Relationship decision

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:07AM #1

Hi just looking for some advice or opinions on a man I met online have been chating a few weeks now and all has been great we seem to have alot in common and talk for hours on a daily basis....I knew he had had past relationships breakup like we all have and that he sees his kids this week i decided to google his name no particular reason and was shocked to see he has been to jail for assaulting his previous girlfriend and spent 10 months in prison I asked him and he was upfront and told me he was waiting to meet to tell me we were ment to meet last week but he got scared and stood me up and he pleaded me to forgive him he said the assault thing was blown up by the paper and that his ex and him are friends still I'm sceptical now about meeting him can people really change he says he is a very different person then he was then just not sure what to do

torres9kop · 26-05-2020 12:09AM

He sounds lovely. Go for it

Purple Mountain · 26-05-2020 12:10AM

What would you tell your best friend if she told you this situation word for word as you have written.
Be honest with your answer.

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:12AM

I'd probably say proceed with caution....and any sign of something off then walk

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:14AM

Do people not make huge mistakes and learn from them? I'd like to think some maybe do

KaneToad · 26-05-2020 12:14AM

If he says the assault was "blown up by the paper", he's trying to minimise his actions. You don't go to prison for 10 months for a minor assault.

If he owned up fully and accepted responsibility for previous actions then it might be worthwhile giving him a chance.

He hasn't. Run a mile.

Tork · 26-05-2020 12:15AM

He didn't get jailed for 10 months for nothing. He's lying to reel you in. That in itself is a red flag. Besides, what that hell are you doing dating someone when it's clearly against the Covid 19 regulations?

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:17AM

He has definitely owned up to it all and said it was a toxic relationship on both ends and this particular night it got out of hand with a knife been used and he apparently cut her arm with it defending himself he said it's the worst mistake of his life and that he has nightmares of the time

Tork · 26-05-2020 12:20AM

I see. And you believe all of this?

KaneToad · 26-05-2020 12:22AM

Jane7939 wrote: »

He has definitely owned up to it all and said it was a toxic relationship on both ends and this particular night it got out of hand with a knife been used and he apparently cut her arm with it defending himself he said it's the worst mistake of his life and that he has nightmares of the time

Yet the court found him guilty of assault and he got 10 months. When all he was doing was defending himself. How unlucky. A miscarriage of justice.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 26-05-2020 12:23AM

Jane7939 wrote: »

Hi just looking for some advice or opinions on a man I met online have been chating a few weeks now and all has been great we seem to have alot in common and talk for hours on a daily basis....I knew he had had past relationships breakup like we all have and that he sees his kids this week i decided to google his name no particular reason and was shocked to see he has been to jail for assaulting his previous girlfriend and spent 10 months in prison I asked him and he was upfront and told me he was waiting to meet to tell me we were ment to meet last week but he got scared and stood me up and he pleaded me to forgive him he said the assault thing was blown up by the paper and that his ex and him are friends still I'm sceptical now about meeting him can people really change he says he is a very different person then he was then just not sure what to do

You do realise to get any sort of custodial sentence that it must have been serious. Read about the usual suspended sentences handed out for these types of attacks.

So it was either a bad assault or he has a number of previous convictions if he actually spent time in prison?

For someone you haven't even met in person I'd be giving it a miss, who needs that drama!

Tork · 26-05-2020 12:23AM

KaneToad wrote: »

Yet the court found him guilty of assault and he got 10 months. When all he was doing was defending himself. How unlucky. A miscarriage of justice.

I bet the knife slipped too. Poor pet.

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:23AM

KaneToad wrote: »

Yet the court found him guilty of assault and he got 10 months. When all he was doing was defending himself. How unlucky. A miscarriage of justice.

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story but i dont want to judge someone on a past mistake but then feel oh maybe it's too much of a mistake

KaneToad · 26-05-2020 12:27AM

Jane7939 wrote: »

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story but i dont want to judge someone on a past mistake but then feel oh maybe it's too much of a mistake

There was evidence produced in a court of law to prove one side of a story. He assaulted his girlfriend with a knife. His side of the story, presumably, was put forward in court? It had no evidence to back it up. He was found guilty and served 10 months.

I'd be judging him on this 'mistake' and would have nothing to do with him.

Tork · 26-05-2020 12:27AM

You're obviously looking for people to tell you it's OK to date a man who used a knife on his girlfriend and was jailed. Does he even have a job?

Caranica · 26-05-2020 12:28AM

I'd run a mile. No way can that kind of stuff wait until you meet in person. It's a personal safety thing, much safer to walk away without meeting than trying to leave after he reveals his past.

Of course there are second chances, but not for domestic violence IMO. It's too risky

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:30AM

Caranica wrote: »

I'd run a mile. No way can that kind of stuff wait until you meet in person. It's a personal safety thing, much safer to walk away without meeting than trying to leave after he reveals his past.

Of course there are second chances, but not for domestic violence IMO. It's too risky

no I do think it's best I walk away I suppose deep down I wanted to hear it

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:32AM

Tork wrote: »

You're obviously looking for people to tell you it's OK to date a man who used a knife on his girlfriend and was jailed. Does he even have a job?

