Friendship

06-06-2020 06:21PM #1

I've been having a think about the people in my life and what constitutes a friend. I am in the camp of quality over quantity and prefer a few close friends to a large group of acquaintances. A lot have gone from my life down through the years and I wonder about that. I don't just mean growing apart but actual stuff happening and one or both of us realising that this isn't a friendship we want.
Someone close to me recently made the good point that not everyone wants or is able for long term attachment. I think I have definitely experienced this dynamic.

For me what makes a friend is a person who is loyal, who is kind, has a sense of humour and can have a laugh, who will listen and is reliable.
That's what I offer so I expect the same back.
Tell me great contributors of AH what do you look for in a friendship? Are you content with a fellow shooter of the breeze or do you want your intellect challenged? A yes man/woman or an honest view?

Do you have any sad or funny friendship stories you'd like to share?

spoonerhead · 06-06-2020 06:29PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Do you have any sad or funny friendship stories you'd like to share?

Ive got a wide group of friends, it has its benefits. I lost contact with the last ‘Best friend’ when I was a teenager.

I completely agree with you about what makes friendship work, except maybe loyalty and reliability. Reason being it’s great to be loyal but friendship isn’t a relationship, you’ll befriend others over time and see less of your normal group. So don’t be too focused on loyalty or you might start seeing bad in situations which aren’t meant to be taken that way. Also I’m extremely reliable, would say that’s a great thing for having more acquaintance. But most take advantage of you then.

06-06-2020 06:29PM

Someone who is sound/get on with and usually similar outlook/hobbies

Wouldnt have,nor really want a huge amount of close friends,

I could go weeks/months without talking to my closest friends,would never ring them,but if met them in the village/called to visit em,could easily pass 2-3 hours catching up,dont really get anything from phonecalls/msging people

Black Sheep · 06-06-2020 06:33PM

Deleted User wrote: »

For me what makes a friend is a person who is loyal, who is kind, has a sense of humour and can have a laugh, who will listen and is reliable.
That's what I offer so I expect the same back.

I think of the list you have there the only ones which cannot be found in an acquaintance (or even in a conversation with a total stranger) are loyalty and reliability.

My view on friendship is that the real thing is something like having a surrogate family member. A person where there are mutual bonds of obligation, voluntarily taken on.

I think you're correct to identify loyalty and reliability as key elements underpinning this, and I am the sort of person who would rather have one boring / dour / slightly obnoxious friend that I can depend on than have ten funny / intelligent ones who are a fair-weather friends.

Basically, it's about trust and backing one another up. The "having fun together" bit is a bonus, if it happens.

There is an exception to the above, which is where I have a friend that I know is going to let me down from time to time, but there is such a weight of shared experiences behind us that it makes up for it. Rare, but it happens.

I guess I don't consider I have that many 'real' friends. I'm still fun at parties though, I swear :pac:

Wibbs · 06-06-2020 06:33PM

I've a few close mates I've known since childhood, so a loooong time. Loyalty would be a major part of it. Reliability another. Sense of humour and similar and complimentary intelligence too. I've never really lost friends as such, though I have found women to be long term unreliable in that capacity. Oft great friends, but far more likely to drift. Also generally more likely to stew over any slight imagined or not, more than men anyway.

06-06-2020 06:34PM

spoonerhead wrote: »

Ive got a wide group of friends, it has its benefits. I lost contact with the last ‘Best friend’ when I was a teenager.

I completely agree with you about what makes friendship work, except maybe loyalty and reliability. Reason being it’s great to be loyal but friendship isn’t a relationship, you’ll befriend others over time and see less of your normal group. So don’t be too focused on loyalty or you might start seeing bad in situations which aren’t meant to be taken that way. Also I’m extremely reliable, would say that’s a great thing for having more acquaintance. But most take advantage of you then.

You make a great point about loyalty and my own expectation of it may be a reason why I am in this pensive mood regarding my friends.
I suppose I see it as sticking by someone and not being shallow, not treating the friendship as a throwaway thing.

06-06-2020 06:37PM

Wibbs wrote: »

I've a few close mates I've known since childhood, so a loooong time. Loyalty would be a major part of it. Reliability another. Sense of humour and similar and complimentary intelligence too. I've never really lost friends as such, though I have found women to be long term unreliable in that capacity. Oft great friends, but far more likely to drift. Also generally more likely to stew over any slight imagined or not, more than men anyway.

My Male friends are so much "easier" than my female ones. They are just there. They don't drift. If they have an issue they say it and that's the end of it. They communicate in a more transparent way.

