My girlfriend is obese and it's becoming a turnoff

LegacyUser · 25-08-2020 08:21PM #1

I don't know how to broach the subject with her.

She only eats rubbish. Pizza, waffles, chips, sausages, etc, when I'm not there unless I cook a healthy balanced meal. Her idea of a "meal" is pizza and chicken nuggets.

She's not just "putting on a bit", she's been "putting on a bit" for the past ages. Her BMI is probably in around the 30 mark.

She never exercises. I swim and jog and play sport, usually football.

I'm becoming less and less attracted to her physically.

Any time I suggested playing some football with me or swimming she always has an excuse. She won't even go walking.

How do I broach the topic?

We're together 4 years.

whiskeyman · 26-08-2020 07:45AM

Was she always eating this poorly and not looking after herself?
Seems like a steady decline at some point since you've known her?

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 07:48AM

There's no winning in this situation.
If you bring it you'll be the worst in the world.

She sounds like she's only going to get worse if she won't even go for a walk.

Attraction is important, I'd be considering leaving.

Did something happen to cause this or is she just lazy?

DopeTech · 26-08-2020 07:51AM

Is she happy being obese? Maybe she has difficulty dealing with pressures in her life and uses food as a crutch. Maybe she needs motivation. At the end of the day though she'll have to do it for herself.

Wanderer78 · 26-08-2020 07:53AM

unhappys10 wrote:

Did something happen to cause this or is she just lazy?

That's a bit harsh, eating disorders are a serious matter, there's more than likely some underlying psychological issues going on there, that needs professional attention, this is not an easy one to approach with a loved one, they need help and support, not criticism and judgement, in order to get the help they need.

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 08:16AM

Wanderer78 wrote: »

That's a bit harsh, eating disorders are a serious matter, there's more than likely some underlying psychological issues going on there, that needs professional attention, this is not an easy one to approach with a loved one, they need help and support, not criticism and judgement, in order to get the help they need.

Yeh yeh and maybe she's just comfortable in a 4 year relationship and got lazy. Not everyone has underlying psychological issues ffs.

Wanderer78 · 26-08-2020 08:20AM

unhappys10 wrote: »

Yeh yeh and maybe she's just comfortable in a 4 year relationship and got lazy. Not everyone has underlying psychological issues ffs.

again, eating disorders are a serious matter, and highly complex, shaming does not help them, and is not a good approach, its actually counter productive, and damn ignorant

Danni21 · 26-08-2020 08:23AM

Wanderer78 wrote: »

again, eating disorders are a serious matter, and highly complex, shaming does not help them, and is not a good approach, its actually counter productive, and damn ignorant

How do you know she has an eating disorder?

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 08:26AM

Danni21 wrote: »

How do you know she has an eating disorder?

They don't but not stopping them from getting up on their high horse.

Wanderer78 · 26-08-2020 08:27AM

Danni21 wrote: »

How do you know she has an eating disorder?

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

Surreptitious · 26-08-2020 08:27AM

You could say something like, you have become quite cuddly lately. This is mild and see how she reacts. She might be very sensitive or not care at all. By innocently broaching the subject you will get a feeling from her reaction. Take it from there then. Do you have a dog you could walk together or could you get a dog which would mean she would have to exercise her pet with no excuses.

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 08:28AM

Wanderer78 wrote: »

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

Oh so this contributes to 100% of cases worldwide?
Can I see your evidence to back this up?

0xzmro3n4y7lb5 · 26-08-2020 08:30AM

Perhaps she’s in an unhappy relationship and using food as a coping mechanism.

You seem to only place worth on her looks and hadn’t one thing nice to say about her.

Wanderer78 · 26-08-2020 08:30AM

unhappys10 wrote: »

Oh so this contributes to 100% of cases worldwide?
Can I see your evidence to back this up?

oh im sure theres plenty of evidence out there that will satisfy your needs, a quick google would do the job!

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 08:33AM

Wanderer78 wrote: »

oh im sure theres plenty of evidence out there that will satisfy your needs, a quick google would do the job!

