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Completely Put Off Having Children

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  • 26-05-2020 9:58pm
    #1
    s1ippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭


    I feel like this thread is probably going to be closed quite quickly but it's worth a shot to get some insight. It's not suited to the parenting forum but it is certainly inspired by the pregnancy one, where I know it would not be allowed. I hope it's allowed to be discussed as it's something which has been weighing heavily on me for years.

    For a very long time now my partner and I have been seriously considering whether or not we will have children. We are erring on the side of not, because we feel that society is absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it. We have a few fertile years left and would be extremely amenable to fostering down the line so will continue to mull it over, at least until we purchase a house.

    - To people who are sure they aren't having children, what are your reasons?

    - To people who want children, I'd love to know your secret... what is the light at the end of tunnel that you see for the next generation?

    - To people who already have children, was it everything you were expecting or were there a lot of surprises?

    It's a fraught issue and I don't want to offend anyone but I just got off the phone with a good friend who was telling me about her postnatal depression and far from being irrational it sounded like she had a huge amount of very well-founded regrets that all suffocated her after she had already gone the entire way to bringing a new life into the world. She's managing well at the moment but she'll never be the same after it.

    On the bright side, I know at least two children alive now who seem to be doing mostly ok.


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    #2
    pawdee
    Registered Users Posts: 549 ✭✭✭pawdee


    This be the verse.


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    #3
    Gonad
    Registered Users Posts: 654 ✭✭✭Gonad


    As Tom Green recently said

    Wait until you are 50 to have kids so you will be dead by the time they are unemployed adults . You will know them when they are cute and die before they become assholes lol.


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    #4
    antgal23
    Registered Users Posts: 497 ✭✭antgal23


    s1ippy wrote: »
    I feel like this thread is probably going to be closed quite quickly but it's worth a shot to get some insight. It's not suited to the parenting forum but it is certainly inspired by the pregnancy one, where I know it would not be allowed. I hope it's allowed to be discussed as it's something which has been weighing heavily on me for years.

    For a very long time now my partner and I have been seriously considering whether or not we will have children. We are erring on the side of not, because we feel that society is absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it. We have a few fertile years left and would be extremely amenable to fostering down the line so will continue to mull it over, at least until we purchase a house.

    - To people who are sure they aren't having children, what are your reasons?

    - To people who want children, I'd love to know your secret... what is the light at the end of tunnel that you see for the next generation?

    - To people who already have children, was it everything you were expecting or were there a lot of surprises?

    It's a fraught issue and I don't want to offend anyone but I just got off the phone with a good friend who was telling me about her postnatal depression and far from being irrational it sounded like she had a huge amount of very well-founded regrets that all suffocated her after she had already gone the entire way to bringing a new life into the world. She's managing well at the moment but she'll never be the same after it.

    On the bright side, I know at least two children alive now who seem to be doing mostly ok.

    "absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it. "

    I think with this mindset you have pre - natal depression, best buy a hamster


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    #5
    Upforthematch
    Registered Users Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Upforthematch


    Lots of covid babies being conceived at the moment so they say.

    Not feeling broody op?


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    #6
    Feets
    Registered Users Posts: 270 ✭✭Feets


    I think its great that you ask yourselves that question, some people don't.
    The urge for me was strong, but not to have more than two as I do not have the patience for three and still can manage a social life for myself. My life was great before, its great after, better, but I am married to someone who wanted kids and is good with them. That is my angle on it.
    Some people find out the hard way they aren't good at parenting and outsource as many of the parenting jobs they can, it makes me wonder, why did they have kids.
    I hear you re society not being great. Its not. I am slightly worried myself lately too. But its our job to raise kids to make smart choices and I hope it works out.
    Best of luck at your decision, when you know, you know.


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    #7
    mr_edge_to_you
    Registered Users Posts: 3,024 ✭✭✭mr_edge_to_you


    It's so hard to describe it. My kids are 8 and 5. Kids are flipping hard work, minding them becomes the most important thing in your life. They'll drive you to despair and cost you a fortune. They row with each other numerous times a day. I come home from work and my wife needs to go for a walk to clear her head.

    At the same time, they're amazing little people. Watching their personalities develop. My daughter is super intelligent and looks like she has a talent for arts and crafts. My son is the funniest little man and kind. He's the best craic! We brought them to Disneyland Paris last year and it was the greatest feeling. My wife and I were blessed with our upbringings and all we want is to at least match the childhoods we had.

    In saying all that, we do look forward to a weekend away without the kids every couple of months.


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    #8
    AlphabetCards
    Registered Users Posts: 410 ✭✭AlphabetCards


    pawdee wrote: »
    This be the verse.

