Need some advice on my son

J Mysterio · 28-05-2020 6:08pm

My view:

You want your child to have your experience. What worked for you may not work for him. Times have changed, as they say.

Were I your kid, I would be outraged also that you agreed work for me, without any input. Is that treating him like an adult, or punishing him?

You didn't like the reaction from him, and now you have further punished him by taking his X Box and his phone. The X Box is one thing, but to take his phone is bordering on the inexcusable.

We are living in unprecedented times. Everyone is shook. Your son will have been using his phone to communicate with his friends, who he has been isolated from. He is already isolated and now you have further isolated him and now you are 'not speaking to him'. That borders on inhumane. This is a traumatic time for everyone, but you are compounding it.

At this time, we all need a little leeway and some understanding. You need to give him his possesions back and cut him some slack. His whole world has been taken from under him.

If he doesnt want to do the job, don't force it on him. He already understands how important this is to you, so the seed is planted, but give him a chance to absorb this without constantly cracking the whip. Give him a break.

KiKi III · 28-05-2020 6:19pm

Massive contradiction really to think he’s old enough to go out to work but not old enough to make his own decision on the matter.

challengemaster · 28-05-2020 6:33pm

c.p.w.g.w wrote: »

Fair play to you...but if the OP's kid can't be without his Xbox for 16 hours a week to work and learn life skills, that's a little worrying

I'm not sure I'd call anyone wanting to enjoy their childhood while they can "worrying". He's got his entire adult life to work and learn life skills, but relatively very little time where he will have zero obligations, responsibilities or bills.

There's been nothing said to indicate the kid can't be without anything for 16 hours - he doesn't want to. If you asked me at 14 I'd have said the same.

Lefty Bicek · 28-05-2020 6:42pm

KiKi III wrote: »

Respect for the young fella would be letting him make his own decisions.

Respect for him, considering you don't know him, would be not treating him like some little fragile doll who's going to be emotionally scarred for life over some association between Covid 19 and Xbox deprivation.

Or whatever inane analysis prompted you to say -

In 20 years time when COVID 19 comes up in conversation, is this what you want him to remember?

GarIT · 28-05-2020 6:49pm

challengemaster wrote: »

I'm not sure I'd call anyone wanting to enjoy their childhood while they can "worrying". He's got his entire adult life to work and learn life skills, but relatively very little time where he will have zero obligations, responsibilities or bills.

There's been nothing said to indicate the kid can't be without anything for 16 hours - he doesn't want to. If you asked me at 14 I'd have said the same.

I'd kill for another summer as a teen. I've even considered going into teaching for it.

Lefty Bicek · 28-05-2020 6:49pm

GarIT wrote: »

The majority of people my age I know didn't start working until after college.

Mollycoddled.

GarIT · 28-05-2020 6:50pm

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

Mollycoddled.

Didn't seem to do them any harm, and they got years of extra enjoyment. You don't rememeber the days you worked or the few quid in the long run but you will remember quality time spent.

beauf · 28-05-2020 6:57pm

The vitriol in this thread is not encouraging.

28-05-2020 6:57pm

Stepping Stone wrote: »

OP, I looked at your posting history and I was very struck by one three years ago that you wrote about having anxiety and just not progressing at work for 20yrs.

Surely as someone who suffers from anxiety you should know that someone else taking complete control of your life is a really, really bad thing. Taking away your only connections to the outside world, especially during a time when everything has changed and you’re isolated is a really bad move. It seems that you working at 14 didn’t have a positive impact on your life.

You apparently suffer from anxiety and didn’t progress in your career. Think that it might be because you have poor communication, comprehension and social skills? He’s doing well at school and sport. He’s clearly not lazy. There’s something very wrong about the whole situation and that’s you and your approach.

If you bully him into doing what you want, not what he wants, he’ll learn that that’s the best way to behave towards family. Hopefully you never have to rely on him to have your best interests at heart after this.

