Marriage in doubt over relocation.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 08:47PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I never said there was anything wrong with it, and indeed I said previously that it's to your credit that you made the move.

But you have only tried living in Dublin for three months, and already are expressing your unhappiness and pushing for her to return to your county, whereas she put up with living in your village for 8 full years. So I get why she is getting so angry and frustrated with you.

You may not think it logical, but it does sound like she has been planning this for some time - either with or without you. She did tell you that she wanted to live in Dublin and maybe start a business. I think you may have thought she would never act on it, and would eventually drop those ideas?

The compromise you offered was Drogheda or Dundalk, both of which, in fairness, can't really be called "close to the city centre" for her - especially when she is still on a learner permit.

Anyway, I actually think the area where the apartment is has really exacerbated your problems, because even us born-and-bred-Dubliners will admit it's not a great area. I think the only chance you have of saving the marriage, is a move to a more suitable housing situation, and yes, if I haven't said it already, professional counselling, as I don't think you really take her seriously, and I think she gets very frustrated with you.

As they say, communication is the key. I really do wish you the best of luck.

Yes and thanks I appreciate that input.

Btw she unblocked me so I have being just talking to her. It would seem she doesn’t want to go down the road if separation by the vibe of the conversation because there would be no point in her staying in Ireland as she put it and wouldn’t like the idea of the kids coming back here to s house that I would be telling them how good it is and how bad the apartment/city is this kind of thing so is this a soft way of threatening me with the kids am wondering?

Again this is how it usually ends and it would appear to me she won’t back down and for the sake of saving the marriage I have no other choice to go with it see how it plays out, I don’t know anymore.

I know, the area had me concerned to think my kids were here when instead of rushing into it could have being a better alternative.

I have being blocked again before getting texts of how bad me and my family are am beginning to think she has a problem more so than me I mean what is this?

04-07-2021 09:06PM

francie81 wrote: »

Yes and thanks I appreciate that input.

Btw she unblocked me so I have being just talking to her. It would seem she doesn’t want to go down the road if separation by the vibe of the conversation because there would be no point in her staying in Ireland as she put it and wouldn’t like the idea of the kids coming back here to s house that I would be telling them how good it is and how bad the apartment/city is this kind of thing so is this a soft way of threatening me with the kids am wondering?

Again this is how it usually ends and it would appear to me she won’t back down and for the sake of saving the marriage I have no other choice to go with it see how it plays out, I don’t know anymore.

I know, the area had me concerned to think my kids were here when instead of rushing into it could have being a better alternative.

This does sound like emotional blackmail, and its not fair.

I wouldn't entertain any veiled threats about her leaving the country with your children if you don't bend to her wishes. No, no, no, thats not on. That's fighting dirty.

Gently remind her, that your children were born here, are habitually resident in Ireland, and you are their full and equal joint guardian, and have joint custody.

(As an aside, she would need your permission to acquire passports for the kids and also to remove them from the country, but thats a discussion for another thread).

francie81 · 04-07-2021 09:33PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

This does sound like emotional blackmail, and its not fair.

I wouldn't entertain any veiled threats about her leaving the country with your children if you don't bend to her wishes. No, no, no, thats not on. That's fighting dirty.

Gently remind her, that your children were born here, are habitually resident in Ireland, and you are their full and equal joint guardian, and have joint custody.

(As an aside, she would need your permission to acquire passports for the kids and also to remove them from the country, but thats a discussion for another thread).

Unbelievable, I think it’s high time I got legal advice.

Well I was thinking of going back tonight when she unblocked and called me but what was I thinking, and with my sons birthday on Tuesday it’s unlikely I’ll be there for it perhaps she will allow a call at least.

04-07-2021 09:48PM

Blocking you is childish, and resolves nothing, not going to disagree with you there. It also cuts of contact to your children, which is not on.