Haha, good one, make claims on the internet and get someone else to back them up.

You know perfectly well there are people out there who are just lazy and think they are in a long term relationship, why bother keeping up the effort of looking well when they don't need to.

May not be the case but you don't know one way or the other, so save the high horse bs if you don't mind.

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 08:35AM

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

Perhaps she’s in an unhappy relationship and using food as a coping mechanism.

You seem to only place worth on her looks and hadn’t one thing nice to say about her.

Oh the OP didn't know he had to sum up his entire life story for a stranger on the internet.
Attraction is hugely important and anyone who thinks differently hasn't a clue.

If the attraction is gone and she isn't willing to change then the op is well within their rights to jump ship.

Might not sit well with all of you bleeding hearts who look for underlying conditions under every rock but that's life.

Danni21 · 26-08-2020 08:37AM

Wanderer78 wrote: »

obesity is an eating disorder, related to underlying psychological issues, elements of unfulfillment, unhappiness etc

Sometimes people are just lazy and over eat. Not every over weight person has a psychological disorder or issue. Some do. Some actually have physical medical conditions that cause weight gain, some are just lazy. It's really irresponsible to play Dr Internet and presume you have diagnosed the OPs partner.

Hannibal_Smith · 26-08-2020 08:37AM

OP, could you approach it from the health angle? Download a health app to her phone that counts steps and suggests a competition to meet the 10,000 steps?

Sometimes there can be something at the root of it, a general unhappiness. She really should get to the root of that and watch what she eats as a healthy approach to life, rather than to please some one else.

0xzmro3n4y7lb5 · 26-08-2020 08:41AM

unhappys10 wrote: »

Oh the OP didn't know he had to sum up his entire life story for a stranger on the internet.
Attraction is hugely important and anyone who thinks differently hasn't a clue.

If the attraction is gone and she isn't willing to change then the op is well within their rights to jump ship.

Might not sit well with all of you bleeding hearts who look for underlying conditions under every rock but that's life.

It reveals a lot more about you that you’d just prefer to label her something and call her names rather than see if there is a root cause to her weight gain.

26-08-2020 08:43AM

Gorging on pizza and nuggets is not healthy. She will know that already and will also know she is overweight. So she either has a problem with food or has got lazy and comfortable.

Honesty is the best option.

JasonStatham · 26-08-2020 08:45AM

If she won't even go walking, there's definitely something up with her.

Get some of her mates to find out what it is, if she's tetchy about talking.

If you can't get to the bottom of it, I'd suggest being with a woman who's got the same outlook.

Munsterman12 · 26-08-2020 08:48AM

You should be lucky. Some men love obese women.

unhappys10 · 26-08-2020 08:48AM

Heath Juicy Jewel wrote: »

It reveals a lot more about you that you’d just prefer to label her something and call her names rather than see if there is a root cause to her weight gain.

Nah it really doesn't.
Also, calling someone lazy is describing their behaviour, not calling them names.

Danni21 · 26-08-2020 08:48AM

OP, i'm sorry to hear you're in this tricky situation. I'm not sure what your relationship is like but as someone who's weight fluctuates from time to time I would much rather my partner, close family member be upfront with me. My relationship with my significant other would be far more important to me than not making changes or going for that walk. I think honesty is the best policy in this situation. You've tried the subtle suggestion of exercise etc. Don't envy your situation but wish you the best of luck.

osarusan · 26-08-2020 08:51AM

OP, she needs it to be a problem for her, not just you, before she will do anything about it.

Right now, does it seem to be a problem for her? I mean, is she talking about how she needs to lose weight or how she hates feeling overweight or whatever, or is she generally not bothered by it.

You also have to ask yourself where this ends up if nothing changes. Is it something you would end a relationship over? There's nothing wrong with having such a position on it.

26-08-2020 08:52AM

Not even walking is a concern, if she keeps on eating like that and not exercising at all she will end up as wide as a ditch. Has she been to the Doctor for advice?

