Partner Upset with Sex Play

26-07-2021 10:10PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200798/partner-upset-with-sex-play

I told her that I wanted to simulate suffocating her, she didn't seem to be against it.

I was considering writing a long post covering aspects of consent, sexual experience, SSC, RACK, boundaries... but holy **** tapdancing Christ on a stick, anyone who reads the above sentence and thinks that's an appropriate precursor to actually choking during sex needs to take a long, long look at themselves

TheadoreT · 26-07-2021 10:21PM

I've some sympathy for the OP here tbh and some of the replies are a bit harsh.

Consent is a bit of a spectrum I find. Choking probably on the extreme end and should be always communicated first but communication of this sort can be a turn off for some women. Many women enjoy the spontaneity of spanking and hair pulling ect and if you were to ask them first the moment may lose some of the thrill of surprise.

I think the OP may have wanted to try something new to spice up the relationship after a year and it obviously backfired. Hopefully she doesn't overreact too much to this and sees it for what it was.

lulublue22 · 26-07-2021 10:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117665653#Comment_117665653

YellowLead · 26-07-2021 10:35PM

OP looking back over some of your previous threads certainly adds a bit of context (wanting to find a woman to fatten up for your pleasure and previous conviction for assaulting a woman).

I would question if this is the right relationship for you. Both parties need to enjoy rough sex in order for it to work. So she needs to enjoy it - not just tolerate it for your sake.

Might you be better off finding somebody that you do love, somebody with self esteem and the confidence to say no, and somebody who enjoys the same type of sex you do?

I hope it’s not her larger size as fetish being the reason you are with her....

SunnySundays · 26-07-2021 11:56PM

Ah come on! I'm all for experimenting and trying new things but how on earth can you interpret "she didn't seem to be against it" as consent. You didn't get an enthusiastic yes, therefore how could you be sure it was something she was comfortable with?

Seems like you put your own needs well ahead of hers, what was wrong with discussing it in more detail first? Asking if it was something she would like to try etc.

If you can't communicate clearly about sex, you are risking a lot of misunderstanding & leaving yourself open to assault allegations. You need to read situations and responses better than you currently do.

The comments on her weight seems really weird as they don't add to the situation. A slim woman who doesn't comfort eat is like to have the exact same reason if she isn't comfortable or hasn't consent to something that happens sexually.

_Whimsical_ · 27-07-2021 01:58AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117665162#Comment_117665162

This response is beyond ridiculous.

The more I've thought about all this the more appalled I have been, the more I've put myself in that ladies shoes the more utterly chilled I feel.

I no longer think this was any miscommunication, it was an express desire to inflict a terrible violence. If that's what you're seeking of course it had to play out as you describe with no real forewarning. Of course you can't gently reassure in the middle, or go slow, or ask for safe words, or even for consent, you have to do as you did and go straight in at it to garner the kick you're looking for.

That's not just a bit of adventurous play time... you don't play with anyones life, no thrill should have someone's death or disablement or life long trauma hanging in the balance or depend on you not getting carried away. I don't think it's normal or ok to desire to choke another person OP. To seek to try asfixiation yourself is unusual, but it's your life, to seek to inflict that on another who has expressed no interest in it for your pleasure however is very wildly different and sits extremely uneasily. I don't think it is healthy to even contemplate.

I don't think you realise OP, or that some here, recognise just what a traumatic event you've put that girl through. I wonder if she'll always be fearful in future that someone else will pull something like this on her out of the blue again during sex. I think I would have a very hard job trusting anyone again for long while afterwards, even more if it was coming from someone supposed to love and care for me. For some that trauma lasts a lifetime. This was a shocking assault just for your pleasure, please learn the lessons from it now and look at coming at sex from a different angle in future, this is not what it's about and anyone telling you it's just a bit far west on the pleasure spectrum or a spicy vs vanilla issue needs their head read.

Yurt2 · 27-07-2021 03:00AM

F*ckin' hell. When did Graham Dwyer get out of calaboose?

Seriously man, if there's going to be roughness in your sexual life, you need to establish what exactly it is with your partner and get their consent.

Atlantic Dawn · 27-07-2021 03:28AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200798/partner-upset-with-sex-play

Could you not have done something less life endangering as a complete surprise like wore a builders hat or pair of Snickers while you rode her?

Deja Boo · 27-07-2021 04:12AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117664020#Comment_117664020

A.G.R.E.E.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200798/partner-upset-with-sex-play

It is not difficult to explain what happened - you attempted to kill your partner for your own (sense of twisted) pleasure. You are lucky she didn't contact gardai. An apology wouldn't cut it, simple as. She is lucky she found out now and not later - may she find someone who prefers she live thru love making.

Instead of blaming her for (understandably) distancing, look to yourself to determine why you would actually consider choking anyone acceptable behaviour.

If you still find it difficult to understand, ask her father his opinion.

