My girlfriend is obese and it's becoming a turnoff

Pawwed Rig

[Deleted User] wrote: »

He is not suggesting these "fun" physical activities for her benefit, but for his. So she'll lose weight and become more attractive to him again. After four years together, I'd bet money she knows him well enough to know that.

Attraction is very important in a relationship. I am not sure why people are so surprised at this. If she has no interest in maintaining herself and the OP does not find her attractive anymore then there is nothing more to be said. It doesn't matter how fun she might be or how responsible she is.
I couldn't be with someone who sat around eating pizza and nuggets all day. She knows that these things are unhealthy but does not seem to care enough.

OP - time to sit her down and tell her (in an adult way) where your head is. Tell her everything without being cruel. Her response will tell you all you need to know. If she cannot respond in an adult manner then you need to consider your options.

Good luck with it. It is not an uncommon complaint unfortunately

Danni21

Deleted User wrote: »

You can tell someone is no fun based on a one-sided thread from someone that has done nothing but criticise her? Fair enough.

He is not suggesting these "fun" physical activities for her benefit, but for his. So she'll lose weight and become more attractive to him again. After four years together, I'd bet money she knows him well enough to know that.

Ending the relationship will be best for both of them. But ironically, it will probably turn out to be exactly the motivation she needs to start looking after herself better. He may be doing her a favour, longterm.

I just hope the OP doesn't regret it if he does end it, and 12 months from now, she is back to her fighting weight and looking fabulous (in his eyes).

I've seen it happen, more than once.

Well if she can do it so easily after breaking up but not when she has the support of the person she's spent 4 years with who is willing to it as a team then that says a lot

osarusan

Deleted User wrote: »

But because his feelings for her are superficial, and based on her looks. He has not had one good word to say about her, otherwise, not "she is lovely" or "she is kind" or "we have fun together" - everything is negative.

I don't think that's really fair.

He has mentioned the negative as that is what this forum is for - adressing negatives in relationships. We don't know how he feels about her in terms of fun, kindness, etc., so I think calling it superficial is unfair. We just know that she has put on weight and it's a problem for him.

I agree with you that the issue seems to be more with him not being attracted to her rather than her health, but I still don't see anything unreasonable about that. If he finds himself less attracted to her because of her weight, then that's how he feels, and I think it's fair to try and broach it somehow.

Danni21

Danni21 wrote: »

Well if she can do it so easily after breaking up but not when she has the support of the person she's spent 4 years with who is willing to it as a team then that says a lot

I wouldn't call what he is doing supporting her. It sounds more like applying pressure.

Supporting someone is when you do something purely for their benefit, and not for your own ends.

I actually agree with you that it does say a lot. I think it says that he is not the person she needs in her life.

I think the relationship has most likely run its course. (No pun intended).

Anyway, best of luck to the OP, whatever he decides to do.

Danni21

Deleted User wrote: »

I wouldn't call what he is doing supporting her. It sounds more like applying pressure.

Supporting someone is when you do something purely for their benefit, and not for your own ends.

I actually agree with you that it does say a lot. I think it says that he is not the person she needs in her life.

I think the relationship has most likely run its course. (No pun intended).

Anyway, best of luck to the OP, whatever he decides to do.

She has completely changed from the person she was based on what the OP has said. How is that his fault or how does that make him at fault or superficial?

Is he supposed to just be happy now matter how much his girlfriend changes, snaps his head off or lets herself go?

Danni21

Danni21 wrote: »

She has completely changed from the person she was based on what the OP has said.

He never said that. He has been asked about what she was like before, and he hasn't responded, so don't start making up your own facts.

I've made the points I wanted to make, I wish them both the best, and I'm happy to leave it there.

Segotias

He said she'd but on weight over the years so that would be a change

Danni21

Deleted User wrote: »

He never said that. He has been asked about what she was like before, and he hasn't responded, so don't start making up your own facts.

I've made the points I wanted to make, I wish them both the best, and I'm happy to leave it there.

Yes he has responded. Read the posts.

Danni21

Danni21 wrote: »

Yes he has responded. Read the posts.

I have read the posts. And nowhere has he said she has "changed competely from the person she was".

We know nothing about her exercise or eating habits from before, or anything other then she has gained some weight "for a bit", and that it now bothers the OP.

Its hardly likely she HAD lots of cooking skills previously, but has now suddenly lost those skills or has just suddenly developed a taste for junk food.

