Ghosting

Trans Ann

Why do men do it? Im sure women do too but can someone explain why when you're getting on so well with someone would they suddenly stop talking and ignore all your messages following this. Like why not just set the person straight?

jenneyk19

maybe they are married

Dtp1979

Trans Ann wrote: »

Why do men do it? Im sure women do too but can someone explain why when you're getting on so well with someone would they suddenly stop talking and ignore all your messages following this. Like why not just set the person straight?

I totally agree. I’d say it’s far more common women doing it to men but that’s. It really important. I think it’s disgusting behaviour from any human being

Tig98

Many possible reasons and unfortunately you'll never know which one, its best to just take it on the chin and move on.

From listening to my friends, both guys and girls, women love being chased. They love a guy to show interest in them and follow them up about dates etc. However it comes to a point where it takes two to tango, and men stop putting in the effort in the hopes that their energy and interest will be matched.

The woman does not pursue the man back.

The woman thinks she has been ghosted.

ILoveYourVibes

Women do it too.

We all do it.

ILoveYourVibes

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I totally agree. I’d say it’s far more common women doing it to men but that’s.

As a woman i have to say ...yes its true.

And i have done it ..not proud of it ..but there you go.

Usually it means the perception of us having gotten on is onesided.

Like why not just set the person straight?

it can seem mean ...i am a very indirect person and i don't like confrontation ...it can be awkward ...i don't know how to phrase it ..or i don't want the drama that i think they are going to demonstrate

I am just being honest. I hope you can take something from it.

I don't know your situation ..so don't take it personally take it with a grain of salt.

SusieBlue

9 times out of 10 you’ll have done absolutely nothing wrong and the cause is something on their end.
They’re distracted, someone else has their attention, or they simply aren’t arsed enough about you to keep the conversation going.
It’s also common for someone to ghost someone they were previously getting along really well with because they saw something they either didn’t like or that didn’t add up on their social media while doing a background check, and decided to cut their losses there and then.

It’s very rarely ever personal or because of something you did/said. Remember this going forward and you won’t be so upset next time.

nthclare

A lot of monkey branching goes on too, if you find someone who's interested in the same thing as you it's easier to stay focused.

And remember there's a lot of people out there who can't meet up even if there's no covid.

They love the validation and attention, it's like a drug to some

I deliberately put up a picture of myself on tinder looking really rugged and earthy.

It sorts out the women from the flakes, if they like you rough then you're onto something...

ILoveYourVibes

nthclare wrote: »

A lot of monkey branching goes on too, if you find someone who's interested in the same thing as you it's easier to stay focused.

And remember there's a lot of people out there who can't meet up even if there's no covid.

They love the validation and attention, it's like a drug to some

I deliberately put up a picture of myself on tinder looking really rugged and earthy.

It sorts out the women from the flakes, if they like you rough then you're onto something...

Thing is with tinder you are talking to people not in your life. People with no connection to you.

Its like strangers at a bus stop.

bitofabind

Could be a million different reasons. They lost interest and don't want to explain themselves. They want to avoid confrontation. It may be the only way they can think of ending the relationship. They don't want to hurt your feelings. They have a better connection with someone else. Something turned them off and they can't / won't articulate that because it's awkward.

Sadly it's a part of dating today that most if not all people experience. It's cowardly and is a glaring red flag that this person is not a prospect and has this pretty unfortunate character flaw. Try not to take it personally, or take a break from the apps to get your self-esteem up to a place where it doesn't trigger extreme abandonment / insecurities.

cj maxx

Many years ago , before I'd heard of ghosting, I did it a few times.
It was because either she was coming on a bit strong ( organising meeting family after 2/3 dates ) Or because she was completely out of my league and I preempted getting dumped . This was either in England or America where I wasn't going to bump into them. A really ****ty thing to do but if for some reason you don't meet up or chat it just seemed the easier option

Jequ0n

I admit I am doing it sometimes, reasons are varied because I find people exhausting in general.

If you are draining my energy and I don’t have a reason to keep you around I see no need to keep communication going.

Usually I am just too bored to outline my reasons because the relationship will be finished anyway.

At the same time ghosting keeps the communication line open in a way. Should you have to contact the person again they might reply because they are still confused about the reasons and want closure. Once you have made up an excuse you can then try to reel them back in, though this only works on insecure people who desperately need harmony in their lives.