Idle Passerby · 27-07-2021 05:49AM

I find the OP quite disturbing to be honest and I don't think that makes me vanilla or a prude. There's a big difference between "simulating asphyxiation" with a partner who is fully on board and has discussed a safe word, etc. And just randomly choking your partner out of the blue during sex. This seems a lot more like the latter and that would be frankly a terrifying situation for the recipient.

It sounds like theres possibly a bit of low self esteem on the girlfriends part, body issues, less experienced and living at home so possibly younger than OP or at least less worldly wise. Id worry she is going along with situations she isn't confidant enough to say no to.

Sexual kinks are fine if everyone involved is fully aware and a willing participant. Personally this sounds like a guy who just wants to cause harm to a woman. You'd have to wonder about someone who wants to be the choker in this kind of "play" especially with a partner who has expressed no desire for it.

airy fairy · 27-07-2021 06:05AM

The weight thing struck me as a strange thing to add to your query.

And so I looked down the rabbithole and found an early post by you, looking for a feeder, someone who you'd like to grow to a larger woman.

You've picked a woman to be in a relationship with, who has low confidence and self esteem and who comfort eats. Your perfect woman so it seems.

And to spice things up now, you thought she'd go for anything as you've had her under your power. She's probably putting on weight in the last year and you've had control over her without much issue.

It seems that you're perplexed that she has pulled away and you're put out over it.

Good for her, I say. She's had a lucky escape.

Leave her alone.

You've abused the woman by preying on her lack of self esteem and capitolised on your feeder fetish, not to mention the choke incident. And now you've just realised she's not totally under your thumb and is asserting some power by her ignoring you,you've tried to choke her you know?

Stay the **** away from her.

notAMember · 27-07-2021 07:28AM

indeed, the older posts are disturbing.

That post about giving a former wife a “right hiding” leaving her with black eyes and bloody nose stood out too.

You do not have enough self control to participate in breath play. You should not do this to anyone again.

You also need professional help OP. You are now a serial domestic / sexual abuser by having harmed at least two women you were in relationships with.

Caranica · 27-07-2021 07:32AM

OP I too have looked through your post history and see that you're not particularly experienced when it comes to relationships. Do you/have you watched a lot of porn? I'm guessing that that's where this came from? Porn is not real life and remember the actors have consented IRL, and have people standing by to assist should anything go wrong. You just decided to do it without explicit consent.

Repeatedly mentioning her weight and self esteem is a big red flag too. Your early threads show you weren't confident. Is this how you feel power?

Think of this as if a friend was telling you what happened and using this language, would you genuinely be comfortable with a friend who'd just do this because "she didn't seem to object". If a friend told me that they'd no longer be a friend.

Finally, thread title totally downplays what actually happened. It was an assault, not "sex play". She really should go to the Gardai. If you think it's ok to do that without consent, you're a danger to her and others.

27-07-2021 07:34AM

Nothing says sexy love like a bit of face slapping and an oul strangle, eh.

The use of words like breath play - talk about polishing a turd. There are regular enough cases up before the courts in the UK with girls and women being killed from "breath play" and the defendants seek to claim a defense of consent.

Op, how about don't throttle your lover? How about lay off whatever stimulation has caused your senses to need pseudo violence to help you get your rocks off? And quit criticising her appearance in a patronising manner - either leave her or love her.

Honestly, bring back kink shaming. Make intimacy great again.

27-07-2021 07:39AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117665780#Comment_117665780

Consent is a spectrum, is it?

Spanking and choking don't even live on the same planet.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-07-2021 07:47AM

Hawley, have you ever spoken to a counsellor? You have had various threads here over time and I know that some of what you are in to may seem a little extreme for some people. But your sexual preferences do seem quite niche, and I wonder if you need to talk through with someone so that you learn how to get the satisfaction you are looking for, in a careful and safe way.

"She didn't seem against it" isn't the same as "she was very interested and agreed". Rough sex is different to "vanilla" sex. And it needs clear guidelines and agreed safe word/signal between both parties. The fact that this woman is now avoiding you is clear that she's not happy.

I couldn't help but think of Graham Dwyer when reading your post. He picked a vulnerable woman and abused her for his own pleasure. Ultimately killing her. You need to respect your partner and take her needs and desires into account too.

Maybe you just got this wrong, and maybe you felt this was going to be an exciting added something in your sex life. But now you are seeing that your partner wasn't on board. She wasn't comfortable and she didn't agree to it.

Maybe talking to someone yourself can help you work through these issues that you have where you seem to want to control a woman. Kinks and fetishes are fine, when both people are consenting and willing participants. Anything other than that and you have entered very dangerous territory.

Mrcaramelchoc · 27-07-2021 07:48AM

You decided to choke her without asking her. Wow

Communication is the key here i think.

tabby aspreme · 27-07-2021 07:51AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117665653#Comment_117665653

Can you explain how you came to the '' impression'' that this woman liked being slapped

Jequ0n · 27-07-2021 08:25AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666535#Comment_117666535

I read this as the OP now questioning if he had interpreted her response correctly at the time.