2 fast · 26-08-2020 09:04AM

Danni21 wrote: »

Sometimes people are just lazy and over eat. Not every over weight person has a psychological disorder or issue. Some do. Some actually have physical medical conditions that cause weight gain, some are just lazy. It's really irresponsible to play Dr Internet and presume you have diagnosed the OPs partner.

Totally true. I put up weight out of pure laziness and boredom, I have no psychological issues. Not every person who falls into the obese category has an eating disorder sometimes it is just laziness which becomes a cycle.

OP, you need to have an honest conversation with her but be prepared that she initially she mightnt take it well but with time to think she probably knows these things herself. You can start by saying that health wise she needs to start looking after herself and that ye can do it together.

IAMAMORON · 26-08-2020 09:10AM

You cannot have total control over your partners life and habits. If you are becoming unattracted to her because she is turning into a lazy fatso it makes sense.

Dump her. Can you imagine how things will get after a few nippers arrive? This big fat overweight monster mammying kids you half like and waddling around your house telling you what to do?

It is a tough world but men put up with alot of partner issues. But weight is something she has control over. She obviously was not a barge when you first started riding so she needs to shape up quite literally.

I wouldn't hang around either. Start prepping now and look for a new partner. She might cop it and start losing a few pound in the meantime. The last thing you need is to spend the rest of your life with 2 tonne Tessie, no thanks.

On a final note I am not saying that fat is wrong or anything, sometimes chunky women can be attractive. But it is laziness and women getting fatter after they stop caring is a big no no in my book. It will just get worse and worse. It works both ways, if I was a women and my fella hit the couch fulltime I would be out the door also.

One more thing..... if you do bring it up your dooooooomed. She will either take it on the chin and lose the weight and dump you ( for being insensitive and/or taking control of her life) ..... or..... she will cripple into a deepky insecure crybaby and deflect her entire weight issue onto you, constantly demanding feedback and involving you in her own crap, you won't like that at all, believe.

Segotias · 26-08-2020 09:16AM

Not everything can be blamed on psychological issues. I am obese and extremely aware of it and am making a conscious effort to get it off.

Initially it would have been from being lazy and eating crap, I did manage to lose a lot but put a bit back on during chemo and radiotheraphy, I'm back working on it now as I'm healthy but am being slightly hindered by hormone meds, not an excuse just a slower process.

I think you need to talk to your partner, you mentioned that you're not attracted to her anymore, which is fair enough, each to their own but it might do no harm to express a bit of concern for her health and ask if theres a reason. She might just be comfortable and happier being bigger, if she is thats fine, if you're not attracted to her, thats also fine but its something you should get to the bottom of.

As Munsterman12 mentioned there are plenty of men who prefer obese women, to be honest I personally don't want to be someones fetish, I'd rather someone who was interested in me inspite of whether I was bigger or smaller but can understand if attraction falls away with body changes

redfox123 · 26-08-2020 09:24AM

Calling her lazy is in itself lazy. It’s simply a judgement and does no good. If you say someone is happy or sad, there are always reasons for it, and goes down to their outlook being positive or negative and the habits that arise from that. Same with being lazy.

We are all lazy at some point but it’s the habits we form that dictate our lives and health. It sounds like she is not working and has gotten into unhealthy habits. A pizza here and there is not bad but every day with other unhealthy foods will cause weight gain if she is not exercising. I hate exercise and really have to force myself. I hate exercising in front of people too so I have to do it at home. Ask her her reasons for not liking it.

As a partner you need to focus of helping her with healthy habits. Be positive and look at your lives together as a whole, it’s much easier for someone to become motivated when they’re not in it alone. Do some walks together, cycles, etc try make it enjoyable and fun.

I would try that for a while maybe a month and if she really doesn’t want to join in I would strongly advise you to encourage her to see a doctor as you are worried for her health.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 10:07AM

Hi. Op here again.

She has no cooking skills.
Her idea of haute cuisine is processed crap, nuggets, sausages etc.

I suggested we do couch to 5 k together and raise money for charity and she snapped at me and accused me of all sorts.

My girlfriend is obese and it's becoming a turnoff

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