My girlfriend is obese and it's becoming a turnoff

Segotias · 26-08-2020 10:42AM

Seems like the indirect approach isn't working and doesn't seem to be getting any kind of positive response from her.

Anyone can cook or learn basics which aren't junk food.

I think you really have to think what outcome you want from this and are you willing to incur potential other outbursts if you're more direct about it.

0xzmro3n4y7lb5 · 26-08-2020 11:01AM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

You haven’t one nice thing to say about her, not only ridiculing her size but her intelligence and she’s snapping at you.

This is about more than food. And my opinion is the problem is you.

Danni21 · 26-08-2020 11:05AM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

Because you suggested doing something fun and challenging as a couple and in the mean time raise funds for a well needed cause? All sorts? Seems she is aware of the problem hence being defensive and doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Hannibal_Smith · 26-08-2020 11:20AM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

What was the all sorts she accused you of?

Mrs OBumble · 26-08-2020 11:23AM

You two do not have compatible life goals.

You want to be fit and to eat nice food. She doesn't.

Either one of you needs to compromise - and these are major issues to compromise about - or you need to break up.

meeeeh · 26-08-2020 11:31AM

2 fast wrote: »

Totally true. I put up weight out of pure laziness and boredom, I have no psychological issues. Not every person who falls into the obese category has an eating disorder sometimes it is just laziness which becomes a cycle.

My partner is obese because he works too much and probably a bit because of stress (and no he won't change he is an workaholic). Overtiredness makes people eat more too. It xan be exactly tge opposite to laziness.

Anyway there could be gazillion reasons why someone would be overweight, some psychological some lifestyle related, some biological. It's clear though that her diet is dreadful. I didn't even think adults eat chicken nuggets. Exercise is great but you don't loose much weight so op is there a chance you two would have meals together that you would cook?

strandroad · 26-08-2020 11:55AM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

It's not her weight that is the problem, it's her lifestyle which is incompatible with yours, and also with general health guidelines. You're not going to change her OP if a) it's how she was brought up b) she is happy with it.

Her weight is just a byproduct, this attitude could just as well manifest itself in diabetes, shortness of breath etc. and in time it probably will. Without a root and branch change to her principles (which she would need to believe in herself) any ad hoc weight loss effort will only be a band aid and destined to fail.

If you can't change it can you live with it?

ManOfMystery · 26-08-2020 12:35PM

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

You haven’t one nice thing to say about her, not only ridiculing her size but her intelligence and she’s snapping at you.

This is about more than food. And my opinion is the problem is you.

Rubbish.

He said she has no cooking skills. That's a factual statement; some people can cook, others can't.

He said she is overweight with a high BMI. This is again a factual statement, not a slur or insult.

I don't see her being ridiculed anywhere. I see a partner who is frustrated because his other half has seemingly stopped making any effort at all when it comes to looking after herself, eating healthily or partaking in any exercise even when he tries to encourage it subtly with a very positive objective of raising money for charity.

At no point has he called her a fat mess or lazy or any other derogatory term, so cheer up a bit.

Granadino · 26-08-2020 12:44PM

If anything, regardless of whatever weight someone is, or whatever they look like, promoting healthy eating should not be something to get in an argument about. You are well within your rights to push this and if they don't want to take it on board, then you need to look at the bigger picture. I wouldn't date someone who smoked.

BnB · 26-08-2020 01:08PM

Wanderer78 wrote: »

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

What a pile of complete and utter crapola.

Obesity is 100% NOT an eating disorder. It can in some cases be a symptom of underlying issues which may or may not include an eating disorder. However, it the majority of cases it is just that someone is just not taking the time to look after themselves properly for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I have a strong tendency to be over weight and I'm usually a stone or two on the wrong side of where I should be. I don't have any underlying issues. I have a great wife and family and I'm extremely happy. I just really love all the wrong foods and at times, I have the will power of an amoeba.....!!!!!

IAMAMORON · 26-08-2020 01:23PM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

Imagine the crap she going to feed your kids? You could very easily end up with big fat spoilt overweight monsters gorging on crisps and fast food and other shight. Cost you a fortune in doctors fees and dentist bills.

She sounds like a disaster, get out now.

Women with no kitchen skills are dangerous.

26-08-2020 01:37PM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

She's not just "putting on a bit", she's been "putting on a bit" for the past ages. Her BMI is probably in around the 30 mark.

A healthy BMI is between 19 and 24. You say she is "around" 30. Do you know for sure?

