Partner Upset with Sex Play

hawley

We have been in relationship for over a year, but don't live together. Basically I attempted to choke her during sex last week and now she has become very distant. I haven't seen her in five days and have only received one word message replies. It's difficult to explain what happened. She was upset afterwards and I apologized to her. She has issues with her weight and can be prone to comfort eating. I told her that I wanted to simulate suffocating her, she didn't seem to be against it.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200798/partner-upset-with-sex-play

I wouldnt blame her being honest.

YellowLead

I think that was a risky move if you didn’t ask her first? Not everybody is very sexually experienced or experienced on the non compete vanilla and she may now associate you with being physically abusive. You should talk to her about it. Call her up apologies that it was out of the blue and then have an adult conversation about what you are both into.

Jequ0n

Well she hasn’t rejected the idea so, like you, I would have read this as green light. Classic case of miscommunication.

If you want to salvage this you will need to make the first move and an apology will most likely get you in the door.

you should probably discuss using a safe word going forward, which will make this easier to manage.

Loveinapril

Not seeming to be "against it" is not consent. You did not ask permission first so I can see why she would be upset.

Dave0301

Not sure what relevance the comfort eating comment has?

Your post and the fact you say it is difficult to explain makes it sound like there is more to it possibly?

However, depending on if she actually gave explicit consent, or maybe you were more rough than you intended, she would be well within her rights to be upset with you.

She didn't seem to be against it doesn't exactly sound like she was chomping at the bit either...

lulublue22

She didn’t seem to reject the issue or she didn’t reject the issue ? They are two very different things. Did you actually ask can I stimulate suffocating you during sex or did you simply say it in a oh I’d love to stimulate suffocating you during sex in a by the way / random type conversation ? It’s not clear from your post but based on what you have written I think you were in the wrong as it certainly seems you weren’t specific and got specific consent. I’d be unhappy too if I was in her position as it seems from your post that you half floated the issue but weren’t explicit enough and she probably felt blindsided. I think too there is a difference between stimulating suffocation which indicates placing your hands on someones neck and actually having your hands around someones neck and adding pressure. At any stage during it did you ask are you ok ? Am I squeezing too tight etc ? Did you stop when you realised things were going wrong ?

I’m not sure what her comfort eating and being over weight has to do with the situation ?

Maybe she really really didn’t like it and it has forced her to reconsider the relationship ? She’s obviously very upset if she is giving one word answers a week later.

It does seem that there was a miscommunication between ye but I think you need to own that one.

honeyjo

This why consent is so important. If a partner did this to me I would end the relationship. You don't seem to understand that this is a deal breaker and you broke her trust.

_Whimsical_

If you were engaging in this wouldn't it be more likely to intensify her pleasure than because you enjoy potentially choking someone?

Asking a partner to do it to you is a vastly different thing to expressing a desire to suffocate a partner, you're essentially saying to them I want to hold your life in my hands for kicks. The truth is most people are going to be horrified by that even in theory, no matter how open-minded they are. I'm unnerved by you mentioning her weight in this context too, what does that have to do with anything? It sounds like a criticism. Someone with any critical intent doing that would be pretty terrible.

If you did float this idea with her I'd expect you'd have talked about it before quite a bit and made sure she was definitely up for it, at least enthusiastically curious, have discussed how much pressure she'd be ok with, a role playish scenario where you didn't really stress her body or a full on suffocation,talk about how you'd stop the second she wanted, how she'd communicate this to you etc. I'd think you'd ask directly again before you lay a finger on her neck and have her say an explicit yes, start gently and work up to it making sure she's ok if she's never done this before and it's not her fantasy wish but a fulfillment of yours. I'd expect you to demonstrate at least that care for her welfare and life and her basic comfort and enjoyment.

It sounds like none of this was part of your process. If you just went for it without all this I'd think she's probably deeply traumatised and upset, and sadly somewhat scared of you now. That would be the average woman's response, man too in the same circumstance.

The truth is most people are not into this sort of thing at ALL. I can't imagine for the life of me how you'd just go straight in on a "seemed ok with it".

she's just not into a bit of rough and this wasn't communicated correctly

or

maybe she is and didn't think she would be, and is conflicted/embarrassed about it now

as mentioned, communication was the problem here....

