Marriage in doubt over relocation.

francie81 · 03-07-2021 06:45PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Agree - but it doesn’t have to be your small village or Dublin City centre.

Also I get that you have already tried to discuss compromise but what I am saying is after some time in Dublin on her own she might be willing to compromise.

Also - how long did you give Dublin City a shot for? I agree it’s not the ideal place to raise kids but if she is going to keep them there anyway - maybe you could try again and agree with her to discuss it in another year after you’ve both experienced it.

Yeah I hear ya. For everytime we talk this stuff and I mention about meeting halfway on this she rules out ever going back. The first thing she asked me was that did you feel happy to be back there and I said I didn’t bother me except I hadn’t my family and she would then say you were ok with it the fact of what we went through there you know.

Am here since April but not really since I have being showing my discontent.

YellowLead · 03-07-2021 06:52PM

So you tried for 3 months? I think give it a year. Kids will be getting bigger and she might see how an apartment is less suitable etc. Or you might warm to things there.

03-07-2021 07:17PM

What is meeting halfway from your point of view?

francie81 · 03-07-2021 08:06PM

whatnow! wrote: »

What is meeting halfway from your point of view?

Agreeing to somewhere where both parties are happy, no?

03-07-2021 08:48PM

In other words if she gave you the chance to lay out your idea of a compromise would that look like exactly?

francie81 · 03-07-2021 09:02PM

You begged me to ask my family for money that’s when I just ran out with hurt unbelievable the stuff to listen to and then a rake of calls & texts to follow afterwards.

03-07-2021 09:17PM

It wasn't what I meant but to be honest the whole situation sounds like a mess. You clearly can't afford this if you need your families to keep giving you money. I haven't any wisdom to share because the story just keeps getting worse. I don't know why you are with this girl. The kids should be the only priority here as everything else is a mess. I don't know how you got yourself in this situation but focus on what the kids need. Where is your 7 year old going to school in September?

francie81 · 03-07-2021 10:05PM

whatnow! wrote: »

It wasn't what I meant but to be honest the whole situation sounds like a mess. You clearly can't afford this if you need your families to keep giving you money. I haven't any wisdom to share because the story just keeps getting worse. I don't know why you are with this girl. The kids should be the only priority here as everything else is a mess. I don't know how you got yourself in this situation but focus on what the kids need. Where is your 7 year old going to school in September?

Dublin City she enrolled them both. I was out on sick leave couple years back from work and we struggled a little financially (we were never good with money) her family helped us so usually I get this thrown up at me but they have being always given anyway.
Your right it’s all about the kids since talking can’t be done

03-07-2021 10:47PM

Good luck Francie. I think the location is the least of the things ye need to sort out. I hope her family is well off as it sounds like they will need to keep supporting her and you sound like you are in the 80% of the population that can afford to pay the rent on a city center apartment and a place for yourself with a spare room for the kids if you can't fix things.

_Kaiser_ · 03-07-2021 10:48PM

francie81 wrote: »

You begged me to ask my family for money that’s when I just ran out with hurt unbelievable the stuff to listen to and then a rake of calls & texts to follow afterwards.

I'm sorry OP, but you're a 40 year old guy with 3 young kids and serious problems between you and your wife. Running out because she said hurtful things isn't an option here

You need to calmly go back to her and say - "fine. If we can't be together then we need to agree on how we can be apart and how we're going to look after our kids" and see what she has to say to that.

And definitely get in touch with a solicitor on Monday because you are unfortunately going to need one either way I reckon.

03-07-2021 11:12PM

Free legal advice here https://www.flac.ie/

I've never used them so can't vouch for them but it's the only place I know of where you will get something close to sound legal advice for free if she doesn't come back to the small town where the cost of life for the kids is something that you can afford if your families don't plan on giving you money for the next 17 years until all the kids are raised. You can't continue to 'be bad with money' when you have kids.

At this point as you can see the situation is bad and everyone's attention is turning towards the welfare of the kids.

embraer170 · 03-07-2021 11:25PM

Hope you are careful enough to have made a few adaptations to the story, otherwise it might be very easy to identify her (& you).

It is easy to judge someone aiming to be an influencer. That said, plenty of people make a good living off YouTube and maybe she is aiming for some niche based on her origins etc.

Seems like an a special situation but so are many relationships. Why not try living in the city for a few months (giving it a serious shot!) and then assess the situation after. It won’t kill you, and it might just save your marriage.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 12:17AM

whatnow! wrote: »

Free legal advice here https://www.flac.ie/

I've never used them so can't vouch for them but it's the only place I know of where you will get something close to sound legal advice for free if she doesn't come back to the small town where the cost of life for the kids is something that you can afford if your families don't plan on giving you money for the next 17 years until all the kids are raised. You can't continue to 'be bad with money' when you have kids.

At this point as you can see the situation is bad and everyone's attention is turning towards the welfare of the kids.