There is no harm in arming yourself with some basic legal information on separation and custody / access issues, even if its just so the things she is firing at you doesn't cause you additional anxiety.

Have a good read of the publications on *www.treoir.ie. It is mainly aimed at unmarried parents, but a lot of the information in its publications section relates to married parents too.

In your shoes I would go and see your child on their birthday, if you don't think it would lead to a scene in front of the kids.

*they have a section on international child abduction and what you can do if you feel your child is at risk.

04-07-2021 09:52PM

Priority is for her not to take the kids out of Ireland.

Get legal advice asap as it sounds like ye are incapable of working this out so you need to understand fully where you stand should things go bad and how you can position things best for the kids and sort out your own accommodation situation.

The things she is saying could be immaturity or it could be a woman who wants out but hasn't pulled the trigger just yet.

Flac.ie

If you feel like you have given too many identifying details here I assume the moderators will delete the thread for you.

hello2020 · 05-07-2021 12:18AM

Can you try to stay in Dublin on weekends n at the county during the week?
Give it a try for a year at least for your self n kids?
many father's working in UK or Europe to give their kids good life back home..
There are many good paying jobs in Dublin n u may try to take that up ...

francie81 · 05-07-2021 12:28AM

hello2020 wrote: »

Can you try to stay in Dublin on weekends n at the county during the week?
Give it a try for a year at least for your self n kids?
many father's working in UK or Europe to give their kids good life back home..
There are many good paying jobs in Dublin n u may try to take that up ...

What do you mean by the first line staying in two different places?

hello2020 · 05-07-2021 12:45AM

francie81 wrote: »

What do you mean by the first line staying in two different places?

I mean this way u can save your relationship n still work at your current job...
I have at least two colleagues whose family is living in a different city while they work in Dublin.
One of my Pakistani friend is a consultant with NHS working in UK while his family lives in Dublin...
This is what I meant about living in two places

francie81 · 05-07-2021 12:49AM

hello2020 wrote: »

I mean this way u can save your relationship n still work at your current job...
I have at least two colleagues whose family is living in a different city while they work in Dublin.
One of my Pakistani friend is a consultant with NHS working in UK while his family lives in Dublin...
This is what I meant about living in two places

Right so reside next to my job on weekdays and be with my family in Dublin on weekends? Somehow I doubt that kind of arrangement would go down well.

hello2020 · 05-07-2021 12:56AM

francie81 wrote: »

Right so reside next to my job on weekdays and be with my family in Dublin on weekends? Somehow I doubt that kind of arrangement would go down well.

Well you should give it a try for a year n see how it goes..
works well for many in my experience...

05-07-2021 01:20AM

They must all have high paying jobs or a company willing to cover the additional accommodation costs;)

qwerty13 · 05-07-2021 02:00AM

Did you not say that your job would be 40/50 mins commute if you were travelling from the apartment in Dublin, or did I misunderstand that? That’s not an especially long commute.

I think you should give the apartment in Dublin a year to give it a fair chance.

Slutmonkey57b · 05-07-2021 02:05AM

My god. Starting from the most recent, given your almost illegible updates here, I am not surprised she is temporarily blocking your number, it must be like listening to a cauldron of recycled verbal diarrhoea.

You've been told early in this thread to look back at this with open eyes and you're still harping on about the unreasonable hard done by travesty of what's been inflicted on you.

At 30 you married someone who was 21. That's a massive age gap and you needed to have a very strong connection and communication to bridge it. You clearly didn't, you only met her once.

Next, you brought someone from a vastly different culture who was living in Saudi and dubai to... Rural Louth. Possibly the most tedious ****hole outside of cavan. And did what? Set down a plan for how things would work financially and how the two of you would live? Worked on your long term goals? Had conversations about how your bring up kids, or when you'd have them? Actually listened to her hopes and dreams, and thought about how you could support her in them? Wondered if, maybe, rural louth would be a bit of a come down from dubai and might need some reconsidering?