I have been reading this thread since the beginning. I have to say I am sickened at posts like the above . What OP wrote 3 years ago has nothing to do with his problem today with his son and NONE of us have the right to make a judgement on this. I would strongly advise OP to just come off this thread now.

I completely agreed with the OP's long post earlier today explaining that he had today at lunchtime spoken to his son to say how proud he was of him!! OP was open to resolution of this issue with his son.
NONE of us know of the relationship between this father and his son. NONE of us are qualified to make these nasty criticisms. "Let him without sin cast the first stone"
Each child is different, each parent is different, none of us parent the same way.

I parented my 2 girls alone after the death of a child and marriage break up. To say the youngest was a nightmare at 14 was an understatement. Trouble with underage drinking, mad parties, boys, police at the door! I wouldn't say my parenting skills were as great as I was dealing with depression alone. But I was doing my best!! And we got through it, both of them turning into wonderful adults and we talk every day. Today that 14 year old brat is a manager in Micosoft in London. What I'm saying is that these things that seem so huge now are not life altering events, and if they are they are probably life altering in a good way!

Going to work now won't kill OP's child. He might actually like it. OP will look back and wondered what he worried about. In a few years OP and his son won't even remember this time, life will throw far more at us than whether we got a job at 14 with our godfather or not.

I myself worked at 13 picking fruit until 15 and from then every Summer in my father's business. I learnt invaluable lessons about responsibility, punctuality, socialising and best of all I LOVED earning my own money. Yes life has changed since then but the principles are still the same!

Do what you think best yourself OP. Nobody knows your child like you do. Talk to him, keep communication going, say sorry to him if you have to about the way you dealt with this, go for a drive with him over the weekend. You will be grand and so will your son. Stop listening to advice from random strangers on the Internet who know nothing at all about you or your son and who "get off" on preaching how bloody great they are.
I've been on Boards.ie for 10 years and I've never felt as shocked as I did reading some of those nasty posts here today.

Good luck and enjoy the Summer.

beauf · 28-05-2020 7:09pm

Some people (and kids are people) respond to the carrot, others the stick (figuratively) and others to neither.

Sometimes with teenagers need to take a step back and see what works. Sometimes that's treating them as an adult or a child or a teenager.

There is good advice on this thread. Some terrible.

Lundstram · 28-05-2020 7:10pm

There's a chap who started in my workplace a few weeks ago. He's only 15. He was very shy at first but it's amazing how he's progressed in a few weeks, you can't shut him up now. He's all the time asking questions about how things work etc, which is a great way to learn. He works 3 days a week for 8 hours a day for €7.50 an hour.

Keep pushing him OP, he might even turn out to like it. Even the social aspect is very important for the head.

tayto lover · 28-05-2020 7:49pm

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Just because he's unwilling to do this at 14 doesn't mean he's work shy. He's young. Give him a chance.

The child needs a hug and an explanation from his father before anything else.

Lefty Bicek · 28-05-2020 10:02pm

[QUOTE=GarIT;113577614]Didn't seem to do them any harm, and they got years of extra enjoyment. You don't rememeber the days you worked or the few quid in the long run but you will remember quality time spent.[/QUOTE]

Wrong, on various counts.

Still waters · 28-05-2020 10:09pm

We're making friends out of our children instead of being parents to them, tell him he has to go to work or go without his phone or xbox, 2 days a week won't kill him

Truthvader · 28-05-2020 11:23pm

Agree 100% with sweetmaggie. The xbox is a useless waste of his time. Think you are doing everything right. Job would be great for him. Moreover trust yourself and trust your own judgment. If you love your kids you will manageThere is no perfect. And dont ask mad people for advice

Wanderer19 · 29-05-2020 1:43am

challengemaster wrote: »

What the fúck does that have to do with anything? Who's to say anyone hired for any job can actually do it, or will be punctual or respectful? They're still entitled to the minimum wage - that's the law. It's not conditional.

