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One-Liner Jokes

1…8990929495…118

Comments

  • #4552
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Deleted User wrote: »
    My partner told me she thought I was average. I thought she was mean.
    Are you in a bad mode ?


  • #4553
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    As jokes go, these last few are mediocre.


  • #4554
    Potatopie
    Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭Potatopie


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Are you in a bad mode ?

    Sounds like she doesn't appreciate you for a fraction of your worth!!
    She should be nice as pi to you!


  • #4555
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Everyone has heard of Karl Marx but, very little is known about his sister, Áine


  • #4556
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Identity theft is the sincerest form of flattery

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4557
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Went to a multiple personality disorder workshop. Took forever to do the name tags.


  • #4558
    BENDYBINN
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,865 ✭✭✭BENDYBINN


    MOR316 wrote: »
    Everyone has heard of Karl Marx but, very little is known about his sister, Áine

    Or Skid Marx?


  • #4559
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Identity theft is the sincerest form of flattery
    My friend had his ID stolen.

    We have to call him Dav now.


  • #4560
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MOR316 wrote: »
    Everyone has heard of Karl Marx but, very little is known about his sister, Áine


    They say she took off somewhere in a fierce hurry.


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  • #4561
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I like a woman who wears beads. You know you can count on her.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4562
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    MOR316 wrote: »
    Everyone has heard of Karl Marx but, very little is known about his sister, Áine

    Don’t get me started about her. It’s a trigger for me and I’ll just go off!


  • #4563
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,634 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    I've seen Iron Man with no clothes on - seriously, he was Stark naked....

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #4564
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    A report coming in that the 'Rev' Al Green was in a car accident today. We are informed he was the sole occupant.


  • #4565
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Contestants on Love Island are fcucking shocking this year.


  • #4566
    dickdasr1234
    Registered Users Posts: 508 ✭✭✭dickdasr1234


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Contestants on Love Island are fcucking shocking this year.
    What do you call a fly with no wings?
















    A walk!


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  • #4567
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just bought some rare Chinese Tippex,apparently it's a correctors item.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4568
    dickdasr1234
    Registered Users Posts: 508 ✭✭✭dickdasr1234


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Just bought some rare Chinese Tippex,apparently it's a correctors item.
    Funny forum this: apparently, it is unacceptable to call an idiot an idiot but racist comments are hunkydory.


  • #4569
    accensi0n
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,805 ✭✭✭accensi0n


    dickdasr1234 wrote: »
    Funny forum this: apparently, it is unacceptable to call an idiot an idiot but racist comments are hunkydory.

    Fawgibbaness pwease.


  • #4570
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,634 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    dickdasr1234 wrote: »
    What do you call a fly with no wings?















    A walk!

    What do you call a walk with no legs?

    A sit...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #4571
    RobAMerc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,863 ✭✭✭RobAMerc


    whats blue and smells like red paint?



















    blue paint.......


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  • #4572
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A ship carrying red paint collied with a ship carrying blue paint. The survivors were marooned.


  • #4573
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    dickdasr1234 wrote: »
    What do you call a fry with no wings?
















    A Wok!
    ­

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4574
    dickdasr1234
    Registered Users Posts: 508 ✭✭✭dickdasr1234


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    ­
    Nah, that's just TOO clever!


  • #4575
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Never Marry a tennis player, love means nothing to them.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4576
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Never Marry a tennis player, love means nothing to them.


    Never a good match.


  • #4577
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The world record holding dodge ball champion has passed away.

    He'll be missed by everyone.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4578
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The world record holding dodge ball champion has passed away.

    He'll be missed by everyone.


    "In death as in life"


  • #4579
    Flinty997
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,605 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The world record holding dodge ball champion has passed away.

    He'll be missed by everyone.

    He didn't dodge that...


  • #4580
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The world record holding dodge ball champion has passed away.

    He'll be missed by everyone.

    Was trying to understand what the joke was here but then it hit me!


  • #4581
    Flinty997
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,605 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Was trying to understand what the joke was here but then it hit me!

    Obviously not in his league....


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  • #4582
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Flinty997 wrote: »
    Obviously not in his league....

    If you can dodge a wench you can dodge a ball!


  • #4583
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    joeguevara wrote: »
    If you can dodge a wench you can dodge a ball!
    How does a northsider propose ?

    "you're bleedin' wah ?"


  • #4584
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    How does a northsider propose ?

    "you're bleedin' wah ?"


    Southsider proposal. 'We really should file joint tax returns'


  • #4585
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Doctor I have a problem, every morning I pee at 7.30 and then do a big poo at 8.00 like clockwork.



    'That's normal, no problem at all.'


    'But Doc, I don't get out of bed till 8.30!'


  • #4586
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Welcome to the first ever meeting of the Sexual Innuendo Club.


    Thank you all for coming.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4587
    JP Liz V1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 87,503 ✭✭✭✭JP Liz V1


    How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

    Give them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from

    https://forumofgames.com/




  • #4588
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The wife shouted at me the other day ‘You are not listening to a single word I am saying are you?!’.


    I thought, ‘that’s a strange way to start a conversation’


    🕺

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4589
    Doublebusy
    Registered Users Posts: 210 ✭✭Doublebusy


    I went to an alcoholics birthday party, he blew out the birthday cake candles and a flame came out his mouth



  • #4590
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Of all the different blood groups, Type-O's make the most spelling mistakes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4591
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Used to hang out at the gym all the time, then a trainer told me to wear long pants.


    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4592
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/ChesterCath/status/1416774767353352194




  • #4593
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks



    Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4594
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I needed to create storage space on my wall, so I went to the library and asked if they had any books on shelves.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4595
    FishOnABike
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,548 ✭✭✭FishOnABike


    Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?



    because one egg is un oeuf.



  • #4596
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    And the Lord said unto Luke, "Come forth & receive eternal life." Luke came fifth and won a toaster...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4597
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Three times now my friends have promised to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and three times they've failed to show up.

    Here I go again on my own.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4598
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

    It's a little fit bunny...

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4599
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife just called me from work to say that 2 girls in her office had received flowers this morning and they were absolutely gorgeous.

    I said ‘That’s probably why they received flowers!!’

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4600
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What's with the hate towards lazy people?

    They haven't done anything!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4601
    smillingsam
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 55 ✭✭smillingsam


    I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.



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