Nope. You got her pregnant straight off, left her in a backwoods nowhereville where she was getting abused, listened to her get more and more frustrated, and... Poddled along happily ignoring it all? Did nothing about improving life? Got financially *worse off*?

I've no doubt her current situation is a mad knee jerk reaction with little hope of working out, but you have to ask yourself, what's her alternative?

Spend 20 years in the arse end of the bog watching the older man who's supposed to be more mature, stable, and a considerate partner and supporter in life... faff around with no plan, ambition, financial security or interest in her as a person? Complain he's got to go an hour up the road to work (against traffic) and its a huge move that she doesn't understand because of the upheval?

Your wife wants to live somewhere that isn't a boring sithole where there's a possibility of doing something with a chance of improving life culturally, financially, and emotionally. Culturally and financially, that's not drogheda, dundalk, or louth. Emotionally, it doesn't seem to be with you either because you've failed to listen to or support her for 8 years.

Get an impartial mediator to sit between you next time you're talking and come out of it with a list of thing you both need and want out of a marriage.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 06:00PM

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

My god. Starting from the most recent, given your almost illegible updates here, I am not surprised she is temporarily blocking your number, it must be like listening to a cauldron of recycled verbal diarrhoea.

You've been told early in this thread to look back at this with open eyes and you're still harping on about the unreasonable hard done by travesty of what's been inflicted on you.

At 30 you married someone who was 21. That's a massive age gap and you needed to have a very strong connection and communication to bridge it. You clearly didn't, you only met her once.

Next, you brought someone from a vastly different culture who was living in Saudi and dubai to... Rural Louth. Possibly the most tedious ****hole outside of cavan. And did what? Set down a plan for how things would work financially and how the two of you would live? Worked on your long term goals? Had conversations about how your bring up kids, or when you'd have them? Actually listened to her hopes and dreams, and thought about how you could support her in them? Wondered if, maybe, rural louth would be a bit of a come down from dubai and might need some reconsidering?

Nope. You got her pregnant straight off, left her in a backwoods nowhereville where she was getting abused, listened to her get more and more frustrated, and... Poddled along happily ignoring it all? Did nothing about improving life? Got financially *worse off*?

I've no doubt her current situation is a mad knee jerk reaction with little hope of working out, but you have to ask yourself, what's her alternative?

Spend 20 years in the arse end of the bog watching the older man who's supposed to be more mature, stable, and a considerate partner and supporter in life... faff around with no plan, ambition, financial security or interest in her as a person? Complain he's got to go an hour up the road to work (against traffic) and its a huge move that she doesn't understand because of the upheval?

Your wife wants to live somewhere that isn't a boring sithole where there's a possibility of doing something with a chance of improving life culturally, financially, and emotionally. Culturally and financially, that's not drogheda, dundalk, or louth. Emotionally, it doesn't seem to be with you either because you've failed to listen to or support her for 8 years.

Get an impartial mediator to sit between you next time you're talking and come out of it with a list of thing you both need and want out of a marriage.

Whilst I agree to an extent in what you just said as far as immaturity is concerned whilst everything else is of pure utter biased opinion.

Btw she is not from Dubai nor Saudi and I was also not aware that there is absolutely no hope for anyone by living outside of a city environment.

Let me ask have you ever had a phone pointed at you (in tears) as proof you will never again go against ones wishes? Have you ever being emotionally blackmailed? Is your idea of throwing 3 kids into a 2 bed apartment bang in a city centre (in the hope a career takes off like rocket) the perfect relocation plan?

Honestly what planet are you on because I suspect your ideology leaves a lot to be desired.

05-07-2021 07:10PM

She has moved. The lease is sighed. HAP is in place. It is what it is now for the next 8 to 20 months at least. The only question now it seems if you are going to be living in Summerhill without complaining about it and bringing additional tension to the situation or sharing a house with other singles in Louth and seeing your kids every second weekend. She doesn't seem to want to negotiate on this so if you keep trying to it will just lead to another argument. In the short term it is her way or the highway.