Wibbs · 06-06-2020 06:49PM

Deleted User wrote: »

My Male friends are so much "easier" than my female ones. They are just there. They don't drift. If they have an issue they say it and that's the end of it. They communicate in a more transparent way.

Actually my women mates down the years were straightforward too. Sometimes more than a few male mates. Though tbh I'd not be around anyone long if they weren't and a couple got dropped early on at the sniff of that nonsense.

It's the major gripe I've always had with romantic relationships. I've yet to not encounter it. Some way worse than others of course. What I have found interesting with women friends is that two in particular who never came out with that crap with me, their friend, were a complete nightmare for it with their actual boyfriends. I came to the broad conclusion that it was a control thing and a way of "testing" the romantic partner, something there was no need to do with me.

There's also a very different dynamic between opposite sex friends and same sex. And I mean actual friends, not one pining for something more type "friends"(usually the man). One woman mate I had who was very sound and supportive and great craic with me, could be a thundering wagon with her women mates(she was also one of the "high maintenance" types with boyfriends).

Trigger Happy · 06-06-2020 07:05PM

My closest friends are the ones I made in school. I tend not to lose touch with close friends but it has happened sometimes. A lot more turnover with less close friends.

What messes with my head is getting friendly with someone who then drops you like a hot potato for little logical reason.

06-06-2020 07:33PM

Trigger Happy wrote: »

My closest friends are the ones I made in school. I tend not to lose touch with close friends but it has happened sometimes. A lot more turnover with less close friends.

What messes with my head is getting friendly with someone who then drops you like a hot potato for little logical reason.

I had a "friend" once who did this but gave a reason. Something weird like "we were never friends now go away". Wut.

ILoveYourVibes · 06-06-2020 07:40PM

I don't over analyze friendship.

06-06-2020 07:44PM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I don't over analyze friendship.

Are your friends important to you? How do you view them in your life?

ILoveYourVibes · 06-06-2020 07:48PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Are your friends important to you? How do you view them in your life?

I don't ask those questions.

I guess since you have asked me though i will analyze it.

I see friends as ways to socialize. And we have diff friends for diff things. I am open to be friends with anyone. I see people as new ways to see the world. I see friends as people i can nurture. I see friends as ways to do new things to learn new things. I see friends as ways to meet new people.

I don't have this set quota of time someone has to be willing to spend with me etc ...or this set criteria. Friendship is natural you don't have to set it up or plan it. People will leave when its right if you don't hold on to them. And if its right they will hold on to you.

A friend is someone you decide both of you would like to go and have adventures go and do things together. You can chat about things ..they give you interesting perspectives.

So i need sporty friends and nerdy friends if someone is both great.

The Crazy Cat Lady · 06-06-2020 07:53PM

I look for someone that's kind, loyal, reliable, funny and honest in a friend

someone that upon knowing your interests, tags you on Facebook/sends a text/email on things you might want to know. An example of this is a friend knowing I like things on sleep and dreams, and sending a message that a programme was on sleep that night (I hadn't a clue it was on)

It's taken me a few years cos of my Asperger's, but I have a few friends

06-06-2020 07:53PM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I don't ask those questions.

You don't ask yourself if you do? Could you live a life without friendship? I'm just being curious is all.

Ah you expanded your post so discount the above

ILoveYourVibes · 06-06-2020 07:56PM

Deleted User wrote: »

You don't ask yourself if you do? Could you live a life without friendship? I'm just being curious is all.

Ah you expanded your post so discount the above

Actually the whole lockdown things etc ...its kind of made me realize i could if i had to ..but no i would not like to and i don't think it would be healthy.

Etc · 06-06-2020 08:19PM

Some years ago my "best friend" was going to be taken into custody for non payment of child maintenance, he needed a substantial amount of money at short notice and I lent it to him, never saw 95% of it again.

Given what he'd done I was naive giving it to him but I thought, because of our long friendship it would be fine.

Long story short, we're not friends anymore !

BrianD3 · 06-06-2020 08:26PM

I don't have any friends now. Got rid of any so called friends that I had in school as soon as the LC was finished. I did make a small number of good friends in college, we had great times and we maintained those friendships for 10-15 years after graduation, sending emails very regularly and meeting up to play golf etc. I was conscious that some drift was occurring. Once they had children, the friendships basically ended within a couple of years, emails got less and less, efforts to maintain all seemed to be on my part and anytime I did get emails the main topic of conversation was their children. We were no longer "on the same wavelength". Maybe when their children are adults (long way to go) we'll start up again but I highly doubt it.