I’d say once someone has ghosted you and reconnects you’d want to return the favour because otherwise they’ll do it again eventually.

TP_CM

I think as a population we're pretty damn awful at being direct with each other in any way and ghosting is just another one of those ways. I think everyone needs to be blunt once to a person they're trying to cease communication with, and after that it's not as difficult.

But here is the reality OP. You are looking for someone who is going to make it through a long term relationship and possibly even marriage with you. There will be upsets, temptations, disappointments and quite trying times. Your starting point has to be strong. If they are a person who is really into you and the relationship, and they are done with the rest of the dating world, you should expect a response in 1 to 2 days in my opinion. If you don't get it, they're not as into the relationship as they need to be. So delete them and block them and move on. I had a 24 hour rule personally. If someone couldn't find the time to drop me a text in that time frame then they just weren't good enough.

And instead of changing the dating world, change your mindset of it. Expect ghosting. Build it in as a normal thing as opposed to an annoying thing. That's what I did. I normalised it and accepted it as human behaviour.

LegacyUser

As a woman I have never ghosted anyone and never will. I feel the fact there's a word for it now, some people feel it justifies their bad behaviour. At the end of the day just because a person is on an app doesn't make them any less of a human being with real feelings. People can pretend oh it's just like nothing but it isn't.

It happened to me recently and it just proves what a coward he is with no communication skills. I feel people's values these days are gone.

Anytime I felt I wasnt interested in someone I would send a polite message to say so and everytime it's been took well. So I don't know what people are afraid of? A bit of honesty goes a long way.

I feel for you OP but take it as seeing that person for what they really are and that's a coward.

Sonic the Shaghog

I really wonder if it's a modern thing tbh.

I'm sure there was many person waiting for the landline to ring in the 80s and 90s and didn't hear a peep anymore

TP_CM

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

I really wonder if it's a modern thing tbh.

I'm sure there was many person waiting for the landline to ring in the 80s and 90s and didn't hear a peep anymore

I think family members used to clear a lot up in that case... (music builds in background)...

Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's busy
Too busy to come to the phone
Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's trying
To start a new life of her own

Dtp1979

TP_CM wrote: »

I think family members used to clear a lot up in that case... (music builds in background)...

Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's busy
Too busy to come to the phone
Sylvia's mother says Sylvia's trying
To start a new life of her own

I’m guessing you had an ex callled Sylvia?

TP_CM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I’m guessing you had an ex callled Sylvia?

No thank god. I had no time for Sylvia's like that. But Shel Silverstone did and though he didn't get the girl he at least got a hit record out of it!

Oink

In cases where it’s completely undeserved, where you have given them no reason to think you’ll give them any crazy drama, I would just assume that the other person is being cowardly/lazy/lacking in common decency. They prefer your pain or humiliation to their inconvenience.

I can think of one ex-friend I have ghosted (more or less), but if they don’t know why, well fvckit i can’t help them.

Locker10a

TP_CM wrote: »

I think as a population we're pretty damn awful at being direct with each other in any way and ghosting is just another one of those ways. I think everyone needs to be blunt once to a person they're trying to cease communication with, and after that it's not as difficult.

The thing with ghosting is... it means nothing is ever closed off, the door is left slightly ajar, it’s selfish and cowardly because it means the ghoster isn’t breaking anything off, they’re keeping options open, but the chances are they’ve met someone else and are seeing how that goes.

Locker10a

Oink wrote: »

In cases where it’s completely undeserved, where you have given them no reason to think you’ll give them any crazy drama, I would just assume that the other person is being cowardly/lazy/lacking in common decency. They prefer your pain or humiliation to their inconvenience.

Exactly THIS !!

leggo

I think a lot of people take ghosting more personally than it’s intended. I’ve done it and had it done to me and, yeah, it sucks but also...no answer is an answer. If you don’t accept someone who’d normally write back to you in minutes going dark for hours, then days, as lack of interest then what other info or closure are you waiting for exactly? You have enough to act upon and why would you even want someone who is okay just evaporating from your life and never speaking to you again?

I’ve done it to people I’d barely know...if there was something more substantial or someone asked directly, I’d give a direct and honest reason out of courtesy. But in my experience that doesn’t get a much better response: a lot of the time it leads to are people trying to argue with you to force you to like them or just turns into them acting out at the rejection by trying to turn it on you or throw digs.