All you can do it address it head on, apologise and work from there on chatting about boundaries

But remember, it might not be salvageable, and that's OK too from both sides

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200798/partner-upset-with-sex-play

Didn't seem against it? What the hell?

This isn't accidentally pinching a nipple too tight or being too vigorous on the frenulum. You do not go near what you proposed without damn clear communication and agreement.

In terms of what you can do? You can only explain that you believed she had consented and hope that is enough for her. You, unfortunately, may have made her question if you two are sexually compatible. That will be on her to decide.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

Green Peter and tony1kenobi - your posts have been deleted. When replying to threads in Personal Issues/relationship Issues posters are asked to offer constructive advice to an OP. If you have no practical advice please move on to another thread.

Thanks

HS

notAMember

Sweet mother of god.

I'd have you reported to the gardai for attempted murder. You don't just attempt to choke someone.

mlem123

So she’s indicated she’s not against smothering and you took that as going in to choke? It doesn’t have to be a mood killer to ask if it’s ok for you to try something in the heat of the moment, consent is key here and the issue is you never asked for it.

Texting her isn’t going to help too much I don’t think, if you want to apologise and talk it through you’ll have to reach out and take the L on this one, own up and apologise to her

StringerBell

Obviously boards is a more vanilla place than I thought, it sounds like miscommunication as much as anything else OP.

It's possible you were also a bit too rough with he choke or did it the wrong way and genuinely scared her? If you misread the signals and she was actually not okay with that kind of sex play at all then clearly that is going to be a big problem to deal with now.

Either way to resolve it and move forward you need to have an open and adult conversation about it. I know the sex talk can be awkward but it is necessary to a healthy sex life imo.

First off you need to nail down that the actual issue was and go from there.

notAMember

It's a bit much suggesting it's "vanilla" to understand the basics of consent. Especially around breath-play. You need to trust your partner to not accidentally kill you. So it's a little bit more than a simple miscommunication given what's at risk actually is death / brain damage for this woman.

To be accurate, this woman has now been the victim of a sexual assault. So I'm not surprised she's not talking to you, that's the least of your worries tbh.

OP, Don't do this to any other women either. Whether they have weight issues or not.

Jequ0n

Whether or not this woman sees herself as a victim is entirely up to her and not to posters here, OP.

Talk to her and work out an agreement process to avoid miscommunication going forward.

Ash.J.Williams

She'll be back....

lulublue22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117664418#Comment_117664418

I don’t know if you ment that to be as creepy as **** but it sure is. It’s up there with the OP’s comment re weight and comfort eating.

OP going forward make sure you have explicit consent if you want to choke someone during sex.

If you want to salvage a relationship with this woman give her time to process what has happened. Own your culpability in this and apologise profusely. Be prepared despite her weight and comfort eating that she may actually have the self esteem to say no this is not for me and give you the boot or she may decide she is fine with it. Either way you need to ensure that in future you get explicit consent for any sex play.

You really should have had a proper discussion about this before just "going for it" and part of that discussion should have been clear communication on a safe word, or signal BEFORE you ever tried anything.

You may or may not be able to salvage a relationship with this woman, she may find it very difficult to trust you again. But if not, take it as a lesson learned.

Never ever engage in breath play without clear consent and understanding of your partner's limits and a safe word or signal agreed upon first.

Caranica

Consent, consent, consent. Breath play (because of its risks) needs absolute consent. I'd be kicking you to the kerb and you could count yourself lucky not to be reported to the Gardai.

OP please do some reading on consent, and have specific conversations before trying this or any risky activities in the future. I'm far from vanilla but it's top of my "absolutely not" list.

Frankie Machine

OP - strictly on the assumption that you didn't literally intend to choke her...

Don't worry about it. Don't overthink it. She either liked it or she didn't and time will tell.

Since you, according to yourself ''told her that I wanted to simulate suffocating her, she didn't seem to be against it'', then she didn't do enough, for her own sake, to indicate a preference against you doing it.

That's how the real world works, or at least should. You're not more responsible for an another adult's safety than they are for their own.

Ignore all the stupid talk here about calling the Gardaí.

MAULBROOK

She was upset afterwards and I apologized to her. She has issues with her weight and can be prone to comfort eating.