If you can't hold a civil conversation you've already lost the debate ...

Mark Hamill · 30-05-2020 8:42am

Deleted User wrote: »

I have been reading this thread since the beginning. I have to say I am sickened at posts like the above . What OP wrote 3 years ago has nothing to do with his problem today with his son and NONE of us have the right to make a judgement on this. I would strongly advise OP to just come off this thread now.

I completely agreed with the OP's long post earlier today explaining that he had today at lunchtime spoken to his son to say how proud he was of him!! OP was open to resolution of this issue with his son.
NONE of us know of the relationship between this father and his son. NONE of us are qualified to make these nasty criticisms. "Let him without sin cast the first stone"
Each child is different, each parent is different, none of us parent the same way.

OP created this thread specifically looking for judgement. Judgement was made, and advice given, based on the fairly scant details given, so a poster looked through the OPs other posts to see if a more complete idea of the OPs mindset could be determined and if that might influence the advice given.
Expecting everyone to just agree with them is as patronising to us as the OP was to his kid.

Deleted User wrote: »

Going to work now won't kill OP's child. He might actually like it. OP will look back and wondered what he worried about. In a few years OP and his son won't even remember this time, life will throw far more at us than whether we got a job at 14 with our godfather or not.

I myself worked at 13 picking fruit until 15 and from then every Summer in my father's business. I learnt invaluable lessons about responsibility, punctuality, socialising and best of all I LOVED earning my own money. Yes life has changed since then but the principles are still the same!

I find it hilarious the amount of posters here who completely support the idea of the kid working as it will give them life lessons, maturity and responsibility and yet are shocked, shocked I tell you, at the idea that maybe the parent needs to learn a life lesson in this case.

Deleted User wrote: »

Stop listening to advice from random strangers on the Internet who know nothing at all about you or your son and who "get off" on preaching how bloody great they are.

This doesn't equally apply to you how?

Mark Hamill · 30-05-2020 8:50am

Truthvader wrote: »

The xbox is a useless waste of his time.

Why?

Truthvader wrote: »

Think you are doing everything right. Job would be great for him. Moreover trust yourself and trust your own judgment. If you love your kids you will manage There is no perfect.

Perfect might not be possible, but that doesn't mean there is no room for improvement. I don't get the people who talk about loving their kids and doing what is best for them but who cannot comprehend what is best for their kids might be something that is better than what they had to go through.

Truthvader wrote: »

And dont ask mad people for advice

Let me guess, mad people = everyone who doesn't agree with you?

Mark Hamill · 30-05-2020 8:51am

Wanderer19 wrote: »

If you can't hold a civil conversation you've already lost the debate ...

If you don't discuss his actual points then you aren't even part of the debate.

Liamo57 · 30-05-2020 8:53am

Keep the phone and xbox away from him until he takes up the job I started working at 12 in a cloyhes shop, mens and womens and was measuring womens waists to sell them knickers, all big fat farmers wives. A good work ethic is important going through life. A lot of the present young people are soft and spoilt which makes life very hard for them as they get older. A good kick in the hole mightn't go astray either.

kildare lad · 30-05-2020 9:02am

There's nothing wrong with sending a 14 year old to do a bit of work , I was doing it myself at that age, it creates good work ethic and it'll teach him if he wants anything he's to work for it. I've a young lad whos 12 although he's to young to work I make him to stuff around the house. All mine dad's and mum's families were out working at really young ages and it never did them any harm

atilladehun · 30-05-2020 9:05am

OP, I think your instinct was correct. It's a perfect age to get a little job. The one you've picked out sounds spot on. I'd keep insisting. It doesn't have to be an argument but I'd be firm. Fair play to you.

patspost · 30-05-2020 9:08am

You may have both backed yourself into corners. How about a compromise, maybe suggested by the kids mother, of him working 1 day a week.

beauf · 30-05-2020 9:15am

Mark Hamill wrote: »

OP created this thread specifically looking for judgement. Judgement was made, and advice given, based on the fairly scant details given, so a poster looked through the OPs other posts to see if a more complete idea of the OPs mindset could be determined and if that might influence the advice given.
Expecting everyone to just agree with them is as patronising to us as the OP was to his kid.