I know I've say the same thing 3 different ways in the same paragraph to really highlight the situation.

If I were you I would bite my tongue and put a smile on and come back to the idea of moving elsewhere in Dublin but still close the the city center (think Beaumont/Santry) in a year from now when she has had a chance to see what it is like to live in Dublin city center as she didn't get a chance to do it or go to college when she was younger and get it out of her system like many people did and they relocate back to somewhere more family friendly later on. I understand her getting frustrated as she was only 21 when she found herself pregnant in a small Irish town and didn't get to live life a bit more before she had to stay home changing nappies.

Basically for the next year don't compare Louth to Dublin in any way. Make the most of it and keep the sunny side out.

If you are not wiling to play by her rules for the next year you may as well just walk away now. There is no compromise to be had. She wants her city center experience with or without you.

Really don't know how else to say it. You are still looking at how unreasonable she is and how you can make her see sense when none of that is an option available to you.

She didn't wait until everything was perfectly planned because it never would have been as there would always have been something standing in the way of the move to Dublin and she did what she felt she needed to do especially as she seems quite clued into her social welfare entitlements and that she can go her separate ways and be looked after financially by the state.

I feel like you are about to say something starting with 'but' which means you still don't really get where she is coming from on this and what the reality of the situation is if you don't just agree to what she wants now and embrace the change and get out of your comfort zone:)

Best of luck with this Francie. However it turns out I hope it is what is best for everyone.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 07:43PM

whatnow! wrote: »

She has moved. The lease is sighed. HAP is in place. It is what it is now for the next 8 to 20 months at least. The only question now it seems if you are going to be living in Summerhill without complaining about it and bringing additional tension to the situation or sharing a house with other singles in Louth and seeing your kids every second weekend. She doesn't seem to want to negotiate on this so if you keep trying to it will just lead to another argument. In the short term it is her way or the highway.

I know I've say the same thing 3 different ways in the same paragraph to really highlight the situation.

If I were you I would bite my tongue and put a smile on and come back to the idea of moving elsewhere in Dublin but still close the the city center (think Beaumont/Santry) in a year from now when she has had a chance to see what it is like to live in Dublin city center as she didn't get a chance to do it or go to college when she was younger and get it out of her system like many people did and they relocate back to somewhere more family friendly later on. I understand her getting frustrated as she was only 21 when she found herself pregnant in a small Irish town and didn't get to live life a bit more before she had to stay home changing nappies.

Basically for the next year don't compare Louth to Dublin in any way. Make the most of it and keep the sunny side out.

If you are not wiling to play by her rules for the next year you may as well just walk away now. There is no compromise to be had. She wants her city center experience with or without you.

Really don't know how else to say it. You are still looking at how unreasonable she is and how you can make her see sense when none of that is an option available to you.

She didn't wait until everything was perfectly planned because it never would have been as there would always have been something standing in the way of the move to Dublin and she did what she felt she needed to do especially as she seems quite clued into her social welfare entitlements and that she can go her separate ways and be looked after financially by the state.

I feel like you are about to say something starting with 'but' which means you still don't really get where she is coming from on this and what the reality of the situation is if you don't just agree to what she wants now and embrace the change and get out of your comfort zone:)

Best of luck with this Francie. However it turns out I hope it is what is best for everyone.

That was very well put and thanks. I guess it would be imperative to be there for my sons birthday tomorrow and go from there.

05-07-2021 07:47PM

francie81 wrote: »

Is your idea of throwing 3 kids into a 2 bed apartment bang in a city centre (in the hope a career takes off like rocket) the perfect relocation plan?

Hold on a sec now, Francie.

Did you co-sign the lease for the apartment? Make the HAP application towards the rent? If so, you have to own your share of responsibility for going along with the ill thought out relocation plan.