WTF has that got to do with anything.

PressRun

Don't understand how anyone could suggest that other people are being "vanilla" for criticising someone for attempting choking without explicit consent during sex. That is a scary thing to do to someone without prior conversation about it. It just isn't okay and I wouldn't be surprised at all if she isn't interested in seeing you anymore.

It's one thing to casually discuss something and quite another to actually say "do you want to try this some time? How would you like to explore it?" Saying "she didn't seem against it" is not the same as her saying that she is into it and happy to experiment with it.

Also, it's worth pointing out that a lot of people who experiment with breath play aren't even doing it right and using the incorrect technique is how people end up frightened, hurt or even dying. You need to be sure about what you're doing. And never, ever spring this on someone during sex without having a proper discussion about it. It's dangerous and disrespectful, frankly.

OP, please ignore all the stupid talk trying to turn this around and somehow make your girlfriend to blame for what happened. 😡

radiotrickster

If she didn’t enthusiastically consent (which she didn’t, seeing as you say she wasn’t against it which isn’t a yes), then you shouldn’t have done it.

You took advantage of the situation, abused this woman and she’s likely terrified of you.

And bringing her weight and eating habits into it is completely unrelated. I don’t know if you were suggesting that she’s not as confident in bed because of her weight, but it’s just thrown in to distract from the fact that this woman did not consent to being choked but you did it anyway.

lulublue22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117665162#Comment_117665162

That’s pure rubbish - there is a power dynamic at play here in terms of physical strength between op and partner . By virtue of his strength in relation to his partner he most certainly has a responsibility for her safety.

consent in any sexual encounter is a must - even more so when there is a clear power dynamic at play and or potential for risk . she seemed not to mind is not the same as she consented to me trying to choke her. While I don’t think for one minute that the op literally intended to hurt or scare her- his description of events raises huge red flags around the issue of consent and safety - from his description it seems a poorly thought out venture initiated by the op without a clear discussion with both parties on the same page with clear boundaries. For his own sake if this is something he would like to continue to partake in he needs to accept responsibility for what happened and ensure that in future he has explicit consent and a either a safety word or signal organised before hand.

Jequ0n

Every comment is just based on what the OP stated in one post. There is little information and no details on a lot of things people are wondering about.

Seriously, based on some of the comments most people would not come back to comment/ clarify.

Maybe the OP acted like a dick, maybe he didn't, every situation is different. I have come across women who later "confessed" that they had disliked something we had tried, but that they didn't say it at the time. One said she had felt fine at first (adrenaline and the like) but felt terrible later with a delayed reaction.

It's not always black and white, and might just need a conversation to clear up boundaries. Likewise it might have been a boundary transgression that is too great to oversee.

Best of luck, OP.

Frankie Machine

OP -

I would reiterate that you need not berate yourself too much. Learn and move on, as in all areas of life.

Sometimes outsiders need their judgemental pound of flesh, but that she was/is upset is not necessarily grounds to think at all in terms of 'blame', for either of you.

It was a simple mis-communication with someone you've been intimate with for a significant amount of time. It's not as though it was a one night stand with a total stranger who speaks a foreign language. Just for perspective.

I would leave the ball in her court now though, communication-wise.

hawley

It's hard to fully explain what actually happened, but thanks for the advice. I'm in 40s have children from a previous relationship, she still lives at home, so I am much more experienced in life. She has issues with her weight and appearance. I can't say if I'm in love, but we have a good relationship. We previously had rough play, such as face slapping etc. I had the impression that she liked it, but am now thinking I could be wrong.

YellowLead

OP have you both ever talked about what you enjoy sexually? Or do you just do things and she doesn’t say she doesn’t like it? You say you are ‘under the impression’ she liked it - would you not ask? Not criticising you - but you are the older one here and need to take care as she doesn’t seem able to express herself but sometimes that comes with maturity/experience. She may suffer from low self esteem (just from what you said about the weight and comfort eating) and may feel that she should do whatever you like even if it makes her uncomfortable just to keep a boyfriend - but the choking pushed it too far. Communication is the most important part of sex - you both need to work on that it would seem.

Finally - if it’s been a year and you are not feeling a love vibe...should you consider moving on for both your sakes?