Anyway, as far as I was aware, Relationship Issues is not supposed to be for general discussion, it's for advice, and the OP has been given that, and its up to him now to decide what direction he wants to go, and what to do with it.

bitofabind

This is such a thorny issue. What can be hardest about women gaining weight can be the un-spokenness that surrounds it. People are very quick to compliment and point out when you lose weight, but weight gain is most often met with silence. Where you can usually fill in the gaps yourself. Your girlfriend knows you are less attracted to her and is probably feeling judged and coerced into losing weight when you drop the not-so-subtle hints about 5ks and home-cooked meals.

The fact is you just need to have an uncomfortable conversation. Tell her her unhealthy habits and lack of confidence is affecting the relationship. In the longrun it's not sustainable because it's going to do a number on your sex life and her confidence will continue to nose dive if she keeps abandoning her health like this.
There may even be relief in it for her to have it confirmed. Right now she's probably second guessing how you feel and lying to herself about the problem. That might be the motivation she needs. Or it might not be. Either way, as her partner you owe her that honesty. Attraction is not something we choose. You can love the person but not be attracted to them and have that be entirely outside of your control. If you are fit and make the effort to stay in shape, there's a fundamental incompatibility here that will spell the end eventually anyway.

Yellow pack crisps

I think people only eat like that when masking something else, I don’t think you’re superficial as you’re looking for advice rather than just ending things. It’s amazing the amount of times I’ve see. Someone who either got dumped or ended a relationship suddenly start looking after themselves more and losing weight and becoming healthier, maybe by not being happy in the relationship or it’s a short term thing to get a new partner and then old habits return. All you can do is tell her that her eating habits and weight gain are affecting your attractiveness to her and see if that does anything, the answer will be an answer. Don’t mind people projecting here, part of a healthy relationship is good mutual attraction.

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest everytime this comes up a lot of people get their backs up as it most likely hits too close to home.

It's not nice and is a sickner but unfortunately it's just human nature to be attracted to what your attracted to.

A person who's other half puts on more than a stone can make them unattractive, a man going bald can be unattractive to his wife etc

It's unfortunate but in one way I'd hate to have someone with me who was repulsed by me just cause they worried people would slate them for being "shallow" even if it was due to a medical condition

Frankly while it's lovely to see some couples who still are mad about each other even with big changes, it's fanciful mills and boons stuff to expect unconditional attraction

FintanMcluskey

The cause of obesity is a surplus of calories, nothing else.

If OP is not married and no kids yet my advice is to end it.

Attraction is important, if its gone before marriage or kids arrive there is no point.

Trust me

leblanc

Been there man.

Despite a lot of claims about underlying mental health issues in my experience was just plain laziness.

When I first met that woman she was active, in fact we met playing sport. As soon as we got serious that all stopped on her side.

She lost all muscle tone and would joke that she no longer had any butt and she couldn't button up her jeans all the way.

I tried encouraging her to come hiking, swimming etc but to no avail.

One evening she was getting undressed and commented that her I had looked at her without any desire so the conversation happened. I was open but as delicate as I could be. Still no change. I was told to take her as she was. When I asked why she used to be more active she told me that she had to be in shape to get a man.
In other words now that I have you I don't need to look good anymore?!

This came to a head on holiday. I was on the beach next to an older woman, with 3 kids who was in better shape than her. I looked up and there she was trudging along the sand with two ice creams - I don't eat dairy so the other wasn't for me - and I felt no attraction, in fact it was the opposite.

I'm no model but I like to eat well, exercise and make the best of what I have. All I could see was a future where she just got bigger and lazier.

A bit of extra padding is natural but several unnecessary stones of fat is not and to me its a turn off.

I wouldn't listen to anyone telling you that you should find that attractive or look past it. We all have a type we are attracted too. For me its healthy.

leblanc

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

You haven’t one nice thing to say about her, not only ridiculing her size but her intelligence and she’s snapping at you.

This is about more than food. And my opinion is the problem is you.

How do you figure that he is the problem??

Xterminator

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

The cause of obesity is a surplus of calories, nothing else.
Trust me

Blatant lies here im afraid. Im calling you out on that one. Obesity is a major issue in our culture but there are a myriad of causes, and not one single one.

There are many factors that can contribute,

Physical inactivity
overeating
genetics
Too many simple carbohydrates
Frequency of eating & size of meal taken
Medications like antidepressants and ones that manage blood sugar
Psychological factors & emotions
Diseases like hypothyroidism, insulin resistance, polycystic ovary syndrome, and Cushing's syndrome & Prader-Willi syndrome, can lead to obesity.

It is not as simple as calories in calories out. Anyone who says it is has an agenda and is ignoring all the science - just like an anti-vaxer.

FintanMcluskey

Xterminator wrote: »

Blatant lies here im afraid. Im calling you out on that one. Obesity is a major issue in our culture but there are a myriad of causes, and not one single one.