    He wasn't wrong.


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    #9
    Blaze420
    Closed Accounts Posts: 904 ✭✭✭Blaze420


    s1ippy wrote: »
    I feel like this thread is probably going to be closed quite quickly but it's worth a shot to get some insight. It's not suited to the parenting forum but it is certainly inspired by the pregnancy one, where I know it would not be allowed. I hope it's allowed to be discussed as it's something which has been weighing heavily on me for years.

    For a very long time now my partner and I have been seriously considering whether or not we will have children. We are erring on the side of not, because we feel that society is absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it. We have a few fertile years left and would be extremely amenable to fostering down the line so will continue to mull it over, at least until we purchase a house.

    - To people who are sure they aren't having children, what are your reasons?

    - To people who want children, I'd love to know your secret... what is the light at the end of tunnel that you see for the next generation?

    - To people who already have children, was it everything you were expecting or were there a lot of surprises?

    It's a fraught issue and I don't want to offend anyone but I just got off the phone with a good friend who was telling me about her postnatal depression and far from being irrational it sounded like she had a huge amount of very well-founded regrets that all suffocated her after she had already gone the entire way to bringing a new life into the world. She's managing well at the moment but she'll never be the same after it.

    On the bright side, I know at least two children alive now who seem to be doing mostly ok.

    Society or the future never came in to it for us - the mrs wanted a kid or kids since the early days of our relationship but I didn’t really care for it, she also has PCOS (basically a brick wall to any thoughts of that). We tried for 7 years and just earlier this year began discussing whether fostering or adoption would fill the gap for us - and just as the universe always does, found out she is pregnant only a week or 2 after that discussion and baby is now due November :)

    From my side (male), I never had a baby shaped hole in my life or my future - it was simply something that didn’t register anywhere in my plans or my dreams for what the future would be like at any stage of my life. Now that we are due one, I still don’t know what the future holds but it’s a rollercoaster some days of white fear (what the **** are we getting in to? - how am I supposed to “dad”?) and others of pure joy that a new addition to both our bloodlines will be with us in a few months. I also looked deep in myself and realised and that one of the core fears I’ve had for a while without realising was seeing my parents pass away without them ever knowing or seeing a grandchild (I think that’s from stories my mam used to tell me that choked her up when her own Mam died only weeks before my birth).

    I don’t know what I’m trying to say to be honest but I wouldn’t call a dead end stop to it at any point - if even one of you have the desire to have one then go for it and don’t stop until all the options are exhausted. Life is too short to put definite answers on anything I think.


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    #10
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    My kids are my inspiration, I know that sounds trite but it's true. My motivation was having a crap childhood, I wanted a family of my own, a do-over. Maybe I wouldn't have felt the same need if I came from a normal family. It's been everything I wanted and more, the best part is my relationship with my adult child. It's just the best part of being a parent. It's tough and not for everyone and that's okay.


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    #11
    Better Than Christ
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭Better Than Christ


    pawdee wrote: »
    This be the verse.

    They bring you up, your mum and dad...


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    #12
    El Gato De Negocios
    Registered Users Posts: 6,666 ✭✭✭El Gato De Negocios


    I have two (3 and 22 months) and its everything and more that I imagined. Yes its stressful, particularly when they are very small and wont stop crying. Yes, they wake up at 6 every morning and my free time is very limited and social life has taken a backseat, even before C19. Yes they are messy, expensive, annoying and obstreperous by times.

    But they are so full of love and wonder that any minor annoyance is forgotten when they give me a hug and a kiss, when they tell me they love me, when they start randomly quoting lines from the gruffalo or peter rabbit, when they crawl into bed beside me for a snuggle, when they ask to hear a song they like, when they dance like monkeys while listening to music from the jungle book.

    They have made life better in every way that actually matters and I'm trying to treasure the extra time we have together while they are not in creche.


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    #13
    SEPT 23 1989
    Registered Users Posts: 43,024 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    Do young couples now sit down and "decide" to have their first baby

    I know we didn't


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    #14
    rob316
    Registered Users Posts: 17,970 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    Kids are amazing but hard work. You feel like the luckiest person in the world, the only one doing this role but its the most natural thing in life. I'd find life very empty without my kid and look forward to having another.


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    #15
    Blaze420
    Closed Accounts Posts: 904 ✭✭✭Blaze420


    SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »
    Do young couples now sit down and "decide" to have their first baby

    I know we didn't

    Well yeah, it’s a logical thing to do. Can we support it? Is the house we are renting/living in suitable for a child? How will we afford x and y? Might sound cold but a child is a lifelong undertaking, it’s not something that should be left to random chance or an “oops I’m pregnant” moment I think.