And tbh, while nobody enjoys being ghosted...I think that’s what people who militantly dislike it hate most about it: the loss of control they have in their own life. They want to be able to argue with someone and try force them to stay in the relationship, or to reverse the hurt and ‘put them in their place’ for rejecting them. And maybe the other person picked up on some of that, maybe they saw the begging or argument ahead of time and just chose to opt out. And when you consider that begging or arguing is quite an undignified, emotionally immature (if human) reaction...is it not fair of someone to choose to avoid all of that? They don’t ‘owe’ you anything after all.

Locker10a

leggo wrote: »

I think a lot of people take ghosting more personally than it’s intended. I’ve done it and had it done to me and, yeah, it sucks but also...no answer is an answer. If you don’t accept someone who’d normally write back to you in minutes going dark for hours, then days, as lack of interest then what other info or closure are you waiting for exactly? You have enough to act upon and why would you even want someone who is okay just evaporating from your life and never speaking to you again?

I’ve done it to people I’d barely know...if there was something more substantial or someone asked directly, I’d give a direct and honest reason out of courtesy. But in my experience that doesn’t get a much better response: a lot of the time it leads to are people trying to argue with you to force you to like them or just turns into them acting out at the rejection by trying to turn it on you or throw digs.

And tbh, while nobody enjoys being ghosted...I think that’s what people who militantly dislike it hate most about it: the loss of control they have in their own life. They want to be able to argue with someone and try force them to stay in the relationship, or to reverse the hurt and ‘put them in their place’ for rejecting them. And maybe the other person picked up on some of that, maybe they saw the begging or argument ahead of time and just chose to opt out. And when you consider that begging or arguing is quite an undignified, emotionally immature (if human) reaction...is it not fair of someone to choose to avoid all of that? They don’t ‘owe’ you anything after all.

Very true points, I really think it depends on the circumstances tbh, I am probably guilty of it too especially in cases where there was perhaps one date and no spark so things fizzled, but I also know of cases where after a year or more a person has been ghosted, and thrown a morsel of contact here and there to keep the line somewhat open, but all the while the other party has moved to a new project but obviously don’t reveal this, keeping options open so to speak, which for me shows poor integrity and weak character

Smile111

I think after a date or 2 it's okay but not if in arelationship.
It happened to me once while in a relationship. The hurt, pain and heartache is awful. I wouldn't/couldn't put someone through that. Just ring/ or text and tell the person not just send a meaningless text here and there .
It might be easier for the person breaking up but it's soul destroying for the person on the receiving end of it.
Never ever will I do that to someone if wanting to end a relationship.

santana75

I think it's bad form in general. Someone who Ghosts anyone is essentially a coward who doesn't have the courage to be honest and direct. People do it to avoid hassle and spare themselves from possible drama but in the end its the Ghoster not the Ghostee who suffers far more. It speaks volumes about the person and their lack of depth and character, I mean that is not someone you would want at your side going into battle. So even though it is frustrating to have someone Ghost you in the end it's a bullet dodged, and in a way life is saving you from having someone like that in your life.

Daisy78

santana75 wrote: »

I think it's bad form in general. Someone who Ghosts anyone is essentially a coward who doesn't have the courage to be honest and direct. People do it to avoid hassle and spare themselves from possible drama but in the end its the Ghoster not the Ghostee who suffers far more. It speaks volumes about the person and their lack of depth and character, I mean that is not someone you would want at your side going into battle. So even though it is frustrating to have someone Ghost you in the end it's a bullet dodged, and in a way life is saving you from having someone like that in your life.

Also Ireland is a small country, there is a high enough chance that you could at some stage bump into the person you ghosted which is far more awkward than if you just had the chat in the first place and were honest.

ILoveYourVibes

I think it's bad form in general. Someone who Ghosts anyone is essentially a coward who doesn't have the courage to be honest and direct. People do it to avoid hassle and spare themselves from possible drama but in the end its the Ghoster not the Ghostee who suffers far more. It speaks volumes about the person and their lack of depth and character,

I feel very attacked. Yes i admit ...i have been this.

Daisy78 wrote: »

Also Ireland is a small country, there is a high enough chance that you could at some stage bump into the person you ghosted which is far more awkward than if you just had the chat in the first place and were honest.

Actually ...its true Ireland is small. Its happened to me both ways ..someone I ghosted ...and someone i directly told ..erm sorry not into you.