There are many factors that can contribute,

Physical inactivity
overeating
genetics
Too many simple carbohydrates
Frequency of eating & size of meal taken
Medications like antidepressants and ones that manage blood sugar
Psychological factors & emotions
Diseases like hypothyroidism, insulin resistance, polycystic ovary syndrome, and Cushing's syndrome & Prader-Willi syndrome, can lead to obesity.

It is not as simple as calories in calories out. Anyone who says it is has an agenda and is ignoring all the science - just like an anti-vaxer.

For some bizzare reason you called me out rather aggressively and compared me to an anti vaxer. And immaturely edited my post out of context

Maybe I struck a nerve

The 1st 7 factors you have listed are in complete support of the argument, a surplus of calories cause obesity.

The reason for the surplus may vary, but the surplus is the cause.

The last 2 factors are diseases which is unlikely to be a factor in the OP's partners case.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, the OP hasn't asked what's causing the girlfriend's weight gain. He's asking how to broach the subject with her. Please offer advice and take the discussion around it elsewhere.

Thanks

HS

meeeeh

I must admit I would have hard time being around someone with eating habits like hers. I like good food so vegan/paleo/lactose free or other fads are just unattractive to me.

However I find it depressing how overweight people are there just to be poked, dismissed, insulted and disrespected. Not by op but by quite a few posters here. The fact is there are about 60% of adult Irish men who are overweight and I think there is similar percentage for women. Once weight is the only relevant measure you limit your dating pool quite a bit. Almost all women will put on some weight at least temporarily when having babies. So if people want their girlfriends/wives to be perfect then better not have children. Ageing is another problem and makes it a lot easier to pile on weight. Physical attraction is great but there has to be something more to sustain the relationship. And if that is missing no conversation about loosing weight and active lifestyle will save the relationship.

FintanMcluskey

meeeeh wrote: »

However I find it depressing how overweight people are there just to be poked, dismissed, insulted and disrespected. Not by op but by quite a few posters here. The fact is there are about 60% of adult Irish men who are overweight and I think there is similar percentage for women. Once weight is the only relevant measure you limit your dating pool quite a bit. Almost all women will put on some weight at least temporarily when having babies. So if people want their girlfriends/wives to be perfect then better not have children. Ageing is another problem and makes it a lot easier to pile on weight. Physical attraction is great but there has to be something more to sustain the relationship. And if that is missing no conversation about loosing weight and active lifestyle will save the relationship.

The OP has stated his partners BMI is 30 which is obese.

Obesity is a serious health issue and shouldn't be justified.

His partner has no children and he does not need to justify his lack of attraction to his partner.

It's not about being perfect, its about being remotely healthy

ILoveYourVibes

OP it is useless for you to ask for advise on this. So i wouldn't.

Only you GF can change if she wants to.

Your feelings about it won't make her change.

And for the most part ...they don't change ..because they can't ..its hard.

Its probably she can't change ....its an addiction.

There is nothing you can do.

It doesn't sound like its a good relationship for either of you.

IMO you should break up with her for the good of you both.

This is not a healthy relationship ..and neither of you are able to behave in a healthy way in this relationship.

His partner has no children and he does not need to justify his lack of attraction to his partner.

It's not about being perfect, its about being remotely healthy

Fine ...but she won't change ....shrug ..he is living in a dream world if he things she will.

And yes if you are with someone you need to justify why you are STILL with them if you are not attracted to him.

She deserves someone who IS attracted to her.

They could both do a lot better for themselves imo.

Their lifestyles don't seem to be similar ....they don't eat a like ...no common ground.

Someone will find her attractive. That person is for her not the OP.

The op seems unhappy ...and to be villainizing her ..so imo ....he deep down is just AFRAID of leaving her. Well he is just going to have to shake himself out of that and do it.

Or stop moaning and put up with her and accept her.

Stop trying to change people ...she won't change. This is who she is. YES she is an unhealthy person. Its her identity. Shrug ..wut you gonna do ..because nothing will work.

I am not justifying it. I am just saying she won't change. There is fantasy and reality. He can't control her eating habits. And the possibility of her changing is ....not good.

I am not sure why people keep saying ..attraction is important. As if it were relevant to reality! Fine its important ..tis not going to magically change her shape!

And yes he might be shallow ...but he is not going to magically change either ..that's why you shouldn't stay with someone who asks you to change.

Answer is ...they would be happier apart. But afraid they won't find anyone else...or stuck together for other reasons. And in that case ...when you are stuck sorry to be harsh ..but you just have to put up and make do with what you have.