That’s right by living where we where was obviously cheaper but she still sees this move to Dublin as manageable even though it’s still more to pay whilst reaping other benefits such as being next to everything, nice 2 bed spacious apartment, good schools (no racism), away from small minded people etc this sort of thing

MissShihTzu · 04-07-2021 01:12AM

francie81 wrote: »

You begged me to ask my family for money that’s when I just ran out with hurt unbelievable the stuff to listen to and then a rake of calls & texts to follow afterwards.

Am I reading this right? You didn't actually TALK with your wife? You just ran out when she threw that at you???

TBH. I think there's a huge maturity problem. On both sides. OP- you're 40 and your wife 29. Stop acting like children and try to sort this out! Your kids need you both to act like Mum and Dad. Not squabbling kittens.

Another poster asked you what your version of a compromise might look like. Have you thought about it?

04-07-2021 02:01AM

francie81 wrote: »

That’s right by living where we where was obviously cheaper but she still sees this move to Dublin as manageable even though it’s still more to pay whilst reaping other benefits such as being next to everything, nice 2 bed spacious apartment, good schools (no racism), away from small minded people etc this sort of thing

All good reasons to go if it is manageable and you want to stay married to this woman. Of course she would want to leave if she is experiencing racism and Dublin offers an improvement. Pack your bags and go back to the apartment. Tell her to learn some skills so she can get a real dependable job when the youngest starts going to school and if it is a condition on her mother coming to Ireland and helping you out with childcare.

Maybe you can lower your rent a bit and still get all these benefits. How much are you paying for a spacious 2 bedroom city center apartment? The people from Dublin here might be able to recommend a cheaper area with all of the above benefits.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 02:02AM

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Am I reading this right? You didn't actually TALK with your wife? You just ran out when she threw that at you???

TBH. I think there's a huge maturity problem. On both sides. OP- you're 40 and your wife 29. Stop acting like children and try to sort this out! Your kids need you both to act like Mum and Dad. Not squabbling kittens.

Another poster asked you what your version of a compromise might look like. Have you thought about it?

No that wasn’t the case but when that was hurled at me I could not take, running out of course is never the answer and by god I have done it on several occasions and these chats just go round in circles never constructive although she will tell you different and make it that am the problem because am not with her on this strange move despite her reasons for it.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 02:25AM

whatnow! wrote: »

All good reasons to go if it is manageable and you want to stay married to this woman. Of course she would want to leave if she is experiencing racism and Dublin offers an improvement. Pack your bags and go back to the apartment. Tell her to learn some skills so she can get a real dependable job when the youngest starts going to school and if it is a condition on her mother coming to Ireland and helping you out with childcare.

Maybe you can lower your rent a bit and still get all these benefits. How much are you paying for a spacious 2 bedroom city center apartment? The people from Dublin here might be able to recommend a cheaper area with all of the above benefits.

It is €1800 with HAP covering just over half of that and the previous rent was €1100 so we are paying an extra €500 p/m (plus €50 for parking) on rent being in the city.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 11:02AM

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Both of you seem to have a lot of growing up to do. Life is about compromises. Marriage is about compromises, especially as you have small children. It's not about what YOU want. It's not about what SHE wants. The children have to come first in any decision you make. Their wants and needs override yours whilst they are so small. Why can't the pair of you compromise and find somewhere to live that will suit BOTH of you? I would agree a small flat isn't an ideal place, (I'm thinking about space for the children to play, and you could have reasonable expectations of privacy) but maybe you could find a nice house within the commuter belt that all of you could feel comfortable and happy in?

Well you see the thing is she expects me to be happy of living in Dublin for all that it offers and I suppose whenever it’s at a discussion of the future and how she says she never wants to leave I guess I should ignore this kind of talk and see how it pans out that’s of course if am willing to give it a shot, what do you think would many men am thinking in my position be ok with all of this?

Hannibal_Smith · 04-07-2021 11:19AM

It's not about what anyone else would do. They're not in your situation. It's about you and your wife reaching a compromise. Of course you don't have to, but your wife has made it clear that she wants to stay in Dublin.

Now, you either meet her half way and give it a proper go, without making it a misery for her and the kids, or you stay where you are.

I say meet her half way BTW, because like it or not she has moved to Ireland for you. And although you don't like her reminding you of that, it is a factor here.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 11:50AM

As of yesterday she has blocked me after that walk out she isn’t doing herself any favours.

YellowLead · 04-07-2021 11:53AM

francie81 wrote: »

As of yesterday she has blocked me after that walk out she isn’t doing herself any favours.

Blocked you??? As in your number?
Jeez you married somebody with the mentality of a teenager. What about your kids.
I feel very sorry for you OP regardless of what you contributed to getting to this situation.

04-07-2021 12:03PM

francie81 wrote: »

Her reason for being there everything is next to you, more of her own minority, colleges, feeling safe, different mindsets etc.

It sounds to me like your wife was very unhappy and unfulfilled living in your small village, and now you have switched places, with you being the unhappy one because you have to live where she wants.

