My girlfriend is obese and it's becoming a turnoff

LegacyUser

I don't know how to broach the subject with her.

She only eats rubbish. Pizza, waffles, chips, sausages, etc, when I'm not there unless I cook a healthy balanced meal. Her idea of a "meal" is pizza and chicken nuggets.

She's not just "putting on a bit", she's been "putting on a bit" for the past ages. Her BMI is probably in around the 30 mark.

She never exercises. I swim and jog and play sport, usually football.

I'm becoming less and less attracted to her physically.

Any time I suggested playing some football with me or swimming she always has an excuse. She won't even go walking.

How do I broach the topic?

We're together 4 years.

whiskeyman

Was she always eating this poorly and not looking after herself?
Seems like a steady decline at some point since you've known her?

unhappys10

There's no winning in this situation.
If you bring it you'll be the worst in the world.

She sounds like she's only going to get worse if she won't even go for a walk.

Attraction is important, I'd be considering leaving.

Did something happen to cause this or is she just lazy?

DopeTech

Is she happy being obese? Maybe she has difficulty dealing with pressures in her life and uses food as a crutch. Maybe she needs motivation. At the end of the day though she'll have to do it for herself.

Wanderer78

unhappys10 wrote:

Did something happen to cause this or is she just lazy?

That's a bit harsh, eating disorders are a serious matter, there's more than likely some underlying psychological issues going on there, that needs professional attention, this is not an easy one to approach with a loved one, they need help and support, not criticism and judgement, in order to get the help they need.

unhappys10

Wanderer78 wrote: »

That's a bit harsh, eating disorders are a serious matter, there's more than likely some underlying psychological issues going on there, that needs professional attention, this is not an easy one to approach with a loved one, they need help and support, not criticism and judgement, in order to get the help they need.

Yeh yeh and maybe she's just comfortable in a 4 year relationship and got lazy. Not everyone has underlying psychological issues ffs.

Wanderer78

unhappys10 wrote: »

Yeh yeh and maybe she's just comfortable in a 4 year relationship and got lazy. Not everyone has underlying psychological issues ffs.

again, eating disorders are a serious matter, and highly complex, shaming does not help them, and is not a good approach, its actually counter productive, and damn ignorant

Danni21

Wanderer78 wrote: »

again, eating disorders are a serious matter, and highly complex, shaming does not help them, and is not a good approach, its actually counter productive, and damn ignorant

How do you know she has an eating disorder?

unhappys10

Danni21 wrote: »

How do you know she has an eating disorder?

They don't but not stopping them from getting up on their high horse.

Wanderer78

Danni21 wrote: »

How do you know she has an eating disorder?

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

Surreptitious

You could say something like, you have become quite cuddly lately. This is mild and see how she reacts. She might be very sensitive or not care at all. By innocently broaching the subject you will get a feeling from her reaction. Take it from there then. Do you have a dog you could walk together or could you get a dog which would mean she would have to exercise her pet with no excuses.

unhappys10

Wanderer78 wrote: »

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

Oh so this contributes to 100% of cases worldwide?
Can I see your evidence to back this up?

0xzmro3n4y7lb5

Perhaps she’s in an unhappy relationship and using food as a coping mechanism.

You seem to only place worth on her looks and hadn’t one thing nice to say about her.

Wanderer78

unhappys10 wrote: »

Oh so this contributes to 100% of cases worldwide?
Can I see your evidence to back this up?

oh im sure theres plenty of evidence out there that will satisfy your needs, a quick google would do the job!

unhappys10

Wanderer78 wrote: »

oh im sure theres plenty of evidence out there that will satisfy your needs, a quick google would do the job!

Haha, good one, make claims on the internet and get someone else to back them up.

You know perfectly well there are people out there who are just lazy and think they are in a long term relationship, why bother keeping up the effort of looking well when they don't need to.

May not be the case but you don't know one way or the other, so save the high horse bs if you don't mind.

unhappys10

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

Perhaps she’s in an unhappy relationship and using food as a coping mechanism.