Wibbs · 06-06-2020 08:26PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Are your friends important to you? How do you view them in your life?

Actually thinking more on that: I'm an only child so in many ways I got to choose my brothers and sisters(with a smattering of cousins

). I just happen to call them friends. The saying "blood is thicker than water" today means familial bonds will always be the strongest, but another older interpretation is that the blood of "battle" shared is stronger than the bonds(water) of the womb. I'd go along with that. Certainly among most of my friends we'd be closer than their respective siblings.

Kylta · 06-06-2020 08:42PM

I find I'm very lucky with friends. But has you grow from school/work/relationships/ career changes and the different phases you have in life I seem to have amassed a vast amount of friends. But my closes friends are like family to me. Recently I was unwell and had to take the covid test, (thankfully.it was all clear) being a private person I kept it to myself. I had to inform the job. Within an hour I was only short of hiring a secretary. The fone hopped. I still don't know how it worked but I had friends from work, friends I hadden seen in the last few months, school friends from my teens, ringing me up to see how I was doing, I had a call from germany and another one from spain). I also know I've lost people too as friends, but if you lose them then there not really friends. With close friends you should be able to have arguments and then resolve your differences, because at the end of the day friends actually do look out for each other

sullivlo · 06-06-2020 08:50PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I've been having a think about the people in my life and what constitutes a friend. I am in the camp of quality over quantity and prefer a few close friends to a large group of acquaintances. A lot have gone from my life down through the years and I wonder about that. I don't just mean growing apart but actual stuff happening and one or both of us realising that this isn't a friendship we want.
Someone close to me recently made the good point that not everyone wants or is able for long term attachment. I think I have definitely experienced this dynamic.

For me what makes a friend is a person who is loyal, who is kind, has a sense of humour and can have a laugh, who will listen and is reliable.
That's what I offer so I expect the same back.
Tell me great contributors of AH what do you look for in a friendship? Are you content with a fellow shooter of the breeze or do you want your intellect challenged? A yes man/woman or an honest view?

Do you have any sad or funny friendship stories you'd like to share?

I think I am a quality over quantity kinda person. I'm not in any mad WhatsApp groups with "the girls" and I don't have a regular Saturday night session with people, but I do have friends.

Many of my friends don't know each other. Some have never met. I am probably a different version of myself around different people, in terms of what I am comfortable of sharing with them or whatever, but generally I offer the same to all. I am loyal, trustworthy, generous with my time, I will listen, I am helpful, I can try problem solve with you... I can be funny, but also serious. I can be decent in a crisis.

In terms of "longevity"... I have one friend since I was a baby. There's a photo of the two of us at my first birthday party. We have drifted apart - this time it might be irreconcilable. She has met somebody new and no longer appears to have time for me. Unless of course she needs something

I have a friend I was in playschool with.
I have a few friendly acquaintances from primary school. Not so many from secondary school. One or two from college...

I can probably count genuine friends on one hand. But I am happy with that. I'd rather have few decent friends than many half arsed friends.

06-06-2020 09:04PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I could go weeks/months without talking to my closest friends,would never ring them,but if met them in the village/called to visit em,could easily pass 2-3 hours catching up,dont really get anything from phonecalls/msging people

Not the same but your post reminded me of something similar that used to drive me mad with some friends in university years ago, I didn't get how they could be so friendly when you'd meet them but they'd make no more than the minimum of effort to actually be friends, the kind who'd never contact you unsolicited..

I still don't get it but I at least recognise it now and don't put any effort into those people from the beginning now, the thing is of course that it's grand when you live nearby and bump into each other every now and again but once you move away or live in a big city or whatever it doesn't work anymore and you lose touch with them very quickly once you get sick of being the one to always have to text first

06-06-2020 09:22PM

riffmongous wrote: »

Not the same but your post reminded me of something similar that used to drive me mad with some friends in university years ago, I didn't get how they could be so friendly when you'd meet them but they'd make no more than the minimum of effort to actually be friends, the kind who'd never contact you unsolicited..