I'm not trying to beat you down. But you seem to want to absolve yourself of any responsiblity for what has happened here - everything is your wife's fault. You're not without fault.

Until you are prepared to own up to where you have gone wrong here, you are unlikely to be able to find any resolution.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 07:55PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Hold on a sec now, Francie.

Did you co-sign the lease for the apartment? Make the HAP application towards the rent? If so, you have to own your share of responsibility for going along with the ill thought out relocation plan.

I'm not trying to beat you down. But you seem to want to absolve yourself of any responsiblity for what has happened here - everything is your wife's fault. You're not without fault.

Until you are prepared to own up to where you have gone wrong here, you are unlikely to be able to find any resolution.

Am not actually sure as I think about it but it was only one of us rather than both and it was signed electronically.

Am still blocked as it stands perhaps she could be using my sons birthday to her advantage.

Slutmonkey57b · 05-07-2021 08:04PM

francie81 wrote: »

Whilst I agree to an extent in what you just said as far as immaturity is concerned whilst everything else is of pure utter biased opinion.

The thing about opinions is that they aren't wrong. I'm not saying these things to say "I'm right, you're wrong", it's because in all your posts you seem determined not to look at her point of view, at all. You don't seem curious why she moved. So instead of "god why wouldn't she want to move to lovely Drogheda", I put forward an opposing point of view, in the hopes you'd think.

Btw she is not from Dubai nor Saudi and I was also not aware that there is absolutely no hope for anyone by living outside of a city environment.

Well I'm going off what you've passed on here which is that she was living there prior to you getting married. My point remains:

Did you talk to her about where and how you both wanted to live when you got married, after 5 years, 10 years, etc?
Did you genuinely consider that maybe the place you wanted to live would not be the same as the place she wanted to live?
What plan did you make and what discussions did you have about where you would live and bring up a family? Were these serious, or just you babbling about how great the view of the fields was and her nodding along?

Let me ask have you ever had a phone pointed at you (in tears) as proof you will never again go against ones wishes? Have you ever being emotionally blackmailed?

Have you ever been racially abused and made an outcast in a community and left for years in a lonely, friendless backwater where your life seems like an endless trap? This is a rhetorical question... I am happy to assume that whatever dynamic is going on here is emotionally charged for both of you. The word you don't seem to want to consider here is both.

Is your idea of throwing 3 kids into a 2 bed apartment bang in a city centre (in the hope a career takes off like rocket) the perfect relocation plan?

Read the last part of my post again for an answer. Is it a worse plan than living out in the sticks where there's nothing to do, no friends, and you're living in a fog of depression with no support?

Honestly what planet are you on Neva your ideology I suspect leaves a lot to be desired.

If you won't consider that maybe your actions over the previous 8-9 years have contributed to the situation you find yourself in then your life is not going to improve and more to the point it's not going to improve for your family.

You still aren't asking simple questions. WHY did she do this "drastic" move? You don't know. WHY is it so important to her to be in the centre of Dublin? You don't really know. WHY has she latched onto this influencer thing? You don't know.

I am willing to bet that if you had been paying attention to her, listening to her, taking a genuine interest in what she was saying (and not saying), then you would probably start to realise this isn't a mad woman who's just gone off her rocker all of a sudden. She's clearly been planning this for a while in order to get HAP set up and the children schooled etc. You just didn't notice. That's not the same thing as "sudden". Ignore what a culchie hating madman I am for a minute.

10 years ago a middle aged Paddy Irishman snags a fine young foreign girl online, meets her once and marries her, and spins tales of all the magic they'll have living together in lovely bucolic Louth. She moves to live with him, and bingo! Job Done! Sure, he'll bring home the pay, and she'll spit out the babies, and sure there's no more work to do because it's all set up! That's how it was for Mammy and Daddy and all the other families where Paddy's from! Who would want anything to change? Not Paddy for sure, he's still down his local watering hole, still talking to his old mates from school, still down the road from Mammy and the family who are only too happy to help out with the little ones, and sure herself can have the odd big day out to Drogheda for a treat don'tchaknow. But sure lookit! One day yer one just ups and leaves with no warning whatsoever! Sure Paddy's mates down the bar are all sympathy, these women are just crazy, no idea what they'll do next and didn't Paddy have her all set up out there with a kitchen of her own and everything? Mad.

