Marriage in doubt over relocation.

02-07-2021 04:43PM

francie81 wrote: »

Don’t you think there is anything odd about jumping into a city centre with 3 young kids bearing an extra cost in doing without a genuine plan?

I just edited my posted before seeing your reply to address this.

Yea it's foolish to come here unless ye have budgeted properly. The low cost areas are rougher and me and the country kids I grew up with would have struggled to adapt to the schools in these areas. The kids here are more street smart and tougher and being under extra financial stress doesn't make sense.

There are a load of girls with sizeable followings now on Instagram in Dublin and they don't make fook all. Hearing about the few that do is misleading.

Need a full time job and do the social media stuff on the side until the day it pays enough on a consistent basis to quit the job.

There is no need to be in Dublin to do this really either as most of the ones I hear about record in their homes. It sounds like she wants to be in a different environment than where she is now as she is not happy and her experience of living there is likely very different from your experience.

If you had a three year sensible plan to get to the financial place you need to be to live here you might be in to something otherwise she will get increasingly unhappy or just leave herself.

Jequ0n · 02-07-2021 04:49PM

I’m white and foreign and wouldn’t dream about living in rural Ireland.

OP, how did you meet your wife? Has she ever worked before? I could be wrong but it sounds like she has always had the comfort of financial support via her family (and you too). Ambition to become an influencer made me laugh and question her changes at a “real” job.

And have you considered what is best for your children apart from the flat/ house argument? In the city they would “stand out” less than in a small village. Surely they are enrolled in school now and can tell you if they enjoy living in Dublin. A lot of “my way or no other” from both of you tbh

francie81 · 02-07-2021 05:26PM

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’m white and foreign and wouldn’t dream about living in rural Ireland.

OP, how did you meet your wife? Has she ever worked before? I could be wrong but it sounds like she has always had the comfort of financial support via her family (and you too). Ambition to become an influencer made me laugh and question her changes at a “real” job.

And have you considered what is best for your children apart from the flat/ house argument? In the city they would “stand out” less than in a small village. Surely they are enrolled in school now and can tell you if they enjoy living in Dublin. A lot of “my way or no other” from both of you tbh

We initially met online then in person in Dubai the rest is history.

She worked very briefly here in a restaurant and from there to Apache in the town that was actually ran by Pakistanis and she happened to be bullied by them and they say ‘we are from Drogheda’ so she puts it that they adopted the town mindset by saying such a thing just an example of how she even sees the bigger town but to me that’s looking too much into it I don’t know.
Am in the same job for the past 16 years.

She is of belief an apartment is better whereas am all for a house and I think here lies the problem with cultural difference in how she seen it growing up supported by her family at that.

And your right it’s my way of no way both ends but because she came from Pakistan to my village always makes me feel that was her compromise and I should return it in this way.

02-07-2021 05:44PM

"The town mindset"

There you go, she feels marginalised and excluded and is hoping for a better more inclusive life in Dublin surrounded by other nationalities and Irish people who are used to being around foreigners and don't look at them as some mysterious exotic thing.

You're coming at this from a financial perspective much like I would do in most situations but if she feels like this money starts to be a lot less important.

I know exactly what the town mindset is as I've heard a lot of people share their mindset with me in the expectation that I would naturally agree with them. I ignore these fools now but it must be really hard for your missus if she has to deal with this regularly after having lived there for years as there is no shortage of these sort of ignorant fools down the country.

Jequ0n · 02-07-2021 05:52PM

How long did you know each other before you got together?

Look, truth be told your wife would n out have dug her heels in had you both been willing to compromise earlier, so you know that this is where you both failed.

Her Dublin dream is unrealistic and unsustainable unless she becomes the worlds most famous pizza influencer, because she seems to have no proper skill set whatsoever. You can live with your parent for a while and wait till she realises this herself, then use the opportunity to suggest drogheda again.
You might also want to consider how inflexible you are yourself as your only consideration seems to be your commute to a job (first job?). You are restricting your own life a lot.

chattering · 02-07-2021 05:59PM

Will you be looking for custody of the children if you break up and have you plans for their 24/7 care? I am guessing you would not like her to return to her homeland with the children? Maybe put the children first in all your doings.

NiceFella · 02-07-2021 06:08PM

Hi OP,

It seems there is very poor communication between yourself and your wife. I personally don't believe the only reason your wife wants to live in Dublin is because she wants to be a social influencer.

I'd be willing to bet she feels a tad alienated in small town Irish life and probably craves the broader cultural aspects of a capital. Perhaps more time to meet fellow Pakistanis, or a social life? Maybe she wants to be an influencer, but I hardly think it's the only reason.