He has move here from the uk just before lockdown started

Tork · 26-05-2020 12:32AM

I hope you haven't told him where you live or where you work (assuming you have a job)

Jane7939 · 26-05-2020 12:33AM

Tork wrote: »

I hope you haven't told him where you live or where you work (assuming you have a job)

No absolutely not no personal information like that have I gave

Purple Mountain · 26-05-2020 01:26AM

There's a lot of red flags here..
The fact that you even refer to the word relationship in the title is one.
You haven't even met him in person yet and you're thinking of a relationship.
He (or anyone online) could be posing as anyone else and feeding you a load of horse ****.
If you actually had met him in the flesh, you'd get a better gut feeling about him but as it stands, you have invested so much time in him virtually but actually don't know the first thing about him really.
I've seen a few threads lately where people are striking up strong attachments online during lockdown. It's very tempting, I understand but take everything else out of it, what if you met him tomorrow and thought' oh hell, he's ugly/not my type'?
So you built your expectations up in your head.
Then you find out the bombshell about the prison sentence.
Seriously, would you feel comfortable going to meet a guy who you knew pulled a knife on a woman?
He was defending himself he says? Could he have not put up an arm to stop her, where did the knife come from?
Those are the questions that'd be going around in my head if I was talking to him.
Lastly, he arrived here from another country not long ago. Do you even know why?
Ireland is small. Its easy make enquiries discreetly about a person you meet as new. Everyone knows someone who knows someone so it's quite easy to get unbiased information on someone (whether that's right or wrong). I once went for a job interview and at the end, he offered me the job. He told me he'd already made enquiries about me before the interview (I hadn't provided any references before then, and I've no idea if he asked a previous employer about me or someone he knew in my area).
This guy is new in the country, you'll only hear his side of whatever he tells you, whether it's true or not.
Do you really think all these obstacles are worth jumping over?

26-05-2020 01:54AM

Sure, go for it. Just keep rubber cutlery in your gaff. Ikea do a load of that stuff and they will be re-opening soon. Win-win.

qwerty13 · 26-05-2020 02:27AM

It’s not a relationship.

He was NOT upfront about his prison sentence for assaulting his ex. He ‘told you’ about it after you asked about it.

Why was he (and you) prepared to meet someone from a different household. Is that not risky for you, him, and anyone either of you come in contact with?

So it’s ‘the media’s fault’. Right.

And they’re still friends. Riiiigght. As you’ve already googled him, have you googled his ex, and what does she say about it?

You haven’t even met this guy. So many red flags that it’s horrifying. Block every form of contact from him.

He used a KNIFE on her. For gods sake OP.

punisher5112 · 26-05-2020 02:32AM

Sounds like a guy in Wexford that ended up dead by his wife....

Can't see any issues at all.

Op do you really want to find out, anyone a d everyone can be great to chat too until it's too late...

bilbot79 · 26-05-2020 03:32AM

I thought you were gonna say he boxed her but he didn't, he knifed her

F***!

ladystardust · 26-05-2020 04:13AM

Jane7939 wrote: »

Do people not make huge mistakes and learn from them? I'd like to think some maybe do

Sometimes they do. But be careful OP, spousal assault has high rates of recidivism. For me, history of spousal assault is an instant big old red flag. Especially an assault that landed a prison sentence.

qwerty13 · 26-05-2020 04:16AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

It’s not a relationship.

He was NOT upfront about his prison sentence for assaulting his ex. He ‘told you’ about it after you asked about it.

Why was he (and you) prepared to meet someone from a different household. Is that not risky for you, him, and anyone either of you come in contact with?

So it’s ‘the media’s fault’. Right.

And they’re still friends. Riiiigght. As you’ve already googled him, have you googled his ex, and what does she say about it?

You haven’t even met this guy. So many red flags that it’s horrifying. Block every form of contact from him.

He used a KNIFE on her. For gods sake OP.

I was very harsh - but honest - in my views. But I’m afraid I’m going to do that again. Not to run you down, but your self-esteem must be in the absolute sewer (let alone toilet) that you’d even think about this for more than a second. Get away from him as quickly and as completely as you can. Change your email and phone number if necessary.

hopalongcass · 26-05-2020 05:28AM

ladystardust wrote: »

Sometimes they do. But be careful OP, spousal assault has high rates of recidivism. For me, history of spousal assault is an instant big old red flag. Especially an assault that landed a prison sentence.

If this is even real, can guarantee this woman dates him. I call it Rihanna syndrome rich goodlooking woman gets the head boxed off her, proceeds to get back with the guy who boxed the head off her, what sad role models young women have these days.

Tokyo · 26-05-2020 05:38AM

Mod: @nudain - don't post in this thread again. Please familiarise yourself with the forum charter and the standard of posting expected here before contributing to another thread.

ladystardust · 26-05-2020 05:46AM

hopalongcass wrote: »

If this is even real, can guarantee this woman dates him. I call it Rihanna syndrome rich goodlooking woman gets the head boxed off her, proceeds to get back with the guy who boxed the head off her, what sad role models young women have these days.

Are you really blaming Rihanna for being assaulted? Spousal violence is multi layered and heavily influenced by mental violence against the victim. It is a aell known fact that victims of spousal abuse return to their abuser multiple times before (if ever) leaving successfully. It is easy to blame the victim when you hear this, but it's such a complex dynamic.

hopalongcass · 26-05-2020 06:16AM

ladystardust wrote: »

Are you really blaming Rihanna for being assaulted? Spousal violence is multi layered and heavily influenced by mental violence against the victim. It is a aell known fact that victims of spousal abuse return to their abuser multiple times before (if ever) leaving successfully. It is easy to blame the victim when you hear this, but it's such a complex dynamic.

Dunno where you picked up that I blamed Rihanna for the assault,I blame Chris Brown all day long for the assault,but she's a rich suçcessful woman who is a role model.And if she goes back to her abuser what chance does most young women who look to her as a successful woman have.I blame her for being a poor role model I blame the hip hop community for pushing a proven abuser back into the limelight, he should have been shunned into obscurity for what he done.

Relationship decision

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