Its quite easy to go from a BMI of 24 to a BMI of 30 which is technically "obsese" but hardly means she is waddling like a beached whale. Even an extra stone could put her into the obese category if she is not very tall.

But, if a stone on her really bothers you so much that you're losing your attraction to her, then I'd say your attraction must have been very superficial and based on her looks in the first place, and I'd be more concerned about that, then about her carrying a few extra pounds.

What happens if she does have a few babies and is heavier afterwards?

Wanderer78 · 26-08-2020 01:41PM

BnB wrote:

Personally, I have a strong tendency to be over weight and I'm usually a stone or two on the wrong side of where I should be. I don't have any underlying issues. I have a great wife and family and I'm extremely happy. I just really love all the wrong foods and at times, I have the will power of an amoeba.....!!!!!

Strangly enough, willpower is a psychological issue, and you may have an addiction to addictive foods, like many humans, including myself

Hannibal_Smith · 26-08-2020 01:46PM

^^^^. I was just looking at the BMI Chart on the HSE website because I was wondering the same thing. BMI of 30 is borderline between overweight and Obese according to them??

You started the thread by asking how to broach the subject with your girlfriend OP, yet clearly you've already done that?

She doesn't want to change her ways. You can't make her. So the next step is up to you.

TheadoreT · 26-08-2020 02:08PM

What are you getting out of this OP? You're no longer attracted to her and with good reason it sounds, she sounds irritable and lazy with low motivation for life. She wont join you in the many healthy pursuits you suggested. You both sound completely incompatible.

Shes not the only one who needs to lose weight, the weight of this relationship is slowing you down so you need to cut the fat and move on.

Ella281 · 26-08-2020 02:17PM

Tell her.
She may react negatively and upset at the start... but in the long run you are doing her a favour.
Sounds like she’s comfy and unmotivated. You shutting up and putting up will not help you or her. What she’s doing is unhealthy. She’s an adult. It’s likely she knows but has every excuse for having this and that rubbish food. One I used to use was having a “craving” lol.
Talk to her.
Tell her straight.
If she refuses to acknowledge it or change, think about moving on.
You are in a romantic relationship. Not a platonic one. If you don’t find her lazy ways attractive, that’s that.
Only she can change for the better. You can’t do it for her.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 02:30PM

Hi,

I have been in the exact same situation as you, except I was married and my wifes weight gain was over a longer period.

My wife used to have a great figure, she was a real stunner and got a lot of compliments when she was younger. She's probably not naturally slim, but before we married she would have had some self control (we'd have drinks/takeaway once a week and eat well during the weekdays). Once we started seeing each other, got engaged, then married, the weight started to pile on. It seemed any sort of exercise or diet control went out the window from the day after the wedding. Her excuse used to be "I am married now, what do I need to be worrying about my weight for?". Within 6-7 years, she went from being about 2 stone less than me, to over 2 stone more than me, despite me being half a foot taller.

I tried the same tactics as you. Tried to encourage healthy eating, tried to suggest outdoor activities. I was never once negative, and never once brought up her weight gain. I tried to encourage her to lead a better lifestyle. Even though I cooked most dinners, she would still sneak chocolate, fizzy drinks, or takeout while at work. She began to resent any efforts I was making and would make jibes accusing me of saying that she was fat (even though I never once said that).

I spent the guts of three years trying to encourage her to change, but it all came to nothing. She was miserable because she thought I was accusing her of being fat. I was miserable because I wasn't attracted to my wife anymore and feared she'd be dead by 60. In the end, we separated and in hindsight, it was the best decision I ever made, I only regret postponing it for as long as I did.

As people here have stated, you appear have incompatabile life goals, maybe it's best for both of you to move on. Don't end up getting married like I did and end up with a kid who has to deal with the messy fall out of a divorce.

JustAThought · 26-08-2020 02:55PM

OP - do you like her otherwise - get on/ have the craic?
What do you have in common or have just just grown Part over the years and have little
left in common except the past?

Do you rent a flat or have a house/ flat together?

4 years is a long time in a relationship - its probably about the time she will
be looking for an engagement or child -
maybe its time you had a serious
think about whether you actually liked her herself anymore or are
togeher just out of convenience/habbit.

People are different and din’t have to have the same hobbies/passions but if you’ve little
left in common and don’t find her attractive or enjoy her company or want to have sex with her then maybe its time to cut
your lossez and let her fins someone who likes her as she is and that she can eat and be a couch potato with.