The kids are the priority here and I think as long as you have a relatively good relationship with your wife outside of this issue, you should try to make this work.

While I would agree with you about rearing kids in an apartment, have you tried making a compromise? You could live in a commuter town that isn't too far from the city. Would that be an option?

Hannibal_Smith · 02-07-2021 06:09PM

Did you have any input into the type of home you moved to in Dublin? In fairness to her she did uproot her life and come here. She tried living in your town and didn't like it. Her not liking that town is just as valid as you not liking where she wants to move to. To be fair to her, it sounds like she gave it more of a go than you gave Dublin. I can't blame her for asking you to go if you've done nothing but moan and made the move miserable for the family.

Why can't you come to a compromise where you give Dublin a proper go, but on the basis you find somewhere more suitable to live. If it means moving to the outskirts to find something within your budget (whatever that is), ask her would she be willing to compromise at all.

It seems that separating is a bit extreme when there is plenty of wiggle room between what you both want, if you're willing to look for it.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 06:11PM

chattering wrote: »

Will you be looking for custody of the children if you break up and have you plans for their 24/7 care? I am guessing you would not like her to return to her homeland with the children? Maybe put the children first in all your doings.

Yeah well my biggest fear is obviously if she was to go to her family who reside in Germany and Poland, her mom is here at the moment on visit visa and that’s another thing the plan is to bring her here permanently but only she can do so and to do that you need to be working 3 years.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 06:21PM

NiceFella wrote: »

Hi OP,

It seems there is very poor communication between yourself and your wife. I personally don't believe the only reason your wife wants to live in Dublin is because she wants to be a social influencer.

I'd be willing to bet she feels a tad alienated in small town Irish life and probably craves the broader cultural aspects of a capital. Perhaps more time to meet fellow Pakistanis, or a social life? Maybe she wants to be an influencer, but I hardly think it's the only reason.

The kids are the priority here and I think as long as you have a relatively good relationship with your wife outside of this issue, you should try to make this work.

While I would agree with you about rearing kids in an apartment, have you tried making a compromise? You could live in a commuter town that isn't too far from the city. Would that be an option?

I hear you and yeah it’s not just about the influencer thing and of course I was willing to move into Drogheda but she didn’t want to negotiate this, not that long ago we were in Dundalk and she seen an area of houses next to many shops and said that would be a good spot to live right next tp those shops. I don’t know anymore what to think

02-07-2021 06:26PM

She is only 29, she needs to learn some skills that someone will pay her for and when the youngest is in school and she has more time for herself she will be ready to rock. There are a lot of distance education courses that she can do and you can take on more of the child caring duties in the evenings to give her the time to do them.

Might be a male perspective but being stuck in a house in a foreign country looking after 3 kids in a location that I'm not fond of sounds like a recipe for disaster but she has to put the work in to prepare for a working life in 4 years from now if she is starting from zero and she will be much happier being out and about and being surrounded by other people she can socialise with and if her mother comes over that will help with the childcare.

If she wants a certain lifestyle she has to work to contribute towards it and you have to be willing to move to Dublin.

If I was single and meeting someone who told me they were looking to become an Instagram influencer I would wish them the best in life and be gone after than drink:)

02-07-2021 06:47PM

Something that I would caution you about is that if you are the sole breadwinner for a family of 5 + her mother you probably don't have much savings or much of a private pension and when you hit pension age she won't be there for another 10 years and at that point she won't have much of a work history and the contributory pension only gives credits up to the youngest kid turning 12. If she is not working towards getting the skills to have a job now you might find yourselves in a very tough situation when you hit 65. I would recommend you really figure out what the situation would be like in scenario A, B, ect.

MissShihTzu · 02-07-2021 07:17PM

I kind of see it from both sides.

I'm from a different country, and a different ethnicity. I am married to an Irishman, and moved here from the UK where I am from. Before I moved over, we discussed and debated in great detail what the move would look like and how I would cope with life, where there are far less black and brown people here than at home. Getting my kind of food, hairdressing, beauty treatments, social life - you name it? We beat the subject to death. Did you discuss any of this in detail before you married? From what you've posted, I guess the answer's 'No'. Your wife is bringing up three small children in a village where the world seems very small to her. Yes - you have a house, but does your wife have friends and the ability to socialise in your village?

It's good to have dreams and aspirations, but I think your wife is being a little unrealistic with the idea of becoming an 'influencer'. As others have said - It's bloody hard work for little reward. The ones who've made it have been doing the graft for years. Is this something she's prepared to do??