Or maybe, Paddy was hearing this odd quiet scratching noise in the back of his head that he just passed off as background noise. A noise from around the house for the last 10 years of a woman who was miserable, lonely, unsupported, friendless, and staring out at nothing all day with nothing to do other than run round after small kids, maybe talking to other young mums with small kids or one of Paddy's mates when they were round to watch the footy. Maybe 3 or 4 years ago the noise got a bit louder when not only was she stuck there but there wasn't money coming in either and the stress was going up, not down. Maybe the last year or 2 the noise got quiet again when she realised that not only had nothing changed, nothing ever would change, and Paddy was quite content because he had everything he wanted, in the place that he wanted, and didn't actually care if that meant she was miserable because he wasn't prepared to give up even a part of what he liked so that she could have something of what she wanted.

Maybe, if she thought Paddy actually wanted to support her, she wouldn't be in an apartment with 3 kids. Maybe, her and Paddy and the kids could have lived in a situation that was closer to what she wanted and needed. But that's where she is because she clearly got to the point where involving Paddy was a waste of time because he didn't listen to her and when he did he didn't take any of it seriously.

Is any of that possible? If you don't think it is, then let the woman go and walk away.

05-07-2021 08:04PM

francie81 wrote: »

That was very well put and thanks. I guess it would be imperative to be there for my sons birthday tomorrow and go from there.

Hopefully talking it out helped. Sometimes it much better to have it out with people who don't know you and you can then go on with things without anything you said coming back on you. No harm to request the thread to be deleted when you're done with it.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 08:22PM

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

The thing about opinions is that they aren't wrong. I'm not saying these things to say "I'm right, you're wrong", it's because in all your posts you seem determined not to look at her point of view, at all. You don't seem curious why she moved. So instead of "god why wouldn't she want to move to lovely Drogheda", I put forward an opposing point of view, in the hopes you'd think.

Well I'm going off what you've passed on here which is that she was living there prior to you getting married. My point remains:
Did you talk to her about where and how you both wanted to live when you got married, after 5 years, 10 years, etc?

Did you genuinely consider that maybe the place you wanted to live would not be the same as the place she wanted to live?

What plan did you make and what discussions did you have about where you would live and bring up a family? Were these serious, or just you babbling about how great the view of the fields was and her nodding along?

Have you ever been racially abused and made an outcast in a community and left for years in a lonely, friendless backwater where your life seems like an endless trap? This is a rhetorical question... I am happy to assume that whatever dynamic is going on here is emotionally charged for both of you. The word you don't seem to want to consider here is both.

Read the last part of my post again for an answer. Is it a worse plan than living out in the sticks where there's nothing to do, no friends, and you're living in a fog of depression with no support?

If you won't consider that maybe your actions over the previous 8-9 years have contributed to the situation you find yourself in then your life is not going to improve and more to the point it's not going to improve for your family.

You still aren't asking simple questions. WHY did she do this "drastic" move? You don't know. WHY is it so important to her to be in the centre of Dublin? You don't really know. WHY has she latched onto this influencer thing? You don't know.

I am willing to bet that if you had been paying attention to her, listening to her, taking a genuine interest in what she was saying (and not saying), then you would probably start to realise this isn't a mad woman who's just gone off her rocker all of a sudden. She's clearly been planning this for a while in order to get HAP set up and the children schooled etc. You just didn't notice. That's not the same thing as "sudden". Ignore what a culchie hating madman I am for a minute.