You seem to only place worth on her looks and hadn’t one thing nice to say about her.

Oh the OP didn't know he had to sum up his entire life story for a stranger on the internet.
Attraction is hugely important and anyone who thinks differently hasn't a clue.

If the attraction is gone and she isn't willing to change then the op is well within their rights to jump ship.

Might not sit well with all of you bleeding hearts who look for underlying conditions under every rock but that's life.

Danni21

Wanderer78 wrote: »

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

Sometimes people are just lazy and over eat. Not every over weight person has a psychological disorder or issue. Some do. Some actually have physical medical conditions that cause weight gain, some are just lazy. It's really irresponsible to play Dr Internet and presume you have diagnosed the OPs partner.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, could you approach it from the health angle? Download a health app to her phone that counts steps and suggests a competition to meet the 10,000 steps?

Sometimes there can be something at the root of it, a general unhappiness. She really should get to the root of that and watch what she eats as a healthy approach to life, rather than to please some one else.

0xzmro3n4y7lb5

unhappys10 wrote: »

Oh the OP didn't know he had to sum up his entire life story for a stranger on the internet.
Attraction is hugely important and anyone who thinks differently hasn't a clue.

If the attraction is gone and she isn't willing to change then the op is well within their rights to jump ship.

Might not sit well with all of you bleeding hearts who look for underlying conditions under every rock but that's life.

It reveals a lot more about you that you’d just prefer to label her something and call her names rather than see if there is a root cause to her weight gain.

Gorging on pizza and nuggets is not healthy. She will know that already and will also know she is overweight. So she either has a problem with food or has got lazy and comfortable.

Honesty is the best option.

JasonStatham

If she won't even go walking, there's definitely something up with her.

Get some of her mates to find out what it is, if she's tetchy about talking.

If you can't get to the bottom of it, I'd suggest being with a woman who's got the same outlook.

Munsterman12

You should be lucky. Some men love obese women.

unhappys10

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

It reveals a lot more about you that you’d just prefer to label her something and call her names rather than see if there is a root cause to her weight gain.

Nah it really doesn't.
Also, calling someone lazy is describing their behaviour, not calling them names.

Danni21

OP, i'm sorry to hear you're in this tricky situation. I'm not sure what your relationship is like but as someone who's weight fluctuates from time to time I would much rather my partner, close family member be upfront with me. My relationship with my significant other would be far more important to me than not making changes or going for that walk. I think honesty is the best policy in this situation. You've tried the subtle suggestion of exercise etc. Don't envy your situation but wish you the best of luck.

osarusan

OP, she needs it to be a problem for her, not just you, before she will do anything about it.

Right now, does it seem to be a problem for her? I mean, is she talking about how she needs to lose weight or how she hates feeling overweight or whatever, or is she generally not bothered by it.

You also have to ask yourself where this ends up if nothing changes. Is it something you would end a relationship over? There's nothing wrong with having such a position on it.

Not even walking is a concern, if she keeps on eating like that and not exercising at all she will end up as wide as a ditch. Has she been to the Doctor for advice?

2 fast

Danni21 wrote: »

Sometimes people are just lazy and over eat. Not every over weight person has a psychological disorder or issue. Some do. Some actually have physical medical conditions that cause weight gain, some are just lazy. It's really irresponsible to play Dr Internet and presume you have diagnosed the OPs partner.

Totally true. I put up weight out of pure laziness and boredom, I have no psychological issues. Not every person who falls into the obese category has an eating disorder sometimes it is just laziness which becomes a cycle.

OP, you need to have an honest conversation with her but be prepared that she initially she mightnt take it well but with time to think she probably knows these things herself. You can start by saying that health wise she needs to start looking after herself and that ye can do it together.

IAMAMORON

You cannot have total control over your partners life and habits. If you are becoming unattracted to her because she is turning into a lazy fatso it makes sense.

Dump her. Can you imagine how things will get after a few nippers arrive? This big fat overweight monster mammying kids you half like and waddling around your house telling you what to do?