People change over time - just because you loved her ine and hd lots in common dosn’t mean you have to be with them forever. Who did her cooking when you first went out - her mother? or was she sporty then and now hust watches tv while you go out to gyms/ sport? What triggered the big change?

tara73 · 26-08-2020 03:41PM

I'm not getting this being indirect all the time. You tried it and it didn't work, time for tacheles. Also her accusing you of things(what?) is ridiculous and childish, defensive behaviour from her. If she's not willing to take you and the relationship serious, her loss.

Give her an ultimatum, tell her if she won't start making an effort to loose wait, eat healthy, starting with exercise, you'll be gone.
Seriously, why tiptoeing around ignorant people and finding all excuses on earth. Finding it way too often here these days.

Not worth it, your worth more than what she has to offer (or better to say: not to offer:))

cannotlogin · 26-08-2020 05:52PM

She's obese,you don't find her attractive and are likely to walk if this doesn't change.

At least if you tell her she has the option of changing things, if she wants to.

Is the weight gain the only issue as it doesn't read like it is?

Emme · 26-08-2020 08:24PM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

I don't know how to broach the subject with her.

She only eats rubbish. Pizza, waffles, chips, sausages, etc, when I'm not there unless I cook a healthy balanced meal. Her idea of a "meal" is pizza and chicken nuggets.

She's not just "putting on a bit", she's been "putting on a bit" for the past ages. Her BMI is probably in around the 30 mark.

She never exercises. I swim and jog and play sport, usually football. I'm becoming less and less attracted to her physically.

Any time I suggested playing some football with me or swimming she always has an excuse. She won't even go walking.

How do I broach the topic? We're together 4 years.

OP I have read the whole thread. When you met your GF was she slimmer? Did she eat healthily and take exercise?

Some illnesses such as underactive thyroid can cause weight gain and laziness but that's no excuse for eating bad food. I found out some years ago that I had underactive thyroid after being wrecked all the time and not losing weight despite eating less (I had a healthy diet anyway) and upping my exercise.

Did she live at home before you moved in together? Did she eat with her family? It's just as easy to put a salad together as it is to order a takeaway. It's easier than ever to eat healthily.

If you mentioned her health to her and suggested more exercise but were shot down you need to reassess the relationship. Somebody said that if you stayed together and had children she would feed them unhealthy food. Someone who is overweight, eats badly, doesn't exercise and doesn't want to change is more likely to get serious illness than a healthy person.

People need to have life goals in common for a relationship to succeed. That applies to health, diet and fitness. You need to find out once and for all if you still have enough in common with her for the relationship to continue. Tell her out straight that you are not happy with her lifestyle and how it affects her health. She needs to improve her diet and take more exercise for herself and the health benefits she will reap long term. You would also be happy to see her taking an interest in her overall health. If she is not happy to do that cut loose. There are plenty of women out there who have healthy lifestyles and continue that way whether they are in a relationship or not.

Tokyo · 27-08-2020 04:51AM

Admin: It's becoming pretty obvious that a handful of posters aren't able to give a civil response to the OP's question. Any further posts solely to get a fat joke or condescending comment in will be met with a forum ban.

Low Energy Eng · 27-08-2020 05:28AM

Some people aren't aware what is "healthy" & what isn't healthy. I was guilty of thinking something is healthy therefore eat plenty of it. Eg milk and cheese etc. Had no idea of calories in each product.
After downloading myfitnesspal app it really changed my thinking on what I consume, and the amount of energy/exercise it takes to burn off a Mars bar etc.
If you're willing to stick around, I suggest getting into that with her, log your food every evening together.
Either way, good luck.

blarb · 27-08-2020 09:46AM

I'm a BMI of 30 and I'd be horrified if my boyfriend thought I'm obese and found me unattractive. I'm aware I'm overweight but it doesn't define me,I have plenty other attractive qualities. It might be worth thinking about what, if any, qualities you find attractive in her?

How long has she been eating this way OP? Has her diet changed, or has she always eaten this badly? If it has changed, then it's likely circumstantial (I know I've been eating a LOT worse during lockdown and that's what drove my weight/BMI up). I also put on weight every time I have a major life event such as a new job, house move, death in the family etc, as I'm a stress eater. But I know I can get it back off as soon as I feel ready.

However, if she has always eaten this way since you've known her, then she is not likely to suddenly change, unless she wants to for herself. And you may need to review if you can stay in a relationship with her, especially you find it hard to find other ways to build attraction.