10 years ago a middle aged Paddy Irishman snags a fine young foreign girl online, meets her once and marries her, and spins tales of all the magic they'll have living together in lovely bucolic Louth. She moves to live with him, and bingo! Job Done! Sure, he'll bring home the pay, and she'll spit out the babies, and sure there's no more work to do because it's all set up! That's how it was for Mammy and Daddy and all the other families where Paddy's from! Who would want anything to change? Not Paddy for sure, he's still down his local watering hole, still talking to his old mates from school, still down the road from Mammy and the family who are only too happy to help out with the little ones, and sure herself can have the odd big day out to Drogheda for a treat don'tchaknow. But sure lookit! One day yer one just ups and leaves with no warning whatsoever! Sure Paddy's mates down the bar are all sympathy, these women are just crazy, no idea what they'll do next and didn't Paddy have her all set up out there with a kitchen of her own and everything? Mad.

Or maybe, Paddy was hearing this odd quiet scratching noise in the back of his head that he just passed off as background noise. A noise from around the house for the last 10 years of a woman who was miserable, lonely, unsupported, friendless, and staring out at nothing all day with nothing to do other than run round after small kids, maybe talking to other young mums with small kids or one of Paddy's mates when they were round to watch the footy. Maybe 3 or 4 years ago the noise got a bit louder when not only was she stuck there but there wasn't money coming in either and the stress was going up, not down. Maybe the last year or 2 the noise got quiet again when she realised that not only had nothing changed, nothing ever would change, and Paddy was quite content because he had everything he wanted, in the place that he wanted, and didn't actually care if that meant she was miserable because he wasn't prepared to give up even a part of what he liked so that she could have something of what she wanted.

Maybe, if she thought Paddy actually wanted to support her, she wouldn't be in an apartment with 3 kids. Maybe, her and Paddy and the kids could have lived in a situation that was closer to what she wanted and needed. But that's where she is because she clearly got to the point where involving Paddy was a waste of time because he didn't listen to her and when he did he didn't take any of it seriously.

Is any of that possible? If you don't think it is, then let the woman go and walk away.

I see exactly what your getting at and yes when you say I didn’t take notice perhaps I didn’t (for every time she would mention/hint at the prospect) when I was thinking I did which led to such ‘drastic’ action of something she was feeling for soo long, but there’s no getting away from the fact that there was and still is a lot of immaturity in this, and I guess (as you touched on) when two people of different perspective come together it can be of no surprise to reach such a stage.

Dr. Greenthumb · 05-07-2021 08:28PM

You come across as quite naïve OP with regard to marrying someone so culturally different.

Did you think you could marry someone from a completely different culture, from a very populous city and move her to a small town in Ireland and all would be well?

My wife is Asian, we don't live in Ireland but every move we have made I have considered her happiness and ability to settle. Personally I can get my head down almost anywhere and get on with it but for me to do that my wife needs to be happy so if we move we always looked at whether there is a good community of expats for her to get involved in, where we live etc. as if you can't integrate into a society then there is no long term future.

I'm a sociable guy but like my quite time also having grown up in the country, my wife comes from a very populated place and prefers it busier than I would in terms of the area we live and within the household. We make compromises to suit both.

It seems to me that you never really considered what her wants were and only were faced with them when she brought them up after the move. Interacting with your own people is important for most, especially when there is such a difference culturally. There's a reason why Irish congregate in certain pubs around the globe.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 09:08PM

Just seen this.

whatnow! wrote: »

Why is she talking about IVF when your third is 1 year old?

The whole girl thing.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 09:22PM

Dr. Greenthumb wrote: »

You come across as quite naïve OP with regard to marrying someone so culturally different.

Did you think you could marry someone from a completely different culture, from a very populous city and move her to a small town in Ireland and all would be well?