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    #16
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »
    Do young couples now sit down and "decide" to have their first baby

    I know we didn't

    It's a pity more people don't put thought into having children


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    #17
    rob316
    Registered Users Posts: 17,970 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    To be honest I'd rather regret having a kid than regret not having one. My uncle is 60 he never found a partner, always wanted kids and he always says it the big hole in his life.
    Your children are your legacy, if all goes to plan its what you leave behind.


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    #18
    Metroid diorteM
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Metroid diorteM


    Do you have support beyond your partner? Friendly neighbours, family who visit regularly and would help with babysitting?

    Do you live in an area that is not too densely populated but not too sparsely populated? Do you have space in your home for a teenager who needs a desk for homework?

    How flexible is your job when you've had months of sleep deprivation (test yourself by cutting your sleep in half for a week)?

    Are you fit and healthy? Are your parents infirm? Do you have savings? How are your cooking skills? Do you ever have friction about chores with your partner?

    Can you watch baby shark on youtube 7000 times without losing your sanity?

    Having a child ends up as an act of giving. You give up yourself. Dont have kids for yourself. They are your gift to the world and they are expensive.

    It's worth it, but it's hard as nails.


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    #19
    Geuze
    Registered Users Posts: 13,093 ✭✭✭✭Geuze


    s1ippy wrote: »
    because we feel that society is absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it.

    - To people who already have children, was it everything you were expecting or were there a lot of surprises?

    Your first statement is false, society is not absolute squalor.


    Having children brings unending joy into my life.

    It's the most valuable action I've ever taken.

    No big surprises, no, just the usual worries.

    They are mighty craic.


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    #20
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,019 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I always find it funny when people get sentimental about having a 'baby'.
    The baby, cute stage lasts less than a year!

    To thine own self be true



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    #21
    Blaze420
    Closed Accounts Posts: 904 ✭✭✭Blaze420


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I always find it funny when people get sentimental about having a 'baby'.
    The baby, cute stage lasts less than a year!

    It’s still your blood and a living continuation of you that will be here after you are gone. If you just want something for the “cute”, get a puppy.


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    #22
    Mr_Muffin
    Registered Users Posts: 917 ✭✭✭Mr_Muffin


    In what way do you think society is absolute squalor?


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    #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I always find it funny when people get sentimental about having a 'baby'.
    The baby, cute stage lasts less than a year!

    If people thought about having teenagers, humanity would be history pdq!

    New parent here, best thing that's ever happened us (so far) and has brought us closer (so far), no regrets here (so far).

    If you have doubts, don't do it. No baby should be born to people who weren't sure it was wanted - though in most cases it works out anyway.


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    #24
    rob316
    Registered Users Posts: 17,970 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I always find it funny when people get sentimental about having a 'baby'.
    The baby, cute stage lasts less than a year!

    That wasn't even my favourite stage, my lad is 10 now and this is probably the most enjoyable age.


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    #25
    SEPT 23 1989
    Registered Users Posts: 43,024 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    For me when I witnessed my daughter coming into the world I knew what we were put on this earth for in that moment

    Money planning etc is meaningless


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    #26
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Candie wrote: »
    If people thought about having teenagers, humanity would be history pdq!

    New parent here, best thing that's ever happened us (so far) and has brought us closer (so far), no regrets here (so far).

    If you have doubts, don't do it. No baby should be born to people who weren't sure it was wanted - though in most cases it works out anyway.

    Congratulations!!!! So so happy for you Candie.


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    #27
    0lddog
    Registered Users Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭0lddog


    rob316 wrote: »
    That wasn't even my favourite stage, my lad is 10 now and this is probably the most enjoyable age.


    Its fine untill they get bicycles.

    Then they start posting on the cycling forum










    :P


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    #28
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,788 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    rob316 wrote: »
    Kids are amazing but hard work. You feel like the luckiest person in the world, the only one doing this role but its the most natural thing in life. I'd find life very empty without my kid and look forward to having another.

    Was your life empty before your kid? Personally I think true happiness can only come from within.


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    #29
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Congratulations!!!! So so happy for you Candie.

    Thanks, he's a couple of months old now so I'll get to tell him how he heralded the start of a pandemic! :)


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    #30
    sunshinew
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭sunshinew


    SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »
    For me when I witnessed my daughter coming into the world I knew what we were put on this earth for in that moment

    Money planning etc is meaningless

    When you say "we", are you referring to you and your partner? Or all of humanity?


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    #31
    rob316
    Registered Users Posts: 17,970 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    Was your life empty before your kid? Personally I think true happiness can only come from within.

    As a child is a part of you, that statement doesn't ring true.


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