I still don't get it but I at least recognise it now and don't put any effort into those people from the beginning now, the thing is of course that it's grand when you live nearby and bump into each other every now and again but once you move away or live in a big city or whatever it doesn't work anymore and you lose touch with them very quickly once you get sick of being the one to always have to text first

I could hide behind excuse of self confidence as it would be easy answer and i wouldnt be overloaded in that department anyway

But its just kinda more that my conversations just go better in person,like any msging/social media/phonecalls etc just appears disjointed/forced,while in person with people i click with,it just flows better

Like,between one thing or another,one of my best mates,only spoke maybe half dozen times over 4-5 years,no falling out etc,just way it is....while both of us,moved back and lived locally,and could meet up chat away for hours...no awkwardness

Hes living up country now,and if asked for a hand in morning,id have no hassle going up.and giving him a hand,(same with any mates),but if i fell out/got enough of someone,i wouldnt cross road to help em

(Sorry for long winded attempt at explaination!!!)

Edit:i do agree with your point in relation to putting in all effort,i got sick of that previously too with a larger group of friends,and realised it was all take,take,take.....so just stopped and would struggle to make conversation with em if met up nowadays

glenfieldman · 06-06-2020 11:46PM

Great thread,
I can empathise with a lot of those storys

Fourier · 07-06-2020 01:39AM

I'd have different friends in different social circles, basically people I know through different interests. Like ILoveYourVibes, different friends for different things.

That said despite how I might like to hang out with my friends more, I don't have as deep a bond with them as I do with my siblings.

Vestiapx · 07-06-2020 01:49AM

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually thinking more on that: I'm an only child so in many ways I got to choose my brothers and sisters(with a smattering of cousins ). I just happen to call them friends. The saying "blood is thicker than water" today means familial bonds will always be the strongest, but another older interpretation is that the blood of "battle" shared is stronger than the bonds(water) of the womb. I'd go along with that. Certainly among most of my friends we'd be closer than their respective siblings.

Seems a bit revisionist and a quick Google seems to have multiple versions and ideas about it , I like the sentiment I've always felt true friends were the family you picked for yourself.

07-06-2020 12:32PM

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually thinking more on that: I'm an only child so in many ways I got to choose my brothers and sisters(with a smattering of cousins ). I just happen to call them friends. The saying "blood is thicker than water" today means familial bonds will always be the strongest, but another older interpretation is that the blood of "battle" shared is stronger than the bonds(water) of the womb. I'd go along with that. Certainly among most of my friends we'd be closer than their respective siblings.

I'm an only child too so can relate to this. The friends I have are very important to me. They are like family. I think that might be partly to do with my tendency to hold on even when it may not be good for me. The stakes are higher when you care deeply.

gifted · 07-06-2020 12:50PM

I had two very close friends in secondary school....we were always together....left school but still remained close...out every weekend and the like.....then they met a couple of women and suddenly they started going out as two couples and I was pushed out....that affected me very badly . ..to go from very close friends to nothing after a lot of years......to the extent that I don't get close to anyone ....48 years of age and my best friend is probably herself and my friend that I know the longest lives in the arsehole of kerry.....I can count on him and vice versa......so that's it 2 people.
Sad really.

07-06-2020 12:59PM

gifted wrote: »

I had two very close friends in secondary school....we were always together....left school but still remained close...out every weekend and the like.....then they met a couple of women and suddenly they started going out as two couples and I was pushed out....that affected me very badly . ..to go from very close friends to nothing after a lot of years......to the extent that I don't get close to anyone ....48 years of age and my best friend is probably herself and my friend that I know the longest lives in the arsehole of kerry.....I can count on him and vice versa......so that's it 2 people.
Sad really.

I don't think it's sad that you haven't more than two people in your life who you can count on gifted. I do think it's sad that your earlier experience caused you to put the shutters up, understandable of course.

Friendships are different to intimate relationships but at the core they are both relationships. After having a heart broken too many times we can close ourselves off to love. Friendships can be like that too.

What you describe is loss. The pain of losing people who you valued and that hurts and is sad.

wyrn · 07-06-2020 01:01PM

In recent months I have come to realise that a lot of people that I would have classed as friends are actually more like acquaintances. I tend to know and get on with a lot of people but it's all surface level. I've never made it into any WhatsApp groups or get invited to virtual parties. Last year I had a bit of an epiphany about this and looked through my phone to see when was the last time any one (outside of work / family) called me just for the chats. It's been a very very very long time.

A friend's wedding a couple of years back also made me realise that the people I thought I was friends with didn't share the same views on our friendship - I had no +1 on my invite (which was fine) but I was put at the older people table and not with the friends that we all did a hobby. Same happened at a previous wedding. So I pulled back a bit, I stop initiating calls / texts and it all dried up. Now I'm just lonely.

07-06-2020 01:02PM

I’ve the Mrs and happy enough with that.

Friendship

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