My wife is Asian, we don't live in Ireland but every move we have made I have considered her happiness and ability to settle. Personally I can get my head down almost anywhere and get on with it but for me to do that my wife needs to be happy so if we move we always looked at whether there is a good community of expats for her to get involved in, where we live etc. as if you can't integrate into a society then there is no long term future.

I'm a sociable guy but like my quite time also having grown up in the country, my wife comes from a very populated place and prefers it busier than I would in terms of the area we live and within the household. We make compromises to suit both.

It seems to me that you never really considered what her wants were and only were faced with them when she brought them up after the move. Interacting with your own people is important for most, especially when there is such a difference culturally. There's a reason why Irish congregate in certain pubs around the globe.

It’s funny as you say this because my wife (strangely this came into my head) often said how she imagined one day living around beauty/scenery as in the countryside so in the interest of the posters hearing this probably puts another twist to it and paint a picture of confusion don’t know.

Stripping away everything it is a case of make or break.

Am currently in the city (not apartment) not for the reason you think but to have my phone looked at as my service is gone after having it repaired.
So am thinking what shall I do try contacting (via her mom) her since am still blocked or just go back to the home house and leave it till tomorrow, advice if yous will?

Jequ0n · 05-07-2021 09:28PM

funny how this keeps developing with more details shared, but no insights gained. What is stopping you from getting a new sim card instead of contacting her via her mother?

francie81 · 05-07-2021 09:54PM

Jequ0n wrote: »

funny how this keeps developing with more details shared, but no insights gained. What is stopping you from getting a new sim card instead of contacting her via her mother?

It’s a component issue not the sim. Well it’s my only means of contacting her and her mom is currently here, maybe that’s another reason why she’s not bothered too much.

MissShihTzu · 05-07-2021 10:09PM

francie81 wrote: »

It’s a component issue not the sim. Well it’s my only means of contacting her and her mom is currently here, maybe that’s another reason why she’s not bothered too much.

Look. You're there for your son. Please - Go and see him with a nice present and the two of you get together and make a lovely day for the boy! The pair of you act like parents for once!

Oh - and get a cheap burner. Problem solved.

francie81 · 05-07-2021 10:14PM

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Look. You're there for your son. Please - Go and see him with a nice present and the two of you get together and make a lovely day for the boy! The pair of you act like parents for once!

Oh - and get a cheap burner. Problem solved.

Yep would not be wise to go knocking tonight I will go back and maybe get a text across later and let’s hope she allows that - to be there for him am his father after all.

Slutmonkey57b · 05-07-2021 10:28PM

francie81 wrote: »

It’s funny as you say this because my wife (strangely this came into my head) often said how she imagined one day living around beauty/scenery as in the countryside so in the interest of the posters hearing this probably puts another twist to it and paint a picture of confusion don’t know.

This is another example of you need to talk to her and find out. Her idea of beauty and scenery may be "sitting on a veranda in Lake Como sipping a cocktail". You may have a completely different idea in your head. You need to ask her what she wants when she says that, because it seems your immediate conclusion is probably "sure we were out in the country, loads of scenery there!, I'm confused!". Maybe she thought Louth was beautiful when she moved out, but she's just bored of the same thing.

Slutmonkey57b · 05-07-2021 10:31PM

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Look. You're there for your son. Please - Go and see him with a nice present and the two of you get together and make a lovely day for the boy! The pair of you act like parents for once!

Oh - and get a cheap burner. Problem solved.

Jequ0n wrote: »

funny how this keeps developing with more details shared, but no insights gained. What is stopping you from getting a new sim card instead of contacting her via her mother?

Absolutely do NOT do this. She blocked you once, and unblocked you. She then decided to block you again.

Doing something shady to get around that and start texting her again is not going to endear you to her! She has sent you a message with this - listen to it, understand it, and show her that you've understood by respecting it. Show up to give the kid his present, make a fuss, and calmly ask for a date/time for another discussion, and try and have a neutral party there with you for that discussion.

Marriage in doubt over relocation.

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