I think she needs to find something else to do, bring in some money and maybe work on her idea on the side.

For yourself OP - Why have you left the house and left your wife alone with 3 small children? What kind of example are you setting for them - the pair of you? If I can't get my way I'll just leave??

Both of you seem to have a lot of growing up to do. Life is about compromises. Marriage is about compromises, especially as you have small children. It's not about what YOU want. It's not about what SHE wants. The children have to come first in any decision you make. Their wants and needs override yours whilst they are so small. Why can't the pair of you compromise and find somewhere to live that will suit BOTH of you? I would agree a small flat isn't an ideal place, (I'm thinking about space for the children to play, and you could have reasonable expectations of privacy) but maybe you could find a nice house within the commuter belt that all of you could feel comfortable and happy in?

You have to get together, and really TALK about this.

I hope it works out for you.

francie81 · 03-07-2021 12:00AM

So am going to my kids today and staying till Sunday and perhaps we could have a constructive talk.

francie81 · 03-07-2021 12:33AM

Phil.x wrote: »

Tell her to go jump.

Why?

lovebump · 03-07-2021 02:24AM

How long did you know her before you got married? From whats been said you met up with her in Dubai were you over there on a holiday visa? Did you go back and forth a few times before you married her? I'm getting the impression that you and her rushed into marriage.

I think you both are fundamental incompatible with each either , completely different mindsets and outlooks on life

Honestly I think you two should separate if just figuring out where to live is causing this much strain on the relationship it would probably be the best to call it a day while the both of still can before it gets resentful and bitter, better for the kids and yourselves

francie81 · 03-07-2021 09:24AM

lovebump wrote: »

How long did you know her before you got married? From whats been said you met up with her in Dubai were you over there on a holiday visa? Did you go back and forth a few times before you married her? I'm getting the impression that you and her rushed into marriage.

I think you both are fundamental incompatible with each either , completely different mindsets and outlooks on life

Honestly I think you two should separate if just figuring out where to live is causing this much strain on the relationship it would probably be the best to call it a day while the both of still can before it gets resentful and bitter, better for the kids and yourselves

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time. Maybe but it would look like a waste if we could not meet half way on this so we are both happy.

Jequ0n · 03-07-2021 11:30AM

francie81 wrote: »

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time. Maybe but it would look like a waste if we could not meet half way on this so we are both happy.

Are you more interested in being happy or looking happy?

03-07-2021 02:04PM

francie81 wrote: »

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time.

I wish you luck Francie especially for the sake of the kids but whatever ye decide they are young and will adapt quickly.

_Kaiser_ · 03-07-2021 04:26PM

francie81 wrote: »

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time. Maybe but it would look like a waste if we could not meet half way on this so we are both happy.

I'm sorry OP, but what on Earth were you thinking?!

You married a girl from halfway around the world that you only actually met once beforehand?? Why??

The more details you post, the more strange this story becomes.

This is never going to work OP. You're at different stages of life, completely different backgrounds, have very different ideas and goals and you didn't even know each other properly (that old phrase "if you want to know me, come live with me" was never more apt) before you rushed into marriage and kids!

Forget trying to reconcile with your wife. She doesn't want to compromise on her wants, and you don't want to compromise on yours. As I said previously, it's your kids I'm concerned about more so.

Get yourself a divorce lawyer and start talking about what needs to be done to separate from this woman with the least possible damage while still retaining access to your kids - I'm assuming you want that right? It's just that you still only seem to be thinking about you and your wife. What about your relationship and future with them?

03-07-2021 04:59PM

Take it easy here now folks, we are talking about a marriage with 3 kids. Don't go kicking a man when he is down.

99nsr125 · 03-07-2021 05:08PM

francie81 wrote: »

Hi

I need help. Am from Ireland married with 3 kids and I have being separated since the weekend back living in my moms for now. So the problem here is about a relocation, my wife is originally from Pakistan whom I brought here 8 years ago to my small village and in late March she started the process of moving to Dublin City which I did not want (dragging my heels along the way) and still don’t want because my job is here and I just simply don’t like city life it’s not what I wished for my small kids going from a 3 bed house into a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights from of stairs.

She has her reasons for wanting to move to city however I do not think they are valid enough it’s not as though it’s for career or family reasons and she would use ‘I left everything for you to come here so can’t you do this for me, your still in your country’ when discussed.

I would have no problem moving to the bigger towns either side next to my village if she felt living somewhere with abit more life but this is a big jump especially with the way our finances are.
We are also on the social housing list in the area for few years now. Alot of people my family members and people who know me thought it was strange and would ask what has what has taken you there.