She put up with living in your small village for 8 years, if you want to save your marriage you need to give living in Dublin a reasonable chance.

I will say, I think a 2 bed apartment in the city centre was not the right choice of accomodation, a 3 bed house in the suburbs (maybe Balbriggan, but definitely northside) would be better both for the family and for commute purposes.

_Kaiser_ · 04-07-2021 12:36PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

It's not about what anyone else would do. They're not in your situation. It's about you and your wife reaching a compromise. Of course you don't have to, but your wife has made it clear that she wants to stay in Dublin.

Now, you either meet her half way and give it a proper go, without making it a misery for her and the kids, or you stay where you are.

I say meet her half way BTW, because like it or not she has moved to Ireland for you. And although you don't like her reminding you of that, it is a factor here.

I have to disagree I'm afraid.

To be fair to the lad, despite his own significant mistakes here (both at the start and currently), he is at least trying to work out some sort of compromise.

She however seems to be behaving as an immature, spoilt teenager with the same attitude to work ("influencer" is not a job), and relying on hand-outs from her parents and HAP etc to keep her.
Blocking his number (per the most recent update from the OP) is more evidence of this immaturity. As I said before, I continue to worry about the kids in all this who it seems are barely getting a mention.

Plus, from all the OP has posted, she has definitely done better out of the relocation than he has.

04-07-2021 01:02PM

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

04-07-2021 01:03PM

It's to the OP's credit that he made the move, but OP - you haven't given it a real shot.

From a female perspective, I have a feeling your wife reached the end of a tether with living in a small village raising babies - from the sounds of it she has been here since she was only 21 years old, doing just that. And while some may accuse her of being immature, it sounds to me like what is actually happening is she finally matured and with it came the realisation that she is no longer content with being a stay at home wife and mother for the rest of her life.

You have two choices, OP. Adapt and support her in her decision to make something of herself (even if the influencer thing doesn't work out) or end up a separated father trying to co-parent three children. One thing is for sure, she won't be going back, and has already made up her mind that you are dispensable to her if you don't support her (and I don't mean financially).

francie81 · 04-07-2021 01:35PM

whatnow! wrote: »

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

Yes up until this point I did but now with the way it is am not soo sure.

Just going into a little more detail here but in the last couple of weeks she started mentioning stuff how she would want a tummy tuck, ivf, buying an apartment abroad for the boys for when they are older I know this can be just talk but it was enough for me to make me wonder wtf is next.

04-07-2021 01:45PM

Francie, can I ask... did you actually expect that she would be content to stay in your small village for the rest of her life raising babies? That it would be enough for her? Apologies in advance, but you sound very set in your ways, and that you expected her to live her life, set in your ways.

This is where I feel your bit of an age difference also comes into play. At 29, most people aren't even married yet, let alone have 7/8 years having and raising babies behind them (she must have gotten pregnant almost immediately when you married?)

So she is expressing her hopes and aspirations for the future. Some may be more realistic then others, but it's not weird.

francie81 · 04-07-2021 01:54PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Francie, can I ask... did you actually expect that she would be content to stay in your small village for the rest of her life raising babies? That it would be enough for her? Apologies in advance, but you sound very set in your ways, and that you expected her to live her life, set in your ways.

This is where I feel your bit of an age difference also comes into play. At 29, most people aren't even married yet, let alone have 7/8 years having and raising babies behind them (she must have gotten pregnant almost immediately when you married?)

So she is expressing her hopes and aspirations for the future. Some may be more realistic then others, but it's not weird.

I understand what your saying and no of course I didn’t want just that for her life beginning and ending where I am (but even so being in a small limited place doesn’t exactly stop one from doing what they want either does it?) however I do not see a proper vision either and again this goes back to the point of see how living in Dublin plays put should I decide to go with it even if it takes driving 45/50 to work everyday.

YellowLead · 04-07-2021 01:54PM

francie81 wrote: »

Yes up until this point I did but now with the way it is am not soo sure.

Just going into a little more detail here but in the last couple of weeks she started mentioning stuff how she would want a tummy tuck, ivf, buying an apartment abroad for the boys for when they are older I know this can be just talk but it was enough for me to make me wonder wtf is next.

Who is going to fund all of this? Is she pinning all of these hopes on influencer success???
A second home and even IVF are out of the affordability realms of a lot of people never mind those currently relying on welfare and parents for assistance with housing etc.

Did she assume because you were from the West that all of these things would come her way of she married you and got a land when she arrive in ballygobackwards?

There is nothing wrong with having dreams and aspirations but her head is in the clouds. Equally for your part you should give Dublin more of a go and in future wait and see what happens - you both might feel differently about lots of things esp with kids involved. The reality of what goes on in the schools in the city might kick in too.

04-07-2021 02:03PM

Why is she talking about IVF when your third is 1 year old?

Marriage in doubt over relocation.

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