough if you made the right decision or not and if it ends again after a short time, you'll walk away with no questions or regrets.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117847929#Comment_117847929

We lived 40 minutes drive from eachother. I don't have access to a car in adublin so I would get public transport to visit him in the evenings but we took it in turns. He would drive into me or I would get the bus out to him. We both have hobbies so some evenings were off limits because of training but I was also studying for a year long online course so I'd have to spend an evening or two studying for it or completing assignments after work.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848346#Comment_117848346

I so badly wanted this relationship to work out. I can't imagine having this connection with anyone else. I just feel so so so hurt that he stayed in the relationship all throughout lockdown and then about 6 weeks after the level 5 restriction lifts he breaks up with me. I would have probably understood the breakup more if it had happened in January or February.

After reading all your replies I feel like why end the relationship once the country reopens and there was nothing stopping us from seeing eachother at the weekends? we both had annual leave carried over from the previous leave year so we still more or less had our full leave entitlements to use for 2021 so we could have gone on trips away together to spend quality time together. He dismissed my suggestions because he was afraid of getting covid. Sorry, I am just ranting now!

I have a lot of opinions to digest now over the next few days. I think its been really difficult for me to even make attempts to recover from the shock of the breakup because he wouldn't meet up face to face to discuss it and I havent seen him since the first week of June.

Apart from being told that lockdown is too hard and that we can see about getting back in the future after covid ends- I really haven't been given any further info on what happened over the past 3 months.

He would contact me to check in on how I was keeping and it was all very surface level information and it honestly just left me feeling like my head was all over the place but I clung to those interactions

road_high

If ever there was a case for blocking a number it is this head ball…

twowheelsonly

I'm sitting on the fence over this one but if you really, really want him back to try again then I'd be inclined to make him do all the running.

When you're speaking to him again and he's talking about getting back together tell him that you're not sure and you'll have to think about it some more.

If you want to go full metal jacket on it you could tell him that someone at work/in the local shop/on the bus is showing interest in you and has asked you out and you're considering it.

If he has to work to get you back he'll appreciate you all the more. If you just go along with his plans you'll be doing that for the rest of your relationship.

From the outside looking in it seems to me like you're in a relationship but he's 'seeing someone' in Dublin.

JP Liz V1

Sit down and talk face to face, put your point across, a relationship is a two way equal street, ye may come back stronger, it's hard when you still love and want him

YellowLead

Have you much experience with relationships OP? I just wonder because, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, you saying that you can’t imagine having that connection with anybody else sort of indicates that to me a little. I don’t want to assume you have low self esteem but from the outside looking in it seems that way. That you might be so craving to be wanted and loved by a man that you are willing to put up with a lot of crap just for breadcrumbs of affection here and there, even if the fact the guy doesn’t care the same way about you is staring you in the face.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848346#Comment_117848346

Great post.

That "What if?" will always linger.

he had a car and yet you still had to get public transport to visit him, 40 minutes away?

He stayed going out with you when there was nothing else to do, then when lockdown lifted a little, he dumped you.

I don't know OP, I wouldn't be worried about 'what ifs' , I would be happy enough I saw the real him.

I think you will go back to him though.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848341#Comment_117848341

2 evenings for meal prep/washing sounds extremely fastidious especially when used as a reason why you couldn't see each other more often. Are you sure you're not coming up with reasons to make yourself sound busier to excuse the fact he wasn't all that bothered in seeing you apart from for the occasional ride once a week? I think if he truly had that new relationship rush you speak of you'd be seeing him more often rather than cooking that lasagna for Thursday night.

I knows it's difficult to admit that perhaps you've wasted 2 years chasing someone who's never quite been as in it as you were but it's important to realise this now to save another potential 2 years of hurt.