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't interested in at least trying to be healthy and look after himself, or someone who wasn't interested in doing some physical activity either alone or together, even if it was just walking.

Danni21 · 27-08-2020 10:29AM

blarb wrote: »

I'm a BMI of 30 and I'd be horrified if my boyfriend thought I'm obese and found me unattractive. I'm aware I'm overweight but it doesn't define me,I have plenty other attractive qualities. It might be worth thinking about what, if any, qualities you find attractive in her?

Think people are missing the bigger picture when they are judging the OP for "not being attracted" to his gf because of her weight. It's about her health, her wellbeing. If she continues down this route she could end up with all kinds of health problems and possibly seriously ill. The OP didn't sign up for that i'm guessing?

What if they want to have children? Is she going to make her kids ill and unhealthy by feeding them crap every day?

It runs much deeper than simple physical attraction

Segotias · 27-08-2020 11:03AM

I think based on the OP's first post, his GF has physically changed from the person he first met and was initially attracted to, as she's put on weight its becoming more unattractive to him and that's his type I suppose.

I'd imagine whats adding to the decrease in attraction is her lifestyle and the unwillingness to engage in any kind of physical activity which the OP has said he has been doing or consider change.

My BMI is over 30 and I'm not offended that people aren't attracted to me, we all have a type and something that catches our eye, if that changes in the person then attraction can lessen.

27-08-2020 11:08AM

Danni21 wrote: »

Think people are missing the bigger picture when they are judging the OP for "not being attracted" to his gf because of her weight. It's about her health, her wellbeing.

Rubbish.

It's being dressed up nicely about being about her health, but the title the OP chose to give the thread is:

My girlfriend is obsese and it's becoming a turnoff.

Not :

My girlfriend is obese and I'm worried about her health.

That says where his mind really is.

I do think he should end the relationship. But not because his girlfriend is carrying some extra weight. But because his feelings for her are superficial, and based on her looks. He has not had one good word to say about her, otherwise, not "she is lovely" or "she is kind" or "we have fun together" - everything is negative.

Time to end it, for both their sakes.

Danni21 · 27-08-2020 11:46AM

Deleted User wrote: »

Rubbish.

It's being dressed up nicely about being about her health, but the title the OP chose to give the thread is:

My girlfriend is obsese and it's becoming a turnoff.

Not :

My girlfriend is obese and I'm worried about her health.

That says where his mind really is.

I do think he should end the relationship. But not because his girlfriend is carrying some extra weight. But because his feelings for her are superficial, and based on her looks. He has not had one good word to say about her, otherwise, not "she is lovely" or "she is kind" or "we have fun together" - everything is negative.

Time to end it, for both their sakes.

She doesn't want to do anything physical and is snapping his head off for discussing doing a fun run and raising money for charity. She doesn't sound like she is much fun to be honest.

I don't blame the OP for feeling put off, anyone would be.

27-08-2020 12:06PM

Danni21 wrote: »

She doesn't want to do anything physical and is snapping his head off for discussing doing a fun run and raising money for charity. She doesn't sound like she is much fun to be honest.

I don't blame the OP for feeling put off, anyone would be.

You can tell someone is no fun based on a one-sided thread from someone that has done nothing but criticise her? Fair enough.

He is not suggesting these "fun" physical activities for her benefit, but for his. So she'll lose weight and become more attractive to him again. After four years together, I'd bet money she knows him well enough to know that.

Ending the relationship will be best for both of them. But ironically, it will probably turn out to be exactly the motivation she needs to start looking after herself better. He may be doing her a favour, longterm.

I just hope the OP doesn't regret it if he does end it, and 12 months from now, she is back to her fighting weight and looking fabulous (in his eyes).

I've seen it happen, more than once.

Millionaire only not · 27-08-2020 12:08PM

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

I don't know how to broach the subject with her.

She only eats rubbish. Pizza, waffles, chips, sausages, etc, when I'm not there unless I cook a healthy balanced meal. Her idea of a "meal" is pizza and chicken nuggets.

She's not just "putting on a bit", she's been "putting on a bit" for the past ages. Her BMI is probably in around the 30 mark.

She never exercises. I swim and jog and play sport, usually football.

I'm becoming less and less attracted to her physically.

Any time I suggested playing some football with me or swimming she always has an excuse. She won't even go walking.

How do I broach the topic?

We're together 4 years.

Dump her

My girlfriend is obese and it's becoming a turnoff

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