Since we moved I have being showing resentment towards my wife and just feeling miserable in general I just can’t help feeling this way she has being chasing me (as she says) but it’s not helping so now she told me to go back since am ruining her happiness. She also tells me that as a single mother that she would be better off financially thus not relying on me.

Should I really feel guilty for this, is it time to go our separate ways and have arrangements in place with the kids?

Leave her and take your children.

Take your kids and return to your original home, let her leave she obviously doesn't have the interests of your children or you in mind.

She has some other agenda very likely taking your children to Pakistan forever

99nsr125 · 03-07-2021 05:12PM

francie81 wrote: »

Well she is an influencer albeit not in a career sense and is looking to start a brand trying in this way so you should retract such a comment.

Leave, leave right now with your children

Jequ0n · 03-07-2021 05:25PM

whatnow! wrote: »

Take it easy here now folks, we are talking about a marriage with 3 kids. Don't go kicking a man when he is down.

Possibly more than 3

_Kaiser_ · 03-07-2021 05:33PM

whatnow! wrote: »

Take it easy here now folks, we are talking about a marriage with 3 kids. Don't go kicking a man when he is down.

The point I'm making (as indeed I was in my earlier posts) is that the OP really needs to look at his priorities, put the welfare of the kids first (as his wife should be doing too), and basically both grow up a bit.

He seems to be totally focused on the living arrangements and his wife rather than the kids and the deeper issues in the relationship which, I'm sorry to say, just seem insurmountable the more he details.

MissShihTzu · 03-07-2021 05:38PM

99nsr125 wrote: »

Leave her and take your children.

Take your kids and return to your original home, let her leave she obviously doesn't have the interests of your children or you in mind.

She has some other agenda very likely taking your children to Pakistan forever

99nsr125 wrote: »

Leave, leave right now with your children

And you know this how, exactly? From what I understood, the OP's in-laws live in Poland. The other point you both seem to have missed is the fact the OP is extremely unlikely to get full custody unless he can prove the mother is unfit. Nothing he's posted here indicates that. And even then, full custody is unlikely to be granted.

_Kaiser_ · 03-07-2021 05:39PM

99nsr125 wrote: »

Leave her and take your children.

Take your kids and return to your original home, let her leave she obviously doesn't have the interests of your children or you in mind.

She has some other agenda very likely taking your children to Pakistan forever

I don't know about that. From what he said, the plan was to have her mother move over permanently too.

She just seems very immature for someone with 3 kids. A "wannabe influencer" is not a career path as I said before, and she clearly isn't thinking about what happens if her family cut them off. She should be using her time in Dublin to find a real job - though by all means pursue the influencer thing part time if she wants.

YellowLead · 03-07-2021 05:40PM

OP I think your marriage is in trouble not due to the relocation - but due to the fact that you only met each other once and decided to get married.

At the end of the day for your kids sake try again to come to a compromise, I know you are willing but your wife might be more inclined to live in a house in a large town over an apartment in Dublin City when she realises the influencer role isn’t the get rich quick scheme it’s panned out to be in her head.

Perhaps the best plan for now is to stay at your Mam’s for a few weeks and do some thinking and give her some space too. She might miss you or realise the kids miss you etc. For their sake out a bit more time into it before deciding the marriage is over. At the same time realise that it could go either way and think about how you would see custody being shared if the marriage does need to end.

francie81 · 03-07-2021 06:25PM

Guys we tried talking however anytime I would mention 50/50 or anything else that seems against herself she says this is your sisters talking you see she sees them as being obsessed with her because of how she is, for instance she does makeup and before a fake account was created reading something like ‘Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too’ and if my sisters say why you take him away from his mother say well her response would be am not taking him out of the country and how did my mother feel when I left for Ireland this is the kind of argument. So you can see why she wanted to leave where we where because of some incidents to what she perceives as racism even with my own family.

YellowLead · 03-07-2021 06:30PM

francie81 wrote: »

. So you can see why she wanted to leave where we where because of some incidents to what she perceives as racism even with my own family.

Agree - but it doesn’t have to be your small village or Dublin City centre.

Also I get that you have already tried to discuss compromise but what I am saying is after some time in Dublin on her own she might be willing to compromise.

Also - how long did you give Dublin City a shot for? I agree it’s not the ideal place to raise kids but if she is going to keep them there anyway - maybe you could try again and agree with her to discuss it in another year after you’ve both experienced it.

Marriage in doubt over relocation.

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