Not every guy gets a super model.

In fact not every guy ends up with someone he finds physically attractive. That is the real world. Just like no woman ends up with a prince and a palace.

Its the real world.

I hope i haven't been mean. I just meant to speak plainly.

He is an ordinary guy. She is an ordinary woman.

Despite what movies tell us ...the guy doesn't end up with julia roberts and the girl doesn't end up with ..richard gere was it?

We often end up with people we are not attracted to. Or people who disappoint us in other ways. Some people feel its better to alone. Well...that is always a personal choice.

You can broach the topic ...but well...why ..are you naive enough to think someone good can come of it? If so ..i can't help you.

I hate to tell but ..not all of us end up with people we are attracted to. We are lucky to end up with people who treat us well....and many of us don't even get this. And yes most people decide its better than being alone.

I guess im lucky looks don't matter to me.

worded

I read most of this thread and I had to get up and have two wheat a bix just now with all the talk of pizza etc Reading can cause weight gain !

Seriously though ... I waa talking to some Eastern European’s and they said a lot of irish women want the same as irish men, pints followed by junk food

They would tend to have coffees while the men get the pints in.

She is letting her self go as they used to say

ILoveYourVibes

OP im a skinny girl but i am no craic like! :P


I guess you have to make a choice. Yeah you can try telling her but i don't think she will change ...or i don't even know if she can.

You have to accept people or accept you are not meant for each other.

Sorry. Thats my take.

FintanMcluskey

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP im a skinny girl but i am no craic like! :P.

TBF the OP never mentioned needing his partner to be skinny or Julia Roberts.

Just an effort for his partner to work on her obesity.

Nobody is or requires perfection, or even skinny, but obese is completely different, especially so for someone in their 20's.

kylith

Suggesting to do C25K to someone who does no physical activity is like suggesting they climb Everest.

OP, have you sat down with her and told her that you’re concerned about her weight gain, and enquired about her physical and mental health? You can bring up your dwindling attraction in a tactful way.

Segotias

I'm getting the impression that a lot of people are saying you can't or shouldn't change her. Accept or not!!

However she has changed from the person he was originally attracted to. That initial attraction would have been he liked what he saw, this has changed!! Her lifestyle and lack of willing to change it is probably making it harder for him to accept the change in her.

You can't help who or what type you're attracted to, as said a couple of time, she will be someones type.

Its time for the OP to have a straight forward talk with his girlfriend, she has to know she's overweight, I do! If he's honest with her she might see the impact its having on their relationship and the choice will be hers whether she's willing to do something about it or not

meeeeh

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

TBF the OP never mentioned needing his partner to be skinny or Julia Roberts.

Just an effort for his partner to work on her obesity.

Nobody is or requires perfection, or even skinny, but obese is completely different, especially so for someone in their 20's.

You can require whatever you want but what makes you think you are entitled to getting it.

People loosing weight for themselves is fair enough. People trying to loose the weight to keep their partner is mugs game. You fail eventually and it will never be good enough.

Tordelback

The title of this thread contains the phrase "...it's becoming a turnoff". Can we stop pretending the OP cares about his GF's health, it's his own dick that concerns him.

Homelander

Deleted User wrote: »

I do think he should end the relationship. But not because his girlfriend is carrying some extra weight. But because his feelings for her are superficial, and based on her looks. He has not had one good word to say about her, otherwise, not "she is lovely" or "she is kind" or "we have fun together" - everything is negative.

Time to end it, for both their sakes.

God I do hate these people who immediately leap to this conclusion.

What's so terribly wrong with not being attracted to a fat, out of shape partner who's let themselves go?

Serious question. It doesn't matter if they're a man or a woman.

If a woman came on here, and said her partner used to be a gym freak, but now spends his time eating pizza and nuggets sprawled out on the couch rubbing his belly, there would be surprisingly little of the "you superficial ass" talk.

Attraction is incredibly important. No-one, at any point, has said that being overweight automatically means being unattractive.

But from everything the OP said, this is a serious and 100% justifiable problem that needs addressing.

Personally, I would take the blunt approach. Not in the sense that you tell her she's unattractive, but sit her down and tell her you've noticed that she's put on a lot of weight and you're concerned.

It's not like she's blissfully unaware either, she knows herself. If she's at the stage where she's refusing gym, walking, exercise, she's in denial and is embarrassed about it, most likely.

Or else she just plain doesn't care. But either way, you need to have that conversation.

Tokyo

Mod: This has turned more into general discussion than giving advice to the OP, who hasn't returned to the thread. Considering that a broad spectrum of advice has been given at this stage, thread closed.