It was equally awkward BOTH TIMES.

I agree almost always its the nicer thing to do. But i will admit i have ghosted.

I am just thankful it rarely happens i meet them again.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

The thread is sliding in to general discussion on Ghosting, rather than concentrating on offering advice to the OP. Please offer advice to the OP when replying or move on to another thread.

ILoveYourVibes, you have been asked before to offer advice when replying to a thread in PI/RI. If you have no advice to offer the OP then please do not post.

Thanks

HS

Airyfairy12

Admittedly ive done this twice, one of the men who I was texting, we were getting on extremely well but every time we arranged to meet up I wouldnt hear from him at all the day of our planned date. I said it to him that I wasnt impressed and if he couldnt meet he should have let me know but it continued to happen. I knew I wouldnt stop texting him and didnt want to make a big drama out of him not meeting me so after some thought, I just blocked him as I felt he was stringing me along.
The second man I ghosted was for similar reasons, we were texting for weeks and despite us getting along really well, he never made any attempt to meet up for a date so I just stopped replying to his messages.

Not sure about your situation but have you met up with this guy at all? Its very hard to get to know someone properly over text and although you might get on, theres very little real connection until you actually meet someone in person, it can be hard to keep up texting someone and feeling like its going nowhere.

If its really bothering you id suggest messaging him and asking him what happened.

JustAThought

Men and women do it. I don’t agree with saying it is always cowardly - people might have spotted something you say or do that they don’t find aTtractive but don’t want to either hurt you or confront you by saying it is a dealbreaker. People also don’t want the confrontation & angst/ begging/crying / tell me what I’m doing and I’ll change etc Sometimes things are so wishy washy that its not worth doing a big rigmarole over & just leaving the gaps between meeting/contact longer and longer. Who wants to hear they are a racist, or have filthy stinking breath from bad dental hygine, or are always late and dull or always miserable company when out & drinking or that they’re just a bit dull and boring and someone else is better than they are to be with and more sexy and exciting snd fun and desirable as a partner? And no, they don’t want to be friends or keep in contact.

Obviously its not the same if the relationship has been long term or sexual. But with peoples McDonalds approach to sex these days even ghosting after that is not the catastrophic & truly awful event it used be. Although in this context I admit its fairly grim. Unless there was a trainspotting event, or unfunny messy selfish incompatible disappointing sexual disaster.

They ‘re just not that into you is not a sentence anyone wants to hear - but often its simply that. They have found it out over time or dealing with you. And they don’t want to be unkind and tell you why, or to continue with you.Maybe they have met someone ‘better’ - or would prefer to be alone than put up with you. Sad, but sometimes true, and in this case ghosting is an easy way out where the cruel or hurtful things are not said. They just fade out. And everyone is supposed to move on. No dialogue is also a clear message - its over.

leggo

Of course it’s not always cowardly: if someone you’ve just met is an absolute dickhead to you, for example, do you have to put up with crap for the sake of protecting the feelings of someone you don’t know? Or if it’s for a really embarrassing reason, as you say, like poor personal hygiene...is it my responsibility to tell a stranger they need to have a wash? What if they know this but have a medical condition?

Same if someone is weird or clingy. I remember I had a few dates with one girl that I was cooling on very quickly because she started to unravel a bit. I think she picked up on this and one morning when I didn’t write back to a text of hers for a few hours (while genuinely busy in work, which she knew), I went on lunch and saw her Insta story filled with really blatant digs at me with “hope ur ok hun” sunset quotes about people who don’t have time for you etc. While I absolutely would’ve let her down gently if I’d have even got a bit of time and space to myself and decided, as was my right, not to devote my entire life to her...now it felt like I was walking into a warzone with someone I didn’t know that well. Do you think she tells her friends that I’m a coward or takes a long look in the mirror and says “I was very insecure and needy and couldn’t give a person a bit of space without behaving like a child on social media“?

People tell themselves “oh they’re cowards” because their feelings have been hurt and they’re trying to ‘take the power back’, I guess. But even the idea that someone owes you something like proper closure, while it can be natural to feel when we’re vulnerable, is irrational and needy in itself. People who break up with us aren’t responsible for healing us or contributing towards the healing process. The wounds they open are generally there anyway from our own past. There’s nothing to stop us from taking the attitude of “I’m great and if someone doesn’t recognise that, it’s their loss”, and taking any break-up like a champ. If we don’t see ourselves that way and start decrying the other person for not doing it ‘the right way’, take some accountability for not doing the work on yourself to begin with.