It is a tough world but men put up with alot of partner issues. But weight is something she has control over. She obviously was not a barge when you first started riding so she needs to shape up quite literally.

I wouldn't hang around either. Start prepping now and look for a new partner. She might cop it and start losing a few pound in the meantime. The last thing you need is to spend the rest of your life with 2 tonne Tessie, no thanks.

On a final note I am not saying that fat is wrong or anything, sometimes chunky women can be attractive. But it is laziness and women getting fatter after they stop caring is a big no no in my book. It will just get worse and worse. It works both ways, if I was a women and my fella hit the couch fulltime I would be out the door also.

One more thing..... if you do bring it up your dooooooomed. She will either take it on the chin and lose the weight and dump you ( for being insensitive and/or taking control of her life) ..... or..... she will cripple into a deepky insecure crybaby and deflect her entire weight issue onto you, constantly demanding feedback and involving you in her own crap, you won't like that at all, believe.

Segotias

Not everything can be blamed on psychological issues. I am obese and extremely aware of it and am making a conscious effort to get it off.

Initially it would have been from being lazy and eating crap, I did manage to lose a lot but put a bit back on during chemo and radiotheraphy, I'm back working on it now as I'm healthy but am being slightly hindered by hormone meds, not an excuse just a slower process.

I think you need to talk to your partner, you mentioned that you're not attracted to her anymore, which is fair enough, each to their own but it might do no harm to express a bit of concern for her health and ask if theres a reason. She might just be comfortable and happier being bigger, if she is thats fine, if you're not attracted to her, thats also fine but its something you should get to the bottom of.

As Munsterman12 mentioned there are plenty of men who prefer obese women, to be honest I personally don't want to be someones fetish, I'd rather someone who was interested in me inspite of whether I was bigger or smaller but can understand if attraction falls away with body changes

redfox123

Calling her lazy is in itself lazy. It’s simply a judgement and does no good. If you say someone is happy or sad, there are always reasons for it, and goes down to their outlook being positive or negative and the habits that arise from that. Same with being lazy.

We are all lazy at some point but it’s the habits we form that dictate our lives and health. It sounds like she is not working and has gotten into unhealthy habits. A pizza here and there is not bad but every day with other unhealthy foods will cause weight gain if she is not exercising. I hate exercise and really have to force myself. I hate exercising in front of people too so I have to do it at home. Ask her her reasons for not liking it.

As a partner you need to focus of helping her with healthy habits. Be positive and look at your lives together as a whole, it’s much easier for someone to become motivated when they’re not in it alone. Do some walks together, cycles, etc try make it enjoyable and fun.

I would try that for a while maybe a month and if she really doesn’t want to join in I would strongly advise you to encourage her to see a doctor as you are worried for her health.

LegacyUser

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

Segotias

Seems like the indirect approach isn't working and doesn't seem to be getting any kind of positive response from her.

Anyone can cook or learn basics which aren't junk food.

I think you really have to think what outcome you want from this and are you willing to incur potential other outbursts if you're more direct about it.

0xzmro3n4y7lb5

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

You haven’t one nice thing to say about her, not only ridiculing her size but her intelligence and she’s snapping at you.

This is about more than food. And my opinion is the problem is you.

Danni21

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

Because you suggested doing something fun and challenging as a couple and in the mean time raise funds for a well needed cause? All sorts? Seems she is aware of the problem hence being defensive and doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Hannibal_Smith

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

What was the all sorts she accused you of?

Mrs OBumble

You two do not have compatible life goals.

You want to be fit and to eat nice food. She doesn't.

Either one of you needs to compromise - and these are major issues to compromise about - or you need to break up.

meeeeh

2 fast wrote: »

Totally true. I put up weight out of pure laziness and boredom, I have no psychological issues. Not every person who falls into the obese category has an eating disorder sometimes it is just laziness which becomes a cycle.

My partner is obese because he works too much and probably a bit because of stress (and no he won't change he is an workaholic). Overtiredness makes people eat more too. It xan be exactly tge opposite to laziness.

