Ghosting

Trans Ann wrote: »

Why do men do it? Im sure women do too but can someone explain why when you're getting on so well with someone would they suddenly stop talking and ignore all your messages following this. Like why not just set the person straight?

I totally agree. I’d say it’s far more common women doing it to men but that’s. It really important. I think it’s disgusting behaviour from any human being

Women do it too.

We all do it.

9 times out of 10 you’ll have done absolutely nothing wrong and the cause is something on their end.
They’re distracted, someone else has their attention, or they simply aren’t arsed enough about you to keep the conversation going.
It’s also common for someone to ghost someone they were previously getting along really well with because they saw something they either didn’t like or that didn’t add up on their social media while doing a background check, and decided to cut their losses there and then.

It’s very rarely ever personal or because of something you did/said. Remember this going forward and you won’t be so upset next time.

nthclare wrote: »

A lot of monkey branching goes on too, if you find someone who's interested in the same thing as you it's easier to stay focused.

And remember there's a lot of people out there who can't meet up even if there's no covid.

They love the validation and attention, it's like a drug to some

I deliberately put up a picture of myself on tinder looking really rugged and earthy.

It sorts out the women from the flakes, if they like you rough then you're onto something...

Thing is with tinder you are talking to people not in your life. People with no connection to you.

Its like strangers at a bus stop.

Many years ago , before I'd heard of ghosting, I did it a few times.
It was because either she was coming on a bit strong ( organising meeting family after 2/3 dates ) Or because she was completely out of my league and I preempted getting dumped . This was either in England or America where I wasn't going to bump into them. A really ****ty thing to do but if for some reason you don't meet up or chat it just seemed the easier option

I think as a population we're pretty damn awful at being direct with each other in any way and ghosting is just another one of those ways. I think everyone needs to be blunt once to a person they're trying to cease communication with, and after that it's not as difficult.

But here is the reality OP. You are looking for someone who is going to make it through a long term relationship and possibly even marriage with you. There will be upsets, temptations, disappointments and quite trying times. Your starting point has to be strong. If they are a person who is really into you and the relationship, and they are done with the rest of the dating world, you should expect a response in 1 to 2 days in my opinion. If you don't get it, they're not as into the relationship as they need to be. So delete them and block them and move on. I had a 24 hour rule personally. If someone couldn't find the time to drop me a text in that time frame then they just weren't good enough.

And instead of changing the dating world, change your mindset of it. Expect ghosting. Build it in as a normal thing as opposed to an annoying thing. That's what I did. I normalised it and accepted it as human behaviour.

I really wonder if it's a modern thing tbh.

I'm sure there was many person waiting for the landline to ring in the 80s and 90s and didn't hear a peep anymore

TP_CM wrote: »

I think family members used to clear a lot up in that case... (music builds in background)...

Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's busy
Too busy to come to the phone
Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's trying
To start a new life of her own

I’m guessing you had an ex callled Sylvia?

I think it's bad form in general. Someone who Ghosts anyone is essentially a coward who doesn't have the courage to be honest and direct. People do it to avoid hassle and spare themselves from possible drama but in the end its the Ghoster not the Ghostee who suffers far more. It speaks volumes about the person and their lack of depth and character, I mean that is not someone you would want at your side going into battle. So even though it is frustrating to have someone Ghost you in the end it's a bullet dodged, and in a way life is saving you from having someone like that in your life.

I think it's bad form in general. Someone who Ghosts anyone is essentially a coward who doesn't have the courage to be honest and direct. People do it to avoid hassle and spare themselves from possible drama but in the end its the Ghoster not the Ghostee who suffers far more. It speaks volumes about the person and their lack of depth and character,

I feel very attacked. Yes i admit ...i have been this.

Daisy78 wrote: »

Also Ireland is a small country, there is a high enough chance that you could at some stage bump into the person you ghosted which is far more awkward than if you just had the chat in the first place and were honest.

Actually ...its true Ireland is small. Its happened to me both ways ..someone I ghosted ...and someone i directly told ..erm sorry not into you.

It was equally awkward BOTH TIMES.

I agree almost always its the nicer thing to do. But i will admit i have ghosted.

I am just thankful it rarely happens i meet them again.

Admittedly ive done this twice, one of the men who I was texting, we were getting on extremely well but every time we arranged to meet up I wouldnt hear from him at all the day of our planned date. I said it to him that I wasnt impressed and if he couldnt meet he should have let me know but it continued to happen. I knew I wouldnt stop texting him and didnt want to make a big drama out of him not meeting me so after some thought, I just blocked him as I felt he was stringing me along.
The second man I ghosted was for similar reasons, we were texting for weeks and despite us getting along really well, he never made any attempt to meet up for a date so I just stopped replying to his messages.

Not sure about your situation but have you met up with this guy at all? Its very hard to get to know someone properly over text and although you might get on, theres very little real connection until you actually meet someone in person, it can be hard to keep up texting someone and feeling like its going nowhere.

If its really bothering you id suggest messaging him and asking him what happened.

Of course it’s not always cowardly: if someone you’ve just met is an absolute dickhead to you, for example, do you have to put up with crap for the sake of protecting the feelings of someone you don’t know? Or if it’s for a really embarrassing reason, as you say, like poor personal hygiene...is it my responsibility to tell a stranger they need to have a wash? What if they know this but have a medical condition?

Same if someone is weird or clingy. I remember I had a few dates with one girl that I was cooling on very quickly because she started to unravel a bit. I think she picked up on this and one morning when I didn’t write back to a text of hers for a few hours (while genuinely busy in work, which she knew), I went on lunch and saw her Insta story filled with really blatant digs at me with “hope ur ok hun” sunset quotes about people who don’t have time for you etc. While I absolutely would’ve let her down gently if I’d have even got a bit of time and space to myself and decided, as was my right, not to devote my entire life to her...now it felt like I was walking into a warzone with someone I didn’t know that well. Do you think she tells her friends that I’m a coward or takes a long look in the mirror and says “I was very insecure and needy and couldn’t give a person a bit of space without behaving like a child on social media“?

People tell themselves “oh they’re cowards” because their feelings have been hurt and they’re trying to ‘take the power back’, I guess. But even the idea that someone owes you something like proper closure, while it can be natural to feel when we’re vulnerable, is irrational and needy in itself. People who break up with us aren’t responsible for healing us or contributing towards the healing process. The wounds they open are generally there anyway from our own past. There’s nothing to stop us from taking the attitude of “I’m great and if someone doesn’t recognise that, it’s their loss”, and taking any break-up like a champ. If we don’t see ourselves that way and start decrying the other person for not doing it ‘the right way’, take some accountability for not doing the work on yourself to begin with.

People can and do ghost OP. You’re not going to change that by being one of these people giving out about it being cowardly on boards.ie. But you can change how you respond to it yourself and it starts by changing how you see yourself, by the treatment you allow others to give you and by how you respond to anything that falls short of that.