I find it hilarious the amount of posters here who completely support the idea of the kid working as it will give them life lessons, maturity and responsibility and yet are shocked, shocked I tell you, at the idea that maybe the parent needs to learn a life lesson in this case.

This doesn't equally apply to you how?

Most have given the same advice about the kid and the parent regardless if they believe in kids having a summer job or not. So that's a strawman.

All but one did that without having to drag up old posts and make personal comments. So it's completely unnecessary. As is attacking each other.

GarIT · 30-05-2020 9:55am

kildare lad wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with sending a 14 year old to do a bit of work , I was doing it myself at that age, it creates good work ethic and it'll teach him if he wants anything he's to work for it. I've a young lad whos 12 although he's to young to work I make him to stuff around the house. All mine dad's and mum's families were out working at really young ages and it never did them any harm

Sending a 14 year old out to work then isn't the same as sending a 14 year old out to work now.

And there are numerous studies proving that yes it did do harm. You would have gotten better grades and done better in your future career if you hadn't been working at 14.

Treppen · 30-05-2020 9:57am

Mark Hamill wrote: »

OP created this thread specifically looking for judgement. Judgement was made, and advice given, based on the fairly scant details given, so a poster looked through the OPs other posts to see if a more complete idea of the OPs mindset could be determined and if that might influence the advice given.
Expecting everyone to just agree with them is as patronising to us as the OP was to his kid.

I find it hilarious the amount of posters here who completely support the idea of the kid working as it will give them life lessons, maturity and responsibility and yet are shocked, shocked I tell you, at the idea that maybe the parent needs to learn a life lesson in this case.

This doesn't equally apply to you how?

Bringing stuff across from other threads is a dick move.

Each post on its own merits.

beauf · 30-05-2020 10:09am

GarIT wrote: »

Sending a 14 year old out to work then isn't the same as sending a 14 year old out to work now.

And there are numerous studies proving that yes it did do harm. You would have gotten better grades and done better in your future career if you hadn't been working at 14.

Numerous studies say the opposite too.

GarIT · 30-05-2020 12:05pm

beauf wrote: »

Numerous studies say the opposite too.

I haven't researched it heavily, but I haven't come across any that come to that conclusion exactly. The balance is heavily in favour of not working until eduction is finished. Except for summer internships in valuable indiustries.

beauf · 30-05-2020 12:53pm

Didn't look very hard, I've spent zero time researching it. Just curious based on your comments and found it lots saying the exact opposite. That you didn't find ANY and I found it immediately with zero effort, suggests you were only searching for terms matching the basis you are looking for. These are not small studies either.

..Researchers used data from the Statistics Canada Youth in Transition Survey. This represented 246,661 15-year-old Canadian teenagers, looking at their work history over a 10-year period beginning at age 15 and ending at 25 in 2009.

"Adolescent labour has been stigmatized as exploitative with many parents opting to put their kids in summer camp rather than summer jobs," says Seidel. "However, our research shows that working can offer educational and developmental opportunities that prepare adolescents for the real world."...

I'm not saying one way is right and one way is wrong. It depends entirely on the individual and their circumstance. But logically it makes no sense that experience, after you leave school, suddenly is positive experience and but prior to that, at its a negative. Its not like all kids or adults mature the same either.

beauf · 30-05-2020 1:02pm

Its a bit like sports. Some parents are very negative about group sports, due to their own poor experience of it as a child or no personal interest in it. Obviously it doesn't suit everyone no one says its should.

Need some advice on my son

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