People can and do ghost OP. You’re not going to change that by being one of these people giving out about it being cowardly on boards.ie. But you can change how you respond to it yourself and it starts by changing how you see yourself, by the treatment you allow others to give you and by how you respond to anything that falls short of that.

DonnaDarko09

I agree it’s bad form. You don’t need to be honest in your reasons for not wanting to see someone after all! But it’s respectful to at least reply and let them know you’re not interested in taking things further.
I was never ghosted in my dating days but i can imagine how hurtful it could be. I always let men know when I wasn’t interested (without getting into specifics).

JustAThought

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

I agree it’s bad form. You don’t need to be honest in your reasons for not wanting to see someone after all! But it’s respectful to at least reply and let them know you’re not interested in taking things further.
I was never ghosted in my dating days but i can imagine how hurtful it could be. I always let men know when I wasn’t interested (without getting into specifics).

So you lie to keep someone happy ok - no point in being cruel, I totally get that- but people don’t typically ghost to end a long term solid relationship - it is the few week dates, the crazy abusive loons, the cruel clingers and desperates who want to analysise everyting and refuse to let go that (I imagine) are the big ghoster triggers - not a normal relationship that gradually breaks down.

I’ve been ghosted by recruitment companies AFTER I have done multiple interviews for (the same) job. Now I do take offense at that - they are paid to be objective and professional. They’re not making a mistake in a nightclub after ten tequilas. Or realised after a few texts that they’ve swiped wrong and are possibly now talking directly to someone from prison cell block H in for GBH. The dating world is a different place - nowadays not all ghosts are equal, or monsterghosts.

DonnaDarko09

JustAThought wrote: »

So you lie to keep someone happy ok - no point in being cruel, I totally get that- but people don’t typically ghost to end a long term solid relationship - it is the few week dates, the crazy abusive loons, the cruel clingers and desperates who want to analysise everyting and refuse to let go that (I imagine) are the big ghoster triggers - not a normal relationship that gradually breaks down.

I’ve been ghosted by recruitment companies AFTER I have done multiple interviews for (the same) job. Now I do take offense at that - they are paid to be objective and professional. They’re not making a mistake in a nightclub after ten tequilas. Or realised after a few texts that they’ve swiped wrong and are possibly now talking directly to someone from prison cell block H in for GBH.

Eh no. I don’t lie. I just don’t go into detail as to why I no longer want to see them again. The point is I let them know that I see no future for us and so that allows all parties to move on. No point in letting people hang otherwise. It is literally a few words in a text.

Porklife

Lie to keep someone happy? I don't see where Donnadarko said or implied either of those things. Ghosting is an unfortunate part of modern dating and there are a myriad of reasons why it happens. The person could be married and looking to cheat but then chickened out, they could actually be cat fishing you and look nothing like their pictures or, in a case where you've met them, they could just not find you attractive and decide to take the cowardly route of ghosting to avoid an awkward conversation.
Ultimately unless it's an actual relationship, they dont really owe you an explanation. Of course it hurts and we would all like a sense of closure but think about this way....if you liked the person and felt a spark but afterwards they messaged saying hi, was nice to meet you but I don't want to meet again, bye...you would feel equally as hurt! Its down to rejection and nobody likes rejection but life is short, you will find someone more suited to you, keep on fighting the good fight and know this too shall pass and good times wait ahead.

magic17

Ghosting is acceptable for me pre-meetup. In my experience it's one of three reasons:

- The conversation went dead and the same effort isn't coming from the other side to keep it going. Eventually you just get fed up and stop.

- Chances are nearly everyone is talking to  X amount of other people. Someone more interesting, or better looking, has come along and shown interest in them so they ignore you. On some occasions they will come crawling back with a story such as "Sorry, crazy busy week".

- The background check. It happens. If you know someone's first name, their job and where they're from you can probably find most people on some form of social media.

Ghosting someone after you've met no matter how many dates is just cowardly. If you can't say it to their face then at least send them a text. Most people understand when you tell them you're not feeling it.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As the OP hasn't been back and the thread continues to stray into general discussion, rather than offering advice, we'll close the thread there.

OP if you need further advice and want the thread reopened, you can PM one of the Mod Team and they'll do it for you.

Thank you all for your help and advice.

HS