Anyway there could be gazillion reasons why someone would be overweight, some psychological some lifestyle related, some biological. It's clear though that her diet is dreadful. I didn't even think adults eat chicken nuggets. Exercise is great but you don't loose much weight so op is there a chance you two would have meals together that you would cook?

strandroad

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

It's not her weight that is the problem, it's her lifestyle which is incompatible with yours, and also with general health guidelines. You're not going to change her OP if a) it's how she was brought up b) she is happy with it.

Her weight is just a byproduct, this attitude could just as well manifest itself in diabetes, shortness of breath etc. and in time it probably will. Without a root and branch change to her principles (which she would need to believe in herself) any ad hoc weight loss effort will only be a band aid and destined to fail.

If you can't change it can you live with it?

ManOfMystery

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

You haven’t one nice thing to say about her, not only ridiculing her size but her intelligence and she’s snapping at you.

This is about more than food. And my opinion is the problem is you.

Rubbish.

He said she has no cooking skills. That's a factual statement; some people can cook, others can't.

He said she is overweight with a high BMI. This is again a factual statement, not a slur or insult.

I don't see her being ridiculed anywhere. I see a partner who is frustrated because his other half has seemingly stopped making any effort at all when it comes to looking after herself, eating healthily or partaking in any exercise even when he tries to encourage it subtly with a very positive objective of raising money for charity.

At no point has he called her a fat mess or lazy or any other derogatory term, so cheer up a bit.

Granadino

If anything, regardless of whatever weight someone is, or whatever they look like, promoting healthy eating should not be something to get in an argument about. You are well within your rights to push this and if they don't want to take it on board, then you need to look at the bigger picture. I wouldn't date someone who smoked.

BnB

Wanderer78 wrote: »

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

What a pile of complete and utter crapola.

Obesity is 100% NOT an eating disorder. It can in some cases be a symptom of underlying issues which may or may not include an eating disorder. However, it the majority of cases it is just that someone is just not taking the time to look after themselves properly for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I have a strong tendency to be over weight and I'm usually a stone or two on the wrong side of where I should be. I don't have any underlying issues. I have a great wife and family and I'm extremely happy. I just really love all the wrong foods and at times, I have the will power of an amoeba.....!!!!!

IAMAMORON

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

Imagine the crap she going to feed your kids? You could very easily end up with big fat spoilt overweight monsters gorging on crisps and fast food and other shight. Cost you a fortune in doctors fees and dentist bills.

She sounds like a disaster, get out now.

Women with no kitchen skills are dangerous.

Girlfriend is obese

Girlfriend is obese wrote: »

She's not just "putting on a bit", she's been "putting on a bit" for the past ages. Her BMI is probably in around the 30 mark.

A healthy BMI is between 19 and 24. You say she is "around" 30. Do you know for sure?

Its quite easy to go from a BMI of 24 to a BMI of 30 which is technically "obsese" but hardly means she is waddling like a beached whale. Even an extra stone could put her into the obese category if she is not very tall.

But, if a stone on her really bothers you so much that you're losing your attraction to her, then I'd say your attraction must have been very superficial and based on her looks in the first place, and I'd be more concerned about that, then about her carrying a few extra pounds.

What happens if she does have a few babies and is heavier afterwards?

Wanderer78

BnB wrote:

Personally, I have a strong tendency to be over weight and I'm usually a stone or two on the wrong side of where I should be. I don't have any underlying issues. I have a great wife and family and I'm extremely happy. I just really love all the wrong foods and at times, I have the will power of an amoeba.....!!!!!

Strangly enough, willpower is a psychological issue, and you may have an addiction to addictive foods, like many humans, including myself

Hannibal_Smith

^^^^. I was just looking at the BMI Chart on the HSE website because I was wondering the same thing. BMI of 30 is borderline between overweight and Obese according to them??

You started the thread by asking how to broach the subject with your girlfriend OP, yet clearly you've already done that?

She doesn't want to change her ways. You can't make her. So the next step is up to you.