OP, your second post does not really clarify a lot of things, but I am not surprised given the responses you received.

I still think communication is the biggest problem you both have. You mentioned twice that you tried practices and that you interpreted her reactions. This alone tells you that she is not clear when she communicates either. She still responds to your text messages with one worded responses, which is in itself another thing you are supposed to interpret.

You really need to speak to her face to face and have a conversation on what exactly everyone wants before this gets totally out of hand, because you will be the one who gets into trouble should something go wrong. I find most women are on board to try out things if a conversation was held beforehand, incl. agreement on a safe word.

And for God's sake: ignore the comments on kink shaming, it's like we're back in the 50s here.

27-07-2021 08:34AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666609#Comment_117666609

Really? Back in the 50s? Because I ain't on the love-bus for a sexy bout of neck pressing and suffocation?

osarusan · 27-07-2021 08:36AM

Jaysus OP, in terms of activities that you absolutely need crystal clear consent for, choking is right up there at the top of the list. I don't think anybody can pretend not to be aware of that.

I think anything at all is fine in a couple's sex life as long as both partners enthusiastically consent to it. In this case, it sounds like she has been going along with things she does't really want to so for a while, but this has pushed her over the line.

Jequ0n · 27-07-2021 08:42AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666640#Comment_117666640

It’s up to each couple to decide what they are into, and quite frankly the type of sex is irrelevant to the discussion.

27-07-2021 08:50AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666663#Comment_117666663

It is precisely not irrelevant though. It takes very little to kill someone with pressure on their throat. They also have a very limited opportunity to respond with safety instructions or alarm as they literally are having their throat compressed and would find it hard to speak!! It is seriously up there on the list of dangerous life-threatening activity. Not in the same category at all as a happy bunch of birch twigs or whatever.

Jequ0n · 27-07-2021 09:05AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666691#Comment_117666691

That’s part of the safe word agreement. If you cannot speak you need to have a non verbal sign that is clear and indicates that the game has to stop.

it really isn’t helpful to shame people for their sexual preferences, particularly if you have no experience with it.

I will not discuss this further on thread but hope that the OP looks into ways to puts these safety measures into play.

27-07-2021 09:10AM

Useful article about this area. cardiac arrest can occur within seconds of throat compression. It is not a mere ''sexual preference''. It is extremely dangerous and has been for some bizarre reason normalised.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex

Erika Lust, one of the world’s only female porn directors, agrees that strangulation and choking scenes now dominate porn. “Face slapping, choking, gagging and spitting has become the alpha and omega of any porn scene and not within a BDSM context,” she says. “These are presented as standard ways to have sex when, in fact, they are niches

27-07-2021 09:13AM

https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/

notAMember · 27-07-2021 12:24PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666609#Comment_117666609

There's a huge gap between a kink, where both parties are willing participants, and abuse causing harm (assault in this case), which is what this clearly was. Claiming it is a kink is missing the two key facts here.

1- There was no consent.

2- The victim has retreated, avoiding the OP

Trying to dress a terrifying assault up as a forward-thinking sexually liberal viewpoint is disingenuous and does nobody any favours. Doing anything as risky as this against the wishes of the woman involved is not a kink by any measure.

27-07-2021 12:56PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666663#Comment_117666663

Only this isn't something the couple decided they were into.

He mentioned he'd like to try it, and because she didn't say no outright, he took that as a green light and to go ahead without a proper discussion on how to proceed safely, or clear consent.

I for one don't accept that a forty something year old man whose been married before doesn't understand consent, and my guess at this stage given the rest of the history that has come to light I don't buy this as "miscommunication". I believe he knew damn well if he asked for consent, he wouldn't have been given it.

TBH this is one of the more disturbing threads I've read on PI so far, and what is also disturbing is those who are trying to downplay the seriousness of what happened here.

"She didn't do enough to stop him so she is as responsible".

"Consent is a spectrum."

[For women] "Communication of this sort can be a turn off".

Victim blaming and rape culture. Its really not a myth.

OP - if you take anything away from this thread let it be this.

CONSENT

If it's not a clear yes, that means NO.

StringerBell · 27-07-2021 01:02PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666409#Comment_117666409

Wow

mlem123 · 27-07-2021 01:04PM

Op, as someone who has been to kink events and is active in the lifestyle, what you did would have you banned for life from those places. Breath play is often banned at these events completely. It’s so irresponsible for you (the bigger, stronger and more experienced person) to ensure safety of your sub. I also assume you’re 10+ years older than her if she’s at home?

Just randomly grabbing someone’s throat is so dangerous, have you researched safer techniques? (Note no completely “safe” way)

Respecting your partner is so important so when you just use her to try things you fancy with no input from her it shows how you really view her.

Finally, you can’t figure out a way to ask for consent without killing the mood, maybe it’s your game that needs looking at, it’s truly not that hard

Partner Upset with Sex Play

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