TheadoreT

What are you getting out of this OP? You're no longer attracted to her and with good reason it sounds, she sounds irritable and lazy with low motivation for life. She wont join you in the many healthy pursuits you suggested. You both sound completely incompatible.

Shes not the only one who needs to lose weight, the weight of this relationship is slowing you down so you need to cut the fat and move on.

Ella281

Tell her.
She may react negatively and upset at the start... but in the long run you are doing her a favour.
Sounds like she’s comfy and unmotivated. You shutting up and putting up will not help you or her. What she’s doing is unhealthy. She’s an adult. It’s likely she knows but has every excuse for having this and that rubbish food. One I used to use was having a “craving” lol.
Talk to her.
Tell her straight.
If she refuses to acknowledge it or change, think about moving on.
You are in a romantic relationship. Not a platonic one. If you don’t find her lazy ways attractive, that’s that.
Only she can change for the better. You can’t do it for her.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been in the exact same situation as you, except I was married and my wifes weight gain was over a longer period.

My wife used to have a great figure, she was a real stunner and got a lot of compliments when she was younger. She's probably not naturally slim, but before we married she would have had some self control (we'd have drinks/takeaway once a week and eat well during the weekdays). Once we started seeing each other, got engaged, then married, the weight started to pile on. It seemed any sort of exercise or diet control went out the window from the day after the wedding. Her excuse used to be "I am married now, what do I need to be worrying about my weight for?". Within 6-7 years, she went from being about 2 stone less than me, to over 2 stone more than me, despite me being half a foot taller.

I tried the same tactics as you. Tried to encourage healthy eating, tried to suggest outdoor activities. I was never once negative, and never once brought up her weight gain. I tried to encourage her to lead a better lifestyle. Even though I cooked most dinners, she would still sneak chocolate, fizzy drinks, or takeout while at work. She began to resent any efforts I was making and would make jibes accusing me of saying that she was fat (even though I never once said that).

I spent the guts of three years trying to encourage her to change, but it all came to nothing. She was miserable because she thought I was accusing her of being fat. I was miserable because I wasn't attracted to my wife anymore and feared she'd be dead by 60. In the end, we separated and in hindsight, it was the best decision I ever made, I only regret postponing it for as long as I did.

As people here have stated, you appear have incompatabile life goals, maybe it's best for both of you to move on. Don't end up getting married like I did and end up with a kid who has to deal with the messy fall out of a divorce.

JustAThought

OP - do you like her otherwise - get on/ have the craic?
What do you have in common or have just just grown Part over the years and have little
left in common except the past?

Do you rent a flat or have a house/ flat together?

4 years is a long time in a relationship - its probably about the time she will
be looking for an engagement or child -
maybe its time you had a serious
think about whether you actually liked her herself anymore or are
togeher just out of convenience/habbit.

People are different and din’t have to have the same hobbies/passions but if you’ve little
left in common and don’t find her attractive or enjoy her company or want to have sex with her then maybe its time to cut
your lossez and let her fins someone who likes her as she is and that she can eat and be a couch potato with.

People change over time - just because you loved her ine and hd lots in common dosn’t mean you have to be with them forever. Who did her cooking when you first went out - her mother? or was she sporty then and now hust watches tv while you go out to gyms/ sport? What triggered the big change?

tara73

I'm not getting this being indirect all the time. You tried it and it didn't work, time for tacheles. Also her accusing you of things(what?) is ridiculous and childish, defensive behaviour from her. If she's not willing to take you and the relationship serious, her loss.

Give her an ultimatum, tell her if she won't start making an effort to loose wait, eat healthy, starting with exercise, you'll be gone.
Seriously, why tiptoeing around ignorant people and finding all excuses on earth. Finding it way too often here these days.

Not worth it, your worth more than what she has to offer (or better to say: not to offer:))

cannotlogin

She's obese,you don't find her attractive and are likely to walk if this doesn't change.

At least if you tell her she has the option of changing things, if she wants to.

Is the weight gain the